Wednesday, April 30, 2014

First OB Appointment 11 Weeks

Not sure what I thought of my first visit. I had a PAP done and lots of blood work. He also did an abdominal u/s with the dinosaur machine to check on babies. They looked like babies and were moving around. He said they had nice strong heart beats, but I am not sure how he could tell since the machine didn't have measurements or a heart beat sound on there. So no measurements or heart beat. I was a little bummed. We went over all my risk factors and since I am 11 weeks he asked what genetic testing we wanted to do . I told him absolutely no on the Amnio. I thought the NT scan and the mateniti21 was the testing I would be willing to do . They are going to try to schedule me in for NT scan but aren't sure they can get me in before 13 weeks. So if not, I will have to settle for the blood work version of NT with no u/s. I hope they can get me in. He is also sending me to the Cardiologist for precaution because of the shortness of breath and constant heart palpitations I am having. He doesn't think anything is wrong and just wants to cover all the basis. They are also setting me up with the MFM, but not until 18 weeks. At that point I will have a u/s through them to check babies out and also give me genders.

So any of you that know me won't be surprised when you read the following. I was not happy with my u/s today. I am calculated and need to know certain things such as measurements of babies and the hb. About 30 minutes after I left my appointment I called my RE office. I started off by asking how they liked the pie I sent then asked if I could come in for an u/s next week. She told me that they aren't legally allowed to see you after a certain point , but would check. I have an appointment for u/s on Monday at 3:30 two days before cut off at 12 weeks. Man I really love this office.

Here is u/s from today;  Next appointment is Monday with my RE for one last u/s and then May 21st with OB.

Chapter Two

Chapter Two:

My teenage years. Wow where do I even start on this? After all the abuse in my life, I just didn’t give a shit about anything or anyone. The fights. I was in fights all the time. I learned this trait from my father. I was with him one day when a Indian woman in town cussed at him and we chased her down the roads in our town until my dad finally cornered her at a field and got the tire iron out of the back of the car. He had this woman down on her knees begging him not to kill her. So when I had problems with girls in town, I was given a choice. #1 kick their ass or #2 my dad would kick my ass. I knew which would be worst.  Who does this? As I started to grown into a young lady I was already sleeping around with any boy that would pay attention to me. I lost my virginity at the age of 14 I think? Pretty bad I don’t even remember huh. I do remember that I always thought that the only way for boys to like me was to give them sex or oral sex. I think by the time I was 18 I had slept with about 20 men. This is not something I like to talk about, but I want to show people my story and be brutally honest about it. I never even enjoyed sex, in fact if the truth is to be known, I hated it. But, for a the short time, I thought someone cared about me and only me. They smiled and showed me affection. That was such an amazing feeling.  If I was really lucky some of the boys or men would even cuddle with me for a few minutes. To have someone hold you tight, there was no other feeling. I was also drinking and doing drugs by this age. It helped numb the pain. Which is what I realized now. At the time I didn’t know why I was doing all of this or acting like that. I honestly thought it was normal behavior and just didn’t give a shit. I went to school high. I missed school half the time. I cussed out teachers. I threw chairs in the classroom. I picked fights. My family must have been so proud of me. Just another Throne in the making. Another dysfunctional monster to the mix. My dad moved us to California trying to start a new life. I then realized how different things were there compared to small hick town Oklahoma. I managed to piss off the gangs in the schools.  That wasn’t a good choice by any means. I had my head slammed into a few brick walls and found myself running home as fast as possible. I definitely couldn’t stand up to 10+ people. When I was caught, they would hold me and then the others would take turns punching the shit out of me. The worst that it ever got was having them confront me at the pool in our apartments and try to kill me. Yes I am not exaggerating . I called the police and they found knives and guns on these kids. By then my sister had totally distanced herself from me and wouldn’t even tell people we were relating in fear of being beating up. I never even stopped to think for a second on how all of this effected my sister. I rebelled and she stayed quiet and went to school and just took the abuse. She was so much of a stronger person then I.  While living in California I remember receiving the last beating my father ever gave me. My aunt and uncle came to live with us and I was fighting with  her and said something to the effect of “ I am tired of your shit” she told my dad and I remember him picking me up by the front of my face with my feet off the floor about a few inches and BAM head into the wall. I did pass out for a few minutes and I guess it scared the shit out of him. He thought he killed me. That was the last time he ever hit me. Shortly after we moved back to Oklahoma.

I had missed so much school in California that I failed my 9th grade year and was left back. At this point I hated school and I hated almost everyone in school. I am sure it is pretty easy to believe that I wasn’t well liked at this point. I hung out in smokers alley a lot .  Keep up the same behavior all the way through high school until the beginning of my 12th grade year and finally said fuck it and dropped out. My whole family told me that I was a drop out and would never graduate or make anything of myself and for years I didn’t . Just to prove them wrong ( and I promise that is the only reason) I went back to school to get my diploma. I couldn’t go back to my regular school, but was accepted into a school for drop outs. I also started up Vo-tech and got my cosmetology license and ended up with a high school diploma in 1993.

By this time I had already moved out of my dad’s house. I was pretty well living on my own from the age of 16. This whole time my dad and I had a very odd relationship. We were still close and he helped me out with bills etc. but was always very controlling of my life. So we would talk and then have a big blow up for months and not talk .  To this day I feel such guilt on leaving my sister to take care of him while I left the situation.

Tuesday, April 29, 2014

A little story about me (Chapter 1)

I have been debating on doing this group of posts for a while now. It will be broke up into multiple chapters and I hope if you stick with me through all of it, you will understand the point from where things began to the point of today and hopefully it can give people inspiration and hope. As you all know by reading my blog, I have horrible grammar and punctuation, please try to bare with me.

Chapter One

My earliest memories of my life? I was raised by a single father who was a veteran of the Vietnam War. He and my mother divorced when I was about two years old. I don't ever remember having a mother. They divorced and she took my  younger sister to live with her. I remember from a young age always feeling like she didn't want me. My dad? He was always a big guy. Rough and burly for sure. Always pushing 250 pounds, working in the oil fields. I never remember hugs and kisses and positive reinforcement. I do remember lots of yelling. I think now that I look back at my family and my life, that is how they honestly communicated. Always flying the "fuck" word. Lots of fighting between the family. Our family was made up of: My grandmother and grandfather (who hated each other), my one Aunt S who was their youngest daughter, my father, my other Aunt T, who was their middle daughter and my other Aunt S who was the oldest daughter. We all basically lived in the same town and right next to each other. I remember the adults sitting around the table gossiping about everyone and judging everyone while yelling at us kids to leave them alone. We were to seen but not heard. As a young child I thought my life was normal and everyone lived like this. I didn't realize that my family was extremely dysfunctional and they were just breeding to make more crazy fucking people just like them.

My grandmother was the leader: 
I remember one day when I was about 8 or 9 and my sister was a year and a half younger then me. She had come to live with us when my dad took her from my mom ( I will get into that later). Anyways my grandmother and my aunt were not on speaking terms (which is common in our family). They hadn't spoke for a year or so. We were over visiting our grandmother and she sat my sister and I down at the table and explained to us how much she missed our aunt. She felt terrible they had no communication and wanted to call and apologize to her. We were told earlier not to give grandmother their phone number. My sister and I being so young and confused just wanted to help fix the problem so we gave her my aunts number in hopes they would work out their problems. Later that day we were over visiting our aunt when the phone rang. My uncle answer and it was my grandmother. She was screaming so loud and to this day I remember what she said: "HAHA you son  of a bitch I have your number now! You can thank your nieces" My uncle totally lost it and pulled out the belt and beat our asses. She never wanted to make up with my aunt. This is the kind of woman who ran our family. 

My father:
Where do I even start? I have posted in previous posts about the sexual abuse in our family along with the rapes etc. That is something I will leave as is because over the years I have come to accept this and want to move forward and past this part. Did I know my father was a monster when I grew up with him my entire life? The answer is no I didn't . I also guess that from a young age of 2 you see certain behaviors and assume it is normal because you don't know any different. I can tell you that the family has always told us he died in the war and another person came back. I am not sure I believe that. I think he was molded in the what he became because of his life and the things that happened to him. My father was a very angry person. He would fly off on the smallest thing. I piece of garbage could be on the floor and we would be beat because of it. When I say beat, I mean beat. I vividly remember being hit with hoses, boards, belts, switches, anything he could get his hands on at the time. One thing I learned was if I ran faster then him I had a chance. You never knew when the beatings would happen, you never knew what would set him off, but watch out when you did. Was I scared of my dad? At the time no because I thought this was the way things happened. He worked a lot to take care of my sister and I. He was gone a lot in the oil fields. We pretty well took care of ourselves. We cooked our own meals, cleaned the house at the age of 6 and 7. I mean clean the whole entire house. Even had to straighten out the fringes on the rugs. I remember one time it was around Easter time and my dad had hide all his drugs in my closet. Drugs were always around. The aunts and uncles would smoke pot etc. Anyway I loaded up all his drugs and took them over to my grandmother. I said " grandma I found grass in my closet" she responded to me " of course you did, it is Easter" well I dumped all the drugs out on the table and she lost it. Of course she called my dad and was screaming and cussing at him. Well lets say I paid severely for that one. I don't think I was able to sit down for days. I could sit here and fill up pages about the beatings my sister and I took through our life with him, but I think you get the point. Now after the beatings he felt so guilty he would buy us stuff. Four wheelers, mopeds, toys, clothes etc. It was like his way for making up for things. After the physical pain was over, it was so nice to be able to have a fun toy. This is the way I thought my father showed us love. He was the only parent I ever knew. This was the only family I ever knew. 


Monday, April 28, 2014

This & That

Well my first OB appointment is Wednesday and I can tell you that it can't get here soon enough. For the past two days I've had a overwhelming fear that the babies aren't alive. This is probably due to the dreams I've been having.  Yeah I know that sounds totally morbid, but I just can't shake the feeling. My doctor last week told me that my chances had dropped to 3% and for most people that would be a green light to accept a pregnancy. I could never understand reading blogs of woman who were pregnant after years of infertility and losses and understand at a certain point how they couldn't just be happy and accept their pregnancy. Well now that I am in those shoes, I totally understand. It has been hard from the beginning not having the symptoms that is suppose to go along with a twin pregnancy and all the bleeding/clotting etc. Everyday I tell myself it is going to be okay and the babies are fine. This is a very hard place to be and now I do finally understand. I think I am just now starting to realize how much infertility has stolen from me over all these years. I guess all I can do at this point is wait until my appointment on Wednesday and ask him if he will give me an ultrasound. According to the nurse that is not standard practice on the first visit. If he doesn't I will call my RE and see if they will let me come in for one. I am sure after all the tasty pies I sent them today, they will be more then happy to :)

Well this Friday we get our new travel trailer and I am really excited. We love to camp and try to go at least a few times a year. Now that we are expecting twins, there will be no more Mexico trips or nice sunny beaches in our future for a few years. Therefore we decided to upgrade from our little pop up to a nice travel trailer. Here are a few pictures of the model we are getting!

We are planning our first trip with our new camper in a few weeks. We are going to a beautiful part of SE Oklahoma to camp for a week (instead of our Colorado trip). I will miss not going to Colorado, but I know I have to stay near a doctor with my bleeding.

As of today I am 10w5d pregnant. Only a few more weeks and I will be in the "safer" zone. Then we can become more confident and actually start planning for twins.

Friday, April 25, 2014

Inspirational Infertility Friday

Always thinking of my friends and fellow bloggers who are suffering through losses and ttc. 

Wednesday, April 23, 2014

I graduated!

My little hoppers are doing pretty darn good. I am a little worried that the second gestational sac only measure 9w3d, but there was horrible resolution on the u/s machine today. He said he was not worried at all because the CRL was perfect.
Hopper "A" measured 10w3d with heart rate of 185bpm
Hopper "B" measured 10w1d with hear rate of 184 bpm.
Here is pic, but it is HORRIBLE. I graduated today and first OB appointment is next Wednesday when I will talk him into doing an u/s.

Graduation Day & 10 Weeks!

Today is a big day. I am getting released from the RE after four years of treatment the day has finally come! My u/s is at 3:30 and hoping that the hoppers are still growing and being rockstars :) My symptoms are about the same as they have been since 5 weeks. Mainly indigestion and insomnia. No sickness and I actually still have energy (which I credit to 20mg of prednisone daily). I haven't weighed in a few weeks. In all honesty the weight issue isn't a big concern for me . I am eating great and drinking lots of water. I should be getting my doppler later this week. My husband is going to Arkansas to visit his family over the weekend. I couldn't think of a sweeter gift for our anniversary (which is Thursday)  then to send a video showing our little hoppers and their strong heartbeats. Okay getting ahead of myself just a little. Lets make it through today. Fingers crossed graduation day and also 10 weeks. I officially hit double digits!

Monday, April 21, 2014

Bleeding, Camping and NIAW

Well I had a very interesting Friday. I was planning on leaving work early because we had a camping trip planned over Easter weekend. Friday morning was busy and I was of course the only person there working. The bosses were up in the conference room with some clients and I had just posted this on my pregnant after infertility facebook page:

"I feel like I am totally jinxing myself by even posting this, BUT I haven't had a big bleed since last Thursday. Still spotting everyday but that is the norm for this pregnancy. Fingers crossed that the bleeds are done or at least longer breaks in between for my sanity."


I was sitting in my chair and sneeze. I knew the feeling and was soaked in blood. Bad thing. As soon as this happened our second set of clients walked in for their meeting with the bosses. I had to take my cardigan off and tie it around my waist. As soon as I stood up the blood started gushing more and running down my legs onto my feet. I got the clients seated and walked upstairs to the conference room to let the boss know. I then had to let him know I had to leave and go home because I was soaked in blood. I was mortified. Actually beyond mortified. By the time I got home my car seat was soaked in blood (white leather) and it was everywhere. I made the decision while cleaning up that I wasn't going to let this SCH run my life for one second more then it already has. I called my RE office to let them know. I told her I didn't want to bother coming in for an u/s at this point and would just wait until my next visit, which is this Wednesday. Honestly what is the point? There are two possibilities things that will come out of this:

#1.  The SCH will cause me to lose the babies
#2. The SCH will keep going and babies will be fine.

Either way, I can't do anything at this point and I am SO done stressing about this.

I have considered buying adult diapers though and just wearing them 24/7. I am not sure what else to do. I have been wearing super heavy pads. You know the ones that goes from your chin to the back of your neck? LOL. They don't do anything when I have these massive bleeds.

Any suggestions on something I could wear to at least help get me to bathroom before I soak through all my clothes?

Well I did get cleaned up Friday and headed camping. Best.decision.ever. We had a great time and I was able to spend quality time with hubby, daughter and my sisters and her family. Here are a few pictures from our camping trip.

Today is the start of National Infertility Awareness Week. Please take a moment to educate someone about infertility. Remember we can't expect someone who hasn't suffered through this to know what is happening to us.

Friday, April 18, 2014

Infertility inspirational Friday

For all of you still in the trenches. Thinking about you all the time. Never forgotten.

Thursday, April 17, 2014

9 Week Ultrasound

Sorry for posting so long after the fact. Yesterday was busy crazy day.

Our hoppers are happy and growing (STILL)!

We went in and he immediately found both heartbeats and then went on to measure each baby.  Our little hopper a was moving his/her arms all around and wiggling. At that moment it finally hit me and I looked at Al " holy shit I am really pregnant, these little humans are growing inside me". I think up until this point I was in some sort of denial about the whole thing. Seeing your baby on a screen moving and breathing it a unbelievable and overwhelming feeling. Although I am not a religious person, I am so thankful and beyond blessed for these two babies. How did I end up getting so lucky?

Here are measurements for babies:

Hopper "A" was measuring ahead at 9w4d and had a heart rate of 189 bpm.
Hopper "B" was measuring ahead at 9w1d and had a heart rate of 188 bpm. 

Dr. H said their little hearts will start to slow down after this week. I also asked if I could go in for one more u/s next Wednesday that way I only have to wait a week before seeing my new OB. Of course he agreed. I asked him about our miscarriage rate at 9 weeks. It of course is still there and he told me after all I have been through that it is something I will continue to worry about for a while. He is such a smart man. He assured me that the babies look wonderful. He also noticed the OB that I picked and mentioned how perfect of a doctor he would be for us. I guess he is big stuff around OU. I told him that he shouldn't have expected anything less from me :)

Without further waiting, here are the little hopppers at 9 weeks.

And my 9 week bump!

Tuesday, April 15, 2014


It is a little over 24 hours until my 9 week u/s. Everything the doctors have told us should give me a lot of hope that we still have two growing babies with beautiful heartbeats. I am still nervous, I get this way before every u/s. Knock on wood no big bleed since last Thursday.

Please send me all your prayers, positive thoughts and well wishes. This doesn't get easier. I do hope that one day I will accept this pregnancy and feel more confident. If the ultrasound goes well tomorrow I am getting a doppler from a friend to start listening to heartbeat (that should give me some reassurance).

Monday, April 14, 2014


Today is 8W5D. I have my next ultrasound on Wednesday and I will be 9 weeks pregnant. My furthest pregnancy since my daughter was born almost 17 years ago. For the most part I am still not feeling pregnant. 

Nausea (started this morning)
Round ligament pain
Full feeling all the time
Hunger has definitely decreased and not much sounds good (besides bacon cheeseburgers).
Still have insomnia ( usually sleep about 3 hours a night).
Shortness of breath has been bad since about 5 weeks
Heart palpitations started recently. 
Pure laziness
Bleeding is still around. I haven't spotted in two days though. ( Dr. Kim started me on 2 cc of progesterone in oil shots daily).

Feeling pretty confident that babies are still with me today. Hoping to get a doppler if this appointment goes well on Wednesday. 

We did cancel our Colorado trip that was planned for next month. With having a SCH and the bleeding, I didn't feel comfortable traveling out of state. 

Fingers crossed we have two healthy growing babies on Wednesday!

Friday, April 11, 2014


I remember for the last few years following many woman on here that graduated from trying to conceive to pregnant after infertility. The most common post I read was how they felt guilty being pregnant and leaving others behind. My first comment always was " you should not feel guilty for being pregnant. All of us have struggled so much and we all deserve to have this. Sit back and be grateful and enjoy". Wow I never thought I would be eating those words. Sitting on the other side of the fence it was so easy for me to tell woman that and mean it. Now that I am here and seeing others that have struggled so hard to get pregnant and lose a pregnancy or still be in the trenches month after month.... well it breaks my heart. It also makes me look back at the past 8 weeks and wonder if I am coming off whiny because of the pregnancy issues I am having. I know most woman would love to be in my situation right now. I can promise you that I am grateful to be at this point. I have said from day one that I will be grateful for the time I was given with these babies, whether it was one week or for 18 + years. As scary as it has been, I have also never felt so blessed in my life. All the years of treatment, surgeries, losses, everything, it was worth it. For no matter how long I have with them, it was worth and I will never ever take that for granted. Ever.

For those of you still struggling and those of you who recently lost your pregnancy, I won't tell you that things will be better, because that seems very unfair of me right now. I will tell you that in the end I hope you believe your struggle was worth all the tears, the pain, the anger, and the time you fought so hard for. 

3rd Big Bleed (8W2D)

I can tell you that this doesn't get any easier. I was driving home from work last night and felt the all to common " flood gates opening up". It was only four days since my last big bleed and I was just thinking that I had gone all day with zero spotting. It was followed by large clots the size of my palm and cramps along with back pain. I just knew this time was different and I had lost the babies. Of course I think about it every second of every day. The stress of this is finally starting to get to me. I am usually a strong person, but find myself breaking down mentally and emotionally more and more daily. I haven't been able to enjoy the 8 weeks of this pregnancy because of the worry I am losing them daily with bleeding. Of course I got into the RE first thing this morning and even though he was out of the office today, I was able to see the other RE. The hoppers are alive. Thank you.

Hopper "A" was measuring 8w4d and had hb of 179.
Hopper "B" was measuring 8w3d and had hb of 177.

The third sac was empty today. He was having issues seeing everything going on in there and didn't say much about the SCH. He did tell me that at this point of being over 8 weeks and having strong heartbeats that my chance of miscarriage was LOW. I then reminded him that I've had 6 miscarriages and those statistics don't mean a lot to me at this point. He then told me how common bleeding is in early pregnancy. "IF I had a dollar for every time I have heard that" .  Well as of today my hoppers have made it through 3  huge bleeds and are going strong. Thank you.

My next appointment is next Wednesday and I will be 9 weeks. I am expecting call from the OB today to schedule my first appointment. I will also let him know about the sch so he can get me in to see the MFM. Hopefully they can get a better handle on it.

To anyone that has went through this and had an active sch, I have all the respect in the world for you!

Wednesday, April 9, 2014

SCH Update

Since my ultrasound on Monday, a few things have changed. I have continued to have red spotting. I emailed Dr. Kim on Tuesday to let her know that my RE found a SCH. I received an email back from her nurse a few hours later stating that Dr. Kim wanted me to stop the lovenox completely. That freaked me out! Just this last week I still tested positive for 7 APS markers ( which is clotting issues). So the thought of stopping one of the main drugs that I feel have gotten me this far was not good. I laid in bed all night and wondered if I should listen to Dr. Kim or continue doing my injections at least every other day. I decided I would email her again today and see what the plan was. Luckily they were on top of things and first thing this morning I received this email from her nurse:

" Tonisha, the following are some recommendations per Dr. Kwak in regards to your bleeding episodes:......... RECOMMENDATIONS: a. Continue IVIG 15 gms weekly........ b. Start Lovenox 40 mg every other day........ c. Start Progesterone in oil injections 2 cc every day........ d. Ultrasounds weekly.......... e. Repeat NK and Cytokines post every 2nd infusion (I will email you an order)........ Where should I call the progesterone in oil to? It is an injection that needs to go in your buttock........ Thanks! this from Dr. Kims clinic"

After seeing this email this morning I felt so much better. This Friday will be my first infusion with 15grams. I talked to my boss last week because I have been missing every Friday for infusions. I am starting this week by getting them at work. I have my own office so it really won't be that big of a deal. I am also trying to talk him into putting his couch in my office to make my infusions easier and it will also be a benefit later in pregnancy to curl up during lunch and take a nice nap. My other boss already said it was a great idea! 

Today is 8 weeks! I have made it a whole two months with little people growing in me and they are still alive. Wow I never thought this day would come. So incredibly thankful for every single moment I have with them. I also know the statistics on actually carrying both of them past the miscarriage phase. All I can do it take it day by day.

Monday, April 7, 2014


Well last night while driving home from picking my daughter up at work, I had another huge bleed. Once I got home and went to the bathroom I had passed more clots and even more blood this time verses last week. It was 10 at night so I debated on calling paging system for my doctor or just leaving a message with the clinic. I finally decided to call the paging system. They were able to get me in this morning for another u/s.

The hoppers are alive and still growing!!!

Hopper "A" is measuring 8w0d and has a heartbeat of 167bpm.
Hopper "B" is measuring 7w6d and has a heartbeat of 170bpm.

Best news is, he was able to find a SCH. Now knowing there is an active bleed that has been seen on the u/s makes me feel SO much better. It is measuring 19mm.

Sac 3 is still there and growing. The yolk sac on it hasn't grown any though.

Do any of you know about gestational sacs? My sac for hopper "a" is measuring 9w3d this week. Last week it was measuring the exact same date as baby (which was 7w0d).

Here is a picture of the Hoppers! Almost made it to eight weeks! This is a new record and babies are still with me.

Saturday, April 5, 2014

Still Bleeding

Since my big bleed last Friday, I have been spotting on and off. It has always remained dark brown and usually only when I wipe. Today it was a little heavier and has left a few spots on my panty liner. Can I say how much I hate blood and pregnancy? Every single time I've had blood and pregnancy it has ended badly, every time. 

Does it make me feel better that my clinic keeps telling me that it is "completely normal" and " don't worry"? They have told me this a few times in the past so I don't rely to hard on " the reassuring phone calls". I was told that I have to wait until next Wednesday for my u/s. They want to see a week of full growth with the babies. 

Have I mentioned how much I hate waiting? Well I do. 

I remind myself daily of the great news so far. The great hcg levels, progesterone levels, growth of babies and heartbeats. There is no reason why they shouldn't be  growing daily and doing fine. I also fight the feelings that one or both aren't going to make it and this journey is over for us. No take home babies or babies after all these years of trying. 

Gosh this is so stressful..... 

4 more days until u/s. 

I did get a new symptom that started yesterday. Exhaustion. 

Sorry if I sound like
Debbie Downer, but I am so scared of this process.

Thursday, April 3, 2014

Updates, This & That

Thought I would take a few minutes and get back to those of you who have been asking me questions about my treatments etc.

I did end up hearing back from Dr. Kim and she agreed with my doctor here in OKC. I have reduced my dosage from 80 mg daily to 40mg daily. In a way it has been somewhat scary, but I do believe that we are all making the right decision. I haven't experienced any bleeding since last Friday. Although I check every five minutes.

OB & High Risk-
I should be hearing from the OB this week to schedule me for my first appointment around ten weeks. He has also already contacted his colleagues that are MFM and I will be hearing from them soon. I guess this is a very common practice when carrying twins.

The Triplet-
Thank you for all the support on losing the third baby. In all honesty, the thought of having three babies scared the hell out of me. I am still working on processing the fact we are having two. Al and I always knew that multiples were a possibility going through treatment. It is definitely not common though to have all three eggs fertilize with iui. We beat all the odds on this one. I do believe everything happens for a reason.

I was a little worried about my lack of stereotypical symptoms. I didn't think I was having symptoms, but it turns out I really do have a nice little list of them.
  • Insomnia
  • Heartburn
  • burping
  • shortness of breath
  • on and off cramping
  • headaches
  • extreme hunger
  • congestion
  • bloated
I don't have any morning sickness, sore boobs or extreme fatigue.  My doctor assured me yesterday while looking at the babies that I am indeed pregnant and feel very lucky I am not sick.

Fear of Twins-
I am sure that most parents of twins have a fear. I was not one of the people who thought it would be so cool to have twins. In all honesty with the immune issues and all the failed cycles were we had multiple embryos, eggs etc. I didn't even think it was a viable option for us. I am scared. I want to do my best to make sure they are healthy in the womb and can make a safe delivery. I am scared that financially we will have issues paying for two babies. Our house is so small! I don't even think we have room for one crib in the spare room and I know there isn't room for two. There are many fears. So any twins moms out there, please let me know this is a normal feeling? Am I a horrible person for having these fears?

All of my immune levels are pretty close to normal now. Dr. Kim is still wanting me to do my infusions every week though. I will continue the infusions until end of second trimester. I will also continue the blood thinners and steroids. I truly believe with all my heart that this is reason we are at this point right now.

Well that was my this & that for the day. Sitting here 7w1D pregnant with my hoppers and feeling so lucky! So very lucky! I am still in daily shock that this happened to us after four years of struggling.

Wednesday, April 2, 2014

7 Week Ultrasound

Well I didn't mention much about this the last post on 6W3D, but Dr. H saw a third sac. We weren't sure if it was a SCH or a possible triplet pregnancy. Turns out I started out with triplets.
He found a yolk sac today, and couldn't get measurement on it. Yolk sac was measuring 5w6d so it's not viable. The Hoppers on the other hand are doing great! Hopper A is measuring 7w0d with hb at 150. Hopper B is measuring 7w0d with hb at 143. His words were , he is cautiously optimistic for this pregnancy.

There are no words to describe how happy I am right now. Yes still have anxiety and probably will for many more months, but feeling more confident with each report we get. Today I am pregnant with my hoppers. 

If there is no bleeding from now until next week I will have my next u/s next Wednesday at 8 weeks.

7 Week Ultrasound Later Today

This pretty well sums it up:

Tuesday, April 1, 2014


Hoping every day that goes by and the babies are still alive, I can push this emotion further and further away.

Wish my u/s would hurry up and get here. 31 more hours until my 7 week u/s. This will be further then I made it with Circle.

Fear go away.