Tuesday, April 30, 2013

Anniversary Trip & More

Well we are back from our anniversary trip. Why is it that you need a break after vacation to relax because you are exhausted? The trip didn't go as planned and that seems to be the theme of my life lately, but it was great nevertheless. It rained ALL weekend. Our tree house was so lovely and you could feel it swaying when you walked across the floors. That was a little weird! They had us a gift basket and a banner in the house when we arrived. Here are a few pics of the tree house.

We did a lot of driving and sight seeing in the mountains etc. Not much to do when it rains for days.

And now for the ugly: I thought about whether I should even post these pics and give any kind of credit to a obvious lunatic. It is so hard for me to believe there is SUCH hate out there. 

 This guy has huge guard dogs all over his property. There had to been at least 20 of them chained everywhere. I had to stop and take pictures because I was in such disbelief. I am not a fan of Obama and would NEVER wish ill toward him or his family!

I still have more pics on my camera. This was from my phone driving around. I will post some more later on.

In ttc news. I wanted to wait until we got back from our trip to start my provera. I took a hpt on Sunday and there was a faint positive. I took one again yesterday and today and the line is totally faded. I won't say I am upset, because I am not. Today is 67 days after my miscarriage and I am ready for surgery and then back to ttc before seeing our specialist that will get me pregnant.

Monday, April 29, 2013

I'm back!

Hey all! I am back and have pictures and stories to share of my travels this past weekend. Give me a day or two to get caught up and I will share everything with you beautiful ladies!

Wednesday, April 24, 2013

Three Year Anniversary

Today is my 3 year anniversary to the most amazing man I have ever known.

 When we said through good times and through bad times, we meant it. Our marriage started off with infertility and three years later we are still going through it. We have been tested and I can  proudly say that our marriage is stronger then ever. I look at this man beside me in this picture and I ask how I was so lucky to have him put in my life. Total opposites we are, but perfect for each other in every way.

Happy Anniversary Al. I love you more then words could even begin to describe.

We leave tomorrow for a trip to Eureka Springs (where we got married). I found three pictures of our wedding and we are going to the wedding chapel to take same pose three years later. Not in these outfits because I cant fit in my wedding dress anymore :) I thought this would be awesome to add to our wedding album. We are staying in a treehouse for the weekend and just shopping and spending time with each other. Much needed time.

I will take some pics for you guys! See you Monday :)

Monday, April 22, 2013

60 days

Today is 60 days since miscarriage and still no period. I finally sent my clinic an email and told them I can't take this anymore. I was told to take pregnancy test to make sure I am not pregnant (which I did & I'm not). 

I get to start provera to jump start and then I can get scheduled for my surgery!!!!

Today I am thankful, so thankful! 

Sunday, April 21, 2013

Welcome ICLWers!

Hi! Thank you for thanking the time to stop in my little part of the blogging world. I have a pretty good infertility resume and continue to add every day. Here is a little bit of my history.

Married my amazing husband in April 2010. We started trying a few months before marriage with just natural timing cycles. After six months when that wasn't working, I went to an OB/GYN to have test ran because I was 35 at the time. All my test came back normal and husbands test came back normal. Since then we have:

 10 cycles of clomid/Femera and TI.
4 rounds of iui with Follistim
1 round of iui with Femara
2 Ivf's
2 Hystercopies
5 miscarriages

I am still waiting to start a new cycle from my last miscarriage at 7 weeks in February. Once it starts I am going in for another hysteroscopy  and a LAP. After a few years with my current RE, I feel he has pretty well given up on us and we recently sent our medical records in to Dr. Kwak Kim. She is an immunology RE and specializes in people with recurrent miscarriages. Since we live in Oklahoma and she is located in Chicago, our appointment won't be until the end of August. She is honestly my last hope of conceiving. It has been a long 3 years of tears, anger, some happiness and sometimes total disbelief.

I decided about six months ago to start something near and dear to my heart. It is called "Project Quilting for Pregnancy after Infertility". I have never touched a sewing machine until last October and self taught on quilts. I am proud to say that I just finished my  7th & 8th quilt (twins). This is a great way for me to work out my feelings and do something special for woman whom have gone through exactly what I am . If you want to check out my quilts, go to the top of my page and click on Baby Quilts. I have also started a small intimate group on facebook called Chapters Through Infertility & More. This group is a little different then most because I have woman from all aspects of IF. Some of us are still trying, some are pregnant, some had their babies and some aren't able to have anymore children. I am very proud of this group and the support is amazing. I consider all of these woman my friends. 

So there you have it. My little run down of life in the trenches of infertility so far. I don't know what is going to happen, but I will make the best of whatever is put in my path.

Thank you for stopping by!! Hope to hear from you.

Friday, April 19, 2013

Chart Help

This is the first chart I have ever done and started in middle of 53 days cycle following my miscarriage. I still haven't started cd #1. As you know last week I went to the doctor and had a 26mm follicle with E2 levels only in the 40's. I assumed it was a cyst. Now looking at my chart it seems I did ovulate. Any help on this would be great.....

Do you believe ovulation took place? Then the second dip I thought was me getting ready to start my period finally and then temps when back up. LIke I said I don't understand charting yet.

Thursday, April 18, 2013


I have been thinking about this post and rather I should write it or not. After emailing a good blogging friend (although never met in real life, she is such a huge support to me). I told her I am struggling and not wanting to say much about it. Everyone around me is pregnant or working on getting pregnant and I feel like I am sitting in an endless black hole filled with nothing! I am struggling to be positive and I am struggling to look forward to see what life has in store for me. As of right now, I just can't see anything. I am feeling pretty crappy and hopeless and I haven't felt like this in years (to this point). If you are a fellow blogger friend and are pregnant, please know this isn't anything bad about you, it is only about me and feeling so lost on what to do or where to go. I think the biggest blessing is seeing a fellow friend suffering from infertility get pregnant. 

Today is 54 days since my miscarriage. No ovulation No period. 

My sister sent me a text last night asking if I researched Dr. Kim. I told her yes and asked why. She responded that she had also and was very impressed with her research and then she said " You must go see her! She will be the one to help you move forward or give you a baby". I have been thinking about that statement all day. She is right though. As all of you know, I have lost total faith in my RE. The only reason I am staying with him at this point is because he can prescribe me medications. As far as treatments, we are done giving them money and getting nothing in return. This last week really sealed the deal for me. Who perscribes an hcg shot for a 26 mm follicle with only a E2 level in the 40's? Really is there even an explanation for that? I do trust him to do my surgery and that is where it ends. I think after two ivfs, 5 iui's, countless TI cycles, and 5 miscarriages things need to change.

Is holding on to hope that Dr. Kim can help me "move forward or give me a baby" to much? Am I expecting more out of her than I should? After being let down so many times through my current clinic and NO answers on what is wrong with us, besides of course "the bad eggs" generic response. Am I truly expecting to much from this visit?  

I do know one thing in my heart without a second guess. Al and I will be okay without a baby together. We will continue to readjust our lives and thrive. Will I still in moments have a sadness that we couldn't have a child together? Of course I will. That will always be with me. I think regardless what happens I will always want a child. I just might have to accept that I can't have one.

Please universe I have truly paid my dues. Is there any end in sight? Lets just start with something easy. Please, Please send me a period! And if it isn't asking to much, either this week or in two weeks, but not next week during my 3 year anniversary get a way with my husband who truly needs some intimate time with his wife......

Any bets on when period will show? LOL my $ says next week just to rub it in :)

Anyway thanks for all the support and listening to me flood the whine gates today. I really needed to get it out and have someone listen. 

Totally unrelated, but here is a pic of our yard after a huge rain storm yesterday evening:

Tuesday, April 16, 2013

Side Effects

This last week and a half I have felt completely and totally worthless. I am exhausted, no appetite, headaches, canker sores developed in my mouth. Total decreased sex drive and I could honestly sleep 18 hours a day. I told Al last night I was worried why I was feeling this way and BAM!!!! it hit me. The prozac. I just finished looking on the common side effects and there it all was a clear as day. 

Either I have severe anxiety and depression or I feel like a worthless zombie.

Is there really no in between????

Dr. Kwak Kim

I am trying to get information from anyone who read's my blog and/or knows a person who seen Dr. Kwak Kim.  I sent in my paperwork and called today to make sure they had received it. After doing some research online, I am really scared about the cost of seeing her. I do have insurance and insurance they accept. I don't think any of the blood tests will be covered since it is IF or RPL. I am really trying to find out the cost of seeing her. If you or anyone can help, please let me know.

Also how much are you charged for after care calls/emails. Doesn't she work with your current RE and/or OB?

Monday, April 15, 2013

This & That Monday

Had a nice relaxing weekend for the most part. We worked in the yard this weekend, picking up all the tree branches from the ice storm all along our fence line. I also pulled weeds in my rose gardens and put down fresh mulch for the year. Mowed the front and side yard, while Al moved the big yard with the riding mower. I worked on quilts this Sunday. Pictures to follow later in blog. 

As many of you know, I started Femara on April 5th. I went in for check up to make sure my hcg levels were zero on the following Wednesday, 10th and they were. The doctor did an u/s and found a possible follicle or cyst. According to my temping chart I did ovulate. So not sure what it is. After thinking long and hard about what I did, I came to a conclusion that seems to make sense. By the time of my doctors appointment, my Femara wouldn't have had time to actually work yet. I believe the 26 mm was something I produced on my own. I am having pains on my left side yesterday and today. So I think the Femara did its job and produced some more follicles. Since I had a trigger shot last Thursday, all my ovulation and hcg sticks on positive. I am testing daily until it leaves me system and hopefully I can catch the next surge from the Femara.  I never imagined I would be pregnant the first of the year and take so long to have another active cycle. We all know that even though I manipulated my body, this cycle is not an active cycle. All I did was cause more wait, but that is okay with me. I am not a person that wants to stand back on the sidelines. You never know until you try something. Hoping within the next few months my body will be regulated again after my surgery and we can start trying (for real). Instead of doing what I am now just to keep my mind busy.

Here is my chart that I just started a week ago. I have bloodwork on Wednesday so we will see how accurate this chart really is.

Here are pictures of the twin quilts I am working on for Lisa. 

Oh I also got my hair chopped off. I try and try to grow my hair out, but it is not for me! Please forgive the "No make-up" look.

Friday, April 12, 2013

Funny Infertility Friday

Well today is cd (300) seriously I have no idea what cd it is. I did trigger shot yesterday morning for my cyst and wasted $70. Not to happy about this whole situation. I know that doctors are not perfect and I know they are only human. It just seems to me that my doctor is not on top of things. Of course can any doctor or any other person be on top of things as much as an infertile trying to get pregnant? My E2 levels came back at 46 for a 26 mm "follicle". Okay any of us that have been in this struggle for any time knows that the average E2 levels for a mature follicle is 150-300 per follicle. The doctor knew this and still told me to take the trigger shot. Of course I didn't find the number out until after I wiped my @ss with the money or I wouldn't have triggered.

Guess my question is, if this is indeed a cyst, the trigger shot shouldn't affect me finally getting my AF, right?

Also not sure if I mentioned but I have tried my hand at charting. It isn't going so well :) Funny thing is, it is recommended that you have five hours of uninterrupted sleep before testing. LMAO I can't remember the last time I had more then two hours of uninterrupted sleep. I think that is making my numbers inaccurate. I will keep trying at it for a few cycles because I don't like to quit at things.

Hope everyone has great weekend. I think we have yard work in store for us. Had a freak ice storm on Wednesday. Our temps went from low 80's to low 50's in about 20 minutes and then went from thunderstorms with chance of tornados to thunderstorms with ice. Here are some pics of what it did at our house. By no means major damage, but still neat to see:

Thursday, April 11, 2013

Cyst verses Follicle.

 I was very concerned this morning that this 26 mm follicle was indeed a cyst. I have been spotting for days and my E2 levels were very low for one follicle. I emailed my clinic this morning to find out and this was the response:

 Your E2 was 45.3, he did think with the size of the follicle that the E2 would be higher, so waiting was in hopes of it maturing a little more. You are correct that this could be a cyst, since we haven’t been monitoring you with ultrasound. It’s a hard call to make in regards to if you want to use the shot or not. If you wanted to error on the safe side of not wasting just in case, you could not take the shot and have intercourse. Either way, the progesterone next week will confirm ovulation. Depending on how his surgery cycle is at that time, we will kind of have to plan as we go regarding the surgery dates.

Here is an article I found on good follicles verses bad follicle cysts: I think it is safe to assume I shouldn't have taken that trigger shot this morning. Wish I would have asked for levels yesterday when she mentioned it was low. Hoping that the trigger won't effect it and my AF will still show up soon.

Three different terms that are used in overlapping fashion are cyst, egg and follicle. The EGG is that all-important biological specimen that contains half a woman’s genetic information. In my simplified view of human reproduction, a woman randomly shuffles all her DNA (the stuff that influences her body to develop blue eyes, a cute little nose and a fondness for puppies) and packages exactly half of it into each egg. The goal then, is for the egg to unite with one of her husband’s sperm, which very coincidentally contains half of HIS genetic information. The final product is a baby, a tiny person with genetic information from both parents. We can’t see eggs on ultrasound, because eggs are smaller than a speck of dust. What we CAN see are FOLLICLES. Imagine a follicle to be like a water balloon with a speck of magic dust (the egg) inside it. A woman is born with about a million of these packed inside her ovaries. Each month after she reaches puberty, some of these follicles start to fill up with water like expanding water balloons. Most will grow just a little and then fizzle out. However, the biggest one, which gets crowned with the title of THE DOMINANT FOLLICLE will grow from microscopic size up to about 20mm, roughly half the diameter of a golf ball. Once it reaches that size, it should burst and let the egg fly out. Under ideal conditions, the egg gets slurped up into the Fallopian tubes where it can hopefully meet a nice eligible sperm and then off they go into the uterus to implant.
So when doing ultrasounds, I’ll often report to my patients, “Great news! You are growing two eggs in each ovary for a total of four, giving you four chances at pregnancy this month! Right now they are still a few days away from being ready.” When they ask how I know that, I answer “Based on the measurements.” This is where the patients naturally assume that by measurement, I am talking about the size of the eggs. But as you probably realize know after having paid attention to what I just wrote, I’m actually talking about the size of the follicles.
Now that we have clarified the relationship between an egg and a follicle, where does the term CYST come into all this? A cyst can be defined as a CLOSED SAC, sometimes filled with a substance like fluid, air or blood.. So actually, follicles are cysts. They happen to be GOOD cysts as opposed to bad cysts. So medically, CYST is the term we use to generically refer to many different sac-like structures, not just dust-filled water balloons. Cysts can be found in many places like in breasts, under the skin, in the cervix or in the brain. Furthermore, ovarian cysts can be the good kind (follicle) or bad kinds, such as endometriomas which are harmful cysts filled with fluid that looks like chocolate syrup.
Now here’s the tricky part. A follicle and a simple cyst look identical on ultrasound. So using just one single ultrasound, nobody can say for sure whether we see a good follicle or some other type of cystic structure. However, if you look again on ultrasound three days later and see that the water balloon has grown from 14mm to 19mm, then you get a pretty good idea that it is a growing follicle. If instead, your repeat ultrasound shows nothing, then it turns out that it was most likely a cyst which has gone away on its own.
The typical protocol for patients who are taking strong fertility drugs is to do a cyst check prior to starting the stimulation medications. This is an ultrasound done on about day #3 of the cycle. What we want to see is nothing. What we don’t want to see, but sometimes do, are cysts and if they are big enough, it tells us that this is not a good month to do a cycle, so we postpone things.
Finally, let’s go back to the idea of how it’s normal each month for a single healthy water balloon to grow to a mature size and ovulate its precious contents. Remember, I alluded to this being the dominant contender out of several contestants which start the race, meaning most women will start growing a lot of potential follicles each month, but without medications, they should just ovulate one (or occasionally two). The other follicles should quickly all fizzle out and not even grow to a visible size. However, there are some women with a common medical condition in which the ovulation process goes haywire. Instead of one dominant follicle emerging and the others all shrinking to nothingness, what happens is that a whole bunch of the follicles keep growing, but none really make it to mature size. So instead of seeing one large 20mm water balloon and nothing else, you see a whole bunch of 12mm follicles stagnated in their growth. Some of you have probably already guessed that this condition in which multiple small ungrowing non-ovulating follicles are seen in the ovary is called POLY-CYSTIC OVARY SYNDROME, but that’s a story for another day.

Wednesday, April 10, 2013

46 Days Later

46 days later and some cheating with Femara, I have a 26 mm follicle on my right ovary. After talking to my doctor we decided to trigger and that way we know when ovulation happened. This will also help us get back on a normal schedule. It is weird to think the last time I ovulated was on January 15th and we got pregnant with Circle. I am very happy to be back in the game again (sort of). As I have mentioned before, I do still have regrets for almost stopping treatment. I want to go back to iui's so badly, but that isn't an option at this point. This cycle is most likely a bust since the follicle is located on my right side and that tube is almost definitely blocked. Still happy to be that this point :) I will call my clinic with cd 1 and get on the schedule for my surgery. He said he wanted to do both the laparoscopic and hysteroscopyI feel very good about that decision.

Tuesday, April 9, 2013


I talked a little about this on my facebook group this morning, but I would also love to hear from all of my followers on this question.

The longer you suffer through infertility, do you feel that friends etc. seem to forget and not be as supportive over the years? 

I feel like I don't have anyone in real life to talk about anymore, not even my husband. When I bring it up I get very quick answers or almost the feeling of " Oh god this again". I don't know if it is me being sensitive or that people can't truly understand and feel for something they have never been through or encountered. 

I am always irritated with my co-worker for missing so much work and coming to work crying daily. I have always thought she was being way more dramatic then she needed to be. When she comes in crying anymore I don't even ask her what is wrong, because I already know the answer I will get. Is this the same thing? Do people not ask me anymore because they know the answer they will get? 

If anyone else has gone through this or is still going through this, please share with me. 

I know I will always have you girls and that is HUGE. I don't know how to get through this without ongoing support from somewhere. 

ON TTC Front:

I talked to AL last night and we decided to go forward with the Laparoscopic surgery to see if my right tube is blocked and if so, hopefully get in opened and working. I want to make sure we have done everything before seeing Dr. Kim later this year. I emailed my clinic today to see about scheduling it.

Monday, April 8, 2013

Weekend, Quilts, Etc.

After a very long week at work, this weekend was amazing. On Saturday Al and I went to the Art Museum and loved the newest exhibits there. They had a photo realism and it was unbelievable. The artist takes a photo and recreates it on oil canvas, but it looks identical to photo. This talent just blew me away! Unfortunately we weren't allowed to take photos of that exhibit. I was able to take photos of the Illusions exhibit though.

Not the greatest pics, it was taken on my phone.

After that we met up with a friend for dinner at the Cheesecake Factory. We haven't seen him in a few years. He just went through a divorce and they were both friends of ours. In fact I introduced them in the earlier days. It was so nice seeing him and catching up. On our way home after dinner I took this pic while driving down the road:

On Sunday I decided to get back into quilting. I haven't said much lately, but I took about a two week break. Every time I tried to quilt I just couldn't get into it. Yesterday I forced myself and I am so happy that I did. After an hour or so, I was feeling good and loving what I was doing again. I finished up Amanda twin girl quilts and mailed them today.

I also finished my husbands Arkansas Razorback lap quilt for our anniversary (coming up).

I wasn't sure about the backing I had picked out, but after it was done I really liked it.

After finishing all those I started on my next quilt project. My fellow blogger Lisa who is pregnant with boy/girl twins. Here is the layout of her little boys quilt.

So I had a pretty busy Sunday.

ON TTC Front:

Against everyone's advice, I made the decision to start Femara this weekend. Hoping it was the right decision, but it was what I thought was best for me and don't regret my decision in the least. I have started charting and taking my ovulation tests. Go to doctor on Wednesday for more blood work and u/s. My hcg levels will definitely be zero by then. They were probably zero by this weekend. In case you didn't know, the LH strips can also pick up HCG before the HCG strips can. They had lines last week and then disappeared on Friday. Hoping to pull something out of this cycle.

Friday, April 5, 2013

Special Day !

Wow where has time gone? I started this blog on March 9, 2011. Here was my very first post:

 I married the love of my life on April 24th 2010. I have a wonderful daughter from a previous marriage and she is 13. I thought for many years that having another baby was not in my life plan, until I met Al. We discussed having children and how important that was to us. So here is my thought as of April 24, 2010...... " this is really happening, we are going to get pregnant" which brings us to almost a year later. I suffer from severe anxiety which I think has played a major role in us not getting pregnant. At first I wasn't sure what was wrong with me. I went to my doctor and he referred me to Neurologist thinking it was neurophy, but I also tested positive twice on my ANA test. I was then referred to a Rhemotolgist thinking I might have Lupus or possible Sjogrens. This has been dragging on since last August with no definite answers of what is going on with me. All the doctors to agree that I have severe anxiety though which is effecting me in many ways.

Month after month goes by and I feel stupid in ways. My gyn tested myself and Al and said we are fine, maybe a little on low side of things, but not enough to worry about. I take ovulation test(s) monthly and they are ALWAYS negative. All that goes through my head, is what is wrong with me? Why cant I get pregnant? I feel like a complete failure as a wife, as a woman. I am so damn tired of hearing "relax and it will happen".

We have been on clomid for one cycle, but it causes my hormones to go crazy and then my anxiety is out of control. Next week I will see my new gyn for a second opinion. I hope and pray daily that this is the month we will concieve our precious baby.

Here we are over three years later and I can't help but to look at this post and laugh. So naive, already thinking I had went through so much. That person back in March of 2011 had no idea what was in store for her. My life has changed in so many ways and I know that the person I am today is so different from the person I was then. I am so much stronger, I am so much more mature, I am so much more informed, I am more damaged, I also know how lucky I am everyday to have my wonderful family and such a strong support system. 

Happy 500th post to me! 

Thursday, April 4, 2013

Random Babbling

Well as you know I had my blood work done yesterday and my levels were still at 21.7. The nurse said starting Femara was of course a no go again this week. I won't lie, I was very disappointed. Every chemical and miscarriage I have encountered ALWAYS has slow dropping hcg levels. Feeling so defeated this week. I told Al last night that I am having remorse on deciding against treatments and iui. Of course his response was " we made it further without treatments then we ever did with", but after he said that I responded that I thought it was a total fluke and wouldn't expect it to happen again. I guess you never know. The facts are my eggs are crap. We have a higher chance of success by stimming with better medications and making more eggs. 

After hearing the news yesterday I seriously considered starting myself on Femara or Clomid. I did still have some left overs in the house. Even after donating and clearing out my medicine cabinets. All the ladies on my blog highly recommended that I didn't start without my doctors consent. I was in the stubborn thinking mode of " hey I have been in this game long enough and I am NOT waiting any longer". When I got home it was my intention to start my Femara, but I decided against it. Which I still sit here thinking that wasn't the right decision either. Of course I have NO idea what cd I am on. My last period was on 12/31/2012. I bled four weeks after my miscarriage and taking that damn pill. So maybe medically speaking, I should just wait. The nurse told me to keep taking ovulation test until  next week and if I haven't ovulated by then I could start the Femara. 

I just want a shot at this....................................... 

I started my Prozac about a week ago. I know it takes weeks to get into your system, but I have noticed that every night I take it, it makes me so tired. Last night I was in bed sleeping by 8:00 pm. I don't remember having that the last time. 

This weekend Cierra is going to spend the weekend with her dad. Al and I are having dinner with an old friend on Saturday and also going to the Art Museum to see an exhibit he is really excited about..

Oh and I will leave you with pictures of our flooded yard. It has been raining here for days. I won't complain since we have been in a drought for about two or three years now. 

And I don't think I need to tell you what our house smells like when we get home and let in three wet dogs (that refuse to go into their nice dry house with hay). Stupid dogs :)

Oh and before I forget, my 4lb package of medical records that was sent to Dr. Kwak Kim in Chicago today!

Wednesday, April 3, 2013

Ready to move on

Today marks 5 weeks 2 days since I had my miscarriage and lost circle. I went in this morning for another hcg draw. I am SO ready to move on. Waiting for levels to go down is the absolute worst.

Please keep fingers crossed that my levels are low enough today that I can start Femara back up. 


No go again this week. A girl sure can get tired of this crap after a while!

Tuesday, April 2, 2013

Absolutely Sickened!

I came across a story on Yahoo this morning. I usually don't even read the papers or watch the news much anymore do to the fact of pure evil and craziness in this world. This morning topped anything I have ever seen on the news and I sit here at my desk with my heart absolutely sunken into my chest....

I warn you that this article is BEYOND disturbing and it is about a baby being killed. 


This monster gets drunk and has sex with his girlfriends 6 month old baby.  He killed the baby and now claims it was an accident and he shouldn't be put to death.  The pure evilness and sickness of this man makes me want to vomit. It makes me wonder why there aren't stricter laws in place for these monsters??

Stephanie, I know you are a defense attorney. Do you have any input on this ? 

I guess this hits so close to home. Being from a family of child molesters and knowing first hand what it feels like, I am just absolutely devastated after reading this story. I don't believe there is help for these scum of society. I don't think jail helps, I don't think counseling helps. They are branded with a sickness that is so perverse and dark, there is no saving them. I honestly believe they should be screwed up the ass with a tree and know how it feels "literally" to be raped as a child or a baby. 

When does shit like this stop?? What do we do as a society to stop child sexual abuse? How many of us have to have our inocence and lives stolen before something changes? All my life this is a subject that is considered taboo. If you know it is happening you pretend you don't, if you hear it is happening you turn your head. If you see it is happening you justify why it is not your problem. When does it stop?

My father drugged and raped boys in our family.  There were other also, our friends etc. My whole family knew it was happening, no one said anything. All the adults in the family knew he was a monster and still let her children around him. Now I have cousins etc. that are child molestors doing the same thing. Or have family members that are fucked up on drugs etc. because they can't deal with their past.

When does this stop??? When?

The only thing that helps me sleep at night is knowing my father and his father are dead and in the cold ground where they belong, never to hurt another child again. 

As most of you know I am not religious and don't believe in God or Heaven/Hell, but I would hope that these diseased creatures would be burning in hell for eternity if hell does exist. 

Sorry for the long dark rant, but this is something I have battled with all my life and wish I could save the innocent beautiful souls from the darkness.