Monday, May 28, 2012

Emotional Day

I have to start years back for this story. Before I met Al I was in a 3 1/2 year long relationship with someone. Did I love him, at this point I know I didn't but I cared for him deeply. He was quite a big younger then me, early twenties actually. We met and clicked instantly. He had an amputation (above the knee) and really felt he had a hard time meeting woman due to this. I'm not sure if I ever told you but my father was a bk amputation (below knee) so I have always been used to this and wasn't a big deal for me. As we started dating I noticed he didn't have a job and he was still really bitter about losing his leg. I knew that he could do things with his life, with a little drive. I finally talked him into attending vo-tech and he really flourished going through the program. The years we were together, looking back now I think I wanted to help him and take care of him, maybe even fix him. After his graduation from votech he still wasn't working and I really felt that I deserved better in life. Not someone to take care of me but an equal in life. I know that probably sounds very selfish. We broke up and it was not a good split. Fast forward to last October. I found out from a friend that still lives in this town that he had died. He was involved in a car crash and didn't make it. When I found out I was really torn up and so sad. He was so young and didn't deserve to die. I found his sister on facebook and sent her a message asking if it was true. She never answered me. I assumed her and her mom really hated me by this time and I understood. I moved on. I posted about a week or so ago about having a dream about an ex boyfriend that is deceased and I kept telling him he was gone and he was arguing with me that he was fine and alive. Well this dream was about him. Ive actually had a few lately. This morning I checked my facebook and his sister sent me a friend request along with a message. She told me that she never noticed the message in her folder and was very sorry for not answering. Then she asked me to call her. I couldn't. I told her that I cant call and talk to her. I feel so guilty for what happened to him. I know that if I wouldn't have broke up with him then he wouldn't have been on that road on that day and died. I know that all of this sounds pretty crazy and I shouldn't feel the guilt but I do. His death has really affected me and I still haven't moved past it.

What an emotional day. I just hope that his sister and mom are able to move on and have some sort of peace in their hearts.

This post was in memory of Michael Widener. Despite everything you will always be in a a portion of my heart. Rest in peace.

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