Ok so I left work this morning and came home. I couldnt keep my shit together good enough to do anything. Let me start all of this over and hopefully it will make some more sense. After the taxes last night I was really upset with DH since we were going to use this on our medications. I was hoping that we wouldnt have to take out another loan if we got enough back on taxes. As of now we have to pay 152 dollars to federal and 651 to state (which is really ok and not a big deal). For anyone that knows my DH knows he is a HUGE tight ass (seriously) he ALWAYS stresses about money. To put this in perspective, we dont have any insurance to cover IF, but we dont make 6 figures between the two of us. We are not starving by anymeans. He grew up with his parents always struggling and poor and he thinks that will be us if were not careful. I would like to remind him that he grew up with one person working in family and his mom staying home with (3) kids, that is a HUGE difference. I should have know taking this loan was going to push him over the edge.
So on the way to work this morning (we drive together into the city) he said that he was up all night thinking about our situation. He came up with (3) options:
1. To get an additional loan to cover cost of medications and other things not included ( $,5,000)
2. Get a refund from Attain and pay for one full cycle through our clinic (that way we could get meds)
3. Get refund from Attain and finish paying off our two vehicles, plus his one cc and that way we could be completely out of debt and save around 1,500 a month for 6 months and pay for a cycle through our clinic.
He then went on to tell me that his "suggestions" were not thought of emotionally like mine are and this is a very good finanical decision for us. This way we dont have to be stressed about paying loans etc. while getting pregnant. Well I was so fucking pissed I told him he had lost his mind. Sorry but at that time I couldnt get my shit together to debate on why his idea wouldnt work. He then said that over the six month period we could work on our relationship due to how stressed its become going through all of this. Which may I add, he said he did understand why I dont like having sex and I think of it as a job.
Ok here is my rebuttle to his financial new plan for us:
1. Even though the doctor said I have a good ovarian reserve, we are 36 going on 37 this year. Putting this off for at least 6 months doesnt make sense.
2. Attain program is 15,450 for (2) fresh cycles (2) frozen cycles. If we get refund and pay for cycle by cycle at our clinic, its 10K plus medications for fresh and about 2,700 for FET.
3. If we do pay of vehicles and his little credit card, what then? Things always pop up financially. How do I know that we will save that 1,500 a month for ivf? He always stresses about financies, how would this be different?
I think I also have very valid points. Furthermore I think the thing that pissed me off most about this whole conversation was..... When I asked why he didnt say anything sooner, his response was " you said you were doing this with or without me" Ok that is something I never remember saying. He is my partner, how would I make this decision without him? That is the most hurtful part. He hasnt been against any of this until the zero hour and then watch out DH is going to get everything off his chest.
Now I feel whatever decision I make, its a decision at all. If I fight for our chance to do ivf with Attain, then maybe he will go along with it and resent me. If we get our money back and do it his way, I will resent him for doing this to me. It is a lose, lose situtation. I hate to say this, but im to the point where I want to throw my hands up in the air with my white flag and surrender, seriously. I didnt know the amount of stress this causes on marriages and people. Its days like today, I wish I wasnt married. I love my husband so much, but I am completely overwhelmed and I dont know how much more of this I can really deal with.
Thanks for all the support. I know my earlier post was kinda scattered and bits/pieces. I dont know where we go from here. I called my clinic yesterday and left a message about starting bc and having our consult. I never heard back from them today, (Maybe its a sign) that this isnt the road im suppose to be on.
I dont know if I will talk to DH about this tonight. I am still so filled with anger and hurt that its going to be hard to even look at him. I feel betrayed more then anything. I have no idea where I stand with our clinic as of right now. When I said he dropped the bomb on the zero hour, I meant it.
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