Anger

As you can tell I am more then a little frustrated with Mr. "Dont do as I do, but as I say". There has been alot of controversary on the article where he stated "I believe life begins at conception, and the question I was raising was what happens to embryos in fertility clinics, and I would favor a commission to look seriously at the ethics of how we manage fertility clinics,” Gingrich said at a news conference outside another Baptist church here. “If you have in vitro fertilization, you are creating life; therefore, we should look seriously at what the rules should be for clinics that are doing that, because they are creating life.”
It finally hit me this morning like a brick in the face. Up until this point I couldnt really figure out why so many couples were so private about going through ivf. Why wouldnt they be? Hell look at this jerk who is making all of us feel like we are completely immoral and horrible people because we want children. Last time I checked, our embryos are OURS, not the  governments and not lawmakers, but mine and yours. I know that no law will be put in place before my ivf, but I worry for woman down the road. I dont want thier right to seek treatment to be taken away from them.

One thing I do know. I am so very proud that we are going down this road. It has not been easy, infact its one of the hardest things Ive ever done. I will continue to be very open about our struggle and our treatment. I will be very proud to say we got our baby through ivf. No one will ever take joy away from me, ever.

As far as people like Mr. Cheating pants...... well I think the karma bus will turn his corner one day.

RE/OB

I dont know if I have mentioned this in my blog but after 6 months of ttc and having no luck, my pcp mentioned that I should take some valum or anything that would " calm me down so I could get pregnant". Yeah he was a complete asshole and very insenstive. I then found a ob after that and went in to have a pap and bloodwork done. She seemed to think everything was fine and just suggested I keep doing what we were doing. Well I am a very outspoken person and that just didnt cut it. I informed her that with my age and 6 months of ttc and nothing, I wanted to be put on clomid (thanks Dr. Google). and if she didnt, I would find another doctor that would. She agreed and we started clomid, another few months and nothing so I decided to find a new ob at the hosptial my husband works for. I found the ob/gyn clinic and called for a new patient appointment. The lady answering the phone was so very sweet and asked what doctor I wanted. I didnt know there were multiple doctors, so I told her that I would perfer a woman and she set me up with an appointment with Dr. Hansen. Our first consult with her lasted over an hour and she talked to us about everything. I felt so happy and content that I actually found a great ob, FINALLY! Well she had me stay on the clomid for another month or so and did all the necessary testing on sperm, fsh etc. Everything came back normal. Our next appointment she went over our test results and said that we needed to get referred over to a RE. Guess what............ my RE that I am seeing now is her husband. Yes a husband and wife team. Let me tell you what, I have never been so happy with my choices, as the day I chose her. My last hope is that her husband will get me pregnant (not personally, lol) and I can go back to seeing her through a pregnancy. I know most woman have that fear of being released to the ob , but I know for a fact I would never be in better hands and have a compassionate woman who knows and can understand what we went through to make it that far.

I love my clinic and I dont really care what the success rates are with ivf, or if they are in the top ten list of clinics. I have something so much better, a place that truly cares for my best interest and will listen to me and give me a shoulder to cry on. Now that is priceless!

Just Another Sunday..........

Ok so my dogs are so funny! I woke up this morning to let them out before feeding them. About 20 mins later I am laying in bed and my sheltie "izzy" starts knocking on the back door. He was saying "ok mom we are hungry". I think it is so adorable when he does that and I love the fact how much animal can communicate with us. Gosh I love all of my animals. I might go as far as to say that I am a beginning animal hoarder. We have (3) large dogs. "Izzy" is our sheltie, "Boomer" is our chocolate lab, "Porter" is our lab mix that was rescued off the mean streets of Trenton, N.J. We also have "Max" our tiger stripped kitty and "Lillie" our tabby. I also feed (3) neighborhood cats that owners left them. Oh and my fat ole squirrels :) Ok yes I have a problem, but I love animals so much! They depend on us to live and that is one task I wont default on. Plus they give you such unconditional love. I wont lie though, keeping my house sparkling clean with this many animals does eat up alot of time. Im sure there will be adjustments made if we get pregnant.

Yesterday we met up with two great friends for hibatchi. They are expecting their first little boy anytime now. Out of all the pregnancy annoucements I get on a weekly basis, I am SO happy about this one. They are amazing people. NOt to go into the whole story, but my one friend was told she would never get pregnant and basically went on with her life and accepted it. Surprise! They also asked my husband and I told be god-parents ( which is such a compliment). I already know that I will love this little guy to pieces :) Now for all the other pregnancy annoucements, they call shove a sock down their throats because im not hearing it.

I read a blog last night about a fellow IFer suffering through a horrible case of OHSS and I wont lie, it has scared the shit out of me! That has been my biggest fear all along with moving forward on ivf. My doctor already said I response so well to stimulation medications. I know that on all of my iuis at baseline I had about 20 or more follicles. I know that what will happen, will happen, but its still really scary to think of that. Today is day 6 on bcp and im feeling pretty well. Ive had some headaches and fatigue, but thats about it. Hell I had worse side effects from Menopur so this is a walk in the park so far. Ive also caught myself commiting the ultimate IFer cardinal sin. I have been googling baby furniture and nursery sets. I know, know, know that I shouldnt do this but I can help myself. I feel pretty confident of our chances with ivf, even if it doesnt take the 1st time, we have bought multi-cycle. Someone slap me back to reality. I know all of us handle going through ivf differently and early pregnancy differently. I hope and pray that "IF" we do get pregnant I can accept it and enjoy it and not stress out about possible problems. As high strung as is already, that might cause me to have a freaking heart attack. I know, easier said then done. An unfortanate side effect of suffering through this is knowing ALL the things that could happen. NO more blissful ignorance from any of us...... Geez what I would do to have the blissful ignornance.

Well our next big appointment is this Thursday for our ART consult and hopefully our SHG and mock transfer go well. I also am very thankful that my clinic will knock me completely out for our transfer!

Birth Control Fatigue?

Ok ladies im curious to side effects from bcp. Have any of you had extreme fatigue from taking them? I shouldnt complain because im actually sleeping all through the night now. I have suffered from insomnia for many years and now im tired and in bed before 9, its kinda nice. Oh and im itchy! Not super itchy, but itchy.

Any input would be appreciated!

I am really starting to believe that there is something to this acupuncture. When I left last night, I felt absolutely amazing! I went to bed last night and slept through the whole night and my husband had to actually wake me up this morning. I know for a fact that my stress level is WAY down. If not for any other reason then stress, I am happy that im seeing him. At first I questioned the fact we are spending almost $1,000 for treatments. I thought this was money that could have went elsewhere, but know I realize its the best money I have every spent.  Since I am on the birth control period right now, my acupuncturist is doing a nice relaxing method and getting my body ready to become pregnant. I get to lie on my back with pillows and listening to relaxing music. Heck I almost feel like im floating around. The one thing I have noticed while undergoing this treatment. Dont ever move any limb where a needle is at. A nice pain will shoot through your body and then tingle, not the best feeling :) When we start our stims he will switch over to the other treatment with electric. I wont lie, I am not at all fond of this treatment, but hopefully we will only do it 2 or 3 times.

My DH and I are doing great again. Heck in the (3) years weve been married I think weve had about 2 or 3 fights. We really sat down and talked about the finances involved. His big problem wasnt until after baby is born and the cost of baby and paying off ivf cost. Luckily we did a budget and figured that with some trimming we could have everything paid off in record time. We did have to give up some things that we enjoy doing, but it was well worth it.

one the bcp front, im on day (2) and 26 more days to go and I can throw these suckers out the window :)

Dare to Dream

So last night I caught myself actually planning for a baby. Up until this point I havent really thought about this stuff because I dont want to get hurt anymore. I wonder if it is ok to really open myself up and give myself permission to think about a cute nursery, how will my older daughter react to a new baby? What about my dogs? And yes we have already picked out names for either boy or a girl. This has been done for almost a year in a half now, so that is one thing I dont think about. I keep telling myself not to have these thoughts, but it seems like that is the only thing right now that I can have..... is thoughts of what a new baby would be like.

Our clinic gave us a 50% chance of ivf working. My acupuncturist also said that our treatment will increase our 50% chance. Hmmm could this really be a possiblity? I am still trying to prepare for the worst and hope for the best. I think that is the safest option right now. Hopefully this Christmas I will be able to use one of my baby names. A girl can dream :)

Also reading over my calendar on last day it says " Pregnancy Test is 15 days after the egg retreival. Once pregnant, plan to continue progesterone until 10 weeks of pregnancy" Did you notice it said "once pregnant" ? hehehe, me giggling.

Of course since we have already picked names, we have also picked a bedding set too. I picked this out about 2  years ago and loved it so much, espeically being neutral.... What do you think?

Whos Starting.....

Who is starting bcp? Its me, its me! I start my pills tonight. The nurse asked when the last time I took bcp was. My answer was ummmm maybe when I was like 16? It could have been 17, but it has been way to long. She explained to me how to use them and they dont want me to start my period next cycle ( Didnt know that one). Our ART consult is February 2nd! I know that all you ladies already know this, but its new for me so im going to post everything. We will do our mock transfer and SHG, plus get our calendar. She said we should start stims around Feb. 26th.. Right on track.

UPDATED: I just recieved my calendar. I am scheduled for retrevial on 3/6, 3/7 or 3/8.

Part 3 and (hopefully) Final Installment

So after a very lengthy dicussion last night with DH, I am moving forward with our treatment. I talked to the nurses yesterday at my clinic and they said that the latest I could start bcp is tomorrow. Talking about a last minute decision.  I think more then financial reasons, my DH thought I didnt really listen to him and I was dismissing his thoughts in general. I can understand where he is coming from, I tend to be very harsh to most people, but I have really been working on this, especially with my husband. Financially we did look at other ways for the rest of money owed on ivf and I think we came to a good compromise. This journey is not at all what I expected. Honestly ladies I dont know how we all keep our shit together and make it through this. I do know one thing for sure. We as in woman who suffer through (IF) are much stronger mentally then woman who dont.

Thanks for all the support during the last day. I know that whatever happens to me, I always have such an amazing group of woman that have been there and know how im feeling. Having a support group going through this is absolutely priceless, thank you so much.

Looks like I will be starting bcp today and/or tomorrow. I am back on track and it feels good.

Stick a fork in me (Part 2)

Ok so I left work this morning and came home. I couldnt keep my shit together good enough to do anything. Let me start all of this over and hopefully it will make some more sense. After the taxes last night I was really upset with DH since we were going to use this on our medications. I was hoping that we wouldnt have to take out another loan if we got enough back on taxes. As of now we have to pay 152 dollars to federal and 651 to state (which is really ok and not a big deal). For anyone that knows my DH knows he is a HUGE tight ass (seriously) he ALWAYS stresses about money. To put this in perspective, we dont have any insurance to cover IF, but we dont make 6 figures between the two of us. We are not starving by anymeans.  He grew up with his parents always struggling and poor and he thinks that will be us if were not careful. I would like to remind him that he grew up with one person working in family and his mom staying home with (3) kids, that is a HUGE difference. I should have know taking this loan was going to push him over the edge.

So on the way to work this morning (we drive together into the city) he said that he was up all night thinking about our situation. He came up with (3) options:

1. To get an additional loan to cover cost of medications and other things not included ( $,5,000)
2. Get a refund from Attain and pay for one full cycle through our clinic (that way we could get meds)
3. Get refund from Attain and finish paying off our two vehicles, plus his one cc and that way we could be completely out of debt and save around 1,500 a month for 6 months and pay for a cycle through our clinic.

He then went on to tell me that his "suggestions" were not thought of emotionally like mine are and this is a very good finanical decision for us. This way we dont have to be stressed about paying loans etc. while getting pregnant. Well I was so fucking pissed I told him he had lost his mind. Sorry but at that time I couldnt get my shit together to debate on why his idea wouldnt work. He then said that over the six month period we could work on our relationship due to how stressed its become going through all of this. Which may I add, he said he did understand why I dont like having sex and I think of it as a job.

Ok here is my rebuttle to his financial new plan for us:

1. Even though the doctor said I have a good ovarian reserve, we are 36 going on 37 this year. Putting this off for at least 6 months doesnt make sense.

2. Attain program is 15,450 for (2) fresh cycles (2) frozen cycles. If we get refund and pay for cycle by cycle at our clinic, its 10K plus medications for fresh and about 2,700 for FET.

3. If we do pay of vehicles and his little credit card, what then? Things always pop up financially. How do I know that we will save that 1,500 a month for ivf? He always stresses about financies, how would this be different?

I think I also have very valid points. Furthermore I think the thing that pissed me off most about this whole conversation was..... When I asked why he didnt say anything sooner, his response was " you said you were doing this with or without me" Ok that is something I never remember saying. He is my partner, how would I make this decision without him? That is the most hurtful part. He hasnt been against any of this until the zero hour and then watch out DH is going to get everything off his chest.

Now I feel whatever decision I make, its a decision at all. If I fight for our chance to do ivf with Attain, then maybe he will go along with it and resent me. If we get our money back and do it his way, I will resent him for doing this to me. It is a lose, lose situtation. I hate to say this, but im to the point where I want to throw my hands up in the air with my white flag and surrender, seriously. I didnt know the amount of stress this causes on marriages and people. Its days like today, I wish I wasnt married. I love my husband so much, but I am completely overwhelmed and I dont know how much more of this I can really deal with.

Thanks for all the support. I know my earlier post was kinda scattered and bits/pieces. I dont know where we go from here. I called my clinic  yesterday and left a message about starting bc and having our consult. I never heard back from them today, (Maybe its a sign) that this isnt the road im suppose to be on.

I dont know if I will talk to DH about this tonight. I am still so filled with anger and hurt that its going to be hard to even look at him. I feel betrayed more then anything. I have no idea where I stand with our clinic as of right now. When I said he dropped the bomb on the zero hour, I meant it.

Stick a fork in me because im done.

WARNING THIS BLOG WILL CONTAIN EXPLICT LANGUAGE:

What a way to start off the week. At work, in tears and my makeup is completely gone. So on the way to work this morning my husband decided to drop a bomb on me. Last night while filing taxes I found out that he claimed (2) on his w4's and so did I, big oops. Now instead of getting money back that we were going to use on the cost of medications, we owe money for federal and state. Well anyone that knows my husband knows he freaks the fuck out about money. So this morning driving to work he informs me that we need to pull our money from the Attain Program. We need to pay off both vehicles and a credit card and then save money for a ivf treatment through our clinic and that way we wont be in debt. Oh and then we can work on our relationship (that has been suffering) Since I now look at sex as a job and we are stressed out. Really? you fucking drop all this shit on me while driving to w ork on a MOnday morning? Furthermore he said that I didnt give him a choice in this decision. Really? Cause I remember having the conversation with you! I am so fucking pissed right now I could seriously knock someones head off! How dare him bring this shit up on the day im suppose to go in and start bcp. So we can get our money back and pay off bills and then what comes up next that we werent expecting to pay. We will never be able to afford ivf then. I am throwing in the towel. I am so over fucking stressed that I just cant deal with this shit anymore!

The CD1....... I thought would never come....

Thanks ladies for all the voodoo wish on AF. I will call my RE's office in the morning and get everything scheduled for ivf. I am pretty damn excited today :)

CD28

Still waiting..................... tapping foot................ checking................... tapping foot.

She is never, ever, ever late until I need to start bcp pills and then AF is like "haha screw you"  She is such a bitch, seriously.

Acupuncture & Company Dinner

So last night was a complete success. Im not sure if I went into much detail about my last acupuncture treatment, so if I did I will aplogize for telling the story again. On my first visit I had a mixture of different techniques. My doctor said he basically takes the best from different experts and customizes a treatment. I had to lay on my stomach with my face through one of those little holes. Then he added electric to my needles so I felt pretty weird to say the least. #1 I hate people touching me, #2 I am kinda Claustrophobic, so that freaked me out some. #3 when I moved my toes a weird electric sensation went through my body and I had a huge panic attack in the middle of my treatment. I know it seems a little lame and unfortnanetly I suffer from massive panick attacks and have for almost 15 years now. Thank goodness I can get them under control at this point in my life. So anyway im getting off track here. After my appointment I felt really good, but wasnt real happy about the actual procedure. So last night I was NOT looking forward to going. I tried to stay positive and went in knowing what was going to happen. Well thank goodness since im not on my stimluation part of preparing yet, the treatment was different last night! I was able to lay on my back with nice fluffy pillows. I had 13 needles and the treatment was wonderful. He said right now we are cleansing my body for ivf and I have to admit, it was a truly amazing experience. He did put some seeds in my ears on three of my pressure points for stress, progesterone, and ovaries. Now I just have to find them in my ears and masage until next week....... pretty cool!  I wont lie, acupuncture is really expensive and especially that I have to go every week, but I have decided to give up other things and pay for this. I want the best shot possible for a successful ivf.

Here is the pic of my little seeds in ears

So now on to dinner....................................................

I am always the early one out of office so my husband and I were the first ones there. This gave us the chance to act like teenagers and take pics of the beautiful wine cellar before anyone else got there :) I told my husband no pictures of the food either, LOL I didnt want to be the redneck couple at the country club. JK. Here are some pictures of the room. It is very dark in there so pics are the best, but you can get the idea

Of course my one co-worker who claims to be dying everyday was half an hour late and we had to wait on her. I wasnt really happy about that since it was a work evening and I come into work before 8. She doesnt really care much since she doesnt blow in until after 2 in afternoon. (OK yes im bitter about this :) ) We had amazing food and amazing wine and great conversation with the bosses. My boss told me husband that I run his office and if it wasnt for me, they wouldnt have a smoothly running company. He also told him that he can throw anything my direction and I will figure it out. It was really nice to hear that compliment from him. So we finally got home close to 11 last night. It was a long day, but really nice. Also the chocolate brownies with bacon.... my husband loved them! I wasnt the biggest so I gave him mine :) I do have to say that the steak was the best ive ever had and Ive had some good steak before. It was so tender and juicy you could cut it with your fork.

Before I forgot on the ttc front. I am still waiting for AF. The only thing I can think is my cycle is messed up due to the chemical pregnancy last month? I have no idea, but I am so ready for this. I am learning that with IF, if you expect you are let down. She does whatever she wants and when she wants. Fingers crossed I will be able to call doctor to start bcp anyday!

Our dinner menu this evening...

Here is our menu for this evenings company dinner:

Cristalino Cava

Foie Gras Torchon on Apple Palmier

Char Sui Pork Belly on Wonton Crisp

Cheese Sandwich

Salad

Green Salad with Fresh Citrus & Citrus Vinaigrette

Hyppolyte Reverdy -Sancerre

Entrée

Filet of Beef(8-9oz)

Risotto with Brussel Sprouts, Squash and Tomato Confit

Veal Jus

Upstart Crow Cabernet Sauvignon

Dessert

Chocolate Bacon Brownie(small size, 1gluten free)

Blueberry Tart

Schmitt Shone Auslese

I know I cant pronounce half of this stuff. I will glady try it and form a better opinion though. Wish me luck.

Diet Change

Well I have been sticking with my new eating habit and its paying off. My breakfast includes one slice of rye toast and hard boiled egg along with glass of water. My lunch I am having steamed fresh brocolli and caulflower along with a small portion of protein. My snacks during the day include a fresh fruit, usually pineapple. My dinners arent anything special, just smaller portions. I dont own a scale because I dont want to obsess over my weight. I have noticed that all my pants are becoming looser so that is a great sign. I feel better also and have more energy.

Tonight is acpunuture and then dinner with my office. I am not looking forward to dinner at all!. I have to deal with a negative, whiney co-worker enough as is and dont want to spend any of my personal time dealing with it. Unfortnantely these dinners tend to last about 3 1/2 hours. Hopefully my acupunuture will kick in and I can sit quietly through dinner.

On ttc front, there is really nothing to report, ugh! Today is CD26 and is usually the day AF comes to town. Nothing yet, but I have cramps! yay! It is so weird to be suffering from IF and wanting AF to show up so I can start bcp (just plain weird). We recieved our letter from Attain yesterday basically saying thank you for spending our life savings with them and they hope things work out, LOL... It still makes me giggle that this stuff is so business oriented. I look at it like its our lives and its just business to other people. Oh well the point is, we have paid for the biggest part of the ivf and hopefully there will only be a few thousand left for us to come up with.

And finally, I AM SO EFFING TIRED OF FB PREGNANCY ANNOUCEMENTS! and especially the " im 4weeks pregnant, so little time!" and the "please let me know if you have maternity clothes, someone will need them soon" blah blah blah. I am SO not going to be one of those people. IF has already stolen that from me. It seems the more I hide people on there, the more they freaking pop up.

ICSI

I was wondering if any of you ladies had advice on doing icsi. My doctor told us a few months back that if we decided to do ivf he would opt for us to do icsi. Basically he said that we are at the point he doesnt care why we arent getting pregnant, he just wants us to get pregnant. I know that the fertilization with icsi is more expensive, but everything I read shows it really helps with successful fertilization.


Any thoughts?

So far so good.

I know that we are only three weeks into the new year, but my new mindset has really made such a huge difference. I have been focusing on losing some weight before ivf and that has been a challange. Since I quit smoking two years ago it seems like the pounds are packing on. My whole life I was around 120 lbs. Now I weigh around 180.  I would really love to lose about 15 lbs, but I dont know how realistic that goal is in such a short time. I wont lie, I am the worlds worst exerciser. I am just lazy, end of story. I havent really changed that at all. I quit drinking soda completely, I quit drinking caffiene, Im trying to eat only chicken, turkey and cut down on red meats. I have implimented fresh vegetables daily to my diet and water! I am drinking alot of water. Regardless if this isnt enough to drop a few pounds at least I know its a healthier choice and makes me feel better going into our ivf.

I am somewhat sad. Our RN at the clinic whom I have been with from day 1, will not be taking care of us through our ivf.  I know the other nurse who will be in and she is super nice also. So I went online last week and ordered a gift basket from Lush and had it sent to her. I thought it was the least I could do since she has been so amazing with us since we started the process. Of course I consider myself very lucky that our clinic is amazing also.  Oh and you  guys should check out this website for lush.... http://www.lush.com/ it is homemade soaps and skin care. I absolutely love it!

Is my life really this boring when im in between cycles? Jeez! Ive been hoping and hoping that AF will come visit me this week so I can get the show on the road, lol. Otherwise in my life not alot is going on. This weekend we attending my cousins little girls 4th birthday at the skating rink. I think it turned into a family reunion. Then I remembered why I dont talk to alot of my family :) No, but it was fun seeing the little ones. This week coming up we are having our late Christmas dinner for work at the bosses Country Club and that always makes me nervous. Last year I had goose liver for the first time in my life. I am a country girl that has relocated to the city, but still country at heart. It makes me so uncomfortable dressing up and playing country club Tonisha. The great news is that we get a great meal and lots of expensive wine. I might break down and have a glass. Also I have scheduled all my acupunture appointments for the next 8 weeks. That is about all that is going on in my quiet life right now. Here are a few pics from the birthday party:

 I think my birthday present was a hit, lol

My sweet, sweet niece Briley and adorable nephew Conner.

My husband Al and my outgoing niece Bailey! Jeez I really love them :)

No Big "O" this month.

Only someone suffering with infertility would look at big "O" and know it means ovulation and not orgasim, LOL.

Well ladies, no ovulation this month. I have peeing on sticks for weeks now :) I wasnt sure after my chemical pregnancy in December on exactly when my CD1 was, but I think its safe to assume with a 26 day cycle that if I havent ovulated by day 21, its not going to happen. I was hoping for that last little chance before we started bcp. So with that being said and done, guess its time for the start of our ivf... Just saying that makes me so nervous. Its going to be ok, either way, its going to be ok. I am still sticking to my "Preparing for the worst and hoping for the best" attitude.

I think from talking to our ivf coordinator, I will be starting bcp next week and then we will get our consult. We mailed our check into Attain last week, a whopping $15,450.00 plus we have to take out another loan for the remaining about. I didnt realize all the stuff NOT included in the cost of ivf. So I guess this is really going to happen. I know one step at a time.

On a different note. This weekend we have the inlaws coming to visit on Saturday morning. Then Saturday night my cousins little girl is turning 4 and they are throwing her bday party at the skating rink. This brings back old memories from when I was in roller derby. It was a short lived career, I torn my mcl and was pretty well done. How could someone as completely un-coordinated as me think  about roller derby? One great thing came out of it, I met my husband :) So I torn up knee found me the greatest man I know. Now hopefully at the skating rink this weekend, he wont want to re live our crazy days :) I just wont let him bring our helmets and/or pads :)

It keeps getting better!

Well I just got off the phone with the Wall Street Journal. I did an interview on the financial aspect of ivf. We basically discussed the cost associated with ivf without insurance. How do we get the money, how much are payments, how has if effected our lives. What about the companies giving loans at 22%? There are no words right now to explain how good I feel. It is so exciting to know that a paper such as the WallStreet Journal is going to do a story on all of us couples that are struggling right now.

All I can say right now is WOW.....

I will be the first person to admit that before we were struggling with IF, I had NO clue, none! I had a coworker that went through ivf and I didnt even take a minute of my life to listen or to ask her questions or to support her. I feel like such an asshole about that now. I had NO idea how stressful it was not only ttc and chemical pregnancies, but the financial stress of trying to figure out where the money would come from.
I want to be as active as possible in trying to help that more states mandate infertility coverage, regardless if we are successful at getting pregnant or not. Even couple should have the right to get ivf, whether you have insurance or dont, make good money or live in a one house income..... Everyone suffering through IF should have that chance! I feel so passionate about this, I wish I could go around the U.S and educate people on infertility and support the couples going through it.

Wow what a Wednesday!

This year is really starting off to be something, in a good way! It started by me winning a gift basket at my salon, then my best friend that was really distant lately sent me a beautiful gift the other night and apologized for being a awful friend lately. This morning I went in for some bloodwork before ivf and my nurse gave me a full cycle worth of Menopur for free! To top everything off, I recieved my awesome fertility socks last night from Christina, my sock partner. They are so cool and green! I love green and I cant wait to wear my socks!

How much better could this day honestly get? None, it is perfect :)

Fed Up!

This post today is totally NON ttc related...................................

I am so beyond frustrated. Hopefully someone out there can give me good advice (fingers crossed).
So I started a new job two years ago when my I married my husband and relocated. I originally sent my resume in for a Land postion. After two interviews and being hired I was really excited that I was able to stay in the Oil and Gas Industry. The office I work in is very small. There are (3) employees and  (2) bosses. Basically I handle all of the land and help my boss out with  his personal stuff, we have a lady that does accounting and another person who handles the other bosses personal matters. I was so happy to work here and be in a small, personal office. Not to long into my job I noticed that the other two ladies were constantly late. We are suppose to be here at 8:30 and the would drag in anywhere from 8:45 to 9:30. You ask how they could do this? Well the bosses never get to work early, NEVER. Infact the bosses usually come in around 10 or 11 go to lunch until 1 or later and then work until about 3 and go home. Which they own the company so that isnt even an issue. For the first year both ladies would call me in the morning with seriously lame excuses on why they would be late and/or not be here. Finally I snapped and told both of them that I dont care why they are late or not coming in and for them to quit calling me with lame excuses. Well lets say we didnt talk for a while after that. Sorry but I have grown up with something called work ethic... Since my husband and I commute to the city, I come in an hour early daily and dont expect anything in return.

Ok so here is the kicker. One of my coworkers has fibromylgia, celiac disease and is seriously allergic to everything under the sun. I will not lie and say I am very familar with celiac disease because im not. She said that the doctors wont diagnose her for either but she is positve she has them. She misses at least 2 weeks a month of work and is now to the point where she doesnt even come into work until around 2 p.m daily. I have to listen to her seriously call on the phone and tell people she is dying weekly. Basically everything is killing her because its filled with chemicals etc. She sits at work and googles her diseases and doesnt want to see a regular doctor such as a rhematologist because they all think she is crazy. So instead of trying things that could possibly help her, she decides to come to work shaking, crying, barely walking and just throws a pity party. Her husband will basically carry her into work. She is so doped up on pain meds, half of the time she cant even talk nor think.  I do understand that something is wrong with her, but my goodness it is stressing me the hell out! I am to the point where I dont event talk to her and I basically cringe when she does come to work.

My other coworker is not as bad, but doesnt really like to work either. I just feel like I cant even  be sick. One days when I am sick, I have to come to work until someone else shows up. With upcoming ivf I have no idea whats going to happen. I feel by missing work I am letting my boss down and I dont want to have my boss think I am lazy or mental. If this job didnt pay so well, I would leave in a second to find another place to work, just to get away from all the drama!

Well I am done complaining for today. I had to get that out. I just think that no matter how bad you have it, someone else out there has it so much worse. So instead of bitching and whinning daily about how bad things are in your life, maybe try to change things?

I know that reading this post it doesnt sound that bad, but you would be wrong in that assumption. I have NEVER experienced anything like this co-worker in my life.

Nothing Much

Well not alot is going on with my ttc. Today is CD15 and I havent got a postive on my OPK yet. Since I have such a short cycle, I dont think I will be ovulating this month. This means I will miss out on my 2% chance of ttc naturally, but thats ok. I have one more bloodtest this week coming up. My doctor tested me for blood clotting factors due to auto immune diseases. So far my test are all clear and it looks like we will be started bcp within next week in a half. Since I havent taken a bcp since I was a teenager, im a little scared. I remember them making me so sick. Hopefully I will react differently this time and it will be for a short period of time anyway.

Yesterday I went to the salon and had my hair colored and cut. Unfortnanetly this is something I have to do monthly due to pre-mature gray. I am about 40% gray when not colored. It started in my 20's and I seem to get more every year. Due to the comments I recieve about being " 36 and trying to get pregnant again" I decided that gray probably wont do me any justice.

After the salon I took my daughter and her best friend to see Breaking Dawn (at my request) they laughed and said it was a lame move (teenagers). I thought it was the best installment yet. Guess I really am the cougar mom. Honestly I was hooked on the books, so the movies seemed like a given. What can I say, I love sparkly vampires.

We finished our day out with a shopping trip to Maurices. I found a really cute pair of jeans, jacket, and shirt. The cutest of everything was these shoes I found with a pink ribbon. I love them so much. I dont think it helps that my husband is already a few inches shorter than me, (without heels). Luckily it doesnt bother him. Please note in picture that I am buying a clothes a little larger. I have been gaining weight and expect to gain more through ivf.

My sister did ask me if I "dug up one of our ancestors graves for these shoes" LMAO. It was pretty funny. I dont know what it was, but I fell in love with them the minute I noticed. I decided I would buy them before I even knew the price.

I was lost, but now I may be found.

I will go ahead and warn you that this post is going to be long. If you can stick with it and read all the way through, I know that you can truly appreiciate it. Ok here we go........

I have to share a personal story with you guys in order for you to understand what im getting ready to tell you. Since I dont have permission, I will keep the other person anynomous.

Almost a  year ago I met an amazing woman that was also struggling with infertility. She had a very hard time getting pregnant with her first child and even a harder time with her second. When we met she was attending the same RE office as me and trying to get pregnant with her second baby. After several failed attempts of iuis along with medication and over two years trying to concieve her second child, she was devastated. Of course I was just being introduced to the whole infertility thing and was postivie and excited and didnt really understand why so many other woman were stressed, bitter and angry. Well we started emailing each other as a means for support. Her husband was in the middle of changing jobs and they didnt have insurance so they took some time off from RE and she got pregnant. She is due in May and she deserves every bit of happiness. Well I thought since she was pregnant now and I was the angry bitter IFer, that our friendship might not keep growing, but it has. We share alot of personal feelings and she has stayed very supportive.

Here is where the story starts:

I shared with my friend that I had completely lost my faith. I felt God had completely given up on me and I have been struggling so hard. I explained to her that I am angry with God and I am done! She explained to me how she had also struggled, as so many of us have. Then asked if she could share a story with me. She made if very clear she wasnt preaching or pushing anything on me. I gladly accepted to hear her story. As I said she has struggled with both pregnancies. Her first one she was basically at the breaking point and had asked a very good friend of hers if it would be wrong to pray and ask God for a sign that he was listening to all her prayers about wanting to get pregnant. Her friend thought that was a good idea. She prayed and prayed. One day on her way home she broke down and cried and prayed to God for him to show her a sign. She said to me that she expected an obvious sign, such as a baby on a billboard etc. She was driving home on the same route she took everyday for years and noticed a picture of a school bus on a semi truck. She wondered to herself if that was the sign. It didnt seem like a obvious sign, but then she thought to herself that she had NEVER seen a bus on this stretch of road as long as she could remember and she traveled this road daily. She went home and prayed some more asking God if that was a sign that she would get pregnant. The next day on her way home she looked on the side of the highway and at a gas station was about 12 school buses. Well obviously she was completely shocked. She felt in her heart that God did send her a sign and answered her prayers. She was pregnant with her daughter 3 months later.

After she shared this story with me. I explained to her that I did believe her and I did think God had answered her prayers, but like I said be he wasnt with me anymore. That he had indeed given up on me.

Today on my way home from work  (please keep in mind this is the exact same route that my friend drove because we do live pretty close together) Anyway back to my story.... Today I am in passenger seat and my husband is driving us home. I am on my phone checking facebook and then look up to see a school bus right beside us on the highway at 5:25 this evening. In the last few years since I have lived here, I have never seen a school bus on this stretch of road either. Tears came to my eyes and I thought of the story my friend shared with me. In total disbelieft I share the story with my husband and then asked him " Have you ever seen a school bus on this road?" His reply was " No and I was just getting ready to comment about that to you, but you started telling me this story" Ok I seriously have chills running down my spine right now. Could this have been a simple coincidence or is this an answered prayer for someone I thought completely abandoned me? Some of you may think this is all pretty crazy and it is, but I think my faith has been restored.

I wanted to add something to this. The sign I recieved yesterday, I dont believe it was a sign I will be pregnant soon. I think it was more of a sign saying, " I am  here". God knows how far away I have been and how abandoned I felt by him. I really believe he told me yesterday he does hear me and he is here.

Just what I needed

I wanted to wait until I got blood results back from RE and make one post, but I havent heard anything yet. Today after returning to work from getting my blood drawn, I saw a post on my Facebook from my salon. I guess I was picked for a December drawing (which I didnt even know anything about) and won the following. I wonder if this is a sign of the good things to come this year? I have NEVER won anything... until now!

Isnt it just fantastic???? I love it!

On ttc news front. As I said I went to have blood drawn this morning. Hopefully my levels are zero so we can move on. The nurse asked if we were still interested in the Karotyping test and I told her yes, definitely. They are suppose to get that set up for us. I am CD10 today, if by some miracle I can get a smiley face on my OPK then my doctor will call me in some progesterone during this natural cycle. We also talked about our decision on ivf and what program we finally chose. My RN feels pretty confident that we should have some snowbabies out of our two fresh ivf cycles. At first I thought if we didnt get any then our (2) FET cycles were just a waste. After considering the cost, we are getting a good deal for two fresh cycles and if we are lucky even to have frozen embryos left our FET will be a special bonus.

Looks like this year is off to a good start and im ready for it.

Scared Sh*tless......

I know that im no different from anyone else going into the new year. A flood of postive, self empowering thoughts runs through our minds. I know my resolution this year was to be happy with my life regardless if we got pregnant or not. This is still my plan and I continue to work on it daily.

I feel a little weird that we arent doing any treatments this month. It doesnt seem right. I did buy a over the counter OPK, so hopefully I will ovulate this month. I dont want to be cheated out of my 2% chance of concieving naturally this month :).

So my husband and I were eating lunch out today and started talking about ivf. I didnt think I would be such a nervous wreck about this. I guess when we were going through iui, I always knew if it failed we had ivf. What if ivf fails? We dont have the money to do it again for another year or two. I told my husband today that I wish I wasnt as knowledgable about IF as I am now. People dont realize what a true miracle not only getting pregnant, but carrying a baby to term is. I feel like im at the bottom of a mountain and getting ready to start climbing without shoes, water, or climbing gear. By some alignment of good luck, I will manage to get all the way up the mountain. I guess this brings me back to my new years resolution " be happy with my life regardless if we have a baby or not". I have to keep reminding myself of that. At this point, I am so scared! I will continue forth to our upcoming ivf treatments. I willl prepare myself for the worst and hope for the best. That is all I can do. I will do everything physically and mentally to prepare for this, but in the back of my mind I have to also know there is a chance for failure. I have to prepare myself for that reality also.

Im not ready to consider what will come after ivf, if it fails. I do know that we will make it though. I truly hope that this, " the year of the dragon" will be my year and all the other lovely ladies on here. I also hope that I can move on if its not.  I cant keep living with this fear of the unknown though.