Friday, May 30, 2014

Quick Update

Hey everyone~ I am back from a week long camping trip. The first part of our trip was with family and the second part started on Monday when Al and I drove about 5 hours away for a husband and wife camping trip. Besides bleeding for the whole week the camping trip went so well. That part of the state is so beautiful!

Here are a few pics:

I finally heard back today on my three hour glucose test I had last week.

3 hour glucose test results:
Fasting level 88
1 hour 210
2 hour 114
3 hour 39

Don't fit criteria for GD, but borderline. Have to repeat test again at 24 weeks.

I can honestly say I thought I was done with the glucose test forever :) I have an u/s appointment with MFM clinic on Monday to check on bleeding and babies. Never in a million years did I think I would bleed through whole first trimester and into second trimester and the babies still be with me.  I am SO lucky and blessed. Today is 15W2D. Gender u/s is next Saturday!! I can't believe it, I really can't.

My guess is Two Girls! The heartbeats are still really high at around 179 -183.

I hope all of you had a wonderful Memorial Day and weekend.

Monday, May 19, 2014

First Baby Purchase

I broke down last week and made my first hopper purchase. This was such a huge step for me and accepting this pregnancy.

We are taking our new camper out this weekend for its first camping trip. Our first camping trip is going to be from Friday-Sunday with my sister and family and then we are heading off to SE Oklahoma from Tuesday-Friday for a solo camping trip with Al and I. I guess it is our consolation prize for not going to Colorado. I am pretty excited though because I have never been to that part of the state and I heard it is absolutely beautiful with crystal clear lakes and rivers. Plus I am gone from work for a week!!

This Friday is my three hour glucose test. June 7th is our gender u/s and I have a feeling that Hopper "A' is a girl. Here is a cute u/s pic from Friday. Al and I were laughing so hard!

Nothing else going on really. Still spotting (but that is the norm anymore). I have another OB appointment on Wednesday to check on the babies and blood pressure. Feeling pretty good today and I am going to take full advantage of that!

I hope you all have a wonderful Memorial Day weekend. What are your plans?

Saturday, May 17, 2014

OB & MFM Appointment

Yesterday when I got to the OB office I was feeling pretty under the weather. My blood pressure was 145/80 and pulse was 148 or 145, not sure. They took a urine sample and my urine was loaded with glucose. U/s showed babies doing fine (as always). They were kicking and moving all over. I had appointment with the NP, but my doctor came in to talk with me. He was a little concerned about my blood sugar levels and they are referring me over to the diabetes center also. He believes once we get all my levels where they need to be that I will notice a huge difference and feel better. I feel guilty for even complaining about feeling bad because I am pregnant and this is what I wanted for so long and worked so hard for. He explained to me that my babies are parasites and will suck everything out of my body they need LOL sorry but that seriously made me laugh so hard! After my visit with him, he sent me over to the MFM clinic to have a better u/s and see if they could find the source of bleeding. I am not seeing OB and MFM more often then originally planned. I think every two weeks. Al and I went over and had our u/s. Hopper "A" was going crazy and doing flips and then all of a sudden the baby totally put her legs up in the air. I laughed so hard! Al seems to think that Hopper "A" is a boy, but I think she is a girl. We will see in two weeks.

Is this seriously not the cutest??

Back to u/s. They did find another clot on the bottom of my uterus, but it is small and he feels it will resolve soon. I am still bleeding tonight. It has been off and on since Thursday night. I do feel much better now. I have also decided that I am going to take everything happening with stride. All I have done for the past few weeks is complain on how shitty I feel (which I do), but there is a much bigger picture here. My babies and their health. I am starting on a diabetic diet, also pushing more iron and proteins. The doctors are still waiting for the report on my Holter monitor and want to do a u/s of my heart if the shortness of breath gets any worse. They have also mentioned that it could be a side effect from my IVIG treatments. I guess it causes heart heart arrhythmia which I didn't know. The MFM doctor wants me to talk with Dr. Kim about the benefits verses risks at this point of pregnancy in continuing the infusions. He said they will fully support whatever she wants to do. Also at this point I have been taken completely off the Lovenox. So from here on out is lots of monitoring and my job is to keep these babies growing, healthy and happy.

Friday, May 16, 2014

Updates and 21 days (NEW UPDATE)

Yesterdays appointment had good news and not so good news. Good news is, the babies were doing fine. They were moving all around. We didn't get measurements or heartbeats, but you could see their little hearts pounding away. She did an exam and found some old blood in my cervix, but nothing new. On the u/s she found cysts on my ovaries that she seems to think is the cause of bleeding. I am inclined to disagree, but I am not a doctor. I've had no pain like in previous times when I had a cyst that ruptured. The places where you could see a liquid collection was not in my uterus and the placentas were nice and high.

Bad news:

I failed my one hour glucose test. The cut off is a level of 140 and mine was 183. I have to go in for the three hour next week. My iron has also dropped more. I think she said it is at 9.5 which according to her is way to low and they don't expect to see this in a woman who is in her first trimester. I am starting rx iron supplements twice a day. I am sure this will be great including I can go to the bathroom as is. Oh well it is what it is.

Cherry on Top:

I went a wonderful 21 days with no bleeding. That all ended last Saturday night when I had another gusher. Well last night I had four gushers. It lasted all night long and I am still bleeding today. It wasn't just a little of blood either. I went through three heavy pads throughout the night. I think it would be a understatement to say at this point I don't feel completely defeated. Guess I thought will everything we went through to get pregnant that the pregnancy would go a little easier for me. Again, there is nothing I can do to change it. Just have to roll with the punches. Have another call into the doctor about the bleeding.

Just heard back from OB and they want me back today for another u/s. My appointment is at 2:45.

Thursday, May 15, 2014

13W1D & Appointments

My first appointment for the day went very well. I had my glucose test and blood pressure monitoring this morning at MFM. I am happy to report my blood pressure medications are working. It was 130/68, but my pulse is still a little high around 130bpm. I went after that and did the one hour glucose test. Man that stuff tastes so much better than it did 17 years ago! It wasn't the orange flat sunkist in a bottle. I think I only had to drink about 6 ounces of clear sweet liquid. I will have the results next week. The MFM doctor said if it is positive now that I will most likely have GD because of my family history. Fingers crossed I pass it :)

My second appointment is at 2:45 today for my u/s to check on the hoppers. I am still spotting since my small bleed last Saturday. I did find one heart beat on the doppler last night. It came in at 174 bpm. I haven't even attempted to find the second heart beat yet as finding one has been a task.

I heard from Dr. Kim's office yesterday so we could go over all my medications. She still wants me on the progesterone even though my levels were 86.9 or something like that a week ago. I have decided not to take the progesterone any further. All my doctors have told me that the placenta has already taken over and is producing progesterone. With all the other medications I am on, it is nice to be done with the needles from PIO. 

I am still on the following:

Lovenox 40mg every other day, if everything is fine with u/s today I will go back to 40mg daily.
Prednisone 10mg daily
Metanx once daily
Baby Aspirin 81mg daily
Labetalol 200mg daily
Metformin 500mg twice daily
Vitamin E
Vitamin D
IVIG once a week at 15grams

I think I deserve a " experienced pill popper metal" I was laughing so hard last night telling my husband that I am only 38 years old and standing in the kitchen swallowing my blood pressure meds with my daily Miralax cocktail. LOL

Monday, May 12, 2014

Pregnancy Updates

Well this pregnancy has definitely been eventful and full of heart pounding moments :) Today I am 12w5d pregnant. I have a MFM appointment on Thursday for my one hour blood glucose test and blood pressure check. I found out Friday afternoon that I am anemic and that could be the cause of my fast pulse. After finding out I went to Web MD and did research on the symptoms. I was completely blown away with all the symptoms I've been having and was thinking it was something else. 

Leg charlie horses almost daily
Fast heartbeat
Craving ice all the time
insomnia (which is not totally related)
easily exhausted

I started a new prenatal vitamin today with iron and will be tested again next week. 

I also made it 21 days without bleeding! That was until Saturday morning at 4, I woke up and went to the bathroom. My undies were all bloody and I had a small gush. It was gone as quick as it started. No cramps, no back pain, but I have been spotting since Saturday (brown). So I decided to call my OB today. My next appointment was on May 21st and I wanted to get checked out before that time. They are fitting me in this Thursday at 2:45 to check on my little Hoppers. I still get nervous, but not like I was in the beginning. From everything I read the miscarriages risk does drop significantly after 12 weeks.  I do have a doppler but I am so frustrated with using it. Everything I have researched said baby hb is suppose to sound like a galloping horse. I mainly hear swishing, swooshing, sometimes it sounds like the wind is blowing, sometimes maybe galloping. The readings always range from 125-135 in most areas, then I get 150's, 160's a 170 for a second and then it drops to 125 again. I am not sure if it is because I am pregnant with twins or I am just a complete freaking moron (which is a real possibility), but this doppler leaves me more confused then anything.

I called one of those outside u/s places this morning and set up our gender u/s. It is scheduled for June 7th~ After calling I worried it was to early and that I should wait in case something happens, but I am tired of waiting for the ball to drop. If I lose these babies it will hurt just as much rather I made plans for pregnancy stuff or not. Since we aren't doing a gender reveal party, I invited my sister and MIL/FIL to come to the u/s and find out with us. They are all so excited. Who am I kidding? I am excited! I want to know what my babies are so I can start calling them by names. Al and I had names  picked out for a boy/girl over four years, but now we have names for every combination:

B/G - Lilah & Ethan
G/G/- Lilah & Olivia
B/B- Ethan & Ian

I can't wait until I can talk to them and know who these little people are inside of me. I also did the official FB announcement today. That was very hard. I thought back to the other times I announced and we lost the pregnancy. Since this is our last pregnancy, I want to share the news with friends regardless what happens. My babies deserve that. Here is what our announcement said:

"After fighting infertility for over four years straight, Al and I are expecting twins later in the Fall. I think it is very important for people to understand what we went through for to get to this point. During our four year struggle we went through 2 ivf’s, 7 iui’s, 6 miscarriages, 3 surgeries, and too many to count injections and medications. Finally last September we decided to go with an alternative treatment and see a Reproductive Immunologist in Chicago. She found that my body was attacking the embryos and I have several immune issues along with clotting factors. We started on daily blood thinner injections and steroids. I am also doing weekly plasma infusions to keep my body from attacking the babies. It all paid off after so many years of heartbreak. I hope that we are capable of giving these babies everything they need, but I know without a doubt they will be loved beyond measure. I will also NEVER forget our struggle or the others going through this daily.

Introducing our little hoppers at 12 weeks pregnant;"
It was so very important to me that people knew our struggle. So lots of stuff going on. Here is my latest bump. I don't look pregnant yet more like I ate a few spare tires. I am definitely okay with that though :)

Final Chapter

As I said previously my best friend talked me into joining a roller derby team. I figured why not? Good exercise, get to take out aggressions and have fun. One of the first people we started talking to was Al. His derby name was O2D2 ( because he worked for an oxygen company). He was a ref for the team and very kind. I was not physically attracted to him, nor was he my type AT ALL, but a very sweet and friendly person. We started talking and really enjoyed each others company. Although my derby career ended almost as quickly as it started, I met my husband through it. I think a few months in I tore my ACL and was done. It was probably a good thing because I was a much better skater at the age of 12 verses 34. After a few months of seeing each other, Al asked me if I would be interested in dating him exclusively. I have to sit here and giggle because most men would not ask that question, in fact it would be the other way around.  He took my home for Christmas to meet his family. I couldn't believe how welcoming they all were. Here I was some girl from derby, tattooed up, smoker (at the time) and had a teenage daughter and they bought us Christmas presents and treated us like family from day one. I have always told Al from day one how lucky he is to have a loving family. His parents are still married and love each other, they have strong values and are truly amazing people. We dated a year before he asked me to marry him. For the first time in my life I knew this was the person I was meant to be with. I know it all sounds so cliche, but I really knew. We are complete opposites and that is what works for us. I told him about my family and the abuse growing up. I never wanted pity from him or anyone else though and he never did pity me or treat me any different. 

From the first few months of dating Al told me he wanted a family. He was very sure of this and wanted to make sure I felt the same way so we didn't waste each others time. I course I wanted more kids. My daughter was a teenagers and I had not been in a relationship worthy of bringing a child into this world until now. Al was very old fashioned and we did not live together until we were married. The day we were married, we were trying to start our family. I did go the OB for a normal check up and for the next six months we tried naturally, nothing. The OB started me on clomid and at this time I had already turned 35 so we decided to fast track to the RE. The rest of this story you guys already know. After four + years of treatment, losses, and heartbreak, we are now pregnant with twins due in November. 

Now I would like to get to the most important part of all these chapters. I have learned over the years that life is what you make of it, Nothing more nothing less. In a perfect world we would all have everything we wanted handed to us on a silver platter, but it doesn't work like that and unfortunately bad things happen and for some of us they happen more often. I have always had the choice to let my life events define me as a victim or a victor. I will never sit back and whine about why this stuff happened to me, because it did. I think the same goes with any obstacles in life whether it be diseases such as infertility, loss of family or job, etc. I am in some ways grateful that my life was this way, it has taught me so much in life and it has helped me become a stronger person then I ever could have imagined. I also know that there is ALWAYS someone out there with a life way worse then yours. I also have learned to be thankful for small blessings in my life. So I hope my story has helped at least one person following me to know that sometimes as bad as life seems, you have the control over how you handle it. 

Thanks for following along during this journey. I wish the best for every single one of my followers.

Friday, May 9, 2014

Overdue Post NT Scan

Sorry it has been a few days since I posted last. I ended up admitted to the hospital for blood pressure issues.

We had our NT scan on Tuesday and the babies looked great! Both were measuring 3 days ahead and had strong heartbeats. After the scan, doctor came in and went over our downs risk. They didn't do the blood work that goes along with the scan because she said the scan itself is more accurate. A woman my age pregnant with twins has a 1/56 chance of having a baby with chromosomal issues etc. After the scan my risk was at 1/186 which is elevated of course, but still less than a 1% chance. Al and I decided we didn't want to do any further testing at this point. The only other real option we have is amino and that is way to invasive for me to take a chance with. During the appointment they took my blood pressure and it was high at 170/89 and pulse was 144. They waited about 30 minutes, gave me some water and took it again. It finally went down to 150/80 and pulse at 140. So I was put on labetol for my blood pressure. I woke up the next morning feeling really bad so they sent me to the OB urgent care at the hospital. My blood pressure was lower at 110/60 but pulse was very high again. I had EKG and CT scan. They found that part of a chamber in my heart is stopping and contracting (which happens with palpitations). It is pretty normal, but my heart is pumping very fast and they aren't sure why. It could be that is just the way mine works, but they have me on holter monitor to see what it is doing. They also added some new medications for me to take. Hopefully this was just a little bump in the road.

Here are pics of the Hoppers:

I have an appointment for blood pressure monitoring next Thursday along with my glucose test. She wants to do the glucose early because of family history. Regardless I am bound and determined to carry these little hoppers for as long as they need me to :)

I promise to get catch up on the "chapters of my life" within the next few days. I am at work today for a few hours to get caught up on worked missed the last few days.

Tuesday, May 6, 2014

11w5d Appointment Update (NEW UPDATE)

It turns out that the u/s machine at the RE office is only good to a certain point. I am sure they aren't used to having many patients there at almost 12 weeks getting vaginal u/s. Good news though, we were able to get the babies.. They were moving around so much he couldn't get accurate measurements though. His estimation for each was:

Hopper "A" 12w0d, hb of 178
Hopper "B" 12w3d, hb of 175

Is it weird that I was looking at the screen while these two babies were moving around and thinking to myself, " are these really my babies"? I still feel a disconnect that this is really happening to me. Although Al and I never planned for twins, we love them so much already. I know that I will do whatever it takes to give them the best life and let them feel so loved and wanted. I will also share with them how hard we tried and our struggles to get them here. I could never be ashamed of what we went through and I will never hide what we went through to anyone.

Okay back to appointment. I told Dr. H that I might not be able to get in for the NT scan because they were currently overbooked already. He told me that he was going to send an email to the Director at MFM and get me in for the scan. At the end my doctor truly came through for me. Although we had to get additional treatment in Chicago, he supported us and has helped me so much within the past 12 weeks. I am so grateful.

Here is a "bad" picture of the hoppers. Dr. H said they are getting to big to pick up with the vaginal wand.

Side note:

I just want those of you following me that are still working through losses and trying to get pregnant to know that I do think of you all the time. I hope my story gives you some hope and faith that you will succeed. I know some days it doesn't seem like it. It happened for us at the very end of our journey when we had decided to quit treatments and move on. I know it sounds like a total cliche, but it is true.


Just received a phone call from MFM office. I go in today at 1:00 for my NT scan!

Monday, May 5, 2014

Chapter Five & Pregnancy Update

Chapter Five:
During this time I had moved out of my hometown and closer to my job that was about 25 miles away. I started dating around for a while and then I met Michael. He was much younger than me. I think at the time he was about 24 and I was closer to 30. He was tall blonde hair and beautiful green eyes. I remember the night I met him, it was at a local bar and he was shooting pool. I sent him over a drink. Yeah I am not the type of girl who waits for a guy to make moves on me. We started talking and before I knew it half the night was gone. He gave me his phone number. I remember waiting a few days and then calling. A older woman answered the phone which I thought was very odd. I asked if Michael was there and rudely she had replied no he wasn’t. I left a message. About two hours later he returned my call and of course I asked about the woman. It turned out to be his mom. He said she was going through a rough patch and needed to place to stay for a while, so she was living with him. I really didn’t think much of it at the time. We met up a few more times and then I learned that he was actually an amputee like my dad. He was very self conscious about the fact that he had a prosthetic, but I had been around this so it really didn’t bother me. I learned that he was hit by a drunk driver and pinned against another car and lost his leg. Things started falling into place early in the relationship, but I didn’t see it. Maybe I knew in my heart what this relationship would be like and maybe I just wanted to fix him. He drank a lot, everyday. He was obviously still in a very bad place from losing his leg. He made himself a victim. I don’t play into the victim role so over time I tried to build him up. Come to find  out he lived with his mom, not vice versa. He didn’t work, he lived on social security and basically spent his time at the bar drinking his sorrows away. I saw more than that though. I saw someone I could help move on to a better place in life. We continued dating and eventually moved in together. I talked him into going to Vo-Tech. I thought this would give him some push to do something with his life. In the meantime I financially took care of all three of us. I paid all the bills. As time went on I realized that he just wanted to be a victim the rest of his life and get “poor me” attention from everyone. He graduated Vo-tech and that was the end. I was hoping he would find a nice job he liked, but it was always excuses. He leg her, his prosthetic didn’t fit right, he couldn’t stand, blah blah blah. Three years after we started dated I finally told him that I had nothing else to offer him and we needed to go our separate ways. He of course moved back home with his mother. She was the biggest enabler he had. I know that I never loved him, but I did care for him so deeply. There was so much potential in this person, but he never saw it. It was heartbreaking. I found out 3 years ago that he died in a car crash. I sat back and thought, what if I stayed? Would he still be alive? Of course I know that him dying is not my fault, but I still have the guilt of it. He was so young and had so much to offer the world. This still makes me so upset thinking about it. I know I have moved on with my life, but regardless he had a special place in my heart and always will. It is such a shame he was taken from this world.

After the break-up with Michael, I pretty well gave up on finding any kind of healthy relationship. I think at the time I was about 33 and single with my daughter. Over all the years I never had a good strong relationship with any man. I spent time with my best friend. When my daughter would go to stay with her dad we would go hang out singing karaoke and having fun. One day she had the bright idea that we join a roller derby team. I thought she had lost her freaking mind, but she was very serious. This is where my life takes a total 360 degree turn.

Pregnancy Update:

I am 11w5d today. Going to my RE for one last u/s at 3:30 for measurements and heartbeats on the hoppers. Dr. Kim has also cut Prednisone from 20mg to 10mg because of some issues I am having. Today is my 4th day at 10mg and thank goodness my appetite is going down some. I have also been able to sleep more than 2 hours for a few nights. 

Friday, May 2, 2014

Chapter Four

Chapter Four:
After the divorce I stayed in my home town where I grew up and got a lot of help from my dad and sister. One thing I haven’t made very clear through this story is the love I did have for my dad growing up. Most of what I have said so far has been my feeling after the fact. After finding out everything about him. Although we fought and had a very dysfunctional relationship, we were close. He was my only parent and I loved him. Despite everything I think he loved my daughter, his granddaughter. He was very proud of her. By this time in his life he was much older and in horrible health. On oxygen and had his leg amputated because of diabetes. My sister and I took care of him a lot. Things seemed to be better after I had C and divorced her dad. I won’t lie though, I still had no clue on being a mother, but I did take care of her immediate needs such as feeding her and clothing her and keeping a roof over our head. 

She was about 4 years old when my father died. I will never forget that day. He called in the afternoon as soon as I had walked in from work. I was tired and just didn’t want to deal with him at that point.  I already knew he was calling me to come over and either cook, clean or help do something. Just like my sister and I did every single day and most of the time it was multiple times a day. It was so overwhelming and exhausting. Although my sister did it for many more years then me. He called and asked if I could come over that he needed help with something. I told him I would be over in a little while. That was the last time I ever spoke to my father. The next phone call was from my uncle a few hours later saying I needed to come over to my dad’s house right away. My sister ended up going over there to take him dinner and found him dead in his bathroom. To this day I feel so much guilt about the decision to ignore him. Would it have made a difference? No. His health was horrible and it was bound to happen. I never told him that I did love him before he died. I know many people will sit here and ask how I could love such a person. Regardless what he was my father. He raised me. I do believe that most of my father’s problems were caused from family history and the abuse that I later found also happened to him throughout his whole childhood. The only difference between us, he couldn’t overcome his past or overcome what happened and I could. After he died I really felt lost. But at the same time I also felt free. This was the beginning of my new life and transformation into the person I am today, but I didn’t know it at the time. It took my father dying for me to take a good look at my life as a person as a mother as a sister and as a friend.

One thing I knew was that I never wanted to turn into what my whole family had become. I wanted better for myself and I wanted better for my daughter. Here I was a single mother with a high school diploma. There were so many decisions to make and I won’t lie, I was scared. I guess when my dad was alive, I always had him to fall back on. If I needed financial help with C or needed help paying bills, I could count on him for that. I was now realizing it was fully my responsibility to take care of my daughter. No lifelines left. I never would want to ask my sister for any kind of financial help. I mean I was the older sister. She was suppose to look up to me not me rely on her. It always happened that she was the responsible sister all along.

I think the first thing that helped change my life to the direction it is now, was a temp job I got. The receptionist was leaving for maternity leave and this oil company needed someone to take over for a few months. I was able to get the job. This job was the first real job I ever had. I always worked from the time I was 16, but it was always fast food, minimum wage paying jobs. A few months went by and the girl came back from maternity leave. There was another opening for accounting and she was offered the job so I was offered a full time position as receptionist. I remember my first quarterly bonus was $500. I couldn’t believe that I worked somewhere that gave not only one bonus a year, but 4! Wow I had insurance and made decent money to take care of C and I. Don’t get me wrong, we weren’t going on any vacations, but were able to pay rent and eat. Months went by at work and an opening came available in the land department. I went into the land manager and asked if he would consider me for the position. I told him I had no experience with land, but I could promise him that I would work hard and learn fast. He offered me the job. The company started paying for all my land classes and other math classes etc I needed for the job over the years. Finally I was able to take the test and became a Registered Landman after five years. I finally found a place that I fit into . I love the industry and this job made me feel important. I remember at the time I was making $22,000 a year and thought I was rolling in the dough. After all these years things were finally starting to turn around.

Thursday, May 1, 2014

Chapter Three

Chapter Three:

I think the most out of control part of my life was the next several years, from the age of 18 to about 21. I skipped around different places living and never stayed anywhere for to long. I finally hooked up with some old high school friends and that is where I met my first husband T. I can’t tell you till this day what attracted me to him. He was very selfish, egotistical, and didn’t really care about much in life either, I guess like me? He was four years older than me. We started dating and before I knew it, we were living together at his moms house. He would basically go out to the bars all night and I would be stuck in his room because I was to young. That is how most of our early relationship went. After about six or seven months we moved into an apartment and I got a job at Sonic. This is where I met J, sweet in her own way, but just as troubled as me. We hit it off from day one. While T would go out at night partying at the bar until 6 in the morning, I would hang out with J and smoke weed. At first it started off at weed only. Then one day our manager at Sonic introduced me to something much worse, cocaine and eventually crank. I remember the first time trying those drugs and feeling like I could walk on the clouds, nothing could touch me, I didn’t have any fears, any anger, any hurt, just a perfect world  in front of me. During this the next few years I was into drugs DEEP. It was a daily thing and I was also in the position on being around bigger drug dealers with big quantities of drugs and a lot of money. That was a very scary situation now that I look back and think of all the things that could have happened to me during that time, but I just didn’t care one way or the other.  I felt like I was just an empty shell existing at times. T and I were always SO broke and giving plasma to buy cigarettes, (yes the typical stereotype of a druggie, that is what we were). I was at my all time low weight of about 105 lbs and being 5’7 with bags under my eyes from no sleep for days, but still holding down a full time job. It was bad. Really bad.

As you all know I have a daughter that will soon be 17 (in July) so you know she fits into this story line pretty soon. This is the hardest part for me to write about. I have felt so much guilt over the years and I will continue to feel guilt until the day I die.

I WAS THAT “STEREOTYPICAL DRUGGIE GIRL THAT GOT PREGNANT” Yes the one that every single infertile person hates.

I remember being really late for my period and taking a test and it was VERY positive. Being only 20, I was so excited I was having a baby. I did quit every single drug that day and never took any drugs during my pregnancy. I was still scared that she would be deformed and messed up because obviously I was on drugs during conception and a few weeks into the pregnancy. I am not sure how long though. I didn’t end up going to see a doctor until January and I got pregnant in October. We had to go through the health department because we didn’t have a pot to piss in. Barely making rent, T still smoking pot daily and going to the strip clubs at night. I always knew I would be a horrible mother. How could I be a mother to a baby and not every have anyone teach me how to do this? I was told over and over that it would come natural, but it didn’t. It never did. Not by any lack of trying. To make matters worse I smoked cigarettes all throughout my pregnancy and though by cutting down to lights that I had fixed the problem. Seriously, what the fuck was wrong with me? The guilt. I never really worried much later in pregnancy. I never worried about a miscarriage. After we found out it was a girl and healthy, I never thought much about it. I guess it was my time to play house. I never knew how hard it would be. When C was born, she weighed 6lbs 14 ½ oz and was 21 inches long and healthy. I soon screwed up again after she was born. She was about a week old and my old friend J showed up. I hadn’t seen much of her when I was pregnant because I quit all the drugs. She came over my house to visit us and baby. We went out on the porch and she brought out a joint. I took three hits of it.

What happens next has caused me to have so many nightmares throughout my life and I would take it all back if given the chance. This is what makes me the biggest asshole in the world.

We went into the house and I picked C up out of her basinet so my friend could hold her and in mid air I dropped her. Thank whatever force out there that was looking over us that day, but my friend caught her. I lost it. Completely lost my shit and couldn’t believe what I had just done. What kind of mother gets high with a new baby? A selfish one who obviously doesn’t care about anyone but herself. I asked my friend to leave and called T’s mom to come over and sit with baby.  I went to my room and slept off the high. That was the LAST time for a very long time that I ever picked up weed again. After that night I tried to bond and be a good mom. I always felt myself getting so frustrated because T was never there to help me and I was alone and overwhelmed. As the next two years went on we moved back to my old town near my dad and sister and they helped me with C so much. T never gave up smoking pot, going to strip clubs or staying out all night so I filed for divorce when C was two. (the same time my mom and dad divorced).