Struggling

I have been thinking about this post and rather I should write it or not. After emailing a good blogging friend (although never met in real life, she is such a huge support to me). I told her I am struggling and not wanting to say much about it. Everyone around me is pregnant or working on getting pregnant and I feel like I am sitting in an endless black hole filled with nothing! I am struggling to be positive and I am struggling to look forward to see what life has in store for me. As of right now, I just can't see anything. I am feeling pretty crappy and hopeless and I haven't felt like this in years (to this point). If you are a fellow blogger friend and are pregnant, please know this isn't anything bad about you, it is only about me and feeling so lost on what to do or where to go. I think the biggest blessing is seeing a fellow friend suffering from infertility get pregnant. 

Today is 54 days since my miscarriage. No ovulation No period. 

My sister sent me a text last night asking if I researched Dr. Kim. I told her yes and asked why. She responded that she had also and was very impressed with her research and then she said " You must go see her! She will be the one to help you move forward or give you a baby". I have been thinking about that statement all day. She is right though. As all of you know, I have lost total faith in my RE. The only reason I am staying with him at this point is because he can prescribe me medications. As far as treatments, we are done giving them money and getting nothing in return. This last week really sealed the deal for me. Who perscribes an hcg shot for a 26 mm follicle with only a E2 level in the 40's? Really is there even an explanation for that? I do trust him to do my surgery and that is where it ends. I think after two ivfs, 5 iui's, countless TI cycles, and 5 miscarriages things need to change.

Is holding on to hope that Dr. Kim can help me "move forward or give me a baby" to much? Am I expecting more out of her than I should? After being let down so many times through my current clinic and NO answers on what is wrong with us, besides of course "the bad eggs" generic response. Am I truly expecting to much from this visit?  

I do know one thing in my heart without a second guess. Al and I will be okay without a baby together. We will continue to readjust our lives and thrive. Will I still in moments have a sadness that we couldn't have a child together? Of course I will. That will always be with me. I think regardless what happens I will always want a child. I just might have to accept that I can't have one.

Please universe I have truly paid my dues. Is there any end in sight? Lets just start with something easy. Please, Please send me a period! And if it isn't asking to much, either this week or in two weeks, but not next week during my 3 year anniversary get a way with my husband who truly needs some intimate time with his wife......

Any bets on when period will show? LOL my $ says next week just to rub it in :)

Anyway thanks for all the support and listening to me flood the whine gates today. I really needed to get it out and have someone listen. 

Totally unrelated, but here is a pic of our yard after a huge rain storm yesterday evening: