I've been meaning to blog about this topic for a few months now, but have struggled on how to express my feelings about it. I know many of us that are now pregnant have struggled with the guilt etc. and worrying about our friends that are still ttc. I still struggle with this daily. Since I have been on both sides of infertility (as have many of you), I can understand the feelings from both sides. I guess where I differ is, when going through infertility I was still able to be happy for those who became pregnant. This didn't only go for my friends that had struggled for years, it went for friends that never knew what it was like to struggle. I didn't mind attending baby showers, or looking at their children on face book etc. I guess I always felt in my heart that going through infertility was SO unfair, but it was even more unfair for me to treat my pregnant friends or mom friends differently because they had something I wanted.
I know I have shared this story before, but I feel like I need to share again. My friend years ago got pregnant and for a split second I did have the (normal) jealously that goes along with the announcement. Weeks later she miscarried and I felt like such a stupid asshole for having those feelings about her. If I was a " real" friend then isn't it my job to support her through whatever happens in our lives? I am not going to say for a minute that it doesn't hurt every now and then because I know it does. Since that point I have tried my hardest through the next few years of infertility to see the positive in everything. It helped me through some dark times. Is this right for everyone? I don't know. It was for me.
Now I find myself on the other side of the fence. I find myself losing friendships with some of my friends still struggling. Does this bother me? Yes, it bothers me very much. I still think of them and try to be supportive, but don't get any support on my pregnancy. I do feel it is very unfair. I often wonder if these woman that turn off the support once you get pregnant will expect support during their pregnancies? I will support a friend regardless, like I always have, but I feel it is very unfair to have support and then to get pregnant and be treated like you have a transmittable disease. I want people to know that once you get pregnant, we still have feelings also.
I am not sure if this is a fixable gap between the two? Can either side (pregnant or still ttc sit back and be able to have relationships with each other, after we have transitioned to the other side? Am I suppose to let these friendships go? Am I suppose to stop supporting my friends that are still struggling because they have done so too me? This is a very hard situation and I hate it.
I honestly feel like I put in my time and I deserve to be pregnant with my girls. I also feel that you should be supportive of friends if you are truly a good friend. Not to say that it is always easy, but it is what makes the difference between a friend and people just choosing to be friends until it doesn't fit in their lives anymore.
Either way, it has really effected me and upset me over the past months when I see and hear less and less from people I thought were my friends. I do hope that in life all of us find our happiness regardless. I always wish the best for my fellow infertiles and I always think of you ladies. Just because I am on the other side of the fence, please know that all the struggles, hurt, anger and sadness never fully goes away. I do remember what it was like and that will never change.