Thursday, February 28, 2013

The end is near.

I just started spotting and cramping. Go back in tomorrow for more blood work. Started taking some ibuprofen and will add some Valium when I get home.  Looks like it is going to happen naturally.

Upcoming Anniversary

Still over a month away plus a few days, we will celebrate our 3rd Anniversary. Al and I wanted to celebrate as many anniversary's in the little mountain town we were married in. If you have never been to Eureka Springs Arkansas







 and live within driving distance, I highly recommend. It is located in the Ozark Mountains and such a beautiful town that still seems like it is still back in time. We make the 5 1/2 hour drive as much as possible. Al and I were married in a little chapel called Circle of Light on top of Beaver Lake. It is on top of a cliff and has the most beautiful views you could imagine. We spent $1,000 on our whole wedding! 





I am hoping to contact the owners while we are there and stop by to take a 3 year anniversary picture out under that ark, like we did when first married.



I have already booked a tree house for us to stay in the entire weekend of April 25th. I ended up booking the Manhattan tree house. ( 8 Months in advance).




I also booked a trip to Blanchard Springs Caverns. This cave system is suppose to be amazing!


While on our trip, Al and I plan on stopping at one of our favorite little local shops for some cheesecake and coffee. I love shopping there. All of the stuff is made local and the people are so amazing.

More then anything, I am ready to celebrate another great year with my husband. I sure was blessed in this department. I couldn't ask for anything else. Well maybe that he doesn't use so much damn windshield wiper cleaner while driving. I think he cleans our windshield at least 5 times an hour. LOL. 

Come on April 24th ( one of the best day's of the year)

Wednesday, February 27, 2013

Information?

I know that if I can get help with this question, here is right place to do it. My hcg levels were 23,900 when I called the clinic and they weren't expecting them to still be that high. I am so confused on how to prepare for this miscarriage. If I weren't so nervous about going under general again, I would say lets do the d&c and get this over with. I really want to do this naturally. With that being said, I have heard stories on both sides, d&c verses natural. I know the natural way can take a while. As hard as this is to hear, can any of you please give me some information or either you have gone through? Should I start to expect anything to happen soon or do my levels need to drop? My doctor said it will be very painful for about 24 hours. I am scared it is going to happen at work. I already told my boss that within the next two weeks I will need a few days off to handle things. Not sure what you really say to someone about that. My husband wants me to go through with the surgery. He doesn't want to see me in anymore pain or have this drag on for weeks. I am at a total loss where to go from here.

Please share your experiences with me so I can make an informative decision. 

Tuesday, February 26, 2013

Quick Update

Yesterday was a very bad day. Not only did I find out we lost Circle, I messed up at work and it was a huge mistake. Under normal circumstances I would have be reprimanded at the least. I guess losing Circle saved me from that. When I told the boss we lost the baby, he cried. He hugged me and kissed the top of my head. They just lost a son over a year ago due to suicide so he knows the pain of losing someone. He then told me to take all the time I needed (of course) to get through everything. That my life was way more important then work. I apologized for letting my personal life effect my job the way it had. I have never had this happen before infertility. Of course the boss said there was no comparison and that this place would run either way, that I needed to heal. About this time the other boss receives a phone call from a working interest owner that said his letter was wrong.  We went over the letters and not only did I forget to change important information on each letter, I forgot to attach another agreement. Huge fuck up on my part. Usually I handle criticism well, but not yesterday. My one boss is trying so hard not to be mad and the other is like you should have known. I broke out crying. Yes me crying after getting in trouble. Talk about feeling completely worthless. Any other time I would have admitted I made a mistake, apologized and fixed it. Yesterday I burst out of their office in tears. My boss came after me and told me it was his fault and not mine and that everything would be okay, we could fix this. The thing was, it wasn't his fault, it was mine. Today I am fixing letters and will personally go into their offices and assume responsibility for my mistake.

After leaving the office I talked with Al again about moving on. I asked if he was 100% sure and accept the idea. He told me yes and still feels that we can get pregnant naturally. I left the conversation there. I didn't want to tell him that I don't want to even think about getting pregnant again. We hit such a huge milestone this time and the pain was worse. How could I honestly go back and do that all over again with the chances of another dead baby. I might wait until after the miscarriage etc. and discuss going on some type of birth control for a while (at least). I can't even process the idea of trying again.

I also want to be very clear about this next statement. I wrote yesterday about closing this chapter of our lives and it wasn't how I imagined it would be. We got pregnant and I had a living, breathing baby inside me for weeks. That is the best gift I could ever have asked for. I feel at peace knowing we are leaving this part of our lives behind, but also were so blessed to feel what we did, even for a short time. There are no words to describe that and I will always smile when I think of our little Circle.

Finally, I have decided to start a new infertility and pregnancy after infertility facebook page. I learned what to do and not to do from my old page. This group will be very small and personal. It will be by invitation only. If a member would personally like to invite someone they know, then I would also accept them as a group member. This will be a private group and it will be a group that is supportive of all members going through infertility or pregnant after suffering. I will allow absolutely NO drama in this group under no circumstances. It will be filled with helpful information, links and support. We will also have fun give-a-ways and share fun pictures throughout the week. Anyone that is interested, please let me know. I plan on setting it up this week. I want to be there for woman who need support. I want you guys to know that no matter how dark things get, you can keep going. I hope that is the one thing you have thought about while following my blog.

The new facebook group is Chapters Through Infertility & More. Find us and request add. I will only add people I know.

Thank you,
Tonisha 


UPDATE: I had my hcg levels done yesterday and they were 23,000. Waiting to see what they do Friday before I make a decision how to move forward.

Monday, February 25, 2013

End of our story

7W5D, no heartbeat.

Our story ends here. I don't think after three plus years of trying this is how our story would end, but it did. I had to go in this morning by myself and heard the news I knew deep down I would this morning. I think we all have that gut feeling that overrides any normal emotions of being anxious or nervous. I knew. Deep down I knew from day one with my levels being so low. My sister offered to drive an hour to be with me this morning, but I told her no. I knew in my heart and didn't want to see the sadness in her eyes either. I already had to deal with it from the doctor and nurses. Everyone staring at you with such hurt and sadness. I really hate when people act that way toward me. The doctor said I had been through so much and deserved a break. Of course I did, but don't we all? They took my hcg levels and will retest Friday to see if they are dropping. I declined a D&C as this is it for Al and I on the fertility treatments. We pick up the pieces and move on the only way we know how. I do wish I knew when it was going to happen so I could take some time off work. I sit here this morning with co-workers already called in for the day and try to keep it together and not cry until I am at home where I can officially process and deal with this.


Talk about a crappy Monday.

Sunday, February 24, 2013

Blizzard & U/S

Well we are expecting a blizzard here in Oklahoma starting tomorrow afternoon and last through all day Tuesday. We live about 30 miles west of the city and are expecting higher snow totals. I made the decision this morning to call the clinic and see if they would move my ultrasound from Tuesday to Monday. I heard back about 30 minutes later, and will be going in tomorrow morning at 7:45 to see if we still have a heartbeat. I won't lie, my nerves are totally shot. I know that anything is possible. Gosh I hope this works. I feel like we have made it so far that it needs to work. I also feel like I have been tested and tested again. I deserve this. 


Updates on blizzard and ultrasound coming soon............................

Friday, February 22, 2013

Feeling.....

For anyone that knows me in real life, they know I am a complete clean freak (OCD) on my house. That was until about 2 weeks ago. Laundry is piled up, there are little dog and cat fur balls floating around the floors. One of the cats has all of Cierras rubber-band scattered all over the house, along with my zofran packages he pulls out of garbage to bat around. I make it through the day at work and truly plan to go home and do something, anything, but it doesn't happen. I sit in my recliner and if I can I eat some dinner and then in bed sleeping by 8 p.m. The funny thing is, I don't think I am suffering from fatigue, but by looking at my pattern, I am. Al has really picked up the pace around the house within the last few weeks. Gosh can you say I feel worthless?

Last night he made some sort of sausage, beef lasagna thing that sounded really good UNTIL he started cooking it. I knew I wouldn't be able to eat it and the smell was making me sick. So when dinner was done cooking, I got up and just couldn't do it. Al looked and me and said " Well don't eat it then baby" very passive aggressive. I knew he was upset, but it is not like these things are in my control. I have noticed one minute I am hungry and the next I am feeling blah. 

Of course things in our house have not been to great lately. I haven't went into this much, but it has caused A LOT of stress on our marriage. My husband has a rescue dog that he rescued in New Jersey about 5 years ago. He is part pit bull and part lab and had a lot of emotional issues. He suffers severe separation anxiety and whines very loudly all the time. If he is in another room, he paces and cries. He gets into trash, he pees in his crate, he fights the other dogs, he nips at you if you scare him. He is a complete fucking disaster and I am to my wits end with him. No shelter will take him due to his aggressive nature from anxiety and the only option we have is to have him put down or keep him until he dies. We constantly fight and I am so tired of cleaning pee blankets and garbage up. I am so tired of the dog fights. So I told Al the other night he is washing pee blankets daily and cleaning up after his dog. It is such a sore spot in our household and the cause of 98% of our stress. I can't make him put his dog down, but I also don't know how to keep living this way. I think if we ever divorced it would be over this dog. So to say the least, things are stressful right now on top of everything else. I also know that this is not the dogs fault and he was abused, but a person can only take so much.

U/S in four days.

Thursday, February 21, 2013

7W1D

Well I was talking to a very close friend of mine yesterday. She told me that in early pregnancy she had some complications with her son measuring small and having low heartbeat. Last night she messaged me with the u/s results of 6w3d and heartbeat in low 60's and 8w5d heartbeat around high 70's. She never mentioned it to me while pregnant and I know the doctors were always concerned that he was small and may have some issues, but didn't know why. She is very private and doesn't want to burden people. Well her little boy just celebrated his first birthday. Talk about inspirational story that I really needed to hear. I think we all know that heartbeats that low hardly ever go on to have a positive story. He beat the odds and my little circle will also beat the odds. 

5 more days until u/s.............................................

I am excited to report I peed three times last night in middle of the night! Until then I was so sad that all the other pregnant woman were peeing so much and I wasn't. LOL. It could be a freak occurrence, but I will keep my fingers crossed that I keep on peeing :)

I have also noticed that all I want to eat is red meat. I can't stand to even look at chicken right now. I have eaten a bacon cheeseburger twice this week.

Wednesday, February 20, 2013

Analyzing to death

I apologize in advance for this post and the rambling on, plus technical stuff. I am still thinking about ovulation and days after ovulation etc. Please stick with me if you can and PLEASE give me some feedback if you have anything......


Okay here we go.

In December we did iui. I had a trigger shot on December 7th and iui on December 9th. I counted my first day post ovulation and/or post iui as day 1 on the 10th. That would have been three full days after the trigger shot and one day after iui. Do you think that the trigger would be the same or similar to a positive opk? When I get a positive ovulation strip I count the day after as 1DPO. 

Skip forward to this cycle:

I got a positive ovulation strip on Monday 14th evening around 6:00pm. I know for a fact the day before it was negative. I also got a positive strip on Tuesday 15th. Since my first positive was on Monday the 14th, I counted Wednesday 16th as 1DPO. I am now thinking I might have rushed a little on this. I am thinking I should have waited two days after first positive. If this is indeed the case then my ovulation dates would be off and my hcg levels would have made more sense. Remember the month before I had a chemical pregnancy and it caused me to ovulate later then normal. 

So, if on a medicated cycle you wait (3) days after trigger to count as the first day post ovulation, wouldn't it be similar with a positive ovulation strip?

Here were my hcg levels & U/s Information:


Beta #1 12DPO 16.9, progesterone 23 
Beta #2 14DPO 44.7, progesterone 27
Beta #3 16DPO 112, didn't check progesterone
Beta #4 18DPO 221, progesterone 24
Beta #5 20DPO 433, progesterone 30
Beta #6 24DPO 1738, progesterone 29
2/12/13- First U/S, 5w6d and saw yolk sac
2/19/13 2nd U/S, 6w6d heartbeat was 95bpm and measured 6w1d
2/26/13 3rd U/S, 7w6d 

If I was indeed a day or two off then these numbers would make so much more sense. Or I am sitting here grasping at straws hoping this little one is still alive next week.  



Thanks for humoring the crazy lady :)
 

Tuesday, February 19, 2013

Pep Talk

I refuse to let the bad events of this week or day get to me anymore and I refuse to let the bad people get to me either.

I went home and put up the second pic of circle, plus gave baby a pep talk and a happy reminder for me to look at the next week.

COME ON CIRCLE, GROW!!!!

 

Going Private

Sorry ladies, I know that I just changed my blog address and was stupid enough to share it with people I thought were trust worthy and specifically asked they didn't share any of my information with my old facebook group. Well trusting people doesn't work obviously. My ultrasound was just shared on the group without my permission. Therefore I am going private. I truly apologize for anyone that won't have access, but I refuse to have my private moments stolen from me and shared without my permission!


U/S Results

I woke up this morning with so many emotions and nerves. I knew that one way or the other I would know something today, good or bad.

The doctor did find a heartbeat. Unfortunately it is only beating around 95bpm and the had to tell by counting second hand on watch and looking. The u/s machine wouldn't even pick it up. The embryo was measuring around 6w1d. Dr. H. said we could be off on dates. That it is very possible for my ovulation to not taken place for a day or two after the positive opk and if that was the case then he would be happy with what he saw this morning. That would put me around 6w4d and things look great. He also said if I was indeed 6w6d then the embryo is small and heartbeat is to slow. I think today was more bad news then good and there is a very good chance there won't be a heartbeat next week. I have been preparing myself for good or bad news so I am not totally shocked right now. Just trying to process. 

Here is the u/s pic from today:

Monday, February 18, 2013

Big Day

Tomorrow is the "big day". Not sure how I am feeling today. I know I didn't sleep much last night and I feel like my stomach has been doing flips all day long. I would have to agree that the 2ww doesn't have shit on the in between u/s waits. I was doing great up until last night. For the most part I am still doing pretty darn good considering.  Hoping tomorrow there is 

#1 a embryo
#2 a heartbeat
#3 PLEASE

I know that symptoms or lack of don't really mean anything. I was really sick until the end of this weekend. Now I feel fantastic. My husband told me yesterday that part of my boobies have grown, not all, but parts. LOL. I am very hungry and my boobs are still somewhat sore. Still have insomnia. Still feeling pulling and twitching in my uterus. Other then those few things, I wouldn't even know I am pregnant. I guess this can be a good sign or bad. Can't really make to much of it right now.

U/S tomorrow morning at 7:30. I will have tears of joy or tears of despair. Coin toss anyone?

Oh before I forget. Thank you universe, god, or whoever helped me make it this far. I will never lose these moments and that is priceless :) 

I am officially pregnant on February 19th, 2013 with a little circle who is 6W5D.

Secondary Infertility

This post has been a while in the making. All of you know that I suffer from secondary infertility. I don't talk about it a lot because I know that it is a sore spot with most woman suffering from primary infertility and I understand that. Is the pain less for us? I can't answer that question honestly because I have never felt the pain of suffering through infertility primarily. I do know that it hurts and most likely in a different way. When I had Cierra I was SO young. I know now these past three years, all the mistakes I made, all the things I took for granted haunt me daily. I know what it is like to have a child and not fully appreciate the situation. I also know what it feels like to know what I was missing all these years. I don't think anyone can say it is worst one way or the other to suffer through infertility. I honestly believe it hurts both ways, but in different ways. 

Now what if you are a mother to multiple children and are trying to have another one unsucessfully. Is that considered infertility also? One thing I have really learned through this whole process is, not to be as judgemental of others. This is not something that has been easy for me, infact quite the opposite. I was brought up in a disfunctional family that thought it was normal to talk about everyone else. Family members, strangers, it didn't matter. We were so judgemental and that has been the hardest bad habit for me to break.  I do know that I tend to be a little harsh on negative people and I have for a while. Some woman have told me it is because I have a child already. At first that comment really pissed me off. Now, honestly, it could be the truth. I do know that in my case, hating people for getting pregnant easily, or posting their pics on facebook, or sharing their normal excitement didn't help my situation at all. Why should I hate or dislike woman because they can have babies? Isn't that what we were all meant to do? Yes and it comes for some easier then others. Do I feel this way because I suffer from secondary infertility? I don't know. 

Finally. As a woman who has been suffering from secondary, it really fucking pisses me off that other woman in the same situation can be so mean and judgmental toward others with children. In case you haven't woke up and smelled the roses, we are those "others" to woman who have never had a child. I want to truly say, how dare some of you being so mean and cold hearted. We were blessed with a child and there are many woman that cannot say that. I always knew and know that if I cannot have another child, I was so beyond blessed with what I have in life right now. Of course I deserve to have another child and every woman in this world deserves the right to have that experience. Unfortunately this world is a cruel mean place. So rule of thumb, before you start bashing Kim Kardashen, or the 15 year old down the street for getting pregnant and being downright cruel about it, remember that you have already been blessed so much more then many woman on here and in the world. 

I know that this pregnancy can easily be gone tomorrow at my u/s. In fact it is a very good possibility. I choose to be thankful for the time I had with this baby regardless. I also choose to love my daughter that was given to me when least expected and not worked for.

Friday, February 15, 2013

Thankful

I didn't want it to happen this way, but I had no other choice. I told my boss this morning of pregnancy. I have been in the bathroom puking all morning. I was also out Tuesday due to being very sick and told him it was a virus. Today we walked in and looked at me. He said " are you okay?" I was totally like a deer in headlights. I went into his office and said I wasn't wanting to say anything because of all our losses and wanted to wait until later, but it was obviously effecting my job at this point. The beans were spilled and I told him we were pregnant and I was having severe morning sickness. Of course this isn't a new thing completely for me. When I was pregnant 16 years ago with Cierra I developed hyperemesis gravidarum and lost about 15lbs. Back then they didn't real do much except give me a prescription of phenagrin that didn't help. Finally around 6 months I was able to keep foods down and finally started gaining some weight back. My boss told me he knew how hard we have worked for this and would completely and totally understand and work with me in any way necessary until it passes. I hate that this is already effecting my job though. 

Btw orange juice is not very good coming back up.


Good Morning

I jokingly  say good morning. I was up all last night pooping and puking. Even the phenagrin gel the doctor gave me didn't touch the vomiting. This morning I rolled out of bed and puked up some more stomach acid. I am looking and feeling like death. Hoping this is a good sign. I know I should try to suck this up, well actually I do have to suck it up and keeping going forward. I've lost about 5 lbs in the last week and I can't hardly eat anything. Keep thinking there are good days ahead though and for that I will be SO thankful.

Hope everyone has a great weekend.

Thursday, February 14, 2013

Changed Over

Well I made the change this morning on my blog address. I hope everyone was able to find me okay. 

Actually feeling pretty good this morning. I haven't been stressing about next weeks ultrasound at all. I haven't peed on any sticks since last Friday and don't really want to. I haven't even called for another beta. I have finally accepted whatever will happen, will happen. So I am just taking it day by day. I've had some really bad vomitting for the past three days. It doesn't go away. The doctor gave me some zofran for the days while I am at work and some phenagrin gel for at home in evenings, so I can sleep a little. Guess today I am 6w1d. 

I talk to Al the other night and made a very thought out decision. After this we are officially finished with ttc. I am hoping this pregnancy ends in beautiful baby, but even if not, I have decided that my journey ends here. I say that with no sadness or regret either. I am fully at peace with whatever happens from this point on.  I got rid of all my extra fertility medications and are giving my clinic the extra needles I have from our ivfs. 

Finally, thank you ladies for being my biggest support for the past three years. No one will ever understand the support unless they have been there. Absolutely priceless.  

Since this is my last shot, I decided to do the pregnancy ticker.

Wednesday, February 13, 2013

Changing Blogs

Hey everyone. I am going to change my blog url and move so I can start fresh. I guess after leaving my facebook group, there are a few people that are still being dramatic and I need a new change.

If you want to follow me and I already know who you are and you have been a follower, please email me your address and I will send you the new url link when I get it set up.

Thanks for the patience while "Who is this Fertile Myrtle" goes under construction.


If you have problems emailing me, leave a comment here and I will contact you.

Tuesday, February 12, 2013

Leaving my Facebook Group

I know that many of you have followed me over from here to the facebook group I set up. Today I made the decision to leave that group. It did sadden me because I loved the group at first, then it grew and more people came. All of my original members knew I had set this group up because I wanted a positive place to share support and was tired of negative groups. I know that many people might not understand or agree with me and that is okay. I am definitely unique person and should have known I wasn't "neutral" enough to administrate a group of so many different woman with different issues and different feelings. It is hard for me as a person suffering through secondary infertility to be judgmental of woman who have children. I always knew that I was blessed beyond belief to have Cierra and if I never had another child, I would be very upset, but I couldn't feel sorry for myself forever. Many of you have never had any children and I wish that all of you could get pregnant. I also feel that constantly dwelling on what is out of your control is very unhealthy. Do I get upset seeing teen moms? Of course I do, but I don't know there situation and I don't think I am a better person for passing judgement. This is one of the main reasons for leaving the group. If this pregnancy doesn't work out, I will go on blogging as I always have, but I will not join anymore infertility groups. I can not do that to myself any longer. 

 I am truly sorry that it had to end this way. I had so many great members who amazing and always kept going forward not matter what was thrown in their paths. I will still keep up with all of you wonderful ladies through blogging.


I could go on and on, but it doesn't really matter at this point. I am choosing to be selfish and think of me right now and my little "circle" for as long as he or she wants to stay with me. I am so blessed to have so many wonderful friends and people in my life. I am so blessed to be healthy and have a job, a house, and be able to have food in my stomach. I think that sometimes we all can forget the important things in our lives.

Ultrasound


I went in for my ultrasound this morning. Dr. H looked at my LMP and then the day I ovulated which was positive on January 15th. He said I was not as far as long as we thought. Today I am only 5w6d so he said not to expect a heartbeat on the ultrasound today.






He did find the yolk sac and it measured around 5w4d/5w5d. He told me that everything looked exactly like it was suppose to. I go back next Tuesday for another u/s. I am refusing to google anything and drive myself crazy for another week. Maybe some of you that know or have went through this can help me. Should we have seen a fetal pole today? My biggest fear was an empty sac. With having a yolk sac, are the chances of not having a embryo still pretty good? I know if I go online and start reading stories it will absolutely drive me nuts. Any information you could give me would be so helpful.

I am just going day by day and trying to give up the control that I feel I need. I know this situation is completely out of my control. I have to except this and be happy for what a blessing I have today. Gosh it is so hard to have a guarded heart. I know not everyone will agree with me, but I told AL this morning.... going through treatments was so much easier then this. 

So I leave you with a picture of my "circle".

Monday, February 11, 2013

Tomorrow is the big day. There aren't words to really explain how I am feeling. I am suffering from insomnia horribly. I did manage to fall asleep for a hour or so last night and then had nightmares that we had a empty sac  on our ultrasound. That did not help with the fact I already have such low hcg levels. I do realize how bad I sound right now, but I am in a serious funk. Not sleeping for weeks now has really pushed me over the edge. I am so angry that I don't even want to be around anyone. Of course I haven't been pregnant for over 16 years, it is hard to remember how I felt the last time. I do know that I looked at a pee stick one day and said oh I am pregnant. Never thought anything of it after that. What I would do have have back those blissful ignorant days, instead of over-analyzing everything and worrying about everything. I am so scared about tomorrow, if there is an empty sac or no heartbeat I have to start over from scratch, again. That is what kills me the most. At least with all my other cycles with the exception of ectopic, I was back in the saddle after a cycle. Sorry I know really know this sounds like the whinning negative post I always complain about and I hate myself for being this way right now. Just can't shake things...

Ultrasound tomorrow at 7:30. I will update with whatever the news is.

Friday, February 8, 2013

Beta #6 Results

HCG 1738!
doubling time of 47.18 hours 


  

Beta #6

I haven't mentioned this, but I have been spotting for three days now. It went from pink to red last night along with cramps. Today I tested and my tests are lighter. Don't know what is going to happen today. Guess we will find out later this afternoon. I already know that spotting and cramping are common symptoms of early pregnancy. I also know that spotting and cramping have led me to early loss more then a few times. Sorry just in a very shitty mood today. 

Thursday, February 7, 2013

23DPO

I am hang in and for the most part doing pretty well. Of course I am still testing everyday with three different test. They are all getting darker and it makes me feel better, even if it is a false sense of security. I will take it. Go in tomorrow for blood work and hoping my levels are near 1720 (that would be doubling). 


On other news, we are going to get a new vehicle this weekend in Texas. Well not brand new, but a 2010 Lincoln MKX and I am so excited. I've had my crv paid off for almost a year now and we decided it was time to trade in and get something else. 


That's all I have for today. Just trying to take it day by day and lots of hope. 

Wednesday, February 6, 2013

Facebook Headache

I started a facebook infertility page a while back. My main purpose as you know was

#1 Have a place for support without lots of negativity
#2 Drama free zone
#3 A place to have information on many topics and aspects of infertility.


Lately this page is turning into a huge pain in my ass. It makes me sad because most of my group are amazing woman/men. Yes that is the latest problem. I decided to let men join our group and it ruffled feathers big time. This makes me so upset. How many of you have husbands that are truly suffering also? I know mine does. Of course he doesn't really express his feeling much and probably would never want to be a part of my group, and that is okay. I just absolutely refused to turn anyone down that needs support and help. I don't care what gender you are. So anyway I started getting private messages saying what I was doing was wrong and blah blah blah. This is the whole reason I seriously don't have many woman friends. They are for the most part catty bitches. Of course I do have a few wonderful woman friends :) but just a few. 

I told my talked to my husband last night and told him I was thinking of shutting the page down because of the stress lately. He reminded me of all the wonderful members I do have that still need support and aren't drama queens. He is right, I don't want to let them down. I took the first step by kicking the first one out of the group today. I guess if it comes down to it, I will have to kick more out. Hopefully that won't be the case and this group can heal and keep moving forward.




 

Tuesday, February 5, 2013

21DPO

Today I am officially  21DPO. I have decided not to put anything pregnancy related on my blog at this time. I am to nervous and in limbo to think about a ticker or a the cute little weekly pregnancy updates. Not sure if I will ever be to that point. Heck you might read my blog and it say 100DPO, lol. My sticks this morning look great. It has been my odd goal to get my sticks so dark they pull from the control line. Yeah like I said, my "odd" goal. I do know one thing for sure. I want to use my blog to document and remember anything from this pregnancy, rather it last 5 weeks or 40 weeks. I sit here this morning and I feel so blessed there aren't even words to describe. Yes, also scared and a little apprehensive, but mainly blessed. 

I spoke with my sister on the phone last night and as we were talking, she mentioned that she looked at some of the bloggers  who follow me. Her heart was breaking that we all have gone through so much to have a baby. She was so upset. See my sister may not be infertile, but she does understand the fear of day to day pregnancy. When she was pregnant with my youngest nieces she had her placenta start ripping away. She had heavy bleeding everyday of her pregnancy along with blood clots and was put on bed rest. We were all very scared that she was going to miscarry and it was a very traumatic situation for her. My niece was born early and had some health issues, also spent time in the NICU. So my sister does somewhat get the fear I have of losing this pregnancy. I am very lucky to have her in my life and be such a huge support. As of right now the only person in my family that knows about this is my sister, and no one in Al's family knows. Friends don't know. We want to keep it that way for a while. I definitely won't be on facebook picking out cribs or clothes at 5 weeks. Which let me add, it is okay for the people that do. I would never pass judgement against others for the way they choose to celebrate their miracles. I do want to sit here today and soak up the moment I have been blessed with, no matter how short or how long. We made it! We have passed all our over losses and been to a place that is new and exciting. I think the most important thing to remind myself of daily is, this moment can never be taken from me. I am in love with the possibility of being a mother for the second time in my life. I am in love with the possibility that Al could be a father for the first time in his life. I am in love that Cierra could have a brother or a sister. I am in love with the idea that so many people cared for us, prayed for us, talked with us, supported us. If I lose this pregnancy, I will never lose any of the amazing things that came along with it and will cherish from this day forward.

So please little pea, stick with me. Your dad and I already love  you so much and have so many things to teach you, and to love you for the rest of our lives.


Monday, February 4, 2013

Beta #5 Part Two

I decided to email my clinic and see if I could go in Thursday for one more beta before my ultrasound Tuesday. I called my husband at work to tell him we are having an u/s next week and he was so calm. I think he may be in shock... I know I am.

Here are the exchange of emails. ( My absolute favorite nurse rocks. She made me feel so much better about my numbers and progression)



Hi Michelle:

I got my 5th beta back today and my levels were 433. I didn’t talk to Cynthia about this because she is not very familiar with my situation. The last two betas haven’t completely doubled. Dr. Hansen has scheduled me for an u/s next Tuesday. Can I please ask that you guys let me come in Thursday for one more level? I am a little scared that my numbers are on the low side and the doubling times are slowing down. Anything you can do for me would be so appreciated. I hope you understand that I am just a ball of nerves!

Thank You,

Tonisha Rapp


HER RESPONSE:


Of course you can come in Thursday for a blood test.  First, I know you are a ball of nerves, but we discussed your numbers in clinic, they are not concerned.  I know your struggles have been tough, so let me be the optimistic one J  double numbers are a bonus, we really need only see a 60 % rise most of the time! Either way, I will put you down for Thursday morning!!!

Michelle R. Rodriguez RN, BSN


 

 

Beta #5 Results

Beta #5 HCG 433 and progesterone was 30.

My first u/s is scheduled for next Tuesday at 7:30

My numbers didn't exactly double again but Dr. H seems happy.

Waiting and Wondering

Today is 20DPO or 4w6d and I am in new territory. I am sitting at work with lots of anxiety about my 5th beta. Sitting here wondering what number would be acceptable. Wondering if I will be smiling at the end of this day or crying due to another loss. Lots is going through my mind right now. I can't lie, I do have symptoms. I also have a deep feeling that that this won't be good at the end of the day. Then I have another part of me that says it will be okay and my levels are rising. Then the anxiety kicks in high and I wonder if my levels are okay today, what will they be in two more days? If I ever needed a valium, today is the day for it! Or maybe I just need to get myself together and be reasonable. I am afraid to talk about symptoms or show the test that I continued to take after I said I wouldn't. But that is what I love about my blog. I can come on here and ramble, or whine, or obsess, or act crazy, or make no sense at all. It is my outlet to do all of these things.

Symptom check as of today:

Sore boobs
backache
insomnia
constipation
weird sensations in my uterus
headache
starting to pee more frequently, but not much more

Here are my test for today: I am mainly documenting this so if it comes down to it and this pregnancy is another chemical, I can compare if we get pregnant again. 

I don' really see a change in any of them for the past three days. I also know that FRER will stay the same for a while before it starts pulling from control line.



 Can I please just have a 442 today on my beta. Even though it is way lower then average for 20DPO, it is doubling.


Also thanks to everyone who still visits my page within the last two weeks of pure craziness. I really love it and appreciate your support.

Sunday, February 3, 2013

Sunday Blues

I woke up this morning not feeling to confident about this pregnancy progressing. I think the numbers yesterday started my negative mood and looking at the pee sticks not getting darker, plus all of the symptoms gone just made me feel even worse. As we all know, you know your body better then anyone else. I have a feeling that again my body is failing me. As I sit here, I am not emotional about it like I thought I would be. I sit here very numb and disconnected as I have been in the past. Do I know for sure this is another failed pregnancy? No I don't, but I have a strong feeling in the pit of my stomach that tomorrows news is not going to be the news I want to hear. Last night I kept dreaming about stupid betas and my levels were so low compared to other peoples. In my dream it was over and I knew it. To make things worse I have added to the crazy and started googling numbers. I couldn't find one successful pregnancy that had hcg level of 221 at 18DPO. 

I also know how strong I am. I talked to Al about it and we are prepared to move forward regardless what happens. Have you ever felt like you have come to far to give up? Even if all the odds are against you and you just keep getting kicked down? It has to work out eventually right? Isn't that the moral of story always? Keep fighting and you will win. Good over evil. Persistence pays off. I guess only time will tell. All I know is for today, this sucks! 

Infertility. You are the biggest bitch I have ever met and believe me, I have met a lot of bitches! 



Yes I am now resorting to three different test. I admit I have a problem and need professional help with the stic