Sunday, September 7, 2014

Distance

I've been meaning to blog about this topic for a few months now, but have struggled on how to express my feelings about it. I know many of us that are now pregnant have struggled with the guilt etc. and worrying about our friends that are still ttc. I still struggle with this daily. Since I have been on both sides of infertility (as have many of you), I can understand the feelings from both sides. I guess where I differ is, when going through infertility I was still able to be happy for those who became pregnant. This didn't only go for my friends that had struggled for years, it went for friends that never knew what it was like to struggle. I didn't mind attending baby showers, or looking at their children on face book etc. I guess I always felt in my heart that going through infertility was SO unfair, but it was even more unfair for me to treat my pregnant friends or mom friends differently because they had something I wanted. 

I know I have shared this story before, but I feel like I need to share again. My friend years ago got pregnant and for a split second I did have the (normal) jealously that goes along with the announcement. Weeks later she miscarried and I felt like such a stupid asshole for having those feelings about her. If I was a " real" friend then isn't it my job to support her through whatever happens in our lives? I am not going to say for a minute that it doesn't hurt every now and then because I know it does. Since that point I have tried my hardest through the next  few years of infertility to see the positive in everything. It helped me through some dark times. Is this right for everyone? I don't know. It was for me. 

Now I find myself on the other side of the fence. I find myself losing friendships with some of my friends still struggling. Does this bother me? Yes, it bothers me very much. I still think of them and try to be supportive, but don't get any support on my pregnancy. I do feel it is very unfair. I often wonder if these woman that turn off the support once you get pregnant will expect support during their pregnancies? I will support a friend regardless, like I always have, but I feel it is very unfair to have support and then to get pregnant and be treated like you have a transmittable disease. I want people to know that once you get pregnant, we still have feelings also. 

I am not sure if this is a fixable gap between the two? Can either side (pregnant or still ttc sit back and be able to have relationships with each other, after we have transitioned to the other side? Am I suppose to let these friendships go? Am I suppose to stop supporting my friends that are still struggling because they have done so too me? This is a very hard situation and I hate it. 

I honestly feel like I put in my time and I deserve to be pregnant with my girls. I also feel that you should be supportive of friends if you are truly a good friend. Not to say that it is always easy, but it is what makes the difference between a friend and people just choosing to be friends until it doesn't fit in their lives anymore.

Either way, it has really effected me and upset me over the past months when I see and hear less and less from people I thought were my friends. I do hope that in life all of us find our happiness regardless. I always wish the best for my fellow infertiles and I always think of you ladies. Just because I am on the other side of the fence, please know that all the struggles, hurt, anger and sadness never fully goes away. I do remember what it was like and that will never change.

23 comments:

  1. I was just talking to DH about this as I noticed I lost a few FB friends that I know are in the trenches. I understand how they feel and don't begrudge them their feelings; however, I wish they had sent me a message letting me know they were going to do this. Just a quick congrats but I need to not see this for awhile or something like that. But, they didn't and I'm sad. They cheered me on and although im(we) are on the other side does not mean I want to stop being there for them.

    ReplyDelete
  2. This is such a hard one, and I am not that good friend! However, I really think it depends on each friend individually for me. Knowing how I have distanced or even cut people out of my life, I sometimes wondered if anyone would ever be happy for me when I got pregnant. If they weren't there, I knew that would be fair, but I needed to do what I needed to do to self preserve. Unfortunately I think, for me, there will always be pregnancies that sting from the fertile world.

    You have been supportive of us still ttc though, and I have noticed that! Thank you! I hope I have been able to give you some support too during your pregnancy!
    You are amazingly strong and your friends are so lucky to have you as their friend!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Perfectly said, I feel the same way. Should we only support each other until somebody becomes pregnant? No, but unfortunately that happens a lot. I've had my jealousies in the past before too, and I feel so guilty b/c when I became pregnant, how could I expect those same women to be happy fo me when I couldn't be happy for them, TRULY happy, like they deserved.

    I feel like I've been on a journey of growth since my loss last summer and I see things so much differently now than I did before. I wouldn't trade this journey for anything. Xxo

    ReplyDelete
  4. Though I'm on the other side, I still can remember how difficult it was to feel left behind because of infertility. It was never about not being happy for my friends. But honestly T, there were times it just hurt too much. The space came because I wasn't doing well. Shitty, yes. But sometimes you need to protect yourself.

    I'm sorry that people you formed a relationship are pulling away. It hurts and you need the support. But I do believe that in situations like this, sometimes we need to give people the space they need.

    Hang in there. Keep being a shining example ( honestly you are) and know you are far from alone.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Beautifully said. I feel very much like you - generally no issues with baby showers, etc. That said a friend's pregnancy announcement (especially an unexpected one) can knock the wind out of me and take a little time to process.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Thank you for sharing this and reminding me to pull my head out of my tush sometimes. I tend to wallow too long in my self-pity or jealousy and become too stubborn to really allow myself to feel super happy and excited for people. Although I really truly am happy, I tend to have a hard time showing it and expressing it. XOXOXOX

    ReplyDelete
  7. Thank all of you for your honesty on this post. I know that we are react and process feelings differently. I try to understand that. I just wish we could all get our babies and no one had to deal with the hurt and pain of infertility or the feelings that come along with a pregnancy after infertility.

    ReplyDelete
  8. I second what Morgan said. I am truly happy for any lady that makes it to the other side, maybe there is a little sting there but ultimately it gives me hope :) I try to remain just as supportive although I know I probably fail. I have also noticed for those who do become pregnant I may not hear much from them anymore and that's ok. The thing is that is totally understandable because what they now relate to is pregnancy and those who are pregnant where as those of us still waiting are looking for others still waiting. Not to say that those who come out of IF forget, because I know that is not the case at all it's just that I think we may read more of what we are dealing with in the moment. I am not good at being able express what is in my head on paper so I hope this comment comes out the way I mean it. :) I will continue to follow your journey very happily! HUGS to you and those sweet girls!!

    ReplyDelete
  9. I know I'm personally much better about this in blog world than I am in real life. Whenever one us of infertile ladies FINALLY crosses over, though it sometimes still stings a little, I'm definitely excited for them. When one of my friends gets pregnant after trying for two weeks, I'm a little less so.

    Although my blog commenting goes in phases...I try to still follow along, but I don't always have time to comment or write when I'm in the midst of a busy time of life or work. Sometimes when a blogger got pregnant, I would feel less qualified to comment, as I had no experience or anything to contribute. I would still read and wish them well, but did sort of fade into the background.

    I can't wait to see those beautiful girls of yours, T, but I do hope they stay in there a bit longer.

    ReplyDelete
  10. I'm not sure why but, some affect me more than others. And for some reason, it seems a bit arbitrary.
    I came to know you and your blog after you were already pregnant so it's easy to be thrilled for you.

    You've been so supportive to me and I'll continue to offer support whenever I can.

    But, can I say that about any blogger I've been following? I'm no so sure. But again, I can't say why or even who.

    ReplyDelete
  11. I'm one of the ones that has (had?) a hard time dealing with pregnancies amongst bloggy friends. I always tried my best to offer support when it was needed, but I know there were times when I failed at that. Other times, I just couldn't relate to their posts anymore (ie. asking for advice on morning sickness, or some other pregnancy issue for example) and I felt like I had nothing to contribute. I like to think that I was always there as a shoulder to lean on when they had fears or problems, though. I guess I was maybe the opposite of a fair weather friend? I'm always envious of the people who can put their own issues aside and be unfailingly happy for everyone all the time. It's a quality I greatly admire in you!

    ReplyDelete
  12. You and I are so alike in this. I've never understood how people had to distance themselves and couldn't be happy for their friend. I've had a few situations where certain announcements have bit me hard, but ultimately I still supported them, and I've ALWAYS loved the babies. I have noticed a major drop off in my readership base and comments now that my babies are several months old. I feel like people supported me through infertility and my pregnancy, but now I'm just not that interesting to them. My favorite thing about blogging is the interaction, so it's hard to lose that. Although I also haven't had the time to blog and comment as much, so I figure it goes hand in hand.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Not sure if I have commented on your blog before but here goes. I have a 19 year old son who was conceived using a lot of reproductive medicine. At the time I was going through infertility not much was known about it and IVF had only been around for about 17 years - that's 36 years ago now. It was and still is an experiment because everyone responds in their own unique way. All that is to say that I didn't have a lot of resources like you do now ie blogs etc. I felt so alone in my struggle. It seemed everyone else could get pregnant with so little difficulty. Yes, I was consumed with jealousy for those who it came to so easily. Until one day I realized that my pain and hurt were exactly that my pain. I decided at that moment that I would release myself from those feelings. I began to enjoy others happiness, I knit baby outfits for those who were expecting just like I did before I started TTC. Only then did my body allow me to become pregnant. Just like each of us respond differently to the meds we respond in our own unique way to the positive result of a pregnancy. We each have to find our own place in life to be positive even when it seems it can never be positive. Be there for them when they come around or say a little prayer (or whatever spiritual thing you do) for them if they can't.

    You will find in life that you will have friends who are there for you through thick and thin, the ones who are there to hold you up when you struggle and to rejoice when you succeed. Then there are the friends you meet along the way who are there for you in that specific time - they help you with what you are going through in that moment and move along when you no longer need them or they no longer need you. I know it hurts to lose those friends but they were put in your path for a very specific purpose. Look back in your life and you will see those people along your path. Look to the side and you will see the friends that were always with you and will continue to be with you for life. They are the ones you need to embrace in this season of adjustment.

    I follow infertility blogs now because I have been there and this is a time in my life where I feel I can offer support and hope to those still in the trenches. I can rejoice in each of your pregnancies because I am not in that place in my life anymore where hurts to see a pregnant woman or a newborn child. I am complete.

    ReplyDelete
  14. I totally agree with everything you wrote but I am not strong enough to do them. I can't go to baby showers and when I was pregnant at the same time as one of my best friends and I miscarried and she didn't, I didn't see her for the remaining 8 months. Is that wrong? Yes, I know it is but it's just too hard for me. I can't put myself through it even though I know I shouldn't feel that way. I even find myself skipping over the pregnancy blogs because I don't understand why I am the only one on the blog roll that's still ttc with no end in sight. I know it's selfish and I wish I wouldn't feel this way. Your way of thinking has inspired me to try to be happy for others but I'm not sure if I can do it! When I talk to my husband about our next steps he doesn't want to talk about it so I guess I won't be joining the preggo club ever now. :( This is so hard.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I know you hear this from many people Lyndsey and wouldn't say it if I didn't believe it. I truly feel in my heart that you are going to be a mom. I know how it feels with all the disappointment and thinking it isn'tgoing to happen, but you never know which cycle is going to be your success. I think about you all the time. I want to keep hope alive for you.

      Delete
  15. CONGRATS ON YOUR BABY GIRLS!!! They were REALLY great weights for 30 weeks. I'm so happy for you. I hope they thrive and grow quickly so they can bust out of there! Cannot wait to see pictures! Praying for you and those sweet baby girls!!!

    ReplyDelete
  16. I just read Cristy's post...Congratulations! So very happy for you. Sending lots of hugs to you, Al, Cierra, Lilah and Olivia!

    ReplyDelete
  17. "I often wonder if these woman that turn off the support once you get pregnant will expect support during their pregnancies?" <-- This, exactly. I supposed I'm inclined to RAH RAH RAH this post because I was the same as you -- some jealously of others while TTC, but I still wholly supported anyone who got pregnant / started parenting because DAMMIT that is the end goal for all of us, right? I've never understood the mentality of not supporting others... but expecting support in return. Weird. Anyway, just wanted to say I LOVE this post, and congrats on your twins - Cristy said they're here! I'll be praying they are strong enough to leave the NICU soon.

    ReplyDelete
  18. I have tried to leave messages but I'm being rejected as junk mail...lol congrats on this beautiful blessings aaaaaammmmmaaaazing job ! Pictures ASAP! Hope all is doing well living on love
    ,

    ReplyDelete
  19. Thank for all the support ladies!

    ReplyDelete
  20. Congratulations on the arrival of your girls!

    This is an interesting topic - I'm here from Mel's Round-Up. I think back (more than ten years ago now) to when I was going through infertility, experiencing losses, and then having to come to terms with the fact I'd never have children. Some pregnant friends (online and in real life) were suddenly so obsessed with their pregnancies that anything and everything else in life was suddenly irrelevant, and I felt there was no place for me. Others were easy to be happy for, and never made me feel bad. I've tried to put my finger on what it was they did that was different, and I just can't. It came down to attitude. How they approached me, whether they were condescending or not, whether they were in any way sensitive of others, etc. And ultimately it came down to how close we were. I felt it was easier to distance myself from those who had never provided me with much support, who hadn't been particularly sensitive, who hadn't forged a real bond.

    It wasn't so much jealousy - someone else's pregnancy has no bearing on whether I could or could not get pregnant - as feeling inadequate, lacking, less than. A reminder of what I had loss, and could never have. And when your reserves are down, and you're hating yourself for not being able to achieve what even other infertile people seem to manage to achieve, then distance was the only option to survive.

    It's not really personal, but of course feels very personal to the one you're distancing yourself from. And I think most of us are aware of this. I wish there was an easy answer.

    ReplyDelete
  21. here from Mel's round-up. This is a tough one. I can really only speak to my perspective, which is that I find it easier to be happy for IFfers that get pregnant rather than fertiles....I know that isn't truly fair or reasonable but it's where I'm at mentally. Maybe I'll get over it. I always kept following IFfers who became pregnant and then parents because I like to try to have a balanced perspective - it's good to know that people do achieve parenthood. And I'm lucky in that lots of people have kept reading and commenting on the blog; although if I don't see comments regularly from people who are still TTC, I don't blame them. I'm much more likely to feel jealous/alienated from people who conceive easily (or whom I perceive conceive easily...not saying I always know the whole story). The reminder that some people have it so easy brings to mind the expense/anxiety/grief/fear of our IF experiences....things that I can more easily set aside when I am relating to other IFfers and can appreciate our good luck as well as bad luck.

    ReplyDelete
  22. This is tough. I have to say as someone who has never been on that side while I've watched virtually everyone cross over that I really admire your ability to set your pain aside over the years and attend showers, etc. However, I sort of feel like...yeah, I'm so happy for women and their pregnancies of all kinds, but maybe seek out that kind of support from a person who doesn't find themselves cut wide open and bleeding on the floor from giving it. People deal with grief and loss in all different ways, and I just know that there's no good reason why I should have to attend a baby shower. I will call; I will send gifts; I will think happy thoughts, but I don't want to talk about the kicking and the nursery and the swollen ankles because it makes me feel like I'm dying. Just saying.

    ReplyDelete