Good Bye 2012

Good bye 2012. I won't be sad to see you go. This year has been filled with a lot of heartache. Two failed ivf's, failed TI cycles and my failed iui just a week ago. I can't say this year has totally been horrible because I am healthy, married to the most amazing man ever and have a beautiful teenager daughter who is awesome (especially for being a teenager).  For the most part my life is truly blessed. 

I am looking forward to 2013. 


For the past few days I have been really upset and feeling like my RE has just given up on me. Maybe he feels that I need more help then what he can offer me and is trying to do the best thing? I wish that CCRM was an option for us, but it just isn't. No matter what way we try to swing it, this just isn't an option. Donor Egg isn't an option at this point either. Due to our insurance and finacial responsibilites, we just don't have many options at this point. I am in the process of talking with a fellow blogger who is pregnant after years of trying. Her story is truly amazing. She seen Dr. Kwak Kim in Chicago who is an immunology RE. After change in her medications etc. and some time she is finally pregnant. I have hope due to the fact that she like me had many chemical pregnancies and was told she would most likely never concieve with her own egg. Well she did and seen a heartbeat this week. I spoke to my husband and we are going to try to get a consultation with Dr. Kwak Kim this year. At least she can work with my RE and get us possibly on a different regimen for treatment. I can't continue to do the same thing over and over. It is very obvious that even know our tests are all normal, we have an underlying issue with eggs or chromosonal abnormalites.  I am going to talk with my RE this week and get tested for the MTHFR gene. We are also going to get a LAP done in January. I am going to take things upon myself and change my vitamin regimen. From what I understand, folate is very important with people who have immune issues. I have been taking aspirin for many months now. I have felt that the aspirin in part has allowed us to actually get as far as we have. My first ivf I didn't take aspirin and it was a bfn. All my other cycles I have and we are at least getting chemical pregnancies.

Lets see what 2013 holds in store for my family this year. At the very least, I hope for our health and happiness (with or without a baby). 

Punched in the gut

I received the dreaded phone call today. You  would think I would be referring to my hcg levels dropping to 19, but that is the good news. My doctor suggested that my husband and I go to the Colorado Center for Reproductive Medicine and have ivf with preimplantation genetic diagnosis (pgd). Of course we don't have insurance and there is no way we could even think about affording this option. So truly, it isn't an option. For some reason our embryos are not making it due to chromosomal abnormalities in the developing baby. 

To have a healthy pregnancy is going to be like "finding a needle in a hay stack". Yes my doctor did tell me this over the phone today. He said that he is more then happy to keep working with us and doing everything possible to help us. He said it is all up to me and how much I can emotionally handle. I told him that I am not a quitter and I have a lot of fight left in me. I don't care if we only have a needle in a haystack chance. I will get my glasses on and start looking for that needle. In all seriousness though. I am hurt and pretty angry, but Al and I are so determined. We have already been through so much and there are many of people that don't understand why we keep doing this to ourselves. I can't make them understand, I don't want to make them understand. I just want my husband and I side by side fighting this battle. We will keep fighting this until (A) we run out of money or (B) we are emotionally drained or (C) we actually get pregnant.  For a minute we both agreed that putting a 2nd mortgage on our house or something else that will put a strain our lives in the future is not an option any longer. We took a loan out of our 401 K and almost have it paid back. We have to think about our financial future along with my daughters.

I also spoke with Dr. H about going forward with my laproscopic surgery. I think I am scheduled for January 17th. Until then I will get my mind and body healthy and prepared for anything this world wants to throw at us. Wish I could just tell they universe that she picked the wrong lady to fuck with.

Guess that is all I have for today. Oh! I am also going to ask the doctor if they tested me for the MTHFR gene mutation. My husband thought it would be covered in our karotyping, but I am thinking it is a separate test. If I haven't been tested, I am going to request it.

So I was punched in the gut today, felt the pain, and now am fighting back.

12/29/2012

I woke up this morning and took another test. It was significantly lighter then the day before. My levels are dropping quickly. That is at least one good piece of news. I am going in Saturday for more bloodwork. I am also going to talk with Dr. H. about going forward with the laparoscopic surgery as soon as possible. I am not sure what else we can do? I mean we have had every test to see why we keep having chemical pregnancies and everything is normal. Where do you even go from here?  I spoke with Al this morning and he agrees that we should move forward with our iuis. He thinks that eventually one will have to work and I hope he is right. 

I would really like to take this time to touch on something that all of us hold very near and dear. I would like to respectfully request that anyone I know please refrain from telling me this is God's will or he will only give me what I can  handle etc. I try to be very respectful of your wishes and your faith, please be respectful in the fact that I am really tired of hearing this said to me. I could go on, but I think this makes my point very clear.

I think that pretty well sums things up. If you don't hear much from me in the weeks to come, please understand that I am taking a step back so I can continue to move forward.

I hope you all have a Happy New Year and let 2013 be a year of laughter, love, and happiness. 

Its Over

My hcg level was 91 today. No Christmas miracle here

17DPIUI

Here I am 17DPIUI. I haven't had any bleeding since last Friday. My pee sticks are no longer working. The test line has been as dark as or darker then the control line for days now. I am in a weird good place? I go in tomorrow for my 3rd Beta. I am nervous, but then again, I'm not. Does that even make any sense? I have a weird inner feeling of peace inside. I know in all reality that just because I am not bleeding doesn't mean that everything is progressing etc. But, I have made it so far this time! I've had the darkest pee sticks ever and I am just accepting in whatever comes tomorrow. 

Please keep me in your thoughts. Since it has been 144 hours since my  last beta and it was 75, if things double at 48 hours, it should be around 600 tomorrow. I would be more then happy with 600. If I pass this beta then this has officially been my longest running cycle. 

You have noticed that my titles are still stating how many days post iui I am. Right now I don't feel comfortable putting weeks pregnant. That is something that I will have to work on.

Hope you all had a Merry Christmas and were able to spend time with loved ones, eat great food and celebrate your own special family traditions. 

 Bottom is most recent (This morning)

 Top is most recent (This morning)

15DPIUI

My Christmas Miracle

13DPIUI and beautiful progression on pee sticks. 

 I wanted to give a bit of a update today. Are you ready for this? I have had basically no bleeding. Although I did have a little 10 minute episode yesterday of dark red blood, it was gone in no time. I am sick to my stomach, and it feels like pulling down in my uterus. Instead of being tired I have insomnia  bad. 

If you remember, we weren't going to start treatments up again until next year. I asked Al if he would give me an iui for Christmas not thinking much of it and well you can see the outcome. We had three beautiful follicles. I am definitely feeling more confident as the days go by and the bleeding is staying away and the numbers are going up. This happened to a girl that never believed in miracles and really hated Christmas. How can I still hate Christmas when I have been given the most precious gift a person could ask for? I will be very clear that even if this pregnancy doesn't become viable, I feel so extremely blessed for making it this far.

My nurse wanted to do beta #3 this Sunday, but we are going out of state to visit my husbands family. We didn't go see them last year because we were in the middle of a chemical pregnancy from iui and I was devastated. Since we have to do the blood test in 48 hour intervals, we have to wait until Thursday. I am stocked up on pee sticks and even if they stop getting as dark as I like, I will make it through. What ever will happen is going to happen. It is out of my control now and I can only do what is in my power to help this pregnancy along.

Just wanted to update you guys a little on the events within last few days. I GOT MY CHRISTMAS MIRACLE(S).

12DPIUI Part 2

10DPIUI HCG 23
12DPIUI HCG 75

12DPIUI Part 1

Guess we can start off with pee stick pictures this morning :)

I have been dreaming for the last few  years that my pee sticks would progressively get darker and I would not be bleeding. Still trying to wrap my head around this recent turn of events. Went for beta #2 this morning. In order for it to double, the number would have to be 46. 

I have no idea how far along I am? 12DPO ?

I will update you guys later with hopefully good news :)

11DPIUI/11DPO

I will go ahead and post my FRER picture from this morning

Please excuse me this morning. This post is probably going to be all over the place and scrambled at best. I went in yesterday at 10DPO and my hcg was 23 and my progesterone was 30. The number 30 was ALL me! The progesterone support I was taking doesn't show up in your blood stream. Any of you that have been following me know, my progesterone levels always suck. Even on my ivf with 2cc of progesterone daily it was only in mid 20's. I am really shocked and excited about this. My lines might be getting darker, but they DEFINITELY are not getting lighter and that is huge! I had some bleeding yesterday for about 3 hours and it was kinda watery and orange looking. Nothing since 7 last night and that is HUGE. I called my clinic and asked if we could switch from endometrim to the progesterone oil injections. I don't want to take any chances of unnecessarily bleeding if I don't have to.  We started injections last night. If I was ever going to have a viable pregnancy, this would be it. Unfortunately my husband isn't saying much except "it is early". I know he has been hurt so many times by our failed cycles and I do understand. I wish things were different though, it would be nice to have him jumping up and down about right now. I go in tomorrow for my beta #2. Fingers crossed that my numbers are rising like they should.

I never thought that the decision to have Al give me an iui for Christmas would turn into a Christmas miracle. Even if it doesn't work out, I still consider this a Christmas miracle :)

10DPIUI and Beta

Beta #1 on 10DPO came back at 23! and my progesterone is 30!!! My RE said these are fantastic numbers!!!!

10DPIUI UPDATE

I don't want to get my hopes up due to all the chemical pregnancies I've had within the last year. Here is a pic from this morning * knock on wood* no bleeding yet.

I went in for a beta draw. They want to see at least 10 since I am only 10DPIUI. Bad news, I can home and wiped.. there was spotting on toilet paper.

8DPIUI

Not much to report on my cycle today. I think it was a bust again. Luckily I have prepared myself for this outcome. Just waiting for cd1 to show up so I can start medications again. I wanted to do a Follistim cycle this go around, but with monitoring it is going to fall on Christmas and we will be out of town. Guess I will do another round of femara with iui this go around and then move back to Follistim. 

I mentioned this on my facebook infertility group, but forgot to blog about it. I ordered some more fabric this weekend to make baby quilts. I haven't finished my first one yet, but it should be done in next week. My MIL is going to show me how to back and quilt it. Then it is off to a special lady who is now pregnant after infertility. That is my plan with these quilts. I want to send them out to woman who have suffered through this disease and are now pregnant. Of course I am not fast enough yet or good enough to make it for everyone who I follow on here, but I will do my best to get my bases covered. I am really excited about this! 


Any big plans for Christmas?

Funny Infertility Friday

Last nights Christmas party was actually very nice. Once I told myself that I had no other choice but to attend, I changed my mindset and really enjoyed it. My bosses are very giving and spare no expense at these dinners. Here was our menu last night. With the exception of lobster bisq, everything else was amazing. I even had two glasses of wine and it helped with my headache and body aches :) OMG the pate was absolutely amazing also! I am not usually one for goose liver, but wow!

Hors D' Oeuvres

Foie Gras Torchon with Blueberry Vanilla Jam on Brioche

Tuna Tar Tar with Sweet Soy on Crispy Wonton - Gluten Free

Pork Pate with Chimay Beer Mustard on Grilled Bread

Soup

Lobster Bisque

Compose Lobster garnish and accompaniments

Salad

Poached Pear and Chicory Salad

Prosciutto, Spiced Candied Walnuts, Brown Butter Vinaigrette

Entree

Dry Aged Prime Rib Eye Roast

Green Beans, Onion Jam, Herb Potato Gnocchi, Veal Jus

Special Order - same as above, except substitute Fingerling Potato for Gluten Free

Dessert

Pistachio Macaroon with Raspberry Mousse and Mango Sorbet

 

 

4DPIUI

I woke up this morning feeling absolutely terrible. Heck I didn't even do my progesterone this morning :( Hoping that I am not coming down with the flu. I was just telling my husband a few days ago that I should go get a flu shot this weekend. Now I am feeling achy, feverish, and just like plain crap. To make things worse, my company Christmas party is tonight. There is only ten of us all together (spouses included). My bosses take us to the county club and we have a wonderful dinner and many bottles of expensive wine. Since I am in my tww I can't drink as it, but the way I feel today, I hope that I can at least eat. Our dinner starts at 6:00 pm and I have to head over there straight from work so we won't get home until close to 11:00 pm. Gosh I am truly dreading this today :(

Hope to be feeling better soon.


Anyone else in their tww?

Infertility Facebook Page

Hey ladies, just a reminder, I set up a private facebook group for infertility support. We also have plenty of pregnant woman on there too. We have all or are all suffering from infertility and this is a nice little group to have some support if interested.

I have a link at the top right corner of my page called Infertility Journey or you can just do a search on facebook for us.


Today is 3DPIUI. This is first time I have ever used the Prometrin suppositories and they are DISGUSTING! Out of all the progesterone support I have ever used, these break the record for being the nastiest things ever. EWWW! Other then that I have nothing to share about my iui :) 

I did talk to my RE the other day, he wanted to call personally and  tell me that all of our RPL blood work came back completely normal. I asked him if we could go ahead early next year and do the LAP surgery. I am still completely torn on this surgery. I hate to have it and they find nothing, but I would be more upset to not have it and there is something. I guess after this surgery, we have done everything to find out what is wrong with us and found nothing. He said whenever I am ready he will do the surgery. Oh I also googled  *how many iui's have you had done* the other day. The highest amount I found was 10 before the woman was successful. Wonder if I will beat the record? LOL.... I can tell everyone when we get pregnant that it took 2 ivfs and 20 iuis. Wouldn't that be something? 

I would definitely deserve this pin!

Hoping everyone has a great Wednesday! I am sitting at work alone as always :)

How many of you have horrible incompetent co-workers? What do you do to tolerate them?

Funny Morning

My daughter has some how decided to turn into a jokester. This morning she placed Harry inside the shower. SURPRISE!!

Weekend

I had a pretty busy weekend. Friday I went in for my second laser tattoo treatment. Man that hurt! I really can't wait to see the finished product though, very excited!! Here is a pic (kinda gross though)

We had our sister and her family over for a early Christmas dinner on Sunday. It was a huge success. Al fried a turkey and it was so juicy. My sister bought my daughter a Harry Styles cardboard cutout and she started to cry she was so happy. I video taped in on my phone, but for some reason it is upside down. Here is a pic of her with Harry (LOL). I laugh every time I see this!!

 Here are a few more pics from our little get together.....

The girls with their Stompeez

The whole group with Harry!





I also wanted to say a few things. Here lately I have received so many comments about my positive attitude. This is something that has been very special for me within the last few months. I spent so long being angry and bitter. It took so much from me emotionally and physically. I guess one day it was like being hit over the head. I realized that all that what is happening to me is completely out of my control. I want to be happy and love my life for what it is. I think deep down I know that treatments will eventually work, we just have to stick with it and have hope. I told me doctor yesterday that they will see me every month until I get my bfp :) I also know that everyone will process their feelings differently and I don't want to place judgement on those people. I can tell you for me personally, this change of perspective has made my life good again and I am smiling. 


 

IUI #5

Ask me almost three years ago if I thought I would be to this point today? The answer was of course no. We left the house this morning bright and early at 6:15 for our transfer on iui#5. It feels so weird going back to iui's after my failed ivf's, but it also feels good. In my mind I have already accepted the fact that ivf is a past and soon to be distant treatment that failed and we have to move on.


Here is a rundown on todays procedure:

Sperm count was 30 million
(3) follicles which were (2) 16's and (1) 18 on Friday.

The transfer was difficult as always. After about half an hour the doctor pulled out ole faithful (the ivf catheter). I bled and am still spotting some along with a few cramps. Every time we have a transfer of any kind my doctor always apologizes. Of course I say, its fine and it is the price we are paying for a baby.

As odd as this may sound, I am happy to be doing treatments again. I feel blessed that we are able to at least afford iui's and maybe this time, next time or 10 more times, we will achieve our ultimate goal and be pregnant.

Shhhhh

I just left the doctors office like 30 minutes ago and swore I was not going to share this news until later. With that being said, we all know I have a big mouth!

I went into my RE's office this morning for my cd12 u/s. I haven't been feeling much going on downstairs. Assuming I had only one half ass mature follicle would be good at this point. After pants down and legs up, insert dildo cam, I had (3) mature follicles. Two on my right and one of my left. Since my doctor wasn't in today, Dr. C (which I love her) asked about doing an iui this month. I went on to explain that DH was wanting to wait after the new year for treatment like that. She then asked if it was due to finances or what. I told her it was due to the physically and mental exhaustion of a failed ivf cycle with ectopic pregnany. That really took so much out of both of us. She did understand. I was then given a specimen cup and instruction for both TI or if we wanted to come in Sunday for iui. I asked how much and was told it would be $301. She also drew me a nice picture of my vagina, cervix, and uterus to show how many sperm reach what point etc. I almost wanted to keep and post on here. Pretty funny stuff! I called my husband and said " Al you have asked what I wanted for Christmas, I know now. I want an iui" Yes I did say that. How many do you know that will ask for a fertility treatment over diamonds for Christmas? Probably most of us on here :)
After some talking, he agreed.


We are having our iui this Sunday!!!!!!  (actually #5) 

but this means we are back on the ttc train.......................................

SHHHH please. I don't want alot of people knowing this information. I am trying to keep our treatments from this point forward pretty quiet.


Hope everyone has great weekend :) 

As Predicted............

As predicted, my test have all came back completely normal. I received word yesterday that my Karotyping was back and it was normal. All my ovarian reserve test came back absolutely fine. Still waiting on a few more, but as of now I am in every way, shape, and form able to get pregnant. I wish that my body would get the memo on this. We are still waiting on my husbands karyotyping to also come back. 

I am looking forward to this weekend. My sister, BIL, & nieces are taking a trip to California for Christmas. We are having a little early Christmas dinner and gift exchange before they leave. I bought the girls those silly stompeez. If you don't know what they are, it's slippers that when you stomp the ears of bunny etc. move up and down. There a few different animals. I also buy them a yearly membership to the zoo. The girls love going and seeing all the animals. Al is going to deep fry a turkey and since it is going to be cold (Finally!) we will have a nice entertaining fire lit. It should be a nice weekend. Unfortunately my daughter will be going through her colon cleanse, so she may just keep to herself.

Gosh we need more nieces and nephews so I can spoil them!! We have Al's side of family, but never see the kids much. When they lived here for short period of time, it was fun seeing them and spoiling them :) My sister is done having children so I guess it is up to Al
's two sisters :) Either that or we will just have to adopt random friends kiddos to spend money on... I don't think any of my friends with have an objection to that. 

Well today is CD11. On my ovulation strip,  the line is still light. Go in for u/s tomorrow. I keep thinking to myself that I am wasting money with Timed Intercourse cycles. I almost wonder if I shouldn't just wait until February to start our iui with injections again. One of my fellow bloggers is doing a protocol of femara the first few days of stims and then Follistim for the last few. I am going to talk with RE about that idea. Injectable medication is so freaking expensive and especially without any coverage on it. Hoping he will say yes to give it a shot, and then it will produce some good follicles :) Only about 8 more weeks until treatment, come on time please fly by. 

This & That

It has been a very frustrating and bad week. I had to take my daughter to Childrens hospital yesterday. She has been having some issues lately and her stomach and bowels are completely full of stool. She is going to need a colonoscopy. We weren't able to get a appointment until the end of January. They want her to do a colon cleanse this weekend. Poor kid......

I have my u/s this Friday and not feeling to hopeful. I don't feel anything going on downstairs. Usually I feel the pressure, bloating etc. Ended up taking 7.5 mg of Femara this cycle also. Told a friend yesterday that I have a feeling this cycle is a bust and I haven't even ovulated yet.

Talked to my clinic yesterday regarding my D3 levels. I asked about up'ing my dosage of D3 since I have been supplementing for months now and my levels were still on 26. Waiting on a call back. Oh and I took ibuprofen this morning because nothing else was available at work and my migraines are back. Yes, I am a complete whine bag today.


I am not sure why I am allowing this week to get to me some much. It has just put me in a bad mood. I will update on my u/s Friday. Thinking I would be lucky to have one half ass follicle.

Test Results

I have recieved a few of my test back. Everything is looking pretty normal. My vitamin D levels are a little on low side of normal

Vitamin D3  (26)  He wants me to continue on my dosage of 2000 IU daily
Day 3 Estradiol- 27
TSH- 1.5
FSH-5.59
Anti-thyroglublin antibodies-20
AB Micro (TPO)- 7


Keep you updated.

Weekend

I decided to suck it up and help my husband decorate for Christmas this year. Whether I like it or not, it is happening. Plus our new neigbors decided to decorate so of course we have to do the same. After they seen our decorations yesterday, today they added more. Healthy competition never hurt anyone. Looks like we will be adding some more lights and decor :) 

 My favorite ornaments...... R for the Rapps

 My favorite football team

 My Waterford Crystal

 TTC News:

CD7 last night of Femara. Still waiting to hear back on blood results from my RPL panel. U/S on Friday the 7th!

Take Back & Funny Infertility Friday

Thinking I should take back the comment that femera doesn't have any side effects. This second round I have really noticed them. I am also on a higher dosage. Dizziness is the worst, headache, backache, and nausea. I thought it was a miracle drug compared to clomid, wrong. Oh well I only have this cycle and one more before I start my Follistim, so I can definitely deal with it.

 Had my blood work done on Wednesday for my RPL. Waiting to hear back. I know that the karotyping can take up to five weeks. I hope that I get my other results before then. I have already prepared myself for everything to come back normal with the exception of maybe vitamin D defecieny. That seems to be pretty common.

Funny Infertility Friday. Sorry if I have posted this one already, I am running low on pics :) Hope everyone has great weekend.

 BTW::::CycleSista's are back in commission. For the longest time it took you to the bike link. If you click on mine at the top right, it will take you to their page.

CD3

Without grossing anyone out with details, this cycle has been a "ball buster". I have never had such horrible cramping and bleeding, ever! The only thing I can think of is, this was my first real cycle since the ectopic in September. I was bleeding almost everyday from August until my levels hit zero again in November. So I really just assumed the bleeding after hcg went away was my CD1 and it probably was, but this was the first cycle with my body trying to get back to normal. Anyway glad the first two days are over and I am feeling better today. Tonight I will start my 7.5 mg of Femera and have my u/s on December 7th. 

I am really starting to second guess myself at this point. I know we can't afford ivf again without taking out loans and that isn't an option for us right now. We plan on moving to Colorado in a few years and want to put $ into house so we get more out of it. Plus we are still paying back the 401K Loan that my husband took out for the ivfs we had. Which may I add was a great idea. Low interest and while most 401K's were losing money, since we had loan out on it, we weren't effected. I guess things are really starting to hit me and I just don't see how any cycle forward is going to be successful when the most aggressive treatments were not. Of course I googled the success rates etc. Problem is, just because (5) woman out of 1,000 had success doesn't mean it will happen to me. I am at a crossroads big time. I will blame most of it on this time of the year. I hate this time of the year with a passion. It is filled with bad memories and I just want January to get here.

I tried talking my husband out of putting up Christmas decorations this year. He really wants to. I told him that was fine, but I am not putting anything up or taking it down. I just don't want to deal with it. Not because I am bitter either. I have NEVER liked Christmas. Well maybe when I was like 5 and there was a Santa Claus. Christmas music makes me want to slice my wrist with a butter knife. I am not a fan of the ugly Christmas sweaters or the reindeer car ornaments. Thank goodness I only have my sister and her family, so I am not forced to spend countless hours with each of our families during the holidays. We do go to Al's family's house for a day or two. I like to give Christmas presents early. So really just call me scrooge, because I am.

Guess that is all of the ranting for me today. Please universe let the next month fly by quickly. Let tax season hurry up and get here so I can deduct over $20,000 in medical expenses this year and hopefully get a break on my taxes... That is my Christmas wish for this year. 

Had all of my bloodwork done today for recurrent miscarriages, plus my karotyping. Will keep you guys updated on the results.

Loft Renovation Pics

It is hard to get good pics of the loft because it is so small. We tore down all the old wood paneling that was bowing and hanging. Since our house is super small at 1200. We have two bedrooms down stairs and then the loft upstairs. Cierra liked it up there so I decided to turn the downstairs bedroom into a craft room/office. Here are some pictures from our renovation that took all weekend long.

As you can see, it was pretty dark, nasty and almost scary up there!

Before you look at the new pics, please remember my daughter is DIE HARD ONE DIRECTIONER (that means fan, but the kids call themselves directioners). She also picked out the laffy taffy yellow room.

It is hard to tell in this blurry photo, but we laid down laminate flooring over in the cubby corner that the wall was knocked down.

Also on Thanksgiving, we took  our nieces to spend the night with us (Thanksgiving tradition). We went downtown OKC so they could see the Christmas decorations going up around the Devon Building. All of the decorating is still going on, but here are some pics!

Unfortunately all these pics were taken with my husbands phone because he took the memory card out of camera and left it at home. Yes I might have been a little upset with him.

 TTC Front:

Go in on Wednesday for baseline and start Femera 7.5 .