Monday, March 4, 2013

The Calm

The calm after the storm. I have finally reached this magnificent place and it only took me over three years to do so. It is amazing here. 

The storm was this weekend. I went home Friday evening around 6 pm and took "the abortion" pill. There is no other way to describe that horrible pill. I have a hard time wrapping my mind around the fact that some woman take this to end a healthy pregnancy. Well that is another time. Anyway I took the pill around six along with two pain pills and my zofran. Cramping started about 2 hours later and progressing got worse for the next ten hours. I honestly don't think there are words for me to describe the amount of pain I felt during that ten hour span, but I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. I kept taking my pain medications every four hours on the dot. I don't think they worked. I won't go into the details of what was passed and what was not. Saturday I laid on the couch all day taking pain medications and Valium and probably slept about 16 hours that day. The cramping was still there, but not has horrible as it had been the night before. 

Sunday morning I woke up and something amazing happened. I felt like so much pain, stress, anxiety, sadness and worry had been lifted out of me. I woke up and had a cup of coffee, cleaned the whole house and started back on my quilting project. As you know this project has been very important to me. Throughout the past six months with all the losses, pregnancies and now miscarriage, my mind was somewhere else. I sat down at my machine yesterday, turned on some of my favorite music and started sewing. I finished the topper for my girl quilt and started the topper for my boy quilt. I quilted for at least 6 hours yesterday. I sang, I laughed, I had so much fun. The calm after the storm had finally hit me and I knew that from this day forward I would be okay.

At first when Al and I decided not to move forward with anymore treatments, I thought it might be a mistake. I packed up all the rest of my medications and gave them to a special girl. I thought that might be a mistake also. As of yesterday I know for 100% certainty it was not a mistake. It was what I was meant to do. I sit here right now smiling because I know that all the decisions made were the right ones. I am so happy we did choose to go through years of treatment, I am so happy we got pregnant. Now I am  so excited at the possibilities in front of me. Al and I both make pretty good money and now that Cierra is almost driving and graduated, we are planning trips. There are so many places I have always wanted to see and now we have the means to do it. Please don't get me wrong, I won't sit here and say for a minute that I would rather travel then have a child, because I wouldn't. Having a child is no longer an option for us, so I am really looking forward to the years to come in our life. I almost feel like I woke up out of a coma and feel like a new person.

My blog won't be filled with opk, hpts or fertility stuff anymore. I hope that each one of you will still choose to keep up with A&T's little life. I know that I will still be rooting for every single one of you gals with every ounce of my soul. So my blog may be taking a weird turn, but I hope you stick with us. I feel like I have made so many friends through this fight. I have met some amazing woman with such strength they didn't even know they had.

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