Thursday, October 31, 2013


I can't even put words together in my head to form a blog today..... 5 days straight of sleeping about 2 hours a night.............

This sums it up.

Wednesday, October 30, 2013

Update from Dr. Kim

Well I received these results from Dr. Kims office this morning.

Dear Tonisha,
The following are your results with recommendations per Dr. Kwak-Kim:
NK assay:
50:1 10.6 should be 15 or less
cd56 9.0 should be 12 or less
Th1/Th2 cytokines:
TNF 43.4 should be 30.6 or less
IFN 18.6 should be 20.5 or less
ANA positive 1:320
Chemistry panel - ok
Testosterone level 38 (norm 8-48) your level has increased from 31
TSH 1.18
FT3 3.4
FT4 1.22 all good
Insulin Free 17.3 (norm 2.6-24.9) your level has increased from 13.
a. Increase Metformin ER to 750 mg twice daily (will send order to Walgreen's on 27th)
b. Repeat Chemistry panel, Insulin Free, Testosterone in 4 weeks
c. Maintain low carbohydrate diet and regular exercise

It says to increase my Metformin, but to be very honest I never started taking it.
I sent them an email and explained that I never started this medication. I also asked if there is anything I can do besides taking it?

Anyone have any suggestions? Since my levels are all within normal ranges on the Insulin and Testosterone wise. I wonder if upping my exercise and diet might help?

Monday, October 28, 2013

First Job

My daughter got her first job this weekend. It was a big day for the both of us. I am still sitting here wondering where the years went? Also amazed at what a smart, beautiful, funny person I raised. For so many years I was scared that I didn't do a good job raising her. For so many years I was a single mother with no help or support from  her father. I worked two jobs and did whatever I had to so we had food on our table and she was taken care of. Now I sit her and look at her and know that it all paid off. What a proud moment this is for me. It also helps push my forward on having another child. I always joked that my daughter would be in college before she had a brother or a sister and that is looking like a real possibility. I am going to be one of "those" late parents, LOL. I can accept that and be happy with it. I think being an older parent is better in some respects. I know that now I am financially stable, more patience, have a loving husband, a good home and have spent many years and lots of money.

Today I sit here so proud of my accomplishments as a mother to Cierra. I also sit here today and hope I can get the chance to love another child.

TTC News:

Today is 4DPIUI but only 3DPO. I am choosing to remain hopeful :)

Saturday, October 26, 2013

We missed it

Well this cycle was a wash. We did the IUI one day earlier than expected because my progesterone levels were 1.10 on Wednesday morning. I went home that evening around 5 and took my trigger then had our IUI on 11am Thursday morning. Yesterday I was having lots of pressure and pain ( like I do every month at ovulation time. In my heart I knew I was ovulating yesterday. I think we can all agree that we know our bodies and especially after years of infertility and treatment. Last night I tried to get my DH to do the deed but he was tired. At that moment I knew that the $300 IUI and all the meds I took this month were wasted. I think next month we will stick to the meds and just TI. This way we have so much more control over the situation and the sperm will also stay alive much longer verses being washed.

Here is my chart...... You win some you lose some, right . There is always next month :)

Friday, October 25, 2013

Support group

If any of you know of a group that I could join for multiple miscarriages along with diagnosed immune issues, would you let me know? Since I have been newly diagnosed with all of the immune stuff I would really love to find a place to get support and information.


Funny Infertility Friday

Yes last night at the Rocky Horror Show we did the time warp?  Brad (Asshole) Janet ( Slut). It was fantastic, nasty and just plain freaking awesome!

Here are some pics during intermission as you can take pics of the set. We got in trouble :)

This performance was done at the smaller theater in town and only has 250 seats. You are very up close and personal.

Thursday, October 24, 2013

A day full of rockstars and transvestites

Well lets start off with my iui today. We walked into the clinic and were called back by my favorite nurse within five minutes. I asked her if Dr. H had been practicing because of all the hard transfers we've had to date. She laughed and said she was going to give it a shot today because Dr. H was gone and she had back up just in case. I won't lie, I was pretty upset. These IUI and IVF transfers usually cause me to bleed, there is a lot of pain and it takes forever to get the catheter in my uterus. She came in the room and asked if I was ready and reluctantly I said yes. We asked about the sperm count and she replied that we had 56 million with 91% swimming around super fast. Score!  Then the most amazing thing happened, the catheter went into place within a few minutes. There it was on the u/s and then we saw the beautiful white blob of sperms go right into place. No pain, no bleeding and under five minutes.  We were all applauding and smiling. Being so happy, Nurse M printed off a picture to show Dr. H and said she was going to brag all day long at the clinic. When we were leaving all the nurses said they heard that nurse M did a fantastic job. She is hired! So today has been a huge success all around.

Now on to transvestites, LOL

My boss gave me two tickets for the Rocky Picture Horror at the Lyric Theater tonight! Al and I are going to have a nice dinner and then go to the show. Any RHPS fans out there?

And before I forget today the two awards for rock star of the day goes to .......................

My DH Al for his stellar sperm
Nurse M for doing the best transfer ever, ever, ever............

Wednesday, October 23, 2013

Update on IUI

Well I just got a call from my clinic. Guess this may not be my cycle. My progesterone levels were 1.10 so my IUI has been moved to 11 am tomorrow. I am a little concerned that my E2 levels are only 464 and  I have four mature follicles. I have to go home and take another 100 IU of Follistim and do the trigger.

Some times the wonky cycles are the ones that work, right!


Well I just got back from the clinic. Looks like we have 4 mature follicles to work with this month. Of course lefty is the winner winner chicken dinner with having 3 of the 4 follicles. Righty, well as always I don't have much to say about her :) I trigger tonight at 11 and my IUI is scheduled for Friday at 11 am.

To be very honest, I am not very sure this will work (at least) this month. I just started all my new medications and I am sure they all need time to work effectively. Regardless I am just over the moon happy to be trying again. I know it is all going to work out.

Monday, October 21, 2013

Updates & FB Group

Just wanted to let all my group members know that there is an issue going on with facebook this morning. It won't let anyone post in the group. I have sent a message to them and hopefully it will be taken care of quickly. 

Today was my CD10 u/s. I have one Lone Ranger follicle trying to mess up the party for the rest of my guests. It is measuring at 16 and the doctor thinks I could ovulate before our iui on Friday. He doesn't want to trigger me yet because the other four are only around 13mm. He wants me to start using my ovulation strips tonight . I go back in for another u/s on Wednesday and should trigger that evening if I haven't already ovulated. I guess at this point it is really a waiting game. I don't want to spend the money on iui if I only have one follicle that will be mature. Of course this cycle won't be a bust either way. If I ovulate early then we will just do it the natural way and wait for next month. Still feeling hopeful either way :)

Saturday, October 19, 2013

Asshole of the year award

Today I should get the asshole of the year award, maybe even asshole of the century award. Al had Porter put down this morning. I can tell you that my heart is truly broken and I feel like such a jerk. I know in my heart it was the right thing, but I just keep thinking that we took a life and that feeling is the worst feeling ever. He trusted us as his caretakers, he loved us. I can't help but think that if I never would have moved in with Al and brought my dogs, Porter would still be alive. Earlier this week after our huge fight Al said he called the vet and was going to take Porter in Saturday. I broke down and we had a very long talk on any other possible options. Since he was 13 years old (which I thought he was 10) and he was becoming more agitated easily, also startled easily. Al was afraid since we were keeping all the dogs separated and Cierra was feeding them in the afternoons, there could be something set him off and she would be caught in the middle. I told him to think about it and I would support whatever decision was made. I know this broke his heart and I know this had to be one of the toughest decisions he has ever made. So today I sit here knowing I am the asshole wife that put all of this in motion.

Because of me, a dog lost his life. That is not a very good feeling to have. 

Friday, October 18, 2013

Funny Infertility Friday

Cycle update:

Today is CD7 and day five of Femara. I had my u/s this morning. My lining is 5.5, right ovary had (4) measurable follicles around 6-8mm. Left ovary  had (5) measurable follicles around 9 mm. Start Follistim tonight and next u/s on Monday. Looks like lucky IUI#6 will be around next Thursday. Excited about the possibilities for the first time in a long time. I also know that if this cycle doesn't work there are more to come within the next year.

I foresee baby Rapp in 2014!

Thursday, October 17, 2013

American Horror Story

I am a HUGE American Horror Story fan.... Jessica Lang is such an amazing and talented actress.  I know this show is not for everyone as the episodes are on the dark side. This season is Coven and has been the best season so far. One of the "good" witches in this season has infertility. They have tried clomid and other drugs to get pregnant but it has been a no go. Her husband suggested she try some magic to conceive. I am so excited to see what kind of baby will be born. Also Kathy Bates is playing Delphine LaLaurie. If you are not familiar with her, she was a serial killer back in the mid 1800's and killed/tortured about 20 of her slaves. Kathy Bates is straight up crazy evil in this season.

My favorite quote from last nights episode

" I couldn't even toast a piece of bread with the heat they put on you" LOL yes that was Jessica Lang's character. She is a mean evil dark magic witch.

Any other AHS fans???

Wednesday, October 16, 2013

Huge blowup

Well there has been a huge blow out at the Rapp household and a night spent at a hotel and another night spent in the spare bedroom. Al and I have been married for three years and never, ever had such a huge fight. 

It was all over a dog.

I have blogged about the dog issues in our household several times. We have three dogs. Al rescued his dog Porter (pit & lab) from the streets of New Jersey about six or seven years ago. I have two dogs. Boomer who is a chocolate lab and Izzy who is a sheltie. Within the first few months of living together Porter first attacked my sheltie. Shortly after there were two fights between Porter and Boomer that I witnessed first hand. Porter was the aggressor and it was a bloody battle. I tried everything to separate them and nothing worked. Both of these dogs are about 90lbs. We contacted the vet in our area for ideas on how to stop the fighting. We also contacted the place where Al adopted Porter. We were told that Porter needs to be the alpha male and we should feed him first, let him out of crate first, everything needs to be done with him first. We tried, it failed.  He suffers from severe separation anxiety and just anxiety in general. If he is not near Al or I at all times he will start crying with this high pitch ear piercing screech. He won't go outside to the bathroom with crying. He uses the bathroom right in front of the steps because he doesn't want to get to far away. He has nipped at Cierra numerous times. When you open a door, watch out because he will take you out. Now Boomer is a young male and also wants to be top dog in the house. When we go away for a trip, I have been boarding Boomer because of the extensive damage Porter does to him while we are gone. I made this mistake and didn't board him this past weekend. I assume responsibility. When I came home Boomers ear was almost ripped off and he had a good amount of puncture wounds around his neck. I rushed him to the vet. He was able to get stitched up. Of course there wasn't shit wrong with Porter (as always). Well I knew it was going to happen. I posted on my facebook that Boomer was at the vet again because of a fight with Porter. I had comments that it is time for Porter to be put down. To say the least, Al was freaking furious. He said I didn't have anyway to prove that Porter started the fight. 

Does it really matter at this point who started the fight???? Track records shows who has been aggressor many times in the past. HE is a fighting dog! I don't care what anyone says about pit bulls. Once they are a fighting dog, they don't ever lose that instinct. I will argue this fact all day long as I see it first hand at my house. 

Anyway we screamed a lot and he said some pretty mean things about me "always" assuming about everything and he is tired of it. I yelled that I was tired of his fucking crazy ass dog. I left and went to hotel on Monday night. I received a text from Al asking if I was coming home yesterday. I did go home last night, but slept in the spare room. I can't even sit down and talk about this right now. It has been the ONE and ONLY sore spot in our marriage and I don't see a way out of this.

Option #1- We take Porter to the vet and have him put down.  Then Al has animosity toward me and toward Boomer.

Option #2- I find a home for Boomer and I have WILL have animosity toward Al and definitely toward Porter.

Option #3- We have Porter put down and find a good loving home for Boomer. We both have animosity.

Lose/Lose situation...........................

So another day goes on and a marriage on the rocks over a fucking dog.

Tuesday, October 15, 2013

I don't know about you, but a nice cup of hot tea makes a gloomy day so much better.

Monday, October 14, 2013

Here we go

Well today is CD3 and I went in for my blood work, not only for Dr. Kim, but also my clinic here. As I have said before, things are getting pretty confusing. I have many tests to do and can't get them done at one place because that would make to much sense. Every cycle I have to get the following done at my RE clinic and then Fed-Ex the blood to Dr. Kim:
ANA test
NK assay F/U
TH1/TH2 Cytokine Ratio
then I go about ten miles to the outside lab and have them do blood work for :
Comprehensive Metabolic Chemistry
Testosterone and they fax the results to Dr. Kim.

I left the house this morning knowing very well that it would be a crazy morning and it did not disappoint.

First stop was RE clinic for my appointment at 8:20. I had my baseline u/s done. Everything is quiet and looking good. Lining measured thin, I had 22 antral follicles and no cysts. I start my Femara tonight and then Follistim in a few days. From there I traveled over to Labcorp. When I walked in the door there was a lady signing in with three young kids and one man sitting in the waiting room. I figured things would move pretty quickly. Boy was I wrong about that assumption. I guess all three of these small children needed blood work and only one person was working in the entire lab. So not only would she check you in, she was also doing the labs. Needless to say the children were screaming, the mother was screaming and the lab tech was freaking out because the waiting room was filling up and she couldn't get the kids to sit still so she could get blood. I know this because she kept all the doors opened and you could hear EVERYTHING! She kept telling the woman that she would have to come back when they  had more help so they could hold the kids down. Finally about 35 or 40 minutes later the tech comes out and leaves the woman and kids in the room with door opened. She helped called the man in front of me up and asked him a few questions and then told him to hold on for a few minutes and she would draw his blood. Some how he didn't understand what she said and went back into the room with the woman and kids. I told the lab tech he went back there and she just ignored me. I then said much louder that he was back in the room with the lady. About that time two of the kids came out bleeding because she didn't wrap their arms up. I lost my shit at that moment and asked for her supervisors number. She gave it to me and while she was cleaning up blood from screaming kids and removing the man out of the room, I called. Well lets say her supervisors attitude was no better. She said they were understaffed and for me to deal with it. I explained that was totally unacceptable and either one of them were fit to work in or run a place dealing with peoples blood. I then asked for her supervisors number, called and left a message. Finally after an hour in a half I got my blood drawn. By the time it was over with this morning I was so upset and frustrated. Because Dr. Kim is from out of state I will need to continue using Labcorp to draw my blood. This made me decide very quickly this morning to switch to iui verses ti. I can't imagine going through this shit for month after month. Don't get me wrong, I will do whatever it takes, but would prefer to not deal with this place anymore than I absolutely need to.

Point of story............... All my blood is drawn, in a box and dropped in the Fed-Ex box for delivery in Chicago tomorrow.  Also back in the saddle on TTC!!

Thursday, October 10, 2013


I can promise you that I don't think any of these happy images remotely goes along with doing Lovenox injections. Don't get me wrong, it is not horrible, but I could go without having bleeding, burning injection sites and fun little bruises.

My next idea is to spell out my initials on my tummy with Lovenox bruises. If I complete this task, I will post pictures.

Wednesday, October 9, 2013


Let me start off by saying that I haven't physically felt this awesome is SO many years! I am not taking any medications for panic or anxiety as of this point. I am full of energy, drive and feeling like I could conquer the whole entire world....  I don't ever want this feeling to go away.

 Since seeing Dr. Kim I have implemented many changes in my life and I'm starting to see the results. I have been on a low carb menu along with walking a few times a week. Also started taking all of the medications she prescribed me:

Fish oil daily
D3 daily
Vitamin E daily
Aspirin 81 mg daily
Prenatal daily
Metanx daily
Prednisone daily during luteal phase
Lovenox injections from CD6 through next cycle

The rashes on my arms are getting lighter and did I mention the energy I have? Holy hell balls! I honestly never knew life could be this good. After feeling so horrible for SO many years and having no energy along with the panic and anxiety daily it was a struggle. Dr. Kim has helped me more than words can even begin to describe. Regardless if we have a baby or not I will be so thankful to her. 

In other news today is 9DPO and AF should be here within next day or two. I have to go in on CD1-3 and have my blood work done for my NK cells, ANA, APS, insulin and TSH. We will start our Femara on CD3 and then start Follistim on CD7. Hoping to get about 5 nice size follicles this cycle. The thought of actually having cycles now where I can get pregnant and sustain a pregnancy is also mind blowing to me. I am ready to be a mom again. It feels like I have been given a new chance at life.... How do you even begin to describe that feeling? All I can promise is I won't take a second of my life for granted and always feel blessed for the things I have been given. 

Signing off a happy lady! 

Oh before I forget, my Rhem appointment is November 18th~ hoping to get the order signed for IVIG and get started on that.

Sunday, October 6, 2013

Dumps and Ups

I can't believe I am saying this, but I am in a total blogging dump lately. Since I changed my blogging address I lost over 70% of my followers and most of the things I blog about are things I already put on my infertility group. Maybe I will get out of the blogging funk soon.

Well I heard back from my insurance company and was absolutely floored to hear that we will only be paying a $30 co-pay for each $3,000 infusion of gammagard. I can't even tell you how absolutely blessed I feel at this point. I could have sat back after all the bad news I received from Dr. Kim and felt sorry for myself, but I chose to take another path, a better one for me. Now each day is looking up and I have medications that will allow me to get pregnant and stay pregnant. Being able to say I no longer have "unexplained infertility" is a pretty freaking amazing feeling.  I am feeling much better physically after starting all my medications. I have more energy! Today I am 6DPO and waiting on AF so we can start our new protocol. On CD1-3 I will need to have lots of blood drawn and sent to Chicago. This is going to be a little bit of a pain since I need to have it done in two different places. My RE clinic will draw the blood that needs to be sent to Chicago. Then I have to go to an outside lab to have the other draws done. Unfortnantely the outside lab wouldn't draw my blood and give it to me so I could send to Chicago. If they would have, then I would be able to have this done in one place. I am SO happy that I got it all figured out though! This blood draw will need to be done every cycle until we get pregnant. After pregnancy it is a whole different story. I will post another time on all the tests and monitoring that will need to be done at that point.

Well this weekend was my niece Briley's 5th birthday party. The theme was a Fancy Nancy Tea Party and my sister did an amazing job. In fact, it was the best birthday I have ever attended! Most of us dressed up and we all had tea, cookies, sandwiches and some yummy birthday cake. Here are some pictures from the event. Enjoy!

Tuesday, October 1, 2013


Well I have been very busy since posting about our meeting with Dr. Kim last week. I found out yesterday that the insurance approved our request for the IVIG or Gammagard. Still waiting to hear back on how much they will actually cover. The next hurdle was to find a place in Oklahoma to administer the infusion. This has been a huge problem! The Cancer Center here in OKC will do the infusions, but only with an order from a doctor within the state. We did get a referral from Chicago to see a Rheumatologist here and still waiting to hear back. Hopefully we can get in fairly quickly. The Cancer Center said that 90% of their patients get orders from their IVIG from Rheumatology. So I think as of this point, Al and I are going to start the blood thinners and steroids until we get in to see the Rhem and from there we will start our infusions (fingers crossed).

I never realized how difficult it is to get anything done when you have seen a specialist out of state. 

I am definitely looking forward to what life has in store for us. I believe in my heart that it will be good things.

You always have to believe