Yesterday was a very bad day. Not only did I find out we lost Circle, I messed up at work and it was a huge mistake. Under normal circumstances I would have be reprimanded at the least. I guess losing Circle saved me from that. When I told the boss we lost the baby, he cried. He hugged me and kissed the top of my head. They just lost a son over a year ago due to suicide so he knows the pain of losing someone. He then told me to take all the time I needed (of course) to get through everything. That my life was way more important then work. I apologized for letting my personal life effect my job the way it had. I have never had this happen before infertility. Of course the boss said there was no comparison and that this place would run either way, that I needed to heal. About this time the other boss receives a phone call from a working interest owner that said his letter was wrong. We went over the letters and not only did I forget to change important information on each letter, I forgot to attach another agreement. Huge fuck up on my part. Usually I handle criticism well, but not yesterday. My one boss is trying so hard not to be mad and the other is like you should have known. I broke out crying. Yes me crying after getting in trouble. Talk about feeling completely worthless. Any other time I would have admitted I made a mistake, apologized and fixed it. Yesterday I burst out of their office in tears. My boss came after me and told me it was his fault and not mine and that everything would be okay, we could fix this. The thing was, it wasn't his fault, it was mine. Today I am fixing letters and will personally go into their offices and assume responsibility for my mistake.
After leaving the office I talked with Al again about moving on. I asked if he was 100% sure and accept the idea. He told me yes and still feels that we can get pregnant naturally. I left the conversation there. I didn't want to tell him that I don't want to even think about getting pregnant again. We hit such a huge milestone this time and the pain was worse. How could I honestly go back and do that all over again with the chances of another dead baby. I might wait until after the miscarriage etc. and discuss going on some type of birth control for a while (at least). I can't even process the idea of trying again.
I also want to be very clear about this next statement. I wrote yesterday about closing this chapter of our lives and it wasn't how I imagined it would be. We got pregnant and I had a living, breathing baby inside me for weeks. That is the best gift I could ever have asked for. I feel at peace knowing we are leaving this part of our lives behind, but also were so blessed to feel what we did, even for a short time. There are no words to describe that and I will always smile when I think of our little Circle.
Finally, I have decided to start a new infertility and pregnancy after infertility facebook page. I learned what to do and not to do from my old page. This group will be very small and personal. It will be by invitation only. If a member would personally like to invite someone they know, then I would also accept them as a group member. This will be a private group and it will be a group that is supportive of all members going through infertility or pregnant after suffering. I will allow absolutely NO drama in this group under no circumstances. It will be filled with helpful information, links and support. We will also have fun give-a-ways and share fun pictures throughout the week. Anyone that is interested, please let me know. I plan on setting it up this week. I want to be there for woman who need support. I want you guys to know that no matter how dark things get, you can keep going. I hope that is the one thing you have thought about while following my blog.
The new facebook group is Chapters Through Infertility & More. Find us and request add. I will only add people I know.
UPDATE: I had my hcg levels done yesterday and they were 23,000. Waiting to see what they do Friday before I make a decision how to move forward.