Monday, May 5, 2014

Chapter Five & Pregnancy Update

Chapter Five:
During this time I had moved out of my hometown and closer to my job that was about 25 miles away. I started dating around for a while and then I met Michael. He was much younger than me. I think at the time he was about 24 and I was closer to 30. He was tall blonde hair and beautiful green eyes. I remember the night I met him, it was at a local bar and he was shooting pool. I sent him over a drink. Yeah I am not the type of girl who waits for a guy to make moves on me. We started talking and before I knew it half the night was gone. He gave me his phone number. I remember waiting a few days and then calling. A older woman answered the phone which I thought was very odd. I asked if Michael was there and rudely she had replied no he wasn’t. I left a message. About two hours later he returned my call and of course I asked about the woman. It turned out to be his mom. He said she was going through a rough patch and needed to place to stay for a while, so she was living with him. I really didn’t think much of it at the time. We met up a few more times and then I learned that he was actually an amputee like my dad. He was very self conscious about the fact that he had a prosthetic, but I had been around this so it really didn’t bother me. I learned that he was hit by a drunk driver and pinned against another car and lost his leg. Things started falling into place early in the relationship, but I didn’t see it. Maybe I knew in my heart what this relationship would be like and maybe I just wanted to fix him. He drank a lot, everyday. He was obviously still in a very bad place from losing his leg. He made himself a victim. I don’t play into the victim role so over time I tried to build him up. Come to find  out he lived with his mom, not vice versa. He didn’t work, he lived on social security and basically spent his time at the bar drinking his sorrows away. I saw more than that though. I saw someone I could help move on to a better place in life. We continued dating and eventually moved in together. I talked him into going to Vo-Tech. I thought this would give him some push to do something with his life. In the meantime I financially took care of all three of us. I paid all the bills. As time went on I realized that he just wanted to be a victim the rest of his life and get “poor me” attention from everyone. He graduated Vo-tech and that was the end. I was hoping he would find a nice job he liked, but it was always excuses. He leg her, his prosthetic didn’t fit right, he couldn’t stand, blah blah blah. Three years after we started dated I finally told him that I had nothing else to offer him and we needed to go our separate ways. He of course moved back home with his mother. She was the biggest enabler he had. I know that I never loved him, but I did care for him so deeply. There was so much potential in this person, but he never saw it. It was heartbreaking. I found out 3 years ago that he died in a car crash. I sat back and thought, what if I stayed? Would he still be alive? Of course I know that him dying is not my fault, but I still have the guilt of it. He was so young and had so much to offer the world. This still makes me so upset thinking about it. I know I have moved on with my life, but regardless he had a special place in my heart and always will. It is such a shame he was taken from this world.

After the break-up with Michael, I pretty well gave up on finding any kind of healthy relationship. I think at the time I was about 33 and single with my daughter. Over all the years I never had a good strong relationship with any man. I spent time with my best friend. When my daughter would go to stay with her dad we would go hang out singing karaoke and having fun. One day she had the bright idea that we join a roller derby team. I thought she had lost her freaking mind, but she was very serious. This is where my life takes a total 360 degree turn.

Pregnancy Update:

I am 11w5d today. Going to my RE for one last u/s at 3:30 for measurements and heartbeats on the hoppers. Dr. Kim has also cut Prednisone from 20mg to 10mg because of some issues I am having. Today is my 4th day at 10mg and thank goodness my appetite is going down some. I have also been able to sleep more than 2 hours for a few nights. 


  1. You have been through so much! Thank you so much for being so candid and honest. That's the bravest thing I have ever seen! Your strength just shines through. I'm so proud of you!

  2. It's so hard trying to help someone who can't help themselves. It's hard to leave them to their own devices, but very healthy that you did it. He only would have kept dragging you down.

  3. Your story is captivating.

    I wish there was something I could say that would help free you of your guilt.

    Good luck at the doctors!