Thursday, May 31, 2012

Yes or No

I am taking a fun poll and hoping you will join in. Since almost all of us are obsessed with lines on here, please let me know if you think my ovulation test is positive or negative. Thanks Ladies!

Two more days!

We are heading out for Mexico on Saturday. There are absolutely no words to describe how much Al and I needed this trip. We are pretty much using this trip as a late honeymoon and a failed ivf pick me up trip. I originally thought when we planned this trip that the money could be used for fertility treatments and we shouldnt waste it on vacation. Now I have a completely different outlook on things. We need this vacation more then treatments right now. I know that my mind is not in the right place ever since ivf didnt work. I turned into the bitter infertile again. The person I swore I never wanted to be ever. When I say bitter, I dont mean every pregnant woman I see, I get angry and say bad things in my head. I know I have said this before and I want to make it very clear, I am 100% estatic for anyone in this community who has overcome this disease and is now pregnant. The bitterness I have is for me and only me. I find myself angry at me not being able to control what is happening. I am angry that I have unexplained infertilty. No answers, yes having no answers as to why we cant get pregnant is a real kick in the gut. But I know that it is what it is and I cant change any of this. I can take my vitamins, work on my weight, eat healthier, stay away from chemicals, so on and so forth.

Sorry for the going on and on about things I have bitched and complained about 100 times since March. This post was suppose to be about how much I need this trip.

I hope during the time I am gone, all of you in the tww get your bpf's and those waiting on 1st and 2nd ultrasounds see those sweet little heartbeats and then take the time to sit back, smile and enjoy the moment.

Oh today is CD14 and the line on my opk as of last night was almost as dark as control line. I might actually ovulate 2 months in a row on my own.

Tuesday, May 29, 2012

This and That

This post is filled with everything from the kitchen sink. Today I am CD12 and been off of the clomid for a few days. So far my ovulation strips are negative and to be honest we havent been BDing within the last few days. Im not sure if its because we have so much going on getting ready for our trip, or the point that we just arent into it this month. Heck I have even lapsed on taking my baby asprin and vitamins for the last four days.

On the ivf front. I am still in the same mindset as before. I wish I could get excited for it, but I'm not at all. We still have 5 boxes of 900iu Follistim and will at least have 4 boxes left after ivf so I plan on using them with a few injectable iui's after this last ivf. The doctor said that an injectable cycle is anywhere from 3,000 - 5,000. I am  hoping since we have the medications that the cost will go way down.

Cozumel is in 4 days. I am super nervous about various issues on this subject. The resort we are staying in has horrible reviews lately. More bad then good. Of course 98% of those bad reviews are from people that didnt upgrade to the exclusive side like we did. I have researched and prepared. So most of the things that are negative, I have pretty well prepared for. I think if you go to an all inclusive resort and dont pay that much money, you shouldnt have high expectations. I told Al the other night that as long as we have food, water and air conditioning in the room I will be happy. All of the reviews have talked about how beautiful the beach is and what great snorkeling is on the resort due to all of the reefs. I am super nervous about the flight..... I took a valium this weekend as a test run. I really didnt notice a huge difference. I do hope it is enough to take the edge off while in the air. I also hate large groups of people. I have panic attacks when I am around them. That is one of the reasons we booked the exclusive side of resort. It is further from the beach and more in jungle area and suppose to be less crowded. Of course most people going on tropical vacation want beach front. See it is absolutely possible for a person as high strung as me to get stressed over vacation.

There are so many ultrasounds and betas this week and next in our little community. Of course I wish the best to all of you! A good friend of mine I met through the Attain site was finally able to get pregnant after a long struggle. She found out last week that the pregancy wasnt viable. She was 9w1d. My heart breaks for her. I know that she is a very strong woman and will make it through this time. If only wishes came true and I had my own genie, I would wish that every single person suffering through infertility would be able to concieve and have a beautiful baby. I used to think I would wish for a nice house or boat or lots of money. That stuff is all material and doesnt mean a thing anymore. The happiness of others is a very rewarding feeling.

OH! before I forget, my husband finished our camper this weekend and got the custom decals put on....

Well lets get through this week, then I can hop on the flying death machine to paradise. You might want to watch the NBC nightly news the days I am flying, LOL.

Here is a pic of what I have to look forward to.....
One final thing. This next picture promises a good laugh to anyone having a rough day. Al was cleaning out the garage this weekend and found my old picture box. This is a picture of me and my sister when my grandmother thought it was a great idea to get our hair permed and dress us like twins (even though we are a year in half a part). To say the least, we were pissed that we looked like two show poodles or as a friend referred to us as " a qtip broken in half!

Any of you having little girls, please for the love of  human kind, dont do this to them :)

Monday, May 28, 2012

Emotional Day

I have to start years back for this story. Before I met Al I was in a 3 1/2 year long relationship with someone. Did I love him, at this point I know I didn't but I cared for him deeply. He was quite a big younger then me, early twenties actually. We met and clicked instantly. He had an amputation (above the knee) and really felt he had a hard time meeting woman due to this. I'm not sure if I ever told you but my father was a bk amputation (below knee) so I have always been used to this and wasn't a big deal for me. As we started dating I noticed he didn't have a job and he was still really bitter about losing his leg. I knew that he could do things with his life, with a little drive. I finally talked him into attending vo-tech and he really flourished going through the program. The years we were together, looking back now I think I wanted to help him and take care of him, maybe even fix him. After his graduation from votech he still wasn't working and I really felt that I deserved better in life. Not someone to take care of me but an equal in life. I know that probably sounds very selfish. We broke up and it was not a good split. Fast forward to last October. I found out from a friend that still lives in this town that he had died. He was involved in a car crash and didn't make it. When I found out I was really torn up and so sad. He was so young and didn't deserve to die. I found his sister on facebook and sent her a message asking if it was true. She never answered me. I assumed her and her mom really hated me by this time and I understood. I moved on. I posted about a week or so ago about having a dream about an ex boyfriend that is deceased and I kept telling him he was gone and he was arguing with me that he was fine and alive. Well this dream was about him. Ive actually had a few lately. This morning I checked my facebook and his sister sent me a friend request along with a message. She told me that she never noticed the message in her folder and was very sorry for not answering. Then she asked me to call her. I couldn't. I told her that I cant call and talk to her. I feel so guilty for what happened to him. I know that if I wouldn't have broke up with him then he wouldn't have been on that road on that day and died. I know that all of this sounds pretty crazy and I shouldn't feel the guilt but I do. His death has really affected me and I still haven't moved past it.

What an emotional day. I just hope that his sister and mom are able to move on and have some sort of peace in their hearts.

This post was in memory of Michael Widener. Despite everything you will always be in a a portion of my heart. Rest in peace.

Wednesday, May 23, 2012


Last night while watching t.v. I told Al that I am upset with myself on making the wrong decision about ivf. When we first started the process, there were a few different options available to us.

#1. Pay per cycle through OU at the cost of $9,000 w/o ICSI & $11,000 w/ICSI
#2 Multi cycle program through Attain, 2 fresh cycle & 2 frozen cycles $15,000 not including meds and other things which have added up to $21,000 to date
#3 Refund program through Attain, 3 fresh cycles & 3 frozen cycles $20,000 without meds and othe things which would end up being around $27,000 plus a 75% refund if you didnt take home a baby.

As you all know we chose #2 and now I see that was the wrong choice. Since I was told that we shouldnt expect any frozen and be lucky to get one good embryo to transfer, we have completely over paid for two fresh cycles. I know its all a gamble and some people win and other's lose. Honestly I dont want to do this second cycle. There is no way out of it though because we prepaid and entered into a contract with Attain. I guess the only left to do is just suck it up and go through with this. After #1's big fucked up mess, I dont want to go through all of that again. I know that ivf is diagnostic, but that still doesnt make me feel any better about going into this again. I am not sure if others feel like this, but we just threw away $21,000 up to date and that hurts alot. I have been asking myself if I was one of those people who though ivf would work the first time? Honestly I am not sure, I read so many stories of it working and maybe in the back of my head I thought it would. I know that so many people talk about being postive, but I really dont think positive makes the ivf work or fail. Everything is already set in stone and what is going to happen will happen. I prepared for the worst and hoped for the best, obviously I am not pregnant so the best never happened. Sorry about all the rambling on here today, I am just so mad at myself for locking us into another ivf.

For the cost of 21,000 we could have done:

4 injectable iui's
18 clomid iui's
1 ivf

Just makes me sick. Sorry for the downer post today. Guess everything is really getting to me lately. You definitely wont see me shitting rainbows or farting flowers anytime soon.

Monday, May 21, 2012

ICLW May 21-28

Thanks for checking my blog out......

My husband and I were diagnosed with unexplained infertility ( technically secondary infertility for me). After being on clomid for six cycles,we were involved in a National Study called AMIGOS last year and it consisted of four medicated iuis with menopur. None were successful and we had one chemical pregnancy. We then ventured on to ivf and went through Attain. Having purchased a multi-cycle program which includes two fresh cycles and two FET cycles. Our first ivf wasnt a success either. Doctor is thinking I might have egg quality issues so there went (2) of our cycles and we are now waiting on our final ivf in August 2012. In the meantime I have went back to the basics of using clomid and natural cycles.

Leave me a comment and I would love to visit your page also!

Manic Monday

Today is cd4 and started my clomid last night. Of course the crazy dreams started night one and I dreamt of an ex boyfriend that I had, who is now deceased. I kept telling him that I knew he passed away and he was informing me that my information was incorrect. Weird, weird, weird......

Our camping trip was a success. Not one of the best trips weve had but it was good. Our camp ground didnt have water at each site. It was more of a community faucet and of course two greedy campers took their hoses and hooked up to them. Why are people so damn selfish? It worked out ok, we just unhooked the hoses when we needed to wash dishes. On saturday the wind was crazy all day long, blowing about 40mph. The dam was different then I remember and with the water levels so low it only had one gate opened. The winner of our fishing expedition was my nine year old neice who managed to catch about 7 or 8 perch, LOL. We had her birthday on Friday night and we bought her an old school pogo ball that I found on amazon. She loved it!  All and all we have a very nice time with family :)

Al had to drop me off at work this morning because he has a eye appointment later this afternoon and we commute My crv has been  paid off for 4 weeks now and he was hit after he dropped me off. Some guy not paying attention turned and hit him as he was going through a green light. Then the guy argued that he had a "green arrow" including there are NO arrows on that light. Al is ok and my vehicle needs some body work. It took out the headlight and front fender plus bumper. It just makes me so mad that people dont pay attention while driving! I am happy that Al was there to deal with that situation because the mood I am in today, it would have not been all flowers and rainbows if I had dealt with him!

Here are some pics from this weekend.

Friday, May 18, 2012

Drawn to Drama and Funny Friday Pic

I find myself always drawn to shows that are about babies and dramatic. Why do I subject myself to watch Sixteen and Pregnant, I didnt know I was Pregnant and the newest, Birth Moms. Last night was the first time I seen this show and I literally wanted to jump into the t.v and strangle some woman. Obviously its a show about adoption. Typical young ladies who made bad decisions or had a hard life trying to give their children a better one. That I can understand..... I guess as a woman trying for years to have a child, what I cant wrap my head around is the fact of popping pills, smoking, drinking, and stealing while you are 8 months pregnant? It all really upset me when these girls were looking at profiles on national tv, tearing potential adoptive parents apart, Really? Yes they blur out the pic somewhat, but if you were one of those people you would recognize yourself and then be subjected to some irresponsible twit making horrible comments about you. Ugh I want to write TLC and tell them this show is wrong in so many ways! First and foremost it is so very insenstive to couples struggling to have children. Secondly it is in very bad taste. I think last night was my first and last time to watch that crap. IF any of you have seen this series, please give me some feedback.

CD1.......One more month of clomid!

One day closer to Mexico!

I will be out of pocket all weekend and catch up on posts when I get back into town. Hopefully I will have a great fish story to share :)

Before I forget, my funny Friday pic.

Hope all of you have a wonderful weekend!

Thursday, May 17, 2012


11dpo and no good news. Honestly I didnt even bother testing this morning and just put this cycle in my growing BFN column. Oh well, I will start clomid again for one more cycle before we start our surgery and preparing for ivf #2. My stomach literally turned when I typed out ivf #2. Yikes! I am not even going into that today........

Well our camper is loaded and we are ready for our camping trip this weekend. I am super excited about this one. Last time I went to this lake was when I was about 10 or possibly younger. I would go and watch all of the men with their 50ft rods fishing under the dam with all the white water rushing out. It was such a fun experience. My grandfather would pull 100 + lbs of blue and catfish out of this dam. I always remember watching them fight and reel these monster's in. Of course I dont have the big daddy rod, but plan on doing my share of fishing this weekend. My brother in law will hopefully be fishing at the damn and I can go sit down there for a bit and watch him. Hopefully they have the gates open so there is plenty of white water! Yes in case you were thinking this, I am not the typical middle age woman. I love football, fishing & camping! I dont like shopping and I hate doing my nails. I think the last time I had a manicure and my nails done was for a friends wedding two years ago.

16 days until Mexico! We are thinking about doing a speed boat excursion. Its a two person speed boat and they give you lessons, then off you go through the ocean! The biggest thing I want during our trip is total relaxation and hopefully a different mindset coming back and going into our ivf. I want to spend time with Al, laughing, talking, and loving each other.

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

Follow Up Appointment

Today was my follow up appointment with pcp regarding my migraines. I told him that the beta blockers were a no go. He said I absolutely shouldnt be taking ibuprofen and I already know this. My next question was.... what should I take then? Nothing is safe during pregnancy (like that is a real issue for me anyway). He then wrote me a prescription for 500 mg Nasprosyn (Alieve). Other great news for the day....... I got a prescription for my flight to Mexico! He gave me (8) valum. He was going to give me xanax but decided that valum will last longer. I have personally never taken valum before. Can anyone give me a little heads up on this? I was planning on taking one before we go so I will know how to react to it.

Today is 9DPO, took test and BFN. I thought by holding it up to the light I seen a very faint line. Then I talked sense into myself, threw it away and moved on. I will not go through this again, staring at a test wondering if there is a possible hint of a line. Even if there was that only means another chemical pregnancy. I might wait and test again on 11DPO. Without clomid intervention AF should be here tomorrow. I know that on this medication you cycles could be a little longer. We shall see.

Finally, I want to apologize to everyone. Within this last week I havent been commenting alot on blogs. I am in a weird place right now. I think I am truly overwhelmed by all of the new pregnancies within the last month. I just need a little time to get my thoughts collected. I have been reading everyones post's though (faithfully) and I am cheering all of you on!

Holy cow 19 days until I am laying on a beautiful beach drinking margaritas with my amazing husband!!

Monday, May 14, 2012


Yes today is 8DPO and Im not sure why I even bother typing this. I think the only good thing about trying out a clomid cycle was that it lengths my cycle. Now I wont be having a visit from AF on my vacation to Mexico, which is awesome btw. Only 20 days! I have purchased three swimsuits, beach dresses, biodegrable sunscreen because I care about the sea life (as you can tell by my tattoo). Gosh I need this, I really, really need this.

I bought an older 1996 pop up camper a few weeks ago. We love to go camping as much as possible throughout the year. Al has spent last two weeks scraping off old decals, removing all the old fixtures, repainting it and we are having a friend do custom decals of the mountains to put back on. Luckily he was able to do everything short of decals so we can use it this weekend! Our first camping trip of the season and I cant wait. My sister and her family are also coming. We are having a camping birthday party for my sweet niece. I bought her a pogo ball for her birthday. I dont know how many of you remember the pogo ball, but I spend countless hours of my life hopping around on one.

I leave you with some pics of our pop up restoration project......

 When we first purchased

 Everything stripped off and first coat of paint

New paints and lights. Just waiting on decals

Friday, May 11, 2012

Funny Friday

This picture may offend some of you, but for me I see the complete irony of it and laughed so hard this morning.

Btw- 5DPO

Thursday, May 10, 2012

Two Lined Ladies!

Holy cow! Is it just me or have the last two months been filled with two lines everywhere? Since I started my blog in 2010 I have never seen so many of my infertile friends getting pregnant.

First of all let me say a huge congrats to all of you! I know there truly isnt anyone more deserving of a child then someone who has struggled.

In a way I am kinda sad for me but mainly super happy for all of the two lined ladies! Woop Woop!

Just wanted to give all of you a shout out. All of your hard work paid off and hopefully the rest of us will be there with you all soon.

Thought this was a fitting pic for you guys....

Before I forget. I didnt get a chance to individually answer everyone on my PCOS post yesterday. Thank all of you for the wonderful information!

Wednesday, May 9, 2012

Call Back

Yesterday while I was at the Dermatologist office, I had a voicemail from my RE's office. From the voicemail I am willing to bet that they dont want to run additional test to see if I have PCOS. She said that Dr. H looked at my chart and she was calling me back instead of emailing because there was alot to communicate to me. Obviously if they thought testing was due, then she would have just set up a time for me to come in. Of course I wont know for sure until she calls me back today (hopefully).

Let me tell you that being a Dermatologist is not a luxurious job by any means. I had some nasty moles, skin tags and a growth under my arm that I wanted removed before we leave for Mexico. The doctor was so young and she was very peppy and pretty. She lifted up my arm and the thing growing under there didnt freak her out a bit. I guess under that there was a blackhead. She popped that like it wasnt nothing and then showed me and proceeded to tell me how she enjoys popping peoples blackheads. I thought it was a spider bite or something, lol. For some reason I was thinking they would freeze the moles off but no luck. They were shaved off with a razor. Blood usually doesnt phase me, but I think seeing it along with bloody razor blade and my skin did it. I seriously turned green around the gills. I have never felt so sick, so quickly. Great news is, I am ugly growth free for our vacation. Just a little sore.

I will update when I hear back from my RE. Btw today is 3DPO. Should I be a little hopeful this cycle? I was until I read about clomid giving false positive frequently. Between the clomid and the prometrium, I am having serious cramps, peeing all the time and tired. Funny I have more side effects from a little pill of prometrium then I have from a huge shot of progesterone oil....


So I just heard back and there are some indications I could have PCOS. The doctor said if I did have it, it would be a "soft case" which means super mild case of it. He said that my ovaries look great for my age but there signs of PCOS by looking. He also stated its not as simple as saying yes or no I do or dont have it. He offered to run more blood test on me and actually said he would be more then happy to run any test I wanted. But, he did stress that even if I do have a mild case, it WONT change my treatment. So it is fully up to me at this point. Since my insurance doesnt cover any of this and we are out of pocket over $20,000 this year already, I think I am going to opt for not doing further testing since it wont change my current treatment plan.

Tuesday, May 8, 2012

Part II

So last night on the way home, my husband informed me on how he felt about "self diagnosis". I wont lie, it pissed me off and I voiced my opinion on that. I am not self diagnosing myself, I am simply asking the doctor to run somemore test that could possible have a different outcome. I just find it a little disturbing that I have so many of the symptons on this list. Isnt it worth looking into? Sometime I get so upset that Al has such blind faith in our doctor. I dont anymore. I havent tried to cover that up and have been very honest about it since our failed ivf. I have lost faith in my doctor. But I dont have a choice because we made a hasty decision on our ivf(s) and now we are stuck with him until its over. Do I think he is a good doctor? Yes I do. I also think that he has such a overwhelming work load that some patients may not get 100% like they deserve. Can I tell my husband that? No he gets his panties in a knot everytime I even try to suggest that maybe our doctor should do additional testing etc. Plus it doesnt help that Al works for this hospital either. I am still waiting to hear back from them to see if they will do additional testing on me.

Is researching really a bad thing? Who doesnt want to prepare themselves with information? Is your doctor always going to care as much about your health and treatment as you do?

Monday, May 7, 2012

New Information?

So I recieved an email this morning from a caring fellow blogger. I started reading this email and was completely blown away by its contents. She asked if I had ever been tested for PCOS and then went on to tell me a little about it and posted a link. My first thought when reading this was " I cant have PCOS because I do have regular cycles" well I guess you can have it and have regular cycles. This started making my think........ 
Here are a few symptons that I do have..........................................

I have facial hair (big time)

Other Skin Problems. Skin tags - thick lumps of skin sometimes as large as raisins - can form as a result of PCOS. They are usually found in the armpits, at the bra line or neck and can easily be removed by a dermatologist. Darkening and thickening of the skin can also occur around the neck, groin, underarms or skin folds. This condition, called Acanthosis Nigricans, is a sign of Insulin Resistance, the underlying cause of PCOS. Other women with PCOS note an increase in dandruff.

Thinning Hair (Huge issue)
Weight gain in abdominal area verses all over weight gain
Mood Swings
High Cholestrol/Blood Pressure
Acne along with super oily skin

You know I was diagnosed with unexplained infertility and that could possibly still be the case but this stunned me, especially with the skin issues Ive been having. I contacted my doctors office this morning about further testing. I feel that this is something that needs to be done. It is so nice to have people care about you so much!

Sunday, May 6, 2012

200th Post and then some.

Its hard to believe but this is my 200th post! I have definitely had so many different emotions though out these post's, happiness, sadness, anger, and sometime pure boredom. The best thing about blogging, is you. I have met some pretty amazing woman through this blog. Actually very amazing ladies. Some of us have finally jumped the fence to the other side and some of us are still climbing. But we have ALL been here for each other regardless and that is something that most of us IRL don't have. Thank you all for sticking with me this long through my own personal journey of secondary infertility. 

On a separate note I had something pretty amazing happen last night. I got a positive ovulation strip. This is my first time ever and the weirdest thing was I felt a lot of action happening in my ovaries yesterday. The clomid did its job finally. I know the chances of conceiving on a natural cycle with a little bit of clomid is almost slim to none, but I feel accomplished that I actually ovulated. Small feats my friends, small feats.

Only 28 days until Mexico!!!

Friday, May 4, 2012

I hate ovulation test..

Okay I am so far from an expert on the ovulation strips. I do know that the control line and second line have to be the same color in order for a positive. Is it like a pregnancy test though? (as far as progression of line)?  for the last few days my lines have been really light and today it is much darker. Does that mean I am almost ready for ovulation? I posted a pic of the strip and could use any help possible. My clomid calculator said ovulation would take place from 5/1 to 5/6. Thanks ladies, I owe you!

Funny Friday for Infertility

Thursday, May 3, 2012

Thursday Ramblings

I hope I can keep you with me during this post today. First of all, is there anyone out there taking COQ10? If so, is it me or does it taste like the smell of a perm? I always knew perms smelled bad but they taste worse, promise you that.

Oklahoma has some of the worst drivers in the nation. I would go out on a limb to say including other countries but I think Mexico has us beat. Coming to work this morning in the fast lane of a major interstate a County Sheriff decides to go from 70 to a complete stop so he can park in the grass median area. No slowing down to warn people, just brakes. My freaking orange juice went everywhere and I think we have 3 less inches of tread on tires. The mood I am in this morning, Mr. Sheriff recieved the middle finger from Mrs. Rapp. It had to be done. That is purely unacceptable! I could really go on all day and then some about the drivers here in Oklahoma. Maybe the majority of them took their test driving a fucking tractor. Yes I might have some rage today and even a little anger. Just bad day people, bad, bad day.

I talked to the doctors office the other day about starting prometrium during two week wait. They called some in and told me to start taking it after ovulation (3) days to be exact. On my clomid calculator it said that ovulation would take place from 5/1 - 5/6. On the first I felt pain in ovaries but didnt have any ovulation strips, they just came in yesterday. I tested last night and this morning and the second line is FAINT. Since I have never tested positive on these damn things, I am at a complete loss on what I should do. Should I test until the 6th and then start prometrium or just not worry about it this cycle? It was so much easier being monitored through the doctor. Doing this shit on your own is crap. I can only do one more clomid cycle since we will start bcp in July and hopefully my surgery around the same time.

Did I tell you that I start stims on August 11th? That means that retreival will be either on my birthday or a day before/after. Either way that is kind of cool! I have been on a new vitmain regimin suggested by the lovely woman on here. I did order some all natural prenatal vitamins from GNC that you can take on an empty stomach. They taste like all natural vitamins also (you know the tree taste)? I love them, only downfall is I take them three times a day. Also on asprin, COQ10 and B-12. Will this make any difference for my next ivf? I have no clue but it doesnt hurt to try.

Lastly, I am on the fence about spending another $1,000 on acupuncture. It obviously didnt do anything for my egg quality the last go around. It did help with my horrible headaches and some stress relief. Is stress relief really worth $1,000?

Tuesday, May 1, 2012

So sad

Something slipped out of my mouth again last night on the way home. I said " I dont want a baby anyway". My husband just looked at me. I told him that I enjoy our alone time right now and being able to do whatever we want. I didnt say it because I meant it, I said it to protect myself from another let down.  There have been so many new pregnancies lately on my blog. There are also a few of us who are getting negatives. I keep asking myself, what is wrong with me that I cant get pregnant? It is so frustrating to be diagnosed with unexplained infertility. How can everything be working the way it should and no pregnancy? I think this just adds to my whole denial of ever having a baby with my husband. Every night I tell myself that we wont be able to get pregnant so just move on already. The disappointment of this situation is truly over whelming. When I first came into all of this, I was so positive and just knew that all the iuis would work and if they didnt I had ivf to fall back on. The iuis have come and gone along with ivf and still no pregnancy. I wish I didnt have so much anger and bitterness about this whole situation but I do. Now being on the clomid again and trying to fool myself into thinking we actually have a shot at this. I guess I must like self torture or something.  Sorry, I am just down in the dumps. Usually pregnancy annoucements dont phase me but the last week or so has been so hurtful to my soul. I think the realization that its not going to happen to me again is finally setting in.