Friday, May 31, 2013

Fridays Special "Toni" Addition

I hope you enjoy my special Friday addition. Sit back, grab a cup of coffee and a muffin. Enjoy!

 Yes I am getting ready to blog about the "catty" mean spirited woman that seem to be a epidemic in the infertility community! 

Here is a huge question. Why can't all of us just be our real self? No faking, no pretending to be kind, caring and compassionate, but yet when someone turns their back you are scratching their eyeballs out. I mean honestly, isn't this suppose to end in middle school and possibly even  high school?

Now don't get me wrong, I know this is everywhere we look in today's society. I would like to think that groups of woman who are all suffering from the same damn thing could really show some support for each other. Instead I see it all to often where when you are in the trenches of infertility along with 20 others, we sit back and see who is going to get pregnant. Who is going to lose their baby, who will go on to stay pregnant. Will they leave the community who has shown support after their pregnancy? Is that okay for someone to do that? In my opinion YES. After getting pregnant you haven't forgotten what hell it was while trying, but now as much as you might not want to accept you are in a different place. These woman are trying to adjust to pregnancy and symptoms and if the baby or babies are growing okay. Trying to fit in somewhere because most of the infertiles are catty bitches wanting to talk shit about you and the fertiles have no idea what you had to go through to get where you are.

I mean really?????, really?

If this post pisses you off in anyway then I am not apologizing for that.I am so tired of sugar coating things for mean people. 

You may ask where this post came from? It came from the fact of infertility groups that claim to be good kind hearted woman totally bashing others because of their pregnancies. These woman try to prove how good they are and work very hard to cover up their black hearts. I am here to say that people like you are just plain disappointing and pathetic. I would hope when your time comes to get pregnant that you would expect people to be happy and supportive. 

We all seem to forgot sometimes, this is not a contest of who gets to the finish line. This is life and it deals with real people that have feelings and struggle to have a family. How about a little freaking compassion instead of your nasty drama!

So today I give all you fake catty woman a HUGE thumbs now.....

  Oh before I forget, this is my message to all of you strong woman who have overcome infertility. I am so proud of you! I know what every single one of you went through to get to this point. You are strong and inspirational to me and always will be!

Funny Infertility Friday

Today at Noon is my last day of work until June 10th! I am going to enjoy the ocean, my husband, my daughter and my wonderful little niece for a nice week in Galveston. I have my aunt down from California that will be staying with us this weekend. Al is going to show his skills at cooking and hopefully I can get out to finish shopping for our clothes on trip.

FUN DAYS ahead for me!

TTC: 4DPO started progesterone this morning.

Wednesday, May 29, 2013


I haven't said this in a long time or at least since January. Today I am officially 2DPO! My progesterone levels came back at 11.10 two days after ovulation and my lining is 12.5. I might only have a 3% chance this month but I have never been so freaking excited to be back in the game fully!!

Good morning ladies! Well lets start of with the good news for today. I have my post-op appointment at 10:00 this morning. He is only suppose to check my incisions, but I am going to ask for a progesterone test and also a ultrasound to see if I did in fact ovulate. Looking at my chart this morning indicates that I did. My temp went from 97.8 to 98.1. Over all I am happy that I decided to go with my surgery. Once you overcome your fear nothing can stand in your way. Now am I so naive to believe I will get pregnant first cycle out with no drugs and no treatment, no I am not, BUT I can be hopeful for that 3% chance better odds than 0%.

I will update later on how things went this morning.

Now on to the bad and sad news. Yesterday I received a text from Cierra's grandmother (her dad's mother) she dropped a bombshell on me and said she has been diagnosed with colon cancer. I asked if they knew how bad it was or has it spread and she didn't know yet. She is scheduled for a MRI next week and we will know more information. I thought long and hard yesterday how to deal with this news and telling Cierra. Although my mother is alive, well and lives 2 hours away, we don't have any kind of relationship with her. Her dad's mom is her only grandmother and they are pretty close. Well I went home yesterday and was working in the office when I hear Cierra say " Mom what is colon cancer?" My hurt sunk! I said "Who did you hear that from?" She then asked again what it was and said her dad just texted her a short message simply stating " Your nana has colon cancer" So as I was preparing to sit her down and explain everything, she texted her dad back asking if her nana would be okay, and he lost it. His text came back saying that Cierra didn't care how he was after tornado whether he was alive or dead and never wants to come visit, but will ask about her grandmother and go visit her. After that he then said their relationship was over and she needed to have a good life. Yeah way to go dad! Way to drop a fucking bomb on your 15 year old daughter. I am sure when I tell you she was devastated you can pretty well picture that already. I first started with the conversation with her nana. I told her that yes I did find out today and it is was to early to talk to her about it until we figure out what is going on. There are so many things that can happen. I did explain that her nana could die from this, but she can also have surgery and get all the cancer. We just really don't know right now.Then we tackled her father. She said she hated him. Even though I hate the man, I never wanted to hear those words from Cierra. She said she is tired of him being drunk and never spending time with her. I tried to explain that maybe the news of his mother had pushed him over the edge and he was saying things he didn't mean and for her not to text him anymore while he is drinking. I also explained that she can't hate him because he gave me her! I told her she is such a blessing in my life and has saved me in so many ways. So after the talk we decided she needs to step back from her dad again until she feels confident trying to talk to him.

This situation with her father has been like this for 16 years. I didn't want to marry him ever. Our families pressure us into it and said we were sinning by having a baby and not being married. He loved the strip clubs, beer and pot. When I got pregnant with Cierra I stopped all my bad habits and tried my hardest to be the best mother. Ultimately I left Tim because he couldn't stop the drugs, or grow up to take care of a daughter. It has been this way now for the past 16 years. He quit paying child support 4 years ago and helps with nothing. No medical insurance, school lunches, clothes, glasses, dental visits, nothing. I feel very confident that one day in his life he will assume the responsibility he has thrown away for so many years and realize exactly what he lost, his daughter. Then it will be up to him to live with that guilt.

So last night was a pretty rough night in the Rapp household. Al walked in while Cierra was crying and asked what happened. I took him in the bedroom and explained everything. He was so beyond livid at the situation and seeing Cierra hurt like that. Of course it is so hard for him to fit in with her because he is the step dad and all she wants in the world is her dad and love from her dad. I feel so blessed that we have Al in our lives and I think deep down Cierra does too. She knows he will always be there for her in the future

Good news! Our Galveston vacation starts next week! We are having a cookout for Cierra's friend Salina who is German foreign exchange student. She is leaving to go back home next week. I am sure going to miss that kid. She is like my adoptive daughter.

Tuesday, May 28, 2013

Quilt Tab

I have updated my Quilt tab above with my newest finished product. I made this one for a special lady on my facebook infertility group. Anna Stone May and her beautiful little girl who will be born in coming weeks. I hope you enjoy!

I am very excited for my next project. This is for a very dear friend who I met through blogging and holds a special place in my heart. Cristy from My Silver Lining is expecting twins!

To Ovulate or not to Ovulate

That is the question. As you know I did a blog post last Friday on how I ovulated. My sticks were pretty dark for two days. I only started temping last Thursday because I wasn't sure that I would ovulate this month and especially after surgery. Well cd23 hit and I was positive it was positive :) We did our deed on Thursday, Friday and thought it was covered. I still like to test after a positive strip just to make sure. Saturday had some color but not to dark, Sunday has some color but even lighter. Monday my stick was very dark again. I was like wth? We went ahead and BD again last night. This morning I tested and my line was super light. My temps have been super low making me think there was in deed no ovulation. I will attach chart so you can see. THis morning it jumped .03 degrees though.

 Bottom was from yesterday (Monday and above it goes):
Sunday (lighter)
Saturday( lighter)
Friday  (dark line)
Thursday (dark line)

I know that some of you will tell me that the second line needs to be as dark as or darker than the test line. That is not how they work with my body. My doctor also agreed that for me if they are close then I am ovulating.

Here is my chart:

Okay on to  a great picture of me. I was out in flower beds yesterday transplanting my iris's and doing some weeding. As it happens every year, I came across something that doesn't like me and here was my beautiful face today:

Super cute huh! I went to access clinic this morning and received my annual cortisone shot plus predisone and cream. 

I also received a phone call a few minutes ago with some bad news. I will post about it later.

Sunday, May 26, 2013

Little Sahara

Well Al and I had a plan this weekend to do home improvements and work in our flower beds. Plans changed. I received a call from my sister yesterday and they were at one of our State Parks called Little Sahara. It is about 20,000 acres that is all sand dunes from the Cimarron river that made the formations. Pretty cool place if you own dune buggies and/or four wheelers. Well they were out there with some friends and said we should come out for the day. So glad we did. I had a blast! There is nothing like flying over dunes that are 100 feet tall! What a serious rush. Here are some pictures of our day yesterday. I hid camera under my shirt because of all the blowing sand, but was able to get a few pictures. Unfortnantely pictures don't do this justice. You can't really scale out just how tall these dunes are and how big it is.

 We broke the dune buggy after flying over a hill and for the rest of the day we rode the smaller atv's. Just as much fun!

My niece and her super cool helmet!

Today is back to work day for us. Al is installing our new dishwasher. I have lots of laundry to do. Hoping to get some flowers transplanted today and possibly (fingers crossed) get some much needed quilting done! 

I hope all of you have a fantastic Memorial Weekend!

Friday, May 24, 2013

Funny Infertility Friday!

TGIF Everyone!

Something very interesting happened last night. It was cd23 and I finally got a positive on my ovulation strips. Talk about a weird cycle. They had me on bcp for (5) days early in my cycle so I wouldn't ovulate before my surgery. After surgery I started to test to see if I would ovulate this cycle. After I hit cd20 it wasn't looking very promising and then last night and this morning I see this.

 I am pretty darn stoked! I have a call into my clinic to see if this is possible and it is not a fluke of some kind. My temps have been in mid 97's since surgery so I will see if I get a temp spike in a few days. As for now I am saying that ovulation is about 24 hours away and I am prepared. Sorry Dr. H, not having sex for 4 weeks is out of question when this lady is ovulating!

Thursday, May 23, 2013

Great News

I heard some amazing news yesterday. A wonderful woman I know that runs the Attain Fertility page on facebook just found out she is pregnant. After failed ivf attempts, failed iui attempts for years and her being in 40's, she found out that she is 8.5 weeks pregnant naturally! Now I don't know about others in the community, but this gives me hope. I can't get enough of stories like this in my life and journey. As much as we sit back and hate the whole "cliche" or stigma attached to infertility, sometimes these things to do happen. It seems to be in great numbers also. I now know of several woman who have failed expensive treatments only to turn around and get pregnant naturally or with something as small as TI with a fertility drug. Seeing all of this first hand is making me think as much as we hate those stupid sayings like "relax", maybe relaxing is helpful? I am not saying that if you relax then you will get pregnant, but I am saying I don't think it can hurt. Infertility is STRESSFUL and we all know how stress affects our bodies. 

Either way I choose to believe that even without treatments I have a decent chance of getting pregnant. In my eyes a 3% chance is better then no chance at all :) 

Thank you to all the woman out there who have kept fighting and show such stronger character and persistence. It makes me want to fight even harder to get my dream. You ladies are my true inspirations!  I know for some it is hard to see pregnant woman and it hurts, I totally get that. I guess for me it shows there really is hope and I can do this and so can others.

Please don't get me wrong, I don't expect everyone to be shitting rainbows when it comes to having positivity because that isn't the standard response. Just know that as many failed cycles as all of us have gone through is one step closer to a baby. That thought keeps me going and fighting everyday.

Keep the success stories coming ladies, that is the fuel that keeps me going! Congrats to every single one of you that have your sweet babies either in your belly or in your arms. I can't think of any group that deserves it more :)

Wednesday, May 22, 2013

Toni Rant for the day.

I read a blog this morning and still sitting here shaking my head on how delusional people truly are. One piece of advice, do a good deed and expect nothing back in return. DO it because it is the right thing to do. Instead of doing it so you can bring it up and try to get pity. So pathetic!!!! 

Okay that is my little crazy Toni Rant for today :) All better.

My amazing friend Courtney had her little baby Ellie last night and boy is she a beautiful little girl! Congrats to Courtney & Brandon on their new little miracle baby. I hope that every time you look at this sweet little girl, you know how hard you worked to get her here and she will always love you unconditionally. Also know you two will make the most perfect parents. I really do love you two so much and feel so blessed that our paths crossed over a year ago.

There has also been two friends that recently had ivf and it was unsuccessful. My heart breaks for those girls. I don't want to mention names so they can share their own news with people through the blogging community.

All of these stories of loss and gain have made me sit down and think about things. I mean of course I always think about things, but really examine my life and how it has been affected by infertility. Most of you might not agree with me on this, but infertility has made me a better person. Not by a little, but it has opened up my heart to know I am not the only one suffering. There are so many other ladies going through this also. I personally choose to surround myself with woman whom try to find the good in all this bad because I can't allow myself to sink in the trenches and have a pity party all the time, or get mad at others who have made it through this battle. I guess my point is, I am grateful for the test I have been put through. I know that baby or no baby I will have learned a life long lesson from this and know I am stronger then I ever expected to be. What a gift for me. Sometimes things aren't exactly what they appear to be and you need to take the time to step back and really look harder. 

TOday I may not be able to get pregnant, but unlike all my fellow Oklahomans who just went through the most tragic tornado, I have my family alive and my house and my health. Honestly what else could a person ask for when so many don't even have that.

I hope this message gets across to the people it should and a lesson is learned. Quit being so damn selfish and take time to think of others. The world doesn't revolve around one person, but all of humanity.

Monday, May 20, 2013

Until Today

I loved tornado season UNTIL today.

 Today an F5 tornado hit a suburb of Oklahoma City. It was devastating. As of 8:17 tonight, 51 are confirmed dead and there are going to be many more. Two elementary schools were hit today. Seven children were found drowned in the basement and the rescue has been turned into a recovery with possibly up to 30 more dead.

I sit here and feel such guilt that this morning I was saying how much I love tornado's and this season. I sit here tonight with such a heavy and hurt heart knowing there are families that will be burying loved ones. Families who lost their homes. Families that are walking around tonight with no where to go.

Today is a sad day in Oklahoma.

I sit here blessed because my family is safe.

Tornado Season is here

After a late start in the season, tornado's are officially here in Oklahoma. All weekend we had bad weather and big tornado's yesterday. One came within miles of my sisters house and dropped debris all over their yard. Thank god they  have a storm cellar. Today is suppose to be another day of perfect storm conditions. I won't lie, I love this time of the year! It can be scary if you are in path of tornado, but these storms are so amazing. Here is a few pics I got yesterday of the storm that dropped a huge tornado.

 The picture of the Blue Jay has been many weeks in the making. This little guy hangs out at the house and every time I go to take a pic he fly's away!


Sunday, May 19, 2013

Birthday Party & Sunsets

What a perfect beautiful day yesterday was. My niece Bailey had her 10th birthday. She is growing up into such a beautiful young lady. I knew she would and wouldn't expect anything less, but I just love being her aunt!

Here is some pictures of her party:

 Little sis enjoying some swimming

 Birthday girl!

I also received some fabric in a day or so ago. Enough to make three more quilts. One set of twins and a singleton! Previews will be on my quilt tab later.

Saturday, May 18, 2013


The new do!


I am not wearing any makeup in these pics. I will take better ones this weekend. I love my new hair do though!

Friday, May 17, 2013


Coming through this miscarriage and my surgery has made me want to change. Not sure if I shared it on here, but this lady is GRAY! If I didn't have my hair colored I would be about 90% covered at the age of 38. Here is a pic of me from a few days ago. You can see what I am talking about:
 My grow out is usually not this bad, but I had surgery on the week I usually get my hair done and that put me back two weeks.

I talked to my husband last night and told him I want a huge change for what I feel is like a new chapter in my life. My husband is so supportive, gosh I love that man.

Today after work I will be getting a pixie cut along with blonde hair with darker highlights. Major change.

I will post pictures of before and after.

Today is the first day of the "new" and "improved" Toni.

Funny Infertility Friday

Is back..................................

Hope everyone has a great weekend. Today is a big day for a very dear friend of mine. She is having her 9 week u/s to see how her identical twins are doing. I am very optomistic and hopeful for her! Good luck Steph!

Wednesday, May 15, 2013

So Proud

I don't talk much about my daughter on this blog. I guess sometimes I am afraid of having a infertility blog and also having a daughter. I know that my loyal readers and friends don't care and totally support me regardless. Still feel guilty about it though.

I am putting all that aside today and bragging on my daughter! I am such a proud mother today and she deserves all the recognition for her accomplishment.

Our city along with school had a contest. It was called the Patriotic garbage can contest. Kids from high school painted garbage cans that would be placed all over our city in an effort to keep city clean. Well out of the the whole school and ALL the cans, guess who won?? Yes! My awesome amazing daughter Cierra. Here are some pics of her work..........

Congratulations Cierra. Everyday you amaze me with what a woman you are turning into. As a parent, I couldn't be more blessed.

Monday, May 13, 2013

Pictures & Updates

Gosh I feel like I have totally been out of touch with everyone in my blog and infertility page. I can say with 100% confidence that I am starting to feel like my old self again.  As much as I didn't want it to happen because I try to stay strong and be supportive to so many, this miscarriage totally devastated me. Much worse than I let on to anyone, even my husband. I had a huge hole in my heart and the depression was almost more than I  could bare. As you know the doctor prescribed prozac and xanax. Honestly think that it made my depression even worst. I kept thinking that once a new cycle started I could start moving forward and feeling better. As you know, that took forever. Having this surgery completely renewed my spirit and faith on moving forward in my life. I look down at my incisions and it will always remind me of a new beginning after I hit rock bottom. 

Guess what! Today I went back and started working on my quilt project again. This was something I have been so passionate about and totally lost all passion within the past few months. I knew that I had quilts promised to people and WOULD finish them, but my heart wasn't there. Today it came back. As I sewed, I smiled, I felt good, I was singing along with the radio and so proud of my work. The passion is back and this is something I am the most grateful for. I am even more grateful for this over my body moving on after miscarriage. I want to help as many people as I can in my life. This is my way of reaching out and this is my way to show woman who have suffered through infertility that there is always hope! What a truly amazing feeling. There aren't even words to describe how absolutely grateful I will be to have my groove back.

I went out yesterday against "husband orders" of relaxing and planted flowers in my flower beds. I also mowed half of the yard. I did get in trouble for that. Of course my husband knows I do what I want when I want. He was working on replacing a hot water heater all day along with faucets in the house and that was a huge job for him. I wanted to help out, but mainly I love how good our huge yard looks when it is freshly mowed!

Cierra had her first 6 hour driving class on Saturday. She came home and told me they watched the film " Red Asphalt" not sure if any of you ever had the viewing pleasure of watching that video, but it is filled with blood and guts of real wrecks. Poor kid! I am glad she knows what can happen when you are driving though and can learn to be a responsible driver. 

So here are some random pictures of weekend etc....... Hope you enjoy. 

I also plan on getting caught up with blogs. So sorry I haven't commented much lately. It is hard to compose thoughts on pain medications.
Cierra helped me pick out flowers yesterday and then wanted to take Mom & Daughter picture for Mothers Day. I really love this girl!

My newest quilt for Tara and little girl!

My flower beds.

And Finally......................................

Max being such a ham. He is soaking up the sun today :)