Well I guess that is a true statement. I have been prepared for the worst since day one. Maybe somewhere in the back of my head I expected a good surprise (god knows we deserve one). Somehow it doesn't make this any easier. It is so hard waking up in the morning just hoping for a bit of a line and seeing nothing. It hurts to spend almost 20k on ivf and it not to work or get frozen embryos. I was wondering in the back of my head if Al and I would be attending the wtf appointment. I am so fucking angry. I am angry at the acupuncturist who said the whole point of acupuncture is to make "grade a eggs". What a fucking joke that is. Out of 17 mature eggs we got 2 grade b's and the rest were c's and d's. Did I just pay an extra 1,000 this cycle for a load full of bullshit? Yes I did. I quit caffeine months in advance, change eating habits, lost weight and did everything I was suppose to. Did that help? Hell no. I fucking hate having unexplained infertility and it really hit me today that I probably wont be able to give my husband a child. I feel like such a fucking loser right now. That is the one thing he wanted to badly before we got married. Of course I didn't think that would be a problem. Now he is stuck with a complete infertile excuse of a woman. God this is such a horrible feeling.
We talked yesterday about this cycle failing. We agreed that we are going to take a break for a while. It could be 3 months, it could be a year, I don't know. I am going to look at our contract and see if there is a time restriction on it. As of today we have one fresh ivf left and two FET's (which we should mark right off the chart). I am feeling so defeated and just emotionally done with all of this. After this we are financially tapped out and have zero options left. The thought of going back to iui's after failed ivf's seems like a huge waste of time and money.
And If I hear one more person tell me that its "Gods plan" I will seriously shove my foot down their throat. Going through this process is so cruel and I wouldn't wish it upon my worst enemy and ESPECIALLY not to woman just like me who are good people and trying to have a family.
Please don't tell me its early and that things can change. I have done enough research to know that ZERO symptoms, along with stark white pregnancy test this far along is NO good.
I am sorry if anyone thinks I am being a complete Debbie Downer. I am sure most of my posts to follow for a while will sound alot like this one.
No comments:
Post a Comment