Thursday, March 21, 2013

No ICLW this month & updates

For some reason I am not feeling ICLW this month. Maybe next month I will get back into the hang of things. I also went through my blogger list and cleaned it up. I followed so many people that no longer blog or haven't for a while. I miss reading their blogs, but I understand that life happens. Luckily I do 98% of my blogging at work while sitting here. 

Today I had my doctors appointment for bloodwork. It has been almost 4 weeks since I lost circle. Moments it feels like time is flying by and others it feels like things are standing still and I miss this baby. I think it was so much easier with all my other miscarriages. I didn't see a beating heart, only betas rising and dropping etc. This time it was so real. There was a little human that could have grown up to be my son or daughter. I wonder what he/she would have looked like. I bet he/she would have had AL's big nose and my blue eyes. I do think about these things sometimes. Maybe this week because this cycle is closing down and it will be over. 

Anyway back to doctors appointment for today. I had my hcg and progesterone checked. I know my levels are low and wanted to see if I had already ovulated again. We sat there and talked about future plans (as I blogged about yesterday). She said to me, "Tonisha you are fertile, but you are having problems keeping a pregnancy." She is absolutely right! We then talked about coming in the next time I get pregnant and starting heparin to see if that makes any difference. I agreed. So I guess my "waiting until six weeks before seeing RE" just went down the drain. I would have to start as soon as I found out we were pregnant. 

I have also been keeping a secret. As much as I am keeping busy and trying to move forward and trying to be happy. I am suffering from severe anxiety again and panic attacks. I haven't shared this with my husband or family because I feel so weak that I have no control over it. I hate that it comes into my life whenever and takes over. The doctor noticed the other day and said for me to come back in a week and she would put me on something. Honestly I am tired. I am tired of being on pills to help, I am tired of talking to counselors that DONT help, I am really tired of seeing psychiatrist that wants to ask you 50 questions, spend five minutes with you and then throw samples from her pharmaceutical company. Where do you go? I am at a complete loss on how to get this under control. You know after fighting this condition for so many years I am finally tired. Is there anyone out there that can give me any advice on where to start? I sometimes feel like this is all in my head and I am just a freaking headcase. I wonder if it is possible that all of this anxiety and panic is just in my head and I make it worse unconsciously?  My counselor wants to tell me it was because of my past and abuse. I have accepted all that and moved on, nothing has changed in my anxiety.

Dear God am I a hypochondriac??

I see them all over and hell I work with one of the greatest. I don't see how I am like her, but maybe I just don't see it because I am?

Well I better close up this crazy ass post today. Sorry my mind is everywhere and then some.

I will update with levels later today.

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