Tuesday, March 20, 2012

9DP5DT & Day before offical BFN

Ok so I will shoot you guys straight. I did get up this morning and use my last FRER, incase of a miracle (even though I dont believe in miracles anymore). Of course it was white as usual. You want to hear something funny? Last night I noticed some brown stuff on the toliet paper when I went to the bathroom. For any infertile we all know that this causes our wheels to start turning. It obviously meant nothing. Oh I also put my offical annoucement on facebook this morning. This is what it said :

"I was going to wait but there is no sense. Our ivf cycle failed and we are taking a break from all of this. It has been an exhausting two years emotionally and very draining. I hope those of you who have never suffered through infertility truly appreciate it. Thanks again for all of you who followed us through this journey and showed us support."

My appointment for beta is at 8:30 tomorrow morning. I have so many things running through my head at this point. I wont lie though ladies, I have given up completely. I feel defeated and last night talking to my sister I told her that I now know that Al and I will not have any kids together. After failed cycle after cycle it has finally wore on me and I am washing my hands of this. We cant get out of our 2nd ivf because of the contract we signed. I will go through it and do whatever and then I am done. We have decided we are waiting on the 2nd ivf until at least August or September and after that, NO more fertility treatments, we are moving on with our lives and figuring out how to live with sharing a baby together.

I know so many of you are wanting to tell me that I dont know what each cycle will bring and that #2 could be the one and be different. I call bullshit. Do you know what are chances were on injectable iuis? around 25% it didnt work, not once. Our chances on ivf were almost 50% and it didnt work. I will no longer be delusional in the fact that we have a good chance of getting pregnant.

This has really changed how I feel about following my blog friends that have went on to get bfps. I am so happpy for them, but yet it hurts so bad. If anyone deserves to get pregnant, it is all of the woman I follow on here that  have suffered through IF. I will not feel resentful against any of you. As much as I want to be one of those woman, I cant think of a group of people that deserve this more. I look forward to following you and seeing the day you guys bring home your little ones.

So on to other news, our honeymoon. I cant tell you what a wonderful distraction this is going to be. We decided on Sabors Resort & Spa in Cozumel Mexico and better yet it is an "adult only" resort. We wont be going until beginning of June. At least that gives me something to look forward to. We are also taking a extended weekender in mid April. My husbands sister is getting married. We are going to leave a few days early and spend the weekend in one of my favorite places, San Antonio (Riverwalk). I am looking forward to that also.

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