Thursday, May 1, 2014

Chapter Three

Chapter Three:

I think the most out of control part of my life was the next several years, from the age of 18 to about 21. I skipped around different places living and never stayed anywhere for to long. I finally hooked up with some old high school friends and that is where I met my first husband T. I can’t tell you till this day what attracted me to him. He was very selfish, egotistical, and didn’t really care about much in life either, I guess like me? He was four years older than me. We started dating and before I knew it, we were living together at his moms house. He would basically go out to the bars all night and I would be stuck in his room because I was to young. That is how most of our early relationship went. After about six or seven months we moved into an apartment and I got a job at Sonic. This is where I met J, sweet in her own way, but just as troubled as me. We hit it off from day one. While T would go out at night partying at the bar until 6 in the morning, I would hang out with J and smoke weed. At first it started off at weed only. Then one day our manager at Sonic introduced me to something much worse, cocaine and eventually crank. I remember the first time trying those drugs and feeling like I could walk on the clouds, nothing could touch me, I didn’t have any fears, any anger, any hurt, just a perfect world  in front of me. During this the next few years I was into drugs DEEP. It was a daily thing and I was also in the position on being around bigger drug dealers with big quantities of drugs and a lot of money. That was a very scary situation now that I look back and think of all the things that could have happened to me during that time, but I just didn’t care one way or the other.  I felt like I was just an empty shell existing at times. T and I were always SO broke and giving plasma to buy cigarettes, (yes the typical stereotype of a druggie, that is what we were). I was at my all time low weight of about 105 lbs and being 5’7 with bags under my eyes from no sleep for days, but still holding down a full time job. It was bad. Really bad.

As you all know I have a daughter that will soon be 17 (in July) so you know she fits into this story line pretty soon. This is the hardest part for me to write about. I have felt so much guilt over the years and I will continue to feel guilt until the day I die.

I WAS THAT “STEREOTYPICAL DRUGGIE GIRL THAT GOT PREGNANT” Yes the one that every single infertile person hates.

I remember being really late for my period and taking a test and it was VERY positive. Being only 20, I was so excited I was having a baby. I did quit every single drug that day and never took any drugs during my pregnancy. I was still scared that she would be deformed and messed up because obviously I was on drugs during conception and a few weeks into the pregnancy. I am not sure how long though. I didn’t end up going to see a doctor until January and I got pregnant in October. We had to go through the health department because we didn’t have a pot to piss in. Barely making rent, T still smoking pot daily and going to the strip clubs at night. I always knew I would be a horrible mother. How could I be a mother to a baby and not every have anyone teach me how to do this? I was told over and over that it would come natural, but it didn’t. It never did. Not by any lack of trying. To make matters worse I smoked cigarettes all throughout my pregnancy and though by cutting down to lights that I had fixed the problem. Seriously, what the fuck was wrong with me? The guilt. I never really worried much later in pregnancy. I never worried about a miscarriage. After we found out it was a girl and healthy, I never thought much about it. I guess it was my time to play house. I never knew how hard it would be. When C was born, she weighed 6lbs 14 ½ oz and was 21 inches long and healthy. I soon screwed up again after she was born. She was about a week old and my old friend J showed up. I hadn’t seen much of her when I was pregnant because I quit all the drugs. She came over my house to visit us and baby. We went out on the porch and she brought out a joint. I took three hits of it.

What happens next has caused me to have so many nightmares throughout my life and I would take it all back if given the chance. This is what makes me the biggest asshole in the world.

We went into the house and I picked C up out of her basinet so my friend could hold her and in mid air I dropped her. Thank whatever force out there that was looking over us that day, but my friend caught her. I lost it. Completely lost my shit and couldn’t believe what I had just done. What kind of mother gets high with a new baby? A selfish one who obviously doesn’t care about anyone but herself. I asked my friend to leave and called T’s mom to come over and sit with baby.  I went to my room and slept off the high. That was the LAST time for a very long time that I ever picked up weed again. After that night I tried to bond and be a good mom. I always felt myself getting so frustrated because T was never there to help me and I was alone and overwhelmed. As the next two years went on we moved back to my old town near my dad and sister and they helped me with C so much. T never gave up smoking pot, going to strip clubs or staying out all night so I filed for divorce when C was two. (the same time my mom and dad divorced).


  1. I knew from things you've said in the past that you've had a rough life, but how rough, obviously, I never knew. You know what? I think you are amazing. Not only for sharing all of this, but for rising above and becoming the person you are today. I can't even begin to fathom everything you've been through and yet here you are, an inspiration to SO many people that are struggling. You are kind, giving and caring to those of us in this community. You're an amazing Mama to Cierra and to those sweet Hoppers you're growing. I know you're not a hugger, but I'm hugging the hell outta you right now :) XO

  2. Nothing but admiration on this end. You are far stronger than you give yourself credit for.

  3. Ditto what Cristy said. I know this must be hard for you to write about, but it's incredibly inspiring to read.

  4. I believe so much of your strength comes from these tough times. I wish I could take them back for you so that they don't lay on your heart, but you are moving forward now. And you are a great mom to C and you will be a great mom to the hoppers. I can't imagine the demons you fight from your past but as a friend please know that I will help you with the battle!