Tuesday, July 31, 2012

A Horse A Blanket A Sob Story

This will be a long drawn out post today but worth it so I can share a story of a special horse named Cody.

Last Thursday a friend of mine on facebook took a picture of a starving horse in Stillwater. Of course this started a frenzy and so many of us were upset and wanted something done about this horse. Here is Cody:

As you can see this poor guy is in BAD condition. Well a group of us started making phone calls to the Sheriffs Department, animal control, rescue groups, vets etc.  The Payne County Sheriffs Department told all of us that this was " an old horse with no medical conditions and they were waiting for him to die" I was absolutely flabbergasted that this was coming out of a place who is suppose to serve and protect. I contacted the local news stations, newspaper etc. through facebook and also their direct sites. I was told by the sheriffs department to take pics of this horse off social media and leave this alone, not to call them any further that the horse was just old. By this time hundreds of people are calling and trying to help Cody. I have a friend that lives in Stillwater and went by to feed and water him. According to the news stations that WOULD NOT do a story is was because of this: They talked to sheriffs department and was told the horse was old and was checked out by vets and was deemed healthy so the news stations wouldnt do a story. Finally yesterday after much fighting the D.A. decided to press charges against this woman . Cody weighed 700lbs while he should have been 1200 lbs and the owner used to be a vet before she had her license yanked. This had also previously been brought before D.A. and sheriffs department. She was under probation of sort and was suppose to be getting Cody back to health and the sherrifs department was suppose to be watching. Neither did their job and the ball was dropped.  As of 5 p,m yesterday, Cody was picked up by a horse rescue and taken to the hospital. He is very malnorished, dehydrated, and a very sick horse but they are doing their best to nurse him back. It was average everyday joes that saved this horse and not the people voted into positions to help. I am sick to my stomach with the Sheriffs Department and news stations but grateful that a bunch of us helped save his life.
Here is the facebook link to the rescue that saved him. Please donate money to organizations like this.

I finally finished my first ever crocheted blanket! It doesnt look perfect but I am pretty darn proud of it.
And now onto a short sob story:

I freaking hate Lupron side effects. I feel so crappy and keep telling myself it will only be like this for a few more weeks, ugh.

Sunday, July 29, 2012

Weekend Float Trip

The river resort was awesome. The water was about 50 degrees and amazing. Spending time with my family was wonderful. Coming down with a nasty stomach bug on Saturday, well that sucked. I was stuck in the cabin most of the day Saturday pooping my brains out and feeling like I was going to puke. Finally my sister said I might feel better sitting down in the water so I gave it a shot. With the water being so cold, it really did help. Then when I would try to eat something I felt like shit (literally) again. Everyone had a great time though and that is what counts. I am not looking forward to starting my lupron shots tonight because of how bad I already feel. Guess I have to suck it up and do them anyway, ugh....

Here are a few pics from trip:

                               Al and Cierra floating down after they opened the gates and river filled up.

                               Not sure why I have that face. Maybe because water is freezing!
                               Our niece Briley is exhausted!
                                Our niece Bailey trying to skip rocks
                              My sister fighting the current to get to the shore without drowning LOL.      
                              She succeeded.

Rented us a golf cart to get around :)

Thursday, July 26, 2012

Funny Infertility Thursday....

This is usually my Friday post but I will be out of town floating the river tomorrow through Sunday. So you get it a day early this week :)

Hope everyone has a wonderful weekend !

Tuesday, July 24, 2012

One verses Two

I am referring to ivf #1 verses ivf #2. I have to say that I am more postive and less stressed about this cycle. During my first ivf I had no idea what to expect. I read blog and people told me their stories etc. but I really didnt know.  I know this time that Lupron is the drug from hell for me at least and it takes everything I have not to lose my shit while on it. I know that having an E2 level of level of almost 400 on stims day two, might not be the best thing. I definitely know now that having a shit load of follicles might not be the best thing either. I was so freaking excited when I found out how many I had and just knew for sure that I would have frozen embies.... Haha wrong. Also the assumption of having frozen embryos which is the exception to the rule. I won't make that mistake again. I also learned that transfer is different for everyone and mine sucked balls. The  2ww wait, this is where I learned the most. When testing during my 2ww, most people kept telling me to hold strong and the tests might be wrong because it was early. *cough, cough* bullshit, sorry guys but that is a way for a supportive community to support you. I knew as each day went on and my tests were stark white that the cycle failed. My clinic told me to wait until beta because blood pics up lower amounts. Well I had a FRER pick up hcg levels at 10 so that was bullshit also.

I have learned so much going through a failed cycle. I definitely know that this time I am going in more prepared with knowledge and experience.  So with that, it really puts me at ease and I am completely mentally and physcially prepared for this. I am also prepared for a failed cycle, but hoping that it is a success. I know this sounds kind of messed up, but I am happy that my 1st failed cycle prepared me for my 2nd.

Btw: Good luck to all of the ladies in tww, retreival and transfers within these next few weeks :)

Monday, July 23, 2012


So as you know today was my post-op check up and my mock transfer to see if my surgery was successful.

It was a success!

This is the 1st time ever, out of all of my procedures that the doctor was able to insert a catheter in under 15 minutes. As you know my last ivf transfer took an hour in a half and about 5 different catheter's. So here is the breakdown. I had a fibroid that was located 3 cm inside, right next to my cervix. This one the first place he would always get stuck when doing a iui or ivf. The 2nd place was 5 cm inside. This area has two different problems, one fixable the other not. The fixable area was ridges on my uterus he shaved off during surgery. The not fixable problem I still have is a sharp right turn followed by a sharp left turn going into my uterus. Today after only two different catheters, he was able to get past the 3cm with little pain and then he pulls it back out and bends the line to help go through the other passage with little pain. My doctor was a very happy man today and we all celebrated this huge victory! Now with all that being said, he did tell me that my transfer will still be hard but definitely more managable. He doesn't think we will need to go through my abdomen as of now. He did say that we will still prepare and order the extra supplies just in case it comes down to it during transfer.

As of today this cycle is already different.  I also might be in better spirits knowing this is our last ivf, win or lose. I have also noticed that I've been spotting almost the whole time while being on bcp this go around. That never happened last cycle, but he assured me that is normal :)

Start my Lupron this Sunday.

Next big appointment is August 8th for bloodwork and u/s for suppression check and getting ready for stims on August 11th.

Saturday, July 21, 2012

ICLW Greeting

Welcome to my blog ladies. If you look to the right hand of my blog it pretty well gives you a run down of our last 2 1/2 of ttc. As of today I am on bcp waiting for our second ivf. Monday I will have a mock transfer to see if my surgery was a success. My last ivf was partly a failure due to the fact that it took the doctor over an hour in half to get the catheter placed. I am feeling good this go around and I am prepared for anything at this point. My diagnosis is secondary unexplained infertility. My daughter just turned 15 years old today.

Happy Birthday my amazing daughter!

Friday, July 20, 2012

Funny IFF

Thank goodness I am a infertile with great sense of humor. My coworker just came up to me and says "you know alot about pregnancy tests, right" Of course I do I have taken about 100 of them in last few years (that was said to myself). She pulls out her phone and shows me a pic of dollar store cheapie (yes I even know brands my looking) and it had two dark lines. I guess her son and his wife are expecting. Oops they just did it one time without protection. Like I said glad I am have a sense of humor.
Happy Friday!

Thursday, July 19, 2012

Birthday and Ivf Preparation

So this Saturday is my daughters 15th birthday. I find myself asking where has the time gone? She is turning into a beautiful young lady and I am so proud of her.  We aren't having a birthday bash this weekend. She decided to have a few girlfriends over and they are going to have a sleep over in the camper. Next weekend we rented a cabin on the river near lake Tenkiller along with my sister, brother-in-law and two neices. We are going to have cake and a little celebration for her then. Right now she is head over heels in love with the U.K. band, New Direction. Not sure if any of you are familar with them. Unfortnanetly I have been thrown into the New Direction craze! I bought her tickets for their concert coming to Dallas next year on her 16th birthday. Al and I are going to take her and her best friend to Dallas for the weekend and get a hotel about a block from the American Airlines Center where concert is. Cierra is so excited she started a countdown and tells me daily how many days are left. She has also put together an outfit for the concert. Guess I will have to buy that for her also :) If it happens that I am a mom to only one daughter,  I will have zero regrets. As much as I want another baby, I love my daughter so much and she is the greatest thing that ever happened to me. I won't lie, we have had some rough times but I look back now and know I did a pretty damn good job.  I have a teenager that is not drinking, doing drugs, having sex, out of control and she is doing well in school. Now a days, that is a HUGE accomplishment.

Happy 15th birthday Cierra!

In other news, I went to my first acupuncture treatment of this new cycle. Talk about perfect timing. I haven't been sleeping but about two or three hours a night for the last few weeks. After my treatment I went home and slept for 8 hours! He also put the little metal bb's in my ears again for pressure points to help me sleep and referred me to some sleep herbs. I need to check with my RE first to see if I can take them while going through our ivf. This time I am less anxious. I am at  peace and I don't know why. I think it is going to work. Studies show more success each time you do ivf :) but if it doesn't, I am okay, I am really am. It is hard to explain but any of you going through treatments have been to this point at one time or another. I also finished ordering my meds yesterday for this cycle. 402.00! I was so happy and amazed. Last time it was over 1,000 and we still saved about 1,000 from the medications that were donated to us. This go around I had a two wonderful ladies donate Menopur which is $500.00 a box and progesterone suppositories. I still had 4 boxes of Follistim left over which is about $1,000 a box! I do realize how lucky and blessed we are to have such wonderful people in our lives. So all of my medications are here, ordered and paid for! Now our next big cost will be anesthesia at retreival and that is $500 up front the day of. All of the other cost at this point will be a few hundred here and there. And up to date we have spent right at $23,000 since January 2012 out of pocket on ivf. I know there are couples out there that have spent much more then this. It definitely eats a huge hole in your pockets though!

I missed it the other day but I just had my 2 1/2 year anniversary of trying to have my second child! In this instance time hasnt flew by.

Okay well I am done rambling on today!

Next big appointment: Monday, July 23rd! Mock transfer

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

New Blogger

Hey ladies I sure would appreicate if you could go over and visit Terry@http://needjustone.blogspot.com. She is a fairly new blogger and doesnt have very many followers. She is getting ready to have retreival for her first ivf and has alot of questions and could use some support from our community. I hope that all of you would please take a few minutes and go visit her. She is definitely in a rough place right now. Confused on her ivf and unsure of her RE. Thank you!!!!

In other news. I have a box full of fertility meds ready to go. I think the only things I have left to order is my Lupron, maybe a box of Menopur and I am done!

Monday, July 16, 2012

Hateful Bloggers Etc.

I have been thinking about this topic lately and would love to get some input back from others. A few months ago I personally had a hateful blogger put say really bad and hurtful things to me on my blog.  Infact months later I am still pissed about it for the fact that there are trolls out there that that completely over-step their bounds on another person's blog. Where is that line?  When it comes to commenting on a blog, is it your job to support another person going through infertility or similar circumstances? What if you completely disagree with what a blogger puts on their blog and it offends you? Is it  your place to voice your opinion with no regard of someones feelings? I know how I feel about this subject 100%. I started my blog to have a place to vent, cry, cuss, act crazy, have breakdowns and do all the other things I can't do in real life at my office or out in public, or voice emotions that I might not even want to do at home. I created a space for me and over the years I have met some incredible woman whom have shown me support throughout all the good and bad times. I think all of us want our blogs to be similar in that way and we all want support. Am I right? I guess I am just absolutely shocked that some adults will come on a blog and viciously attack you, judge you, and think it is okay. So anyway please give me some feedback on your opinion of Blog Trolls.

In lighter news, I went over and met Sara@http://mymclovelylife.blogspot.com/ and yes she is as amazing in RL as her on her blog. She sat down and taught me how to make the newborn baby hats so we could donate them and it felt awesome. Here is a pic of our creations:
Now that I am a little more familar with reading patterns, I am going to try to make a few more before the October deadline. Mine wasnt as snug as Sara's but I am hoping that some lady has a 12 pound baby so my hat will fit :)

Today is also bcp day 11. I have to say that I am finally feeling side effects from them. It's kinda of funny in the fact I have more textbook pregnancy symptons on bcp then when I was actually in tww of ivf. Also lucky me is back to suffering from insomnia again. Thank goodness I go to the acunpuncturist tomorrow. I will be sure to get some extra needles so I can start sleeping. Next big day is next Tuesday the 23rd! Mock transfer and post op. Things are moving along and everyday is one day closer to seeing if we will be successful.

I am going to leave you guys with some random pictures from over the weekend:
My first dishtowel and washcloth set!

I walked in to see my kitty all crunched up in his bed and had to take a picture!

Friday, July 13, 2012

Sock Exchange and Cycle Buddies

So I got my socks today from Trisha @ theelusivesecondline  and I love them!
Trisha you totally rocked the socks and I am super excited to wear them to my retrieval and transfer!
I would also like to make a list of  my cycle buddies for mid August? Let me know, I love having cycle buddies!

Infertility Funny Friday

I know that every single one of us can relate to this picture.

Today is day 8 back on bcp after my 3 day break from being on them for 14 days and (knock on wood) I haven't had any side effects yet. I am excited my first acupuncture appointment is next Tuesday so I might finally get some sleep! I also read an article on the Attain website yesterday that there is a study showing an increased chance of successful ivf cycle by including avacados and olive oils into your diet. Thought that was pretty interesting.

I am pretty stoked about this weekend. I am going to finally meet one of my infertility buddies from my blog and we are going to make newborn baby caps for infant child abuse awareness! It is really nice to have people you can actually talk about infertility with. Despite my sister and one or two friends in RL, it seems no one else really give a shit about what we have suffered through for 2 1/2 years. I know that it has really changed my mind about people and I have seriously lost a lot of respect. Well I dont want this to turn into  a negative post, I am trying to stay postive these days. I am thankful for the people in my life who choose to care about us everyday :)

Hope everyone has a great weekend. Also everyone keep your fingers crossed for Ali @ http://saving4ivfbaby.blogspot.com/. She is on 3DP5DT and could use lots of support from us!

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

My First

Well I wanted to post a picture of the progress I am making on my first ever crocheted blanket. I am really excited about this project (as I keep saying), sorry but there arent words to describe how much this new hobby has changed my anxiety. I havent had a panic attack in over a week and my lightheadedness from anxiety had also been absent for almost that long. It had turned out to be so therapeutic. From the picture below you cant see the edges because I tucked them under the blanket, lol. My edges really look horrible and are very curvey and uneven. My husband said that just adds more character to it. What a good husband I have.

This is my next challenge: http://www.clickforbabies.org/ making baby hats for newborns. When I went to look at the patterns I was totally confused, but again my husband said that a newborn wouldnt mind a crooked hat, LOL!

Tuesday, July 10, 2012

This & That

We got home last night and the skies opened up (finally). Our area was already in drought conditions this early into summer and within a few hours we had about 2.5 " of rain. I sat in my recliner and worked on my blanket. I cant even explain how much stress relief that I find in crocheting. Okay my blanket totally looks like shit and the edges are so uneven, but it is my first crocheting accomplishment and it makes me happy. I keep thinking that I may be crocheting a baby blanket very soon :) I have completely turned the corner about this upcoming ivf and have such postive thoughts on the outcome. It's almost like I know it is going to work, deep down in my heart I feel it. As for reality we do have a better chance this time. I go in on July 23rd for my post op visit and Dr. H wants to try the mock transfer to see if my surgery was successful (so nervous). I also was offered some Menopur yesterday by a fellow blogger (Rebecca) and it totally made my day. Not three hours prior my doctors office called and asked if we wanted to go ahead and order our medications now or wait. I told her I would like to wait another two weeks to have more money available. We already have our Follistim, and HCG shot, so basically we needed Menopur, Lupron, Progesterone and a few other things. I dont think there is any support group as amazing as our gals here! I know there isnt. Thank you so much Rebecca. Again I hope this cycle is successful so I can finish donating the rest of my follistim to someone that needs it.

I leave you with a few pics:

Working on my blanket!

Our yard underwater last night.

Sunday, July 8, 2012

Hello my name is sore..

So as many of you know, we are planning on moving to Colorado in five years. I wanted to make sure that Cierra graduates and starts college etc before we go. Our house in about 1200 sq ft. and we also have three full grown dogs and two cats plus us three. There is not a lot of room. I told Al that I wanted to buy another place next year and keep for five years, then sell when we move to Colorado. Of course he wants to stay where we are and pay the house down so we will have plenty of money for a down payment on the new place (makes sense). I just want a bigger house! Guess as with infertility I will also have to be patient with staying in this house. I decided if we were staying then we are continuing with upgrades until we move so it is easier to sell and nicer to live in. Last year we ripped up the carpet in the living room and office and put down laminate flooring. It looks better and with shedding dogs it is so much easier to maintain. Yesterday we finally broke down and did our bedroom. Our master is SO small but at least now it looks really nice! Here are some pics:

And of course I can't forget a picture of Max doing what he does best:
On the infertility front, this is a quiet week for the most part. I am waiting on my ivf calendar this upcoming week. Started my bcp's again on Friday and starting up acupuncture next Tuesday.

Oh before I forget I wanted to post a pic of my blanket I started to crochet. Remember I just learned how to do this like 5 days ago!

Friday, July 6, 2012

Funny Infertility Friday

So this Friday's picture is so late in afternoon. Believe it or not I have been super busy at work today! Hope everyone has a wonderful weekend

Thursday, July 5, 2012

Yesterday Al and I decided to get out of the house for a while and do some shopping. We stopped by a place near our house that used to be a skating rink but now is an antique shop called The Rink. My husband loves to go antique shopping, me on the other hand, I hate it. I wanted to really do something that he likes yesterday due to the fact that we always do what I want. Here is a picture of why I say just because its old doesnt mean its an antique. This thing was just plain freaky looking! Al was looking at the $90 price tag on it.

Is it just me or is this something that nightmares are made of? Look at the huge deformed feet on this creature. I will never look at Easter the same!

I also decided to pick up a hobby. I really want to learn how to quilt but our house is just so small. I am putting that hobby on hold until we buy another house next year (fingers crossed). Instead I decided to start crocheting. Just remember before you look at this picture that I have not crocheted and watched a quick video before I decided to jump right in. A friend of mine thankfully told me that my tension was not even and thats why it was curving. I started all over later last night and my new piece is much straighter! Here is a picture of my mess.

Finally! I got a call from my clinic and she should have my new ivf calendar done within the next few days! I start my birth control pills back up tomorrow night. My cycle is so super messed up right now. She said I might spot for the few days I was off the pills and I am, does that count as starting a new cycle? I will be on them all the way until August now. I also got my acupuncture appointments set up and start going in two weeks. Relaxing should be easier to accomplish this go around with crocheting, acupuncture, and ivf relaxation cd.  I am just a little high strung :)

Wednesday, July 4, 2012

Happy 4th!

Happy 4th of July everyone! This has always been my favorite holiday hands down.  I love the thought of bbq with friends and family and beautiful fireworks to celebrate all the freedom we have as a country. I know that I complain a lot about stupid laws such as the Parenthood Acts and only a few states being mandated for infertility coverage, but all and all we live in a awesome country and I am absolutely Proud to be an American. I am also so proud of the countless men and woman that fight for our country to make this possible.

This year we are really playing low key around the Rapp household. For some reason the after effects of this surgery are just hanging around. Now I am starting to have shooting pains throughout my uterus. I figured to play it safe and just hang out around the house this 4th.  Oh! before I forget be sure to stop over at Ali's page http://saving4ivfbaby.blogspot.com/2012/07/egg-retrieval-tomorrow.html she is going in for her 1st revival tomorrow and could use a little pep talk from all of us!

Hope everyone has a amazing day and can find one thing to be thankful for this 4th. I am thankful for my amazing husband husband and wonderful daughter. They have been so supportive since my surgery and I couldn't ask for better care takers!

Monday, July 2, 2012

This and That

Well I didn't make it to work today. The pain from this surgery hasn't been bad at all, it is the dizziness and vertigo that keeps me at home. I am feeling better today though so hopefully things will be back to normal by tomorrow and I can return to work. I have fully decided that I hate being put under and I'm not looking forward to going through that again so soon. The only positive thing that I keep telling myself is this is the last time. It's so hard to believe that it is almost time for my second ivf. Within the last two in half years, Al and I have went through so much. Surgeries, treatments, failed cycles, chemical pregnancies etc. I wonder when enough is enough? I wonder if I will be one of those lucky woman to finally get pregnant after years of trying? Our retrieval will be almost 2 years and 6 months to the date and it will also be on my birthday, so that has to be some kind of sign, right? As I said a few days ago after my surgery, I am starting to get hope for this cycle. I know it doesn't make any difference going into a new cycle being positive or negative as far as the success. I am hoping that going into this one being positive will just help me have peace of mind in general. I am tired of the stress, anxiety and depression that has been with me for almost six months now. I have also made a few changes in protocol since last time. After hearing from fellow bloggers and reading many articles about COQ10, I have implemented that into my daily diet for a few months now. I also bought a ivf cd that is suppose to help me relax and prepare. I also decided to start seeing my acupuncturist again. Many of you know how pissed I was with him after things last time. I have learned that it was no ones fault that it failed and we all have learned things since then to improve my chances.  One major decision I am changing on this cycle is, I am not sharing any of my ivf treatment on facebook this go around. I felt so stupid last time spilling everything out and then having to tell people it was unsuccessful was just way to much. Especially telling people who have no idea what it is like to suffer from infertility. I don't want to go through that again.  I am waiting today to hear back from my doctor. I will either stay on my birth control pills or stop for a week or so and go back on them. I should be getting my calendar pretty soon. I think the only medications I will need to buy this time is the menopur and lupron, so that helps our pockets a little. I also need to talk with my clinic and see how many test will need to be repeated.

Guess that is all I have today. Plan on watching some Baby Story and cleaning up the house a bit before I head back to work tomorrow. I hope everyone has a wonderful 4th of July!

Update: Just got call from my doctor and I get to go off my bcp for three days and then back on them until August. This is really starting again huh.