Back to the basics

Well ladies I broke down a few days ago and contacted my clinic. Do you remember how I said we were going to take a "Complete" break from ttc until our next ivf in September? Ok well that is still mostly true. I talked to the nurse and asked if it would be ok that I went back on the clomid while we were waiting. After talking to my RE she said he was fine with that, but only (3) cycles un-monitored. I am sitting here giggling to myself that I am going all the way back to the beginning with clomid. I guess in my mind I just want to know that I have some kind of chance within the next few months. Am I completely crazy? Anyway I will start next month and continue throughout June. I think my surgery will be in July and I will start my bcp in August for ivf.

I am definitely going back to the basics :)

Wild Thang

Ok here is the back story for the title of my blog today. When I was seventeen and full of rebellion I decided that getting tattoos sounded really cool. At the time I wasnt living at home, instead with a roommate. We knew a guy that did home made tattoos and it was FREE! Ok looking back at this story so far I can see a few indicators that this wasnt the best idea. We both got tattoos on our boob region, hers said "sweet thang" and mine said "wild thang". I have no idea why in the hell we picked "thang" instead of "thing". I would say we thought it was cool, but that was a big time oversight. The same night we got tattoos on our ankles (which since then I had re-done professionally). We also questioned getting one on our butts (thank goodness we stopped at the two). Ok, long story short..... After a few years of this tattoo peaking at me in the mirror and boyfriends giggling like school girls due to the fact I was "wild thang", I decided this was a bad, bad idea. Of course we all know that unfortnantely tattoos are not done with washable ink. Fast forward to the age of almost 37 and I am anything but "wild thang". For many years now I keep it covered and wear grandma bathing suits, etc. Yesterday I bit the bullet and called Advanced Aesthetics here in Oklahoma City. I go in next Tuesday to start the long, expensive, painful process of removing Miss "wild thang". This is something I wanted to do forever but the cost is unreal. It is costing me $75 per sq inch and my tattoo is 3 inches so that is $225 per session and it could take up to 15 sessions. Do you remember this was a free tattoo? LOL. Seriously though it is worth the cost and pain to have it removed and I am so happy. Here is a pic of it and believe I only have a hand full of pics over the years where you can actually see this boob beast.

Enjoy........................

BTW do you remember those conversations that go like this? "Now you know these are forever, are you sure you want this?"

Yeah wish I did.

My Husband

I know I always brag and gloat on my husband, as does many other woman. Throughout this journey I have come to realize that it takes a very special man to endure this trying time. I would like to tell you the story of my husband Al and how we fell in love:

I met Al when I was 33 almost 34. I was at the point in my life that I was literally done with men. No I wasnt thinking about switching sides I was just done. My best friend Julie discussed with me one day that we join either roller derby or womans ice hockey. Well I remember roller skating when I was young, isnt it just like riding a bike? We show up to practice our first time and meet all of the "catty bitches" seriously. I knew from the get go this wasnt my cup of tea. I didnt want to let my best friend down so I stuck with it. About a week into practice we met Al. He was a ref for the team and actually drove an hour and half one a week after work to ref for this team. He seemed really nice and down to earth, unlike almost everyone else on the team. Ok I wont lie, I never in a million years thought he was my type. Him and my best friend started IM'ing and becoming friends. She asked me to add him to my messenger and I did. We started talking about everything and found we talked everynight after work until later in the evening. Julie said to me one day that Al would be a good guy for me and I was like nope I am done. We talked more and more and hung out at practice. One night Julie and her boyfriend were going to hiabichi and said that Al and I should go. I didnt consider it a date and I even paid for my own meal. We all had a great time and after dinner Al and I decided to go out for a few drinks. I wont lie I ended up with way more then a few drinks.

THIS IS THE PART OF MY BLOG WHERE I PROMISED TO BE 100% HONEST AND  I AM. YOU MAY WANT TO TURN BACK NOW.

Ok this will reflect badly on me but it is the truth. After drinks, Cierra was spending the night with a friend and I was drunk. One thing led to another and we totally slept together. After it was a done deal, I had alot of reservations about what took place and pretty well thought we wouldnt talk again. I was wrong. We picked up talking and spending time together for many months after that. I still wasnt thinking about a relationship but was really enjoying having company. One night he asked me if we were exclusive or if I would consider being exclusive with him. I had to think about this, LOL yes I really did. I didnt want a relationship and drama and most likely the failure of another relationship. I did say yes.  Fast forward a year later Al asked me to marry him and of course I said yes. We moved in together about 2 months before we got married. Get this, he didnt believe in someone living together before marriage but (please see first and second sentence of this paragraph) Uh huh.

Meeting and marrying Al was the best decision I have ever made. I could never ask for a better more loving, caring, compassionate, funny person. I am truly blessed to have this man in my life. The only regret I have is we didnt meet earlier in our lives. Maybe we would have had a real shot at a baby.

With this story I want to leave you with a picture of Al and my niece Briley back when we were dating. I think this picture says everything about him.

Blast from the past

Let me introduce myself and Cierra. I was 22 in this picture and wow does it bring back memories. In this picture it is obvious that I have no worries and I am a completely happy, unaware, young mother. When I look at this picture I think of all the things I did wrong raising Cierra. All the things I could have done differently. I could have given her more love, I could have given her a more stable life, I could played a more active roll. All the things I had no clue about back then. Now she is almost 15 and half grown and I face the very real possiblity that she will grow up being the only child and I will never be able to let go.

Sorry this wasnt one of my happy go lucky post. I am really trying to prepare myself for no more children and it sucks. It also makes me want to hold onto Cierra and never let her go. I wonder if she would just stay at home until she is like 40? 

Shouldnt Complain

I know that I really shouldnt complain, but I am not used to this. Since my retrieval which was weeks ago, I am losing weight. I have zero appeitite and have dropped about 5 lbs in the last few weeks. Has anyone else went though this after ivf? I have also noted that my headaches are in full swing again, along with bad shortness of breath and dizziness. I am guessing it is probably my anxiety coming back full force after the last couple weeks. The only thing that makes me think differently is my complete loss of appeitite. Usually with my anxiety I want to eat.

Any feedback would be helpful. I guess on this current track I will be skinny enough to possibly wear a bikini on our Mexico trip.

A little gardening.....

Well yesterday after my husband went to Lowes and found top soil for 98 cents/40lb bag, my day was planned. I went through and cleaned out all of the flower beds. Al built me two new ones, they still need stained but looking good for his first time. These are just a few pics of our project yesterday.

Now next weekend I will be ready to plant all of our flowers!


Side Note: I am still coming to the realization that our ivf didnt work. For the most part I have spent my time trying to think about other things and fill my days so I dont have to deal with it. The more I think about it the more depressed I become on the real possibility that we wont ever have a child together. On our road trip the other day we had a very long talk on when enough was enough. We decided after our next ivf, if it fails we may give iui's a try again for a few times and possibly save up enough money for one more ivf within the next two years. My husband did give me an age at when we were done and I agreed.

The Photo Challenge

I am going to do something similar to the photo challenge starting now and going through April. There will be a few differences. I will not use a list to post my pics. I want to post just random pictures on here of wonderful things in my life. I also might not post pics everyday either. Since there isn't anything going on with me in the ttc world, I figured this would help pass a month.

Yes we woke up and decided to take a cue from a friend of mine that went on a short day trip. We packed up our stuff and traveled down to the Texas/Oklahoma border and went to the WinStar World Casino. This place is absolutely enormous! It has many different sections split out and decorated like different part of the world (pretty cool). My husband and I found a game called "Playboy" on the screen it has Hugh Hefner and the bunnies. If you hit a decent amount then a bunny would pop up on the screen and shake her tail or boobs at you. We laughed so hard! I lost a lot of money and my husband actually won a few hundred. The game was so entertaining it was hard to walk away. After gambling for most of the day we went to Turner Falls (tourist spot in Oklahoma with a waterfall). I have been there a hundred times or more, but its always so pretty to see the waterfall. I tried craw-fish tails for my first time and have to say they were very good! We ended the day with my favorite bbq place in Oklahoma/Texas. The name of the place is Rudy's and its actually a country store in a gas station and has the best brisket ever! We originally found this place in Texas while on a short trip. Yummy. So in short, we had a pretty cool weekend.

So today I leave you with a picture of Turner Falls and my awesome brisket.

( Just so you know I didn't take this picture yesterday, but this is Turner Falls)

( All I can say is Yummy. LOL)

Last night when we got home, the sky was so beautiful and amazing. Its moments like this in life that you really need to stop and appreicate.

Todays Drama

Let me start off by saying I dont not like drama. Now with this being said I have decided not to delete my earlier controversial post. The biggest reason for this decision is, I dont feel I did anything wrong. I blogged about a very personal emotional breakdown that I had in one brief moment. I said something that of course isnt something I would ever say or refer to a person as. I am not racist, I dont make a habit of walking around making fun of others. If any person following my blog can honestly in thier hearts state they have NEVER made a comment that was found by some to be offense, politically incorrect and/or of bad taste in a horrible situation, then by all means judge what I said and if it makes you feel better we can have a public hanging.

From this point forward I want to make something very clear about me and about my blog. I will always write what happens in my life and I wont censor it to keep from offending someone. I will write about raw emotions and feelings I am having. I will write about anger and frustration, I will cuss, I might use some offensive words (which may I add will NEVER be geared towards a innocent person). If this is something that doesnt sound like your cup of tea or think that I am trashy, ignorant or a so called red-neck, please do both of us a favor and delete my blog. You may also request that I dont follow your blog and I will respect your wishes.

One thing that will not be tolerated from this point forward is anyone coming on my personal space and attacking me. I have been forced to review all comments before publishing to keep this from happening in the future.

Please take a moment and think about what I just said. If you choose to keep following me, that means a lot and I really appreciate your support and friendship.

Thanks,

Tonisha

Changing Direction

Well I guess the time has come for my blog to change direction. As you all know, we have decided to put off our second ivf until September. This means six months blogs that will be filled with alot of boring thoughts and moments, lol. When we made the decision to take this time off, we made the decision to take off 100%. We will not be temping, charting, using ovulation kits etc. I want to spend this time with my husband, daughter, family and friends. We have planned a two year anniversary trip to Cozumel and we are also going to San Antonio in a few weeks. I plan on doing A LOT of camping this summer and visiting Beavers Bend. We are also planning on watching our diets, exercise and vitamin supplements to prepare our bodies for our next try. This next go around I don't think I will be doing acupuncture. After doing it this time for 8 weeks prior to ivf and still having shitty eggs, I really don't see the point. I might even go out on a limb and call acupuncture bullshit for egg quality improvement. I definitely believe it helps with stress and relaxation, but I can do that at home for a lot less then $1,000.

I really hope that you guys keep following me and I don't lose a lot of followers due to some down time and borderline boring posts that have nothing to do with infertility and cycling. I will definitely be following everyone through their new pregnancies etc.

Btw, thank you so much for all the comments on my post yesterday concerning my wtf appointment. There were so many wonderful suggestions. I also loved the fact that so many of you made me look at things differently. You may be right, maybe I shouldn't be down in the dumps about bad eggs. It is obvious that there were many contributing factors to why this cycle failed. I am going to walk away from this first failure with the mindset of .................... (this wasn't a complete failure, we learned and will move on from here). I also think that this break we decided to take will play a positive roll going back into this later. Although I did break down last night at the dinner table and had tears following into my cheesy bacon chicken. My husband asked what was wrong and I guess it all hit me at one time. I burst out that I couldnt believe our eggs were retarded and mutated. I do apologize because I dont usually use that word and I definitely dont mean any offense by it. That is what happened to come out of my mouth in a moment of weakness. I was so devasted that the one thing that is not fixable regarding infertility was happening to us. This is where all the wonderful comments came into play and really helped me move through this moment.

The point has always remained and will never change. Life is not fair. Some things we can not change and have to find away to move forward and accept what we can work with.

WTF Meeting

Ok I just got done with my wtf meeting with my doctor over the phone. He personally called me after I wouldnt answer my phone all afternoon because I didnt want to hear results. Here it is:

1.  I do have a egg quality issue. He mentioned that the both sets of eggs fertilized at the same rate from ICSI and natural. After day three they noticed multi-nucleated cells in almost all of our embryos. He then said something that it was due to the stimulation medications. He said next time we would start of medications slowly. I am guessing that we grew my follicles to fast and it caused mutation of some sort? If you have any idea of what I am talking about please let me know, because I am still confused. He did say that next cycle we will probably still only have one or two good embryos if that.

2. The transfer was very invasive and tramatic and that could be a huge issue. As you know my transfer took over an hour and a half. There are ridges on my uterus and he couldnt get the cathedar through without a lot of time and it irritated my uterus and possibly causes trama. We didnt have a choice on that though. He wants to do another surgery before our second ivf to hopefully clear out ridges on my uterus and if that doesnt work then possibly do the transfer going through my abdomen.

3. My progesterone was 29 today which is the highest it has ever been. He said next time he will put me on progesterone and estrogen after my retrieval. I am not sure why on that. He said he doesnt usually do that with patients but he was to give us every chance for this to work.

4. We talked about that fact that Al and I are taking 6 months off from ttc and he said that was a wonderful idea. The nurse will put us on schedule for September and I will have my surgery around July or August.


Does this make me feel better? I guess somewhat. Its not easy knowing you have a egg quality issue, infact it makes me feel even more hopeless because this is the one thing you cant change or improve. He did basically tell me that frozen embyros is pretty well out of picture. We need to concentrate on getting one great embryo.

If any of you know anything about the multi nucleated cells and being on estrogen along with progesterone, please let me know. Yes I know I am the worlds worst patient during an WTF appointment. He said we could wait a few days and come in to see him, but in all honesty I didnt want to miss anymore work for infertility at this point. So it was quick thinking on my part.

ICLW First Time

Please bare with me on this. I am still a little confused on the ICLW front, but beginning to understand somewhat.

If you are just now finding my blog, here is a little about me. My husband and I have been ttc for a little over two years now. I suffer from secondary unexplained infertility and my daughter will be 15 this summer. We have had (4) failed iuis with injectable meds and just recently (this week) had our first failed ivf. You arent catching me at my best time in my journey for sure. If you are new to my blog, welcome. Please introduce yourself and I would in return love to follow your journey also.

Beta Day

I have to admit, I didnt think I would be as angry as I was this morning. It really started last night when I had to take my progesterone shot knowing it was for nothing. I looked at my husband and asked if I had to take it, he put his head down with such sorrow in his face and replied no. I walked out of the bedroom and did a few things around the house. Then I thought, No I am going to take this damn shot. I am going to continue doing every single stupid thing the clinic asked me to do. You know why? Because I dont for a single second want to think " what if" so I took the shot and was super pissed the whole time. I woke up this morning with dark brown almost black crap on my liner and it made me more pissed. I drove to my clinic stewing even more the closer I got. I get into my clinic and a couple walking out with a one year old talking about all their great embryos. I open the door to the clinic and low and behold a lady in thier with another baby under one that was screaming and crying. I love children, but this morning was really not my morning that I wanted to be bombarded with kids. I wanted to sit in my clinic with all the other woman just like me, resentful and pissed and where it was nice and quiet. When I finally get called back to blood draw, it was by a nurse who was not already familar with my situation, poor girl. She was all bubbly and happy and bopping around like the fucking energizer bunny. She then asked how my day was going? Well I decided I would spare her from my wrath and said fine. Getting ready for blood draw she looked at me and asked if I was excited. My answer was " well I consider this a huge kick in my gut that I have to come back in here and give blood so I can get an "offical" negative because I obviously dont know my body" She said she was very sorry and asked if I had been testing. Really? No I just figured I would throw this at you for no reason. Anyway I am back at my office now sipping my orange juice and just filled with so much anger.

In other news (happier) news. My friend Sara's appointment is finally here today for her 1st visit with her new RE! Her and her husband have been trying for many years to get pregnant, I am so excited for her! And also my other friend Leigh has her beta today. She is also suffering from secondary infertility and I believe our kids are the same age(teenagers). She had her transfer the day after mine. I am hoping for a BFP because she deserves it. Also my friend Christi will find out Friday if her FET worked and she also is so deserving of a BFP. Keeping my fingers crossed for all of you ladies. Very special woman for sure.


Ok so I am done with my moment for now. I am predicting that my beta will come back at zero. I dont even think that the embryos started to implant. I guess that is the story of my ttc life (non-implanting babies). I will let all of you guys know what the magic number is later this afternoon.

Information Needed.......

Hey ladies I need some information. For those of you who had failed ivf cycles did you experience any of the following?:

Severe cramping, bloating, dark brown spotting?

I started getting these symptons yesterday and have my beta tomorrow. I didnt think it was due to progesterone including I have been on it for almost 3 weeks now. I think my AF is trying to break through, but doctors told me that wouldnt happen.

Any feedback would be greatly appreciated.

9DP5DT & Day before offical BFN

Ok so I will shoot you guys straight. I did get up this morning and use my last FRER, incase of a miracle (even though I dont believe in miracles anymore). Of course it was white as usual. You want to hear something funny? Last night I noticed some brown stuff on the toliet paper when I went to the bathroom. For any infertile we all know that this causes our wheels to start turning. It obviously meant nothing. Oh I also put my offical annoucement on facebook this morning. This is what it said :


"I was going to wait but there is no sense. Our ivf cycle failed and we are taking a break from all of this. It has been an exhausting two years emotionally and very draining. I hope those of you who have never suffered through infertility truly appreciate it. Thanks again for all of you who followed us through this journey and showed us support."


My appointment for beta is at 8:30 tomorrow morning. I have so many things running through my head at this point. I wont lie though ladies, I have given up completely. I feel defeated and last night talking to my sister I told her that I now know that Al and I will not have any kids together. After failed cycle after cycle it has finally wore on me and I am washing my hands of this. We cant get out of our 2nd ivf because of the contract we signed. I will go through it and do whatever and then I am done. We have decided we are waiting on the 2nd ivf until at least August or September and after that, NO more fertility treatments, we are moving on with our lives and figuring out how to live with sharing a baby together.


I know so many of you are wanting to tell me that I dont know what each cycle will bring and that #2 could be the one and be different. I call bullshit. Do you know what are chances were on injectable iuis? around 25% it didnt work, not once. Our chances on ivf were almost 50% and it didnt work. I will no longer be delusional in the fact that we have a good chance of getting pregnant.


This has really changed how I feel about following my blog friends that have went on to get bfps. I am so happpy for them, but yet it hurts so bad. If anyone deserves to get pregnant, it is all of the woman I follow on here that  have suffered through IF. I will not feel resentful against any of you. As much as I want to be one of those woman, I cant think of a group of people that deserve this more. I look forward to following you and seeing the day you guys bring home your little ones.


So on to other news, our honeymoon. I cant tell you what a wonderful distraction this is going to be. We decided on Sabors Resort & Spa in Cozumel Mexico and better yet it is an "adult only" resort. We wont be going until beginning of June. At least that gives me something to look forward to. We are also taking a extended weekender in mid April. My husbands sister is getting married. We are going to leave a few days early and spend the weekend in one of my favorite places, San Antonio (Riverwalk). I am looking forward to that also.

Surprise Honeymoon

I just broke down and decided my husband and I are going to take this time and go on the honeymoon we never had. He doesnt really know this yet, but I am making the executive decision on it. Since we got married our lives are consumed with trying to concieve. I think after countless failed natural cycles, (4) injectable iui's and (1) ivf, it is time. I am looking at Cozumel Mexico. Maybe some fruitty drinks with umbrellas, sun and ocean along with bonding time. I dont think that could be a bad thing. I am going to try to book it for the first week of June.

8DP5DT All hope is gone...

I am sitting here at working doing something I havent done in almost three months, drinking a cup of hot tea with caffiene. I am still trying to come to terms with all of this. Still feeling guilty, angry, and foolish. Honestly when did having a child become such a freaking unreachable goal? I cant even begin to express what a loser I feel like right now. My husband is so supportive but I feel like I have let him down and dont know if I can ever make it right. I wonder if he will have resentment inside that he married someone who couldnt give him a child (the one thing he wanted)? If he did, I couldnt blame him. If he told me tomorrow he wanted a divorce, I wouldnt blame him. I never realized how bad this feels. Ok well I need to quit typing cause im just sitting here at work crying a river and I dont want to explain that to the office when they get in.

I really wish I could just stop taking the progesterone tonight and let things start getting back to what it was before. My husband seems to think there is still a chance. I wish I could be that naive.

Preparing doesnt always prepare ( Bad language)

Well I guess that is a true statement. I have been prepared for the worst since day one. Maybe somewhere in the back of my head I expected a good surprise (god knows we deserve one). Somehow it doesn't make this any easier. It is so hard waking up in the morning just hoping for a bit of a line and seeing nothing. It hurts to spend almost 20k on ivf and it not to work or get frozen embryos. I was wondering in the back of my head if Al and I would be attending the wtf appointment. I am so fucking angry. I am angry at the acupuncturist who said the whole point of acupuncture is to make "grade a eggs". What a fucking joke that is. Out of 17 mature eggs we got 2 grade b's and the rest were c's and d's. Did I just pay an extra 1,000 this cycle for a load full of bullshit? Yes I did. I quit caffeine months in advance, change eating habits, lost weight and did everything I was suppose to. Did that help? Hell no. I fucking hate having unexplained infertility and it really hit me today that I probably wont be able to give my husband a child. I feel like such a fucking loser right now.  That is the one thing he wanted to badly before we got married. Of course I didn't think that would be a problem. Now he is stuck with a complete infertile excuse of a woman. God this is such a horrible feeling.

We talked yesterday about this cycle failing. We agreed that we are going to take a break for a while. It could be 3 months, it could be a year, I don't know. I am going to look at our contract and see if there is a time restriction on it. As of today we have one fresh ivf left and two FET's (which we should mark right off the chart). I am feeling so defeated and just emotionally done with all of this. After this we are financially tapped out and have zero options left. The thought of going back to iui's after failed ivf's seems like a huge waste of time and money. 

And If I hear one more person tell me that its "Gods plan" I will seriously shove my foot down their throat. Going through this process is so cruel and I wouldn't wish it upon my worst enemy and ESPECIALLY not to woman just like me who are good people and trying to have a family.

Well I could go on all day long cussing everyone and everything, but it wont change one damn thing about this whole suck ass situation.

Please don't tell me its early and that things can change. I have done enough research to know that ZERO symptoms, along with stark white pregnancy test this far along is NO good.

I am sorry if anyone thinks I am being a complete Debbie Downer. I am sure most of my posts to follow for a while will sound alot like this one.

I cheated....

Of course I have pretty well contradicted everything I said I would do or not do this cycle. I tested this morning and it was stark white with only one line. I know so many of you are going to tell me how early it still is and with that being said I am going to say how many people have already got bfp on this day.

On a brighter note, we have my sister, brother in law and my two nieces coming over today to help us with some stuff at the house and then a BBQ. That will be a nice distraction. Plus the weather is just truly beautiful here this week. All of my tulips are blooming, so pretty.

 I started this blog today with something depressing and will leave with something that makes me smile.

TGIF

5DPDT:
Nothing exciting going on today. Sympton wise I am about fresh out. My boobs arent the least bit sore. I do have some cramping still and that is about it. I did email my clinic due to my chronically low progesterone and ask them if I am on enough progesterone oil. She assured me they are aware of my issue and the amount im on is more then sufficient. That I shouldnt have any bleeding until I stop, if I am not pregnant. Sorry but I am seriously hesitant on this one. My clinic told me the same thing when I was on the crinone and it didnt stop my bleeding. It started on the same day as it always does. So today is a big day for me. Just waiting to see if it starts today or not.

4DP5DT

Thanks for all the comments yesterday on my post. Please know that I was not bitching about it, I am really just keeping a day by day log of whats going on with my body.

4DPT5DT- I had a few things go on in middle of night. First of all I am still suffering from insomnia. I think this may be day 5 now ( I am agreeing with Rebecca on time change effecting sleep) I had a very sharp pain down stairs last night. I have noticed more twinges today and my ovaries are very noticeable. According to my chart, today the embryo(s) should still be implanting.  Other then that nothing else is going on with me. I know I am not having any of the normal symptons. With that being said I know everyone is different. So we will just see. I started testing this morning to make sure my trigger is gone and it is. I will probably take a test Monday before beta to prepare myself either way.

Thanks for listening.

3DP5DT

3DP5DT- No symptons what so ever.

I lied.......

Ok here is the total truth. I was feeling great the other day, before I found out about no frozen embryos. After that I have lost my shit and I cant seem to get it back together. This is so very frustrating now. Guess what happened yesterday? I got my month "period pimple" yes the one that pops up every month a few days before my AF is due. I am freaking out and I know that is the exact wrong thing to do but I cant help it. Technically AF should be here Friday and I have all of my usual symptons leading up to it.

Geez why cant I get my stuff together? I was so sure of myself the other day and if we would have had good news about freezing, I probably would have continued to feel great today.

I have finished all the work that I missed being gone a week already and I have found myself typing in google " 2DP5DT" and then erasing. I know what is going to happen will happen regardless. I know that worrying about it wont change one thing. I know that this stress isnt good for 2WW but its like I have zero control right now, ugh.

Jeez I have turned into everything I swore I wouldnt! I am so upset with myself at this moment.

Back at Work!

After a week off I am offically a working lady again. Unfortnantely I got a nasty case of insomnia last night. I slept for about an hour total and listened to my husband snore for about seven. I told him this morning I really wanted to put a pillow over his face. I guess it came out a lot meaner then I anticipated because he just looked at me stunned. Of course it could have been my sleep deprived mental state also. My husband snores almost everynight. It is ok if I fall asleep before he gets the wood saw going, if not my nights are long. I finally broke down this morning and told him to make an appointment with a specialist and get signed up for a sleep study because I cant take it anymore.

Well today is 2DP5DT and I was cramping up yesterday evening and some this morning. So nothing to really talk about.

I know yesterday I was very taken back by the news of no freezing. I am so much better today. I guess I was being very selfish and greedy wanting the frozen embryos. We do have another fresh cycle paid for already. Even if we dont get any frozen then at least we were able to get our fresh cycles. I know that many of you are wanting me to concentrate on the task ahead, I am sorry but that is not me. I plan, plan and plan somemore. I will always be this way and I really dont want to change that. Of course it would be wonderful if this cycle is a success and I dont have to plan for another one :)

Well I better tackle the mound of papers on my desk today.

No Popcicles

Well I just received the dreaded news from clinic and we didn't have any left to freeze. There are so many negative thoughts that I could express right now, but I am choosing not too. I will just wait for this cycle to end and go from there.

UPDATED:

My sweet naive husband. I called to let him know we didn't have any left to freeze and he was shocked. Later in conversation he says: "Well I looked at the paper the doctor had on embryos during our transfer, it said the two they transferred were B's and there was one c and the rest D's.  My response, well sweetie I wish you would have told me that and today wouldn't have been such a shocker. Here I was thinking we had good embryos and now I should truly be happy that we got 2 good quality ones out of that .

Pure Happiness 1DP5DT

This picture pretty well explains how I woke up this morning. I feel fantastic and then some! Is it because the ivf treatment is over for right now? Let me say that it was NOT what I expected. Even reading other post from woman going through the same thing, it was just not anything I thought it would be. I know the 2WW in general is usually the stress out time, not for me. I am going to enjoy every single minute of it. I will try my best not to put all of my symptoms or lack of under a microscope. I already know in my head that what is going to happen, will, regardless of how I stress. As of this moment right here I am so Happy and I feel so free and like a normal person again.

As far as early testing? I have at least six boxes of FRER in my bathroom because I was completely obsessed with early testing, until now. Its actually funny, reading all the blogs the last few weeks I couldn't understand why some people didn't want to test early. I knew that would drive me crazy. I was wrong, I totally get it now. I want to stay right where I'm at emotionally for as long as possible. I might test a day or two early just to prepare myself for what is to come on the 21st, or not.

I wont sit here and say I'm PUPO, but I have been implanted with two wonderful little growing cells that hopefully will turn into our little one or two. And as of now that is all I can ask for.

I hope everyone has a great day. Keeping my fingers crossed for Leigh, if everything is okay she will be going in for her transfer today! I know she was having some possible OHSS problems and I am hoping it is gone or good enough to proceed.

Meet my embryos, Boomer and Sooner

Well we ended up with Grade BB embryos and I am pretty darn happy about that. As some of you know I am a HUGE OU fan and I love my Sooners. It was only fitting I name my two embryos, Boomer & Sooner!

Well transfer was as expected, Difficult. It took over hour in a half . We were all prepared for this going in so it wasn't a huge shock. For some reason the pathway to my uterus doesn't like foreign invaders, (Hence that could be why I am still working on getting pregnant). After about hour he was finally able to get the catheter to break through. Huge sigh of relief on my part until I found out only one embryo decided to come out so then we started the procedure all over again. After it was all said and done the doctor told me I had been his most difficult patient in many years. Score! I knew I was extremely special. So that about wraps things up for today. I figured since I have already missed four days of work, I will also take tomorrow off for good measure. My acupuncturist did his mojo and now I am at home looking at Boomer and Sooner.

Progesterone Hell

I obviously am not as tough as I thought I was. I am in progesterone hell and see no end. The shots themselves aren't bad but the after math (including day after) is horrendous! I have tried the rubbing massage, ice before, heat oil, heating pad. I didn't sleep all night and I couldn't even walk this morning! I have ALWAYS considered myself to have a high tolerance for pain. Maybe I was wrong all these years. Because I am crying like a baby today, the pain just wont go away and its shooting down my leg into my foot and around my hips into my stomach.  I called my clinic but they don't answer the phones on weekends so I guess I will wait until I go in tomorrow for transfer to see if there is a trick that im not aware of that will get me through this. At this moment right now I freaking hate fertile myrtle and woman like her! In fact I would like to jam a huge ass needle in their ass filled with oil........... sorry just very bitter and extra pussy this morning. Well Im off to bed again to sit on a heating pad and pop more Tylenol.

Transfer Update

As you know my clinic called and changed me to a 5 day transfer which will be at 9:00 am on Sunday. I didn't really know what questions to ask so here is the information I have as of today. I have (7) embryos that are a grade B+ and she said that could change daily. Meaning they could be grade A tomorrow. All fifteen are still growing and dividing. Two of them are on the bottom of growing though. This makes me a very happy girl. I am also happy that I will have an extra day to hopefully heal more before transfer. I was scared today. I didn't know how in the heck he was getting anything up my lady parts with the amount of pain I am in. I am just really happy that I have (7) super stars right now.

Transfer was moved to day 5

Honest Post

I am probably crazy for doing this but I wanted to post a "not so cute" picture of me. This is a picture of me this morning. I wont lie, I haven't showered since Tuesday and yes I know its Friday. In fact I have melted chocolate chips on my sweat pants from cookies Al made me yesterday, I think. Just so you know it takes ALOT of I don't give a crap for me to post this picture today. I think it is an important part of my journey and regardless how much it sucks right now, I want to remember it. I will shower today before my appointment. It could be possible I have chocolate chips stuck to my thighs or something.

Day of my Transfer

Well its 7:32 am Oklahoma time and I am sitting here a nervous wreck. I feel like I want to puke! Everything I have worked so hard for is here, wow what a huge moment. I am not sure how I feel at all. I am so afraid to get attached to the little embryos in fear that they might not make it. I know, I know try to stay positive. I have said from day 1 that I would always be realistic about this situation and I plan on staying that way. I will do everything possible for them to have a wonderful, calming, comfortable place to stay for nine months. On the other hand I also have to prepare myself that for some reason they wont be able to stay. After transfer today I wont be using the word "PUPO" I just don't think that word fits into my situation. I guess in my mind the day I take my blood test and if it is loaded with hcg then I will be pregnant. Until then I have picked up two little hitchhikers and hoping to take them home with me :)

My dizziness and nausea seems to be better this morning. I originally thought I would go back to work on Thursday and that never happened. I do have a horrible pain down in my lady parts though. The best way to describe where its at is if you go straight south from belly button and its on the inside. I hasn't stopped hurting since my retrieval on Tuesday. I am a little scared how its going to feel today with speculum and cathedar filled with liquid gold. I guess even if it hurts I just need to deal with it, huh. 

Sorry for my horrible mood within the last few days. I just don't feel like myself at all and I don't have any way to explain it.  I will update when I have my transfer done.

My Embies?

I am having such a hard time wrapping my head around the idea of "my embies". It is so much easier picturing other woman on here going through ivf and the 2ww with "their" embies. Such a weird concept for me to swallow. Guess I better work on that and fast, huh.

Thanks for all the kind words about my transfer tomorrow. I am still in shock I guess. It is so hard to picture myself tomorrow PUPO. I cant believe I am having such denial about all of this.

3 Day Transfer

I just received a call from my clinic and they are going to do a (3) day transfer. I was not happy at first but she assured me that a three day and a five day have the same success rates at my clinic. She said as of right now I have 7 that are looking perfect. Something about 3 to 7 cells. I was told that they had picked out the best two and wanted to implant them tomorrow. I was also told not to worry because they look great. I cant help it though. I was always under the impression that you had three day transfer if they didn't look as they would make it until five. Oh well I cant change things. I am set for transfer at 2:00pm tomorrow. I still feel like shit to say the least and really couldn't think of any questions to ask her besides the success rate on three day to five day. I hope that the others continue to grow and look good so we can freeze. IF anyone knows anything about the difference on the day of transfer I would love to know.

Self Explanitory

This sign pretty well explains me to the "T" after retrieval. I still haven't went back to work, ugh. I thought I was going to go back today and it didn't happen. I am feeling better and haven't gained anymore weight. My lady stuff is killing me! I am not sure why but when I lay in bed and try to stretch.... omg it hurts. Oh does anyone have suggestions on the progesterone shots because the northern region of my ass is hurting also :) I have to agree that the initial shot doesn't hurt but I think the after effects aren't that nice. Just remember as you sit here and read my griping for the day, I gave you fair warning with the big W above. I will work very hard today to get my stuffing together and move on to the "productive member of society" status tomorrow.

Still waiting to hear my fertilization report. I haven't googled it so I wont really know what is what when they call me.

Ok I am done complaining for this morning.

The BIG Report

23 Retrieved Yesterday
17 were mature
15 fertilized

My doctor said they usually only expect 50% to fertilize so we are looking good. Now just keep growing!

Thanks for all the wonderful comments yesterday. I think I have a mild case of OHSS. I have gained two pounds and am dizzy. Hopefully I will feel better tomorrow.  I also need to catch up on blogs soon. Big congrats to Jules with her bfp and to Leigh on her wonderful egg retrieval!

Quick Retrieval Update

They got 23. I just made it home and im going to lay down. I am  having a good amount of pain and also loopy from pain meds. We will have update tomorrow on how many were mature and how many fertilized.

Lucky Socks and No Makeup

Getting ready to head in for retrieval. I just wanted to say thanks to Christy for my lucky socks and here is a pic of me with no makeup going out in public! Yikes :) Oh and dont laugh too hard at the fact I took a pic of my lucky socks with shoes. Its called laziness.

 (Of course I am wearing an OU shirt also)

(Those look like some good egg making legs to me!)

23 hours and Counting........................

23 hours and counting until our retrieval! I woke up last night at midnight and gave myself the trigger shot. I guess sitting there waking up from sleeping trying to figure out the mixture took me about 15 minutes. The doctor had me take the 5,000 instead of 10,000. So I sat there looking at the vials and triple reading my instructions. Afterwards I laid in bed hoping I did it right, LOL. Ok I might be just a tad obsessive complusive, but just a tad.

Tomorrow is a big day, not only for me but for a few of my fellow bloggers. I hope that my fellow bloggers get great news tomorrow, especially Jules and Sara! Thinking of you guys!

I will update tomorrow when I get home and feel up to it.

I am a chicken

Yes as of today I feel like a chicken that is about to lay a dozen eggs. Hopefully I will lay the "golden egg"

 Since I didnt take any stims yesterday my level dropped to 3300. I took one ampule of Menopur today and tonight I will take 25iu of Follistim just to amp things up a bit. My doctor also prescribe me Cabergoline which is suppose to stop you from getting OHSS, I will start taking it Tuesday. My follies are looking really good. We trigger tonight at midnight and my retrieval is set for 10:00am on Tuesday. We filled out all of our pre-op paperwork and filled all of my prescriptions, OHSS meds, pain meds, antibiotics and a progesterone pill for transfer day. Wow looks like its about game time. Not sure how I am feeling right now. I think its easier to just keep moving on and forward. I did stop for a split second to wonder what would happen if all my eggs were bad. I stopped that thought soon after. There is nothing we could do, so there is no sense of worrying about it.

Here I end things today by hoping for the golden egg.

Three Days from Retrieval .......................

I guess I am three days out from retrieval, as things stand right now. My husband wasn't able to make it this morning ( he is my egg counter) Lol... Looks like the majority of them are right about 15mm as of today. Some larger and some smaller. I also just found out that my E2 levels are 3800 which is high including my follistim was only 25 iu last night. The doctor told me no follistim or menopur today and we are coasting. I go back in tomorrow . Sounds like my retrieval is going to be on Tuesday as planned.

E2 Levels Day 7

Well my follistim has now been cut down to 25iu tonight. My E2 levels were 2400 this morning. From today on until retrieval I have to go in daily for ultrasounds and blood work. I guess someone my age isn't really expected to respond this well to stims. I promised the other day I wouldn't freak out about this any further and would trust the professionals. That is what I'm doing. Guess that's all I have to say for now.

Stims Day 7

Well u/s looked really good this morning. I have approximately 20 follicles in a cluster today. They are ranging about from 11mm to 13mm. I have some others that are a bit larger and the other 18 are still under 10mm as of today. Waiting on E2 levels and will update later today. I also think im coming down with something because I feel horrible today. I have stomach cramps and the stuff that follows stomach cramps (ugh). I am also feeling sick to my stomach and a bit flushed. I might go home a little early today and just rest. Besides that doctor said everything is looking great.

Oh one more thing. Last night at acupuncture I told him that I was decreased on medications again, so we didnt do the stimulation phase of it. He told me that another girl from OU had also been decreased and he doesnt ever see that. He thought it was due to us both starting acpuncture at least six weeks out from our ivf and preparing our bodies for it. Who knows? I didnt want to say yes I agree or no I didnt. Hell I dont care what the reason for responding well to medications, just happy I am. I hope that it works this time and then I will have (5) boxes of follistim to donate to someone who really needs it!!!!!

I broke my promise

So yesterday........... I broke my promise of not freaking out etc. Thank you for all the supportive comments. Guess I was a little taken back that my meds were already lowered significantly and my levels were still rising so much. After sitting down and taking a breath yesterday, I realized what I have known within the last year of dealing with my wonderful doctor.... I trust him 100%. I know that he is on top of things and I need to not open that door to worry wart or it will never be closed until the day our (baby) is born. Hell I know that my heart cant take that much anxiety (litterally). Tonight I have acupuncture again this week and lower my dose of Follistim to 75iu and then another u/s bloodwork tomorrow. I am kinda excited to see whats going on downunder :) Every time I sneeze it feels like my ovaries are going to explode  (and I love every minute of it)! My side effects from the Lupron are completely gone, finally! I am actually having less side effects with the follistim and menopur verses other cycles with just menopur. My bruises are looking freaking awesome and I want to take pictures to put in my baby book. btw i saw this the other day and thought it was so true!

Even though I am going through secondary infertility, I have never fought for anything harder in my life. Our little one will know just how much we wanted him/her and the lengths we went through to get pregnant. 

I know this is all over the place today but just stick with me. After all of the politics going on lately and especially with the Personhood Act here in Oklahoma and coming to the other states soon (so be prepared). It made me think alot about our decision we made with our left over embryos. Al and I are not having anymore children after this, mainly because of our age and I do have a teenager who will be driving in two years. I am going to share our decision we made with our left over embryos. We thought so hard about this and decided to donate them to other couples who desperately want children. I couldnt think of any better gift to a person. Suffering through infertility is so difficult, then add on top of that the added expense of having to do donor embryos. My ONLY regret about this is, I wish I could give them to a couple free and clear. I hate the fact that someone will have to ultimately pay for them. With that being said, I know that we made the right decision in the end. Now the people who want to call ivf immoral and unethical, please tell me how this is such a bad thing?

Oh yeah.... hopefully 5 days until retrieval!