Wednesday, May 29, 2013

Good morning ladies! Well lets start of with the good news for today. I have my post-op appointment at 10:00 this morning. He is only suppose to check my incisions, but I am going to ask for a progesterone test and also a ultrasound to see if I did in fact ovulate. Looking at my chart this morning indicates that I did. My temp went from 97.8 to 98.1. Over all I am happy that I decided to go with my surgery. Once you overcome your fear nothing can stand in your way. Now am I so naive to believe I will get pregnant first cycle out with no drugs and no treatment, no I am not, BUT I can be hopeful for that 3% chance better odds than 0%.

I will update later on how things went this morning.

Now on to the bad and sad news. Yesterday I received a text from Cierra's grandmother (her dad's mother) she dropped a bombshell on me and said she has been diagnosed with colon cancer. I asked if they knew how bad it was or has it spread and she didn't know yet. She is scheduled for a MRI next week and we will know more information. I thought long and hard yesterday how to deal with this news and telling Cierra. Although my mother is alive, well and lives 2 hours away, we don't have any kind of relationship with her. Her dad's mom is her only grandmother and they are pretty close. Well I went home yesterday and was working in the office when I hear Cierra say " Mom what is colon cancer?" My hurt sunk! I said "Who did you hear that from?" She then asked again what it was and said her dad just texted her a short message simply stating " Your nana has colon cancer" So as I was preparing to sit her down and explain everything, she texted her dad back asking if her nana would be okay, and he lost it. His text came back saying that Cierra didn't care how he was after tornado whether he was alive or dead and never wants to come visit, but will ask about her grandmother and go visit her. After that he then said their relationship was over and she needed to have a good life. Yeah way to go dad! Way to drop a fucking bomb on your 15 year old daughter. I am sure when I tell you she was devastated you can pretty well picture that already. I first started with the conversation with her nana. I told her that yes I did find out today and it is was to early to talk to her about it until we figure out what is going on. There are so many things that can happen. I did explain that her nana could die from this, but she can also have surgery and get all the cancer. We just really don't know right now.Then we tackled her father. She said she hated him. Even though I hate the man, I never wanted to hear those words from Cierra. She said she is tired of him being drunk and never spending time with her. I tried to explain that maybe the news of his mother had pushed him over the edge and he was saying things he didn't mean and for her not to text him anymore while he is drinking. I also explained that she can't hate him because he gave me her! I told her she is such a blessing in my life and has saved me in so many ways. So after the talk we decided she needs to step back from her dad again until she feels confident trying to talk to him.

This situation with her father has been like this for 16 years. I didn't want to marry him ever. Our families pressure us into it and said we were sinning by having a baby and not being married. He loved the strip clubs, beer and pot. When I got pregnant with Cierra I stopped all my bad habits and tried my hardest to be the best mother. Ultimately I left Tim because he couldn't stop the drugs, or grow up to take care of a daughter. It has been this way now for the past 16 years. He quit paying child support 4 years ago and helps with nothing. No medical insurance, school lunches, clothes, glasses, dental visits, nothing. I feel very confident that one day in his life he will assume the responsibility he has thrown away for so many years and realize exactly what he lost, his daughter. Then it will be up to him to live with that guilt.

So last night was a pretty rough night in the Rapp household. Al walked in while Cierra was crying and asked what happened. I took him in the bedroom and explained everything. He was so beyond livid at the situation and seeing Cierra hurt like that. Of course it is so hard for him to fit in with her because he is the step dad and all she wants in the world is her dad and love from her dad. I feel so blessed that we have Al in our lives and I think deep down Cierra does too. She knows he will always be there for her in the future

Good news! Our Galveston vacation starts next week! We are having a cookout for Cierra's friend Salina who is German foreign exchange student. She is leaving to go back home next week. I am sure going to miss that kid. She is like my adoptive daughter.

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