CD3

Without grossing anyone out with details, this cycle has been a "ball buster". I have never had such horrible cramping and bleeding, ever! The only thing I can think of is, this was my first real cycle since the ectopic in September. I was bleeding almost everyday from August until my levels hit zero again in November. So I really just assumed the bleeding after hcg went away was my CD1 and it probably was, but this was the first cycle with my body trying to get back to normal. Anyway glad the first two days are over and I am feeling better today. Tonight I will start my 7.5 mg of Femera and have my u/s on December 7th. 

I am really starting to second guess myself at this point. I know we can't afford ivf again without taking out loans and that isn't an option for us right now. We plan on moving to Colorado in a few years and want to put $ into house so we get more out of it. Plus we are still paying back the 401K Loan that my husband took out for the ivfs we had. Which may I add was a great idea. Low interest and while most 401K's were losing money, since we had loan out on it, we weren't effected. I guess things are really starting to hit me and I just don't see how any cycle forward is going to be successful when the most aggressive treatments were not. Of course I googled the success rates etc. Problem is, just because (5) woman out of 1,000 had success doesn't mean it will happen to me. I am at a crossroads big time. I will blame most of it on this time of the year. I hate this time of the year with a passion. It is filled with bad memories and I just want January to get here.

I tried talking my husband out of putting up Christmas decorations this year. He really wants to. I told him that was fine, but I am not putting anything up or taking it down. I just don't want to deal with it. Not because I am bitter either. I have NEVER liked Christmas. Well maybe when I was like 5 and there was a Santa Claus. Christmas music makes me want to slice my wrist with a butter knife. I am not a fan of the ugly Christmas sweaters or the reindeer car ornaments. Thank goodness I only have my sister and her family, so I am not forced to spend countless hours with each of our families during the holidays. We do go to Al's family's house for a day or two. I like to give Christmas presents early. So really just call me scrooge, because I am.

Guess that is all of the ranting for me today. Please universe let the next month fly by quickly. Let tax season hurry up and get here so I can deduct over $20,000 in medical expenses this year and hopefully get a break on my taxes... That is my Christmas wish for this year. 

Had all of my bloodwork done today for recurrent miscarriages, plus my karotyping. Will keep you guys updated on the results.