Monday, February 18, 2013

Secondary Infertility

This post has been a while in the making. All of you know that I suffer from secondary infertility. I don't talk about it a lot because I know that it is a sore spot with most woman suffering from primary infertility and I understand that. Is the pain less for us? I can't answer that question honestly because I have never felt the pain of suffering through infertility primarily. I do know that it hurts and most likely in a different way. When I had Cierra I was SO young. I know now these past three years, all the mistakes I made, all the things I took for granted haunt me daily. I know what it is like to have a child and not fully appreciate the situation. I also know what it feels like to know what I was missing all these years. I don't think anyone can say it is worst one way or the other to suffer through infertility. I honestly believe it hurts both ways, but in different ways. 

Now what if you are a mother to multiple children and are trying to have another one unsucessfully. Is that considered infertility also? One thing I have really learned through this whole process is, not to be as judgemental of others. This is not something that has been easy for me, infact quite the opposite. I was brought up in a disfunctional family that thought it was normal to talk about everyone else. Family members, strangers, it didn't matter. We were so judgemental and that has been the hardest bad habit for me to break.  I do know that I tend to be a little harsh on negative people and I have for a while. Some woman have told me it is because I have a child already. At first that comment really pissed me off. Now, honestly, it could be the truth. I do know that in my case, hating people for getting pregnant easily, or posting their pics on facebook, or sharing their normal excitement didn't help my situation at all. Why should I hate or dislike woman because they can have babies? Isn't that what we were all meant to do? Yes and it comes for some easier then others. Do I feel this way because I suffer from secondary infertility? I don't know. 

Finally. As a woman who has been suffering from secondary, it really fucking pisses me off that other woman in the same situation can be so mean and judgmental toward others with children. In case you haven't woke up and smelled the roses, we are those "others" to woman who have never had a child. I want to truly say, how dare some of you being so mean and cold hearted. We were blessed with a child and there are many woman that cannot say that. I always knew and know that if I cannot have another child, I was so beyond blessed with what I have in life right now. Of course I deserve to have another child and every woman in this world deserves the right to have that experience. Unfortunately this world is a cruel mean place. So rule of thumb, before you start bashing Kim Kardashen, or the 15 year old down the street for getting pregnant and being downright cruel about it, remember that you have already been blessed so much more then many woman on here and in the world. 

I know that this pregnancy can easily be gone tomorrow at my u/s. In fact it is a very good possibility. I choose to be thankful for the time I had with this baby regardless. I also choose to love my daughter that was given to me when least expected and not worked for.

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