I know that im no different from anyone else going into the new year. A flood of postive, self empowering thoughts runs through our minds. I know my resolution this year was to be happy with my life regardless if we got pregnant or not. This is still my plan and I continue to work on it daily.
I feel a little weird that we arent doing any treatments this month. It doesnt seem right. I did buy a over the counter OPK, so hopefully I will ovulate this month. I dont want to be cheated out of my 2% chance of concieving naturally this month :).
So my husband and I were eating lunch out today and started talking about ivf. I didnt think I would be such a nervous wreck about this. I guess when we were going through iui, I always knew if it failed we had ivf. What if ivf fails? We dont have the money to do it again for another year or two. I told my husband today that I wish I wasnt as knowledgable about IF as I am now. People dont realize what a true miracle not only getting pregnant, but carrying a baby to term is. I feel like im at the bottom of a mountain and getting ready to start climbing without shoes, water, or climbing gear. By some alignment of good luck, I will manage to get all the way up the mountain. I guess this brings me back to my new years resolution " be happy with my life regardless if we have a baby or not". I have to keep reminding myself of that. At this point, I am so scared! I will continue forth to our upcoming ivf treatments. I willl prepare myself for the worst and hope for the best. That is all I can do. I will do everything physically and mentally to prepare for this, but in the back of my mind I have to also know there is a chance for failure. I have to prepare myself for that reality also.
Im not ready to consider what will come after ivf, if it fails. I do know that we will make it though. I truly hope that this, " the year of the dragon" will be my year and all the other lovely ladies on here. I also hope that I can move on if its not. I cant keep living with this fear of the unknown though.
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