2012

Well 2012 I hope you turn out to be a good year. I will put the fact behind me that I have a horrible head cold going into the new year and know this isnt a sign of things to come :)

I have decided in 2012 that I will work on being acceptive and happy with my life just the way it is, a baby or no baby.

I have been down in the dumps that I lost some friends that were really close to me over this past year, but I also picked up a new friend and even being pregnant, she has been the best support system. I am truly thankful for her friendship. I guess we all think we have great friends and the real test is when you go through something "trying" in your life. At this point the true friends shine and the other fade away. I will not spend anymore time upset about this and I choose to really be thankful for all the people who have stuck with us throughout this.

I also want to take the time to acknowledge the amazing woman I have met through my blog. Some of your stories I read makes me realize how special you truly are. I also have to say that I have never met a stronger, determined, more supportive group in my life. Some of you have finally got a BFP and are off to be wonderful mothers and some of you are in the middle of a loss and trying again. Some of us are still working on seeing two lines. My hope for all of us, is that 2012 is a year of happiness. Regardless of what the circumstances, I hope that we all can have some joy in our hearts and make the best of this new year given to us.

Finally. I will take time today to sit back and think about all the wonderful things that did happen to me this year. Honestly, that is a pretty big list. Most of all, I have my health and so does my family.

Too a Happy New Years ladies!



 

There is a bright side.........

While on our break until ivf, there is a bright side. Here are some of the things that I gladly dont have to think about for a month or so..

#1. No dildo cam. This means I get to keep my pants on and no audience checking out my goodies up  for     display.

#2 I dont have to shave my legs in a last minute attempt before heading to RE office!

#3 No injections that burn like hell :)

#4 No Menopur induced migraines lasting a week!

#5 No sitting in the RE's office looking at other woman as sad as I am.

#6 No hoping my ovaries produce some quality eggs this month

#7 No timed intercouse so my husbands sperm level is just right and has great motility

#8 No rubber cathedar shooting sperm into my uterus, while I have the "un-lubed metal duck bills stuck in me"

#9 No progesterone

and finally the best......................................

#10 No expectations which include early testing and hoping we get a BFP....

So this is what I am completely thankful for. There actually is a brightside, you just have to pick it out of the clouds  that block our vision.

I look forward to 2012!

My Name is Tonisha and................

Hello everyone. My name is Tonisha and im a Google addict. This relationship started out so innocently and then went to hell in a hand basket so quickly. At the beginning of our infertility journey I used google for common things, such as googling: side effects of medications, procedures I was having done and recovery times etc. The rest is a blur and im not sure how it got to this point, but...... its like I woke up one day and I find that there are a millon of couples just like me! They are suffering through primary and secondary infertility. There are thousands of websites with all kinds of information about iui's, ivf, progesterone, luteal phases, chemical pregnancies. You name and bam its there. I learned that all these other woman also had a "google phd" just like me! They also knew their doctor was wrong and why couldnt the doctor see what was really wrong and fix it, just like me! I do have to admit, its absolutely amazing that I am an expert on reproductive endocrinology and I didnt even have to go to college. How many people can say that?  I learned many interesting facts by googling. Did you know that chemical pregnancies are very common? Yes they happen (according to what website or forum you look at ) 25%-70%  of the time. A luteal phase is (according to what website or forum you look at) anything from under 10-12 days. It is also possible when you insert Crinone for it to work better if you stand on your head and fart really loud, twice. (sorry I had to add that one). Well I think everyone gets my point. So where do I go from here? At what point do I give up control and let my doctor do his job? I mean he is obviously qualified, right?


I sat down last night and had a conversation with my husband about moving on to IVF. It is honestly scaring the shit out of me. I told him since we had multiple chemical pregnancies maybe we should consider genetic testing before moving forward. ( I got that idea from Dr. Google also). Or maybe we should get a second opinion? How is it possible that my doctor, being as sweet and nice as he is, could possibly care about me getting pregnant as much as I do. My husband said I need to stay off the internet because its turning me obsessive and complusive (my words, not his). I told him I dont want to do IVF unless he can give us some assurance that we wont end up having more chemical pregnancies and wasting all this money. I know that the doctor cant do something like that. I also know that most of you are paying completely OOP and know the huge hole it is leaves. We can only afford to do this multi-cycle thing one time. What if it fails? So many fears going through my head and I am so unsure about everything.


I did promise my husband last night that I would  "try" to quit googling. I dont know if I have mentioned this to any of you before, I quit smoking a little over two years ago. I started smoking when I was a teenage at 14 and smoke until I was 34. I thought quitting smoking was the hardest thing I have ever done, but it doesnt hold a candle to quitting "googling". I know that sounds super lame, but its so easy to get online and find so many different people suffering along with you.


Well I guess I have blabbered enough today. There are things for my New Years Resolution and the top two are: quit googling and put trust in my doctor and hope all  his years in college will ultimately pay off for me.

Beta #2 Chemical (Lesson Learned!)

Just recieved call back from doctor and hcg was 14 and progesterone dropping. At least I can say this is the most unique Christmas gift ever! I have to go back next Tuesday and be tested again. They will test until my levels reach zero..... (and the fun never stops,huh) insert sarcastic laugh and a middle finger.

Thanks for being so supportive ladies. It seems you are the only ones I can talk to about this. I had a friend from my real life text me and ask if we should take a break from all the stress. Any person knows that going through IF, it just pisses you off worse when ppl ask if you should take  a break (even with the best intentions).

I learned a VERY  important lesson from this. NO more early testing, ever, ever, ever. If I didnt test on the day of my missed period and just waited, this would have been SO much less stressful.

Well I had to go in this morning for my 2nd Beta. I took another test and there is still a line, but no darker within last few days. My nurse is so sweet and so geniune. Everything was fine until she asked me to describe the bleeding. Are you serious? Its red and its blood thats been here for 3 days (pretty self explanitory). I told her not to bother calling me with the results that I already knew what was going on. She then said that unfornantely she had too. They have to follow you hcg levels down, unless it is lower today. Then she would have to contact me about starting my birth control for ivf preparation. I dont know why I am taking this so hard, but I am. I am in a complete slump and have a total F U attitude, ugh this isnt how I want to be. Maybe after today since im no longer testing, I can start moving forward and focusing on ivf. I think my biggest fear now with the two chemical pregnancies with a few months is we are going to pay and go through ivf and find out there is something wrong with chromos and then we are out of 20,000. Heck I dont know. That might not even be a legitimate thought, but it seems the most sensible out of all the ones im having.

I will update later on test results. The office closes at noon so she said she would, (at my request) email instead of call by noon.

Pour some more salt in the wound.

I called my doctors office this morning to see if I could go ahead and get this bloodwork over. I have sat home four days now, one minute seeing I was pregnant and the next minute bleeding and still showing im pregnant. Test going darker and lighter and darker and lighter. Well they wouldnt let me come in today and get this shit over with. I guess I am the only one who would like to be in some peace and not string this out any longer. Why couldnt this have been simple and just been a BFN like im used too? I mean I wouldnt wish this on my worse enemy and it seems as nature, god or whoever is suppose to be in control of things is just pulling those strings and laughing it up. I am beyond bitter at this point and not understanding why I couldnt go in one day fucking early and at least have a definite answer so I could start moving on. Ugh. That is pretty well sums everything up today. This has been the worse Christmas. I want the New Year to just get here already.

The Ultimate Tease

Well I woke up this morning to hoping to see a darker line on my test. My FRER had one line and my clear blue easy said not pregnant. Yes you heard me correctly. This last cycle was the ultimate tease and on Christmas no less. After a minute of my faith being restored within last few days, thinking that wow this could honestly be a Christmas miracle...... today its gone. I guess in some ways I feel relieved. I knew it was to good to be true. I havent been able to get pregnant for two years now, why would this have done the trick. I feel so stupid for getting excited about all of this. My husband is absolutely heartbroken. I feel so bad for him. He doesnt understand all that can "not" happen after a positive pregnancy test. I tried to explain to him that it takes so much more after the test, but he thinks it says pregnant, so we are pregnant. That only happens to the lucky people as you are well know. Well enough with self pity. I refuse to let this ruin my Christmas. I am blessed with my family and friends. Looks like we are on schedule for IVF#1 starting February 2012!

Before I go, I want all of you to know how special I think you are. The support that goes around in this group is absolutely amazing. I get more support and love from you ladies then I do so called "true" friends I have in real life, with the exception of a few.. (they know who they are) I know that some of us have and/or will go on to get pregnant and some of us wont, but I know for a fact that the support will always remain strong between us.

Merry Christmas!

1st Beta

Well I got the results from my bloodwork. Since im only 10DPIUI she said it would be low. My hcg is 10.7 and my progesterone is 13.9. Which this is the highest my progesterone has ever been. I am on Crinone so actually my progesterone is alot higher since it doesnt show up in blood. She said im definitely pregnant. They dont usually test this early. I wont test again until Tuesday morning. I hope this is it.

Why is it that when we get a positive test or 2,3,4,5 etc. that we still have to question everything. I should be overjoyed right now, but im just really scared. I guess its probably good that on 9DPO anything showed up in bloodwork. I just hope and pray this is for real..

Pregnant

According to my clearblue easy.... It says 99% accurate?

9DPIUI

Since AF is suppose to be here tomorrow, I decided to test. After looking and squiting I thought I saw a VERY faint line. To make this even sicker I have carried the test with me to work and keep pulling it out to see if the line gets any darker. I think the kicker is, its all in my head and my mind just wants me to see one. Can I please get the "ate up" award for the week? Geez I feel pathetic. I have no symptons, but I also have no AF symptons either. I guess my last cycle couldnt end quietly and uneventful.

8DPIUI

Ok here is my theory. I think that iui's are complete and total bullshit. I was looking on Cycle Sistas yesterday and there were (6) of us going through iui this month. Unfortnanetly (4) didnt take and the other (2) are still in 2WW. I have a huge feeling I will be the next on the "didnt work" list either. I sit back and think that I effing hate iui's and it is put in place to tease woman with the possibility of pregnancy. At the end of the 2WW it says " haha not this month". Why did I even waste my time with this crap? If I would have tried one or two cycles, then I could have moved to ivf and "possibly" been pregnant for Christmas. Ok. Yes I know im sounded like a complete bitter bitch today, but this gets old.

Symptons today.... a big fat...............................Nothing! and I should be starting period on Friday unless the progesterone wants to be a cruel bitch and prolong. I think we will have about a month possibly before we start preparation for our ivf cycle. I was waiting until we got the bfn for this cycle before I started getting prepared for next step.

I still plan on having a good Christmas and hanging out in pjs for a few days and stuffing my face. I have a bottle of wine that hasnt been cracked open in ages, maybe a glass of wine. Oh and enjoy some intimate time with my husband and not have to worry about procreating in a sample cup to cathedar to uterus.

On a lighter note, here is our 12 Days of Christmas (Thanks to 999 reason to laugh at inferility)

On the first day of Infertile Christmas, my true love gave to me
male factor infertility.
On the second day of Infertile Christmas, my doctor sent to me
a bill for our failed fertility.
On the third day of Infertile Christmas, my mother said to me,
“Why aren’t you pregnant yet? We have a fertile family tree.”
On the fourth day of Infertile Christmas, cousin Sally said to me
She’ll announce her latest pregnancy after dessert and tea.
On the fifth day of Infertile Christmas, Aunt Bess offered her advice
“Just relax and it will happen” was her very helpful vice.
On the sixth day of Infertile Christmas, my period said to me
“I’m showing up on Christmas Day with evilness and glee.”
On the seventh day of Infertile Christmas, your little sister sang a tune
she is now three months pregnant from her honeymoon.
On the eighth day of Infertile Christmas, PCOS said to you,
“You won’t see ovulation until 2022.”
On the ninth day of Infertile Christmas, my mother said to me
“My friend’s daughter got pregnant after drinking some special tea.”
On the tenth day of Infertile Christmas, my fertility nurse said to me
“we’re closed during the holidays but you still owe us a fee.”
On the eleventh day of Infertile Christmas, your mother-in-law began to wave
“please make me a grandmother before I’m in the grave.”
On the twelfth day of Infertile Christmas, hope said to believe
that one day it will happen and you will conceive.

Whether you celebrate Christmas/Kwanzaa/Chanukah or Festivus, don’t let infertility ruin another holiday for you. You’ve wasted too many tears and  too many special moments already. It’s time to celebrate your life right now.

7DPIUI

I have a few words to sum up how I feel..... TIRED and DIZZY. Since I always start 10 days after ovulation, I have decided to test on Thursday.

Still Hanging In

Today I am 6DPIUI and I have a good feeling this month that my progesterone is actually working! I have had sore boobs, lower back pain, fatigue, and on/off again nausea. Its kinda exciting in the fact this is the first month I think it has actually worked. I go in tomorow for my week post u/s and progesterone test and I am sticking to my guns that I dont want to know my level. I want to continue breezing through this cycle and put all of my thoughts and effort to my ivf.

This weekend I went over and helped a very good friend decorate their nursery. They have a little boy that is due at the end of February. We decorated in a jungle theme with little monkeys everywhere. It was so cute. I cant wait to meet the little guy. After helping them we stopped by the SIL's house and seen our niece and nephew. I have tried to stay clear, but my husband really wanted to go. I thought since we are staying home for Christmas that I could let him have this. For some reason it doesnt bother me to be around a friend that is pregnant, but its different (as I have previously stated) with Sil.

My husband went out and bought a ham for Christmas dinner. His family is really upset that we arent going to their house during Christmas. My DH told them it was due to doctor appointments and our treatment. His dad has been guilt tripping him about not coming. Heck just to make things fair, I decided we wouldnt go see my family either. If I had one Christmas wish besides the obvious of getting pregnant, it would be that other people could understand what infertility does to you mentally. If you have suffered from it, you have no idea.

I went to get my hair colored and cut on Saturday and my hair dresser is about 6 weeks pregnant. She told me that she thought she had a urinary tract infection. She didnt know that frequent peeing was early sign of pregnancy. She is hoping to get a vacation in before the baby is due and she already found a photography to take newborn pics. She says all of this with best of intentions. I mean she is a great kid and is a great mother to her little girl. It just goes back to the point, if you NEVER suffered from infertility then you have no flipping idea how somethings you say are hurtful to someone that is going through it.

The longer we get negatives on our cycles, the more I try to pull deep inside myself and stay postive. I want to remain the person I have always been. I want to know that I can accept that fact that I might never have a baby with my husband. We might always be the "cool" aunt and uncle. At this point, that is a very possible. I have been asked by certain people if we would consider adoption and/or fostering. My answer to that is no. There are certain people in this world cut out to adopt, I am not one of those people. If we ultimately cant have a child together, then like I said, we will give our attention to family members and friends. Maybe more vacations and toys. I have been blessed once in my life already with my daughter Cierra. If my plan is to only have one gift, then I should be grateful that I had that chance. She will be driving in a year and graduated in a few (how time flies).

For anyone reading this, I will apologize for my grammer and punctuation now :) Guess I was sleeping in class all those years ago.

3DPIUI

My thoughts this cycle hmmmm, well I have felt anything! Last month I had ovulation pains so I knew confidently that I had ovulated. This month nothing? I wonder when you get the hcg trigger shot what are the chances that you dont ovulate? Well that would be pretty rich that I didnt ovulate on my last cycle :)

Anyways I am looking forward to Christmas at home with just Al, Cierra, and me. Heck I might just stay in pajamas for 3 days :)

Final 2WW for 2011!

My iui went amazingly smooth today. I have to say that my doctor is a perfectionist and I like it. Our egg count was great, lining was great, but this month our sperm count was the lowest ever. Usually we are anywhere from 30-55 million, today was 18 million. It is what it is. My clinic likes to see at least 5 million so we are above that. My husband seemed somewhat disappointed. I told him that there is no "set" perfect cycle. We have obviously learned that during our procedures. It only takes one egg and one sperm, thats all. So I am off on my 2ww and I will not "google" or "test" this cycle. Either I will get pregnant or I wont, but I refuse to stress out this go around. I think it also helps that I know we are moving forward to ivf in February. Now that we have our finances and choose what program we will use, my stress levels is down to almost zero (which is new for me). I go in next week for my progesterone level test. I already told the nurse and doctor that I dont want the results this go around. It has always been under 5 with exception of one month and it causes me to worry even more.... Not this month.

I have a few blog buddies that are in the two week wait also and/or going to be within next few days. I wish you ladies all the luck in the world and hope you get a BFP.

Ivf is paid for!

Well my husband did exactly what he promised and we are now able to afford the multi cycle program through Attain! OMG I cant believe this is happening!

Iui #4

I just got back from Dr. H's office. Looks like repeat of last month with follicles. I have (3) above 18 and (1) around 16 and (1) around 15 and my lining is around 11. Our iui is set for 11am tomorrow. This is kinda of a bittersweet moment for me. I am happy to be done with the iui's and taking a break until ivf in February. With that being said, it will be really weird not going to the doctor office so many times a week. Yes I will be able to sleep in on Saturdays and Sundays now.

As many of you know we are scheduled for our first ivf in late February. We have been running around like chickens with our heads cut off trying to figure out financing on ivf. I know I am not the only woman to not have any coverage, but this is so beyond crazy! It is so unfair that couples who dont have infertily coverage have to come up with around 20,000 out of pocket. I made a promise to my husband last night that I would let him mess with the financial aspect of ivf for the next two weeks and I would try to stay as stress free as possible. That means I have to give up control (which isnt easy for me).

I know many of you are thinking I shouldnt get ahead of myself, that there is hope for this iui to take. Maybe. I have had almost four amazing cycles with iui. Great sperm count, motility, good number of eggs. So its hard for me to be a "postive patty" on this cycle. Plus if I get my hopes up, it makes it so much worse when the cycle fails. I made that mistake last cycle and it wont happen again.

Well im off for the 2WW. Technically for me, its the 10 day wait :) I hope everyone luck that is on the 2ww with me and I hope you get your BFP. My only Christmas wish this year is to be able to get ivf financing in order for February.

More or Less?

I recieved my email today from Attain. We were medically accepted to participate in the "Refund Program". I am really hoping to make the right decision on this. The refund program is pretty expensive and you get 6 cycles, (3) fresh (3) frozen and if you dont go home with baby you get a certain % refund. If you get pregnant first try then you have spent alot of extra money. The second option is multi cycle program which consists of 4 cycles, (2) fresh and (2) frozen. There is no refund on this, but it is also significantly cheaper then the other. As for both programs, there are certain things that neither of them cover and this will add up to another few thousand out of pocket. I feel like I am flipping a coin here and hoping its the right call.
After speaking to my doctor, he feels that we have a great shot, I mean 45-50% per cycle sounds like good odds to me.

Have any of you going through ivf had to make a similar decision? If so, could you tell me what your thought process was on making this decision? I would really like to hear from people that have been here and done this.

Acupunture

So acupunture was definitely not what I expected. First of all I didnt know that they hook electric up to your needles. I had needles put in the back of my calves, four in my back, one in each ring finger and one in my right thumb. I explained to the doctor that I dont liked to be touched as is. He was very considerate with that information and didnt touch anymore then he possibly had to. About 20 minutes into the procedure my foot was feel weird so I tried to wiggle my toes. This set off a weird sensation through my body that caught me off guard and I had a panic attack (ugh) after breathing through it I got control back and finished the procedure. I guess basically our goal yesterday was to get more blood flow through the ovaries to carry more medicine. The doctor was very religious and kinda pushed that off on me, but I didnt feel like debating religion while hooked up to electricity. After the procedure was done I was very dizzy and lightheaded (he said that was completely normal) for first time.

Fast forward to this morning: I slept all night(which I havent done in months) My week long headache has disappeared, my back is no longer hurting and im not sick to my stomach this morning. I feel freaking amazing! So if my iui fails next week, I will continue to see this doctor for my ivf work up. Maybe I will just put ear plugs in when it comes to discussing religion.

Oh yeah this was the reading material in waiting room, not what I expected to see:

Im getting poked tonight!

Yes you read the title correctly. I am getting poked tonight after work. This is my first ever experience with acupunture. I found someone that has worked very closely with my clinic and comes highly recommended. Wow it feels so weird for me to say this. Never, ever, ever did I dream I would get fertility acupunture done. Infact I remember saying a year or so ago. "that is such crap" hmmm maybe it is maybe it isnt, but I willing to give it a shot now.  I am going right now for my iui and then will start seeing him six weeks prior to my ivf. In all honesty I am still giggling about this. I always thought this was like a hippie thing, never got into eastern medicine. I hope no one takes offense to that statement, just being honest.

Today is cd 8 and here is my follie count so far: Right side largest is 12, 10 then 10 less than 10. Left side is 13,10 and 8 less than 10. Go back Saturday for another u/s to see how my little ladies are progressing.

We are IVF bound.

We had our consult with Dr. H and covered everything under the sun plus some :) We talked about my issues with progesterone. He did agree my progesterone levels were low, but that really shouldnt affect getting pregnant. As for last cycle that failed, he assured me that my progesterone levels were within range of being able to get pregnant. He told my that my ovarian reserve is "fantastic" for my age. He said that I have done very well with the stims and he feels IVF is our next step. I probably forgot to tell everyone that I put myself on the ivf waiting list without consulting with my doctor. The waiting list was long and I felt in my heart that iui's would not work. He found out a few weeks ago. I told him I was being aggressive with treatment. Anyhow we have about 46-50% chance of pregnancy per cycle of ivf. This is a HUGE difference from iui and that is shown in the cost!  We also discussed the "what if" this cycle doesnt work? Dr. H believes that a clomid w/iui is a huge step back from where we are now. With the injectables, we have the highest chance with iui for pregnancy.

My conclusion to todays consult is we are finishing this cycle and then taking a break until we start process of  ivf. So we will most likely start our birth control pill in beginning of February. I feel very much at peace with our decision. Now we have to get started on the financial aspect of ivf and that I am not looking forward to.

Feeling Much Better

Well its been almost a week since I found out that my iui failed and two days since I started my injections for next go around. I am feeling so much better this week. For some reason, failing my 3rd iui really hit home with me. I was an emotional, crying mess for days. From day one of realizing we had issues concieving I always knew in my heart that we would, it might just take some time. Maybe the failure of #3 made me realize that concieving might not happen for us (idk).  With the fact that I am feeling much better, I still have zero hope for this cycle to work. I will do my iui, take my progesterone and wait for AF to get here. Dont get me wrong, I am not being negative about all of this, I am being realistic :). 

Counting down the days until stims for my ivf :) I have a feeling that one day I will say " it was worth all the heartbreak, tears, stress for my beautiful baby(s).

I will update on Wednesday after our consult.

As always I have a few blog buddies that are in early stages of little beans sticking. Good luck ladies :)

CD 4

Well this hasnt been the greatest week. First I find out that #3 was another bust, then my Sooners get an ass kicking from OSU (which makes me want to puke). And to put cherry on top, our weather man said yesterday we were suppose to get 3-7 inches of snow and now today we arent getting anything (Blah).

I had my doctor appointment this morning. Since I am cycle day #4 and our consult isnt until Wednesday, I had to make a decision today to either start next cycle or take a break. Well "a break" is not in my plan. We decided to do our 4th and last Iui with injectables. My regular RE was off this weekend so I had the other one in office. She decided we would be more "aggressive" this go around. Including my estrogen levels are low enough today, I will start Menopur tonight and instead of (2) vials I will be on (3) for (3) days and then backed down to (2) for (2) more days. She said she wasnt planning on getting us pregnant with triplets but thought we needed to be more aggressive. I dont think the "triplet" theory will be an issue. This including last cycle I had (5) matured eggs and nothing, or the fact that my progesterone levels are so low.

Im really looking forward to Wednesday to find out what our new treatment plan will consist of until ivf.

As for the rest of the crappy week, I am going to clean like a mad lady today. Cleaning is my therapy and it is very relaxing.

Consult

I just heard back from the RN at Dr. H's office. We have a consult on December 7th to discuss a new treatment plan. She said they usually like to have three failed cycles before a new consult and new plan. We are going in this weekend to start on next cycle though. I dont want to miss out on a cycle waiting on a consult.

Hopefully we can sit down and discuss everything. Just to let you know how good my RE's office is, I sent an email about my concerns and had a lengthy reply from RN and new consult scheduled within 30 minutes. I am thankful for that.

Angry As Hell!

I have been angry almost all week since my RE appointment on Monday. Im not sure if in my head its easier to blame the doctors office or just accept that things arent working. I know he is a doctor and im not (well maybe Dr. Google). I am just second guessing the decisions made at my RE office. I told the RN on Monday that I felt cramps and knew my AF was going to be here on day 10 again, this after another under (5) progesterone level. She just gave me a look. Maybe I took the look the wrong way, but I  even asked my husband if he seen it and he said yes. In his defense he prob was smart enough to just agree with me this week. I find it very odd that all (3) cycles of IUI and the exact same result. I start my AF on 10 post iui and always have  below (5) on progesterone. Is this just me over anaylizing things?

Im very confused, angry and an emotional fucking wreck. I feel like crying 24/7, I cant sleep at all and im just a mess! I think this is all really starting to hit home. I go into each cycle with actual hope, hope for what, seriously? Our cycles have been perfect, but I guess my body wants no part of it

A blog buddy brought something to my attention the other day that I never even thought about. How can I spend over 15K for ivf with these issues? If the doctors cant get my freaking progesterone to even the lowest normal level, can will that work?

I know that I am all over the place here, but just having all these thoughts pop into my head as I type, sorry.

I am thinking this Saturday when I go in to the doctors, im going to tell him its time for plan B to be put into place. Maybe I should start clomid this cycle and forget the injectables. I know clomid helps with progesterone and ovulation. I was on it for 6 months before seeing RE, but not with assisted IUI. I also know that injectables have a higher chance of pregnancy, but I dont think that is the case with someone in my situation.

Dont get me wrong ladies, this is only making me more determined. I will figure things out, learn from mistakes and more forward because I am a fighter and this is a battle I will win. Just need to figure out another straegy.

I welcome any thoughts, suggestions or comments from fellow bloggers or anyone that is new to my blog.

IUI #3 Failure & my plan.

So as the day has went on I am bleeding heavier. So as predicted I started on day 10 on dot, just like I said I would when I got a funny look two days ago. Oh well. I need to start preparing for the next step. As most of you know, we are on the IVF waiting list and start our Stims on Febuary 25, 2012. We are trying to get as many iuis in before that in hopes of pregnancy and saving a shit load of " out of pocket" money.  IUI#4 with be with injectables and progesterone again and then IUI#5 is going to be with clomid and progesterone. By the time we finish these two, we should be ready for IVF. My doctor said someone in my case should try at least 4 cycles to possibly 6 of iui before moving on. I do trust my doctor. I might question some things and get upset sometimes, but I believe he is doing the best thing for me. I just wish something would work already.

Thanks for all the postive thoughts for me, this just wasnt my cycle. Good luck to all my cycling buddies, I hope all of you get a BFP. Lord knows we all deserve one.

Crinone Progesterone Gel

So I heard back from the doctor office and my progesterone was 4.8 but there is no way of telling because the Crinone is not detectable in blood. Im really confused here. So the pharmacutiucal company is selling a drug that claims to raise your progesterone but there is no way to tell if its working? I am really just beyond frustrated today. I am so ready for IVF and I honestly think that IUI is a waste of time and money.

My Blog Award!

This award was given to my by Rebecca @
pinklipglossandprenatals
 Thank you Rebecca

Liebster is a German word meaning dearest, and the award is given to up-and-coming bloggers with less than 200 followers.
 

Here are the rules:

1. Thank the giver and link back to the blogger who gave it to you.

2. Reveal your top five picks and let them know by leaving a comment on their blog.
3. Copy and paste the award on your blog.

4. Hope that the people you’ve sent the award to forward it to their five favorite bloggers and keep it going!

Here are 5 bloggers I would like to pass the award on to:

1.  Sara @ http://mymclovelylife.blogspot.com/
2. Lisa @ http://ttcfatty.blogspot.com/
3. Megan @ http://the-cool-aunt.blogspot.com/
4. Pix @ http://unexpectedjourney-pixnlil.blogspot.com/
5. Meggola @ http://lostinprocreation.blogspot.com/

3 Day work week, doesnt get any better!

I am so happy that this is a 3 day work week. Since my iui, ive been having really sharp pains in both my ovaries. The other night I was turning over in bed and the pain was pretty significant. Maybe ovulation pains? Not really sure but last night same thing happened but on my right side. I feel so bloated, actually I feel like Violet on Charlie and the Chocolate Factory when she turned into a blueberry :) only difference is im not purple. I go in next Monday for my 7dpo u/s and bloodwork.

We are having dinner at my sisters house for Thanksgiving and then my two nieces are coming home with us until Saturday. I really love spending time with them and they said the funniest things! My husband and I are taking the girls down to Bricktown and looking at Christmas lights, along with Myriad Gardens on Friday. This is giving my sister the chance to go out "Black Friday" shopping, which is absolutely crazy in my mind! I have done 80% of my shopping online this year. I just dont feel the need to be around people at all.

I hope all of you have a great Thanksgiving.

Hopefully Final 2WW.

We had our 3rd iui. All the numbers looked really good. I had (5) follicles all 16 and greater. Sperm count was 30 millon with 90% motility and I also am on progesterone this go around. If any of our cycles ever had a chance, it would be this one. I am also happy to say that learning from our last two iui's this one was a walk in the park. The doctor used ivf cathedar and this time only went into that pocket off my uterus once! So pretty much painfree and no bleeding.


So now on the 2ww. Fingers and toes crossed that this will be the one :) Good luck to all my friends in the wait also :)

Yay!

5 matured follicles for iui. I had a 20,18, three 16's!

How about two more days?

I have heard two more days about 3 times within last week. My lead follicle today is 18 and the other seem to be growing at a turtles pace.. For some reason I am getting horrible nausea from the Menopur this go around. Im sure that 12 days of injections doesnt help. . I will be on Crinone suppositories for 14 days (keeping fingers crossed.)

I know I have said this before, but I want to say it again. Thank you for all the support through this journey. There arent words to explain what a big deal it is for me to know that I have a whole support system online and you guys understand the crazy bi-polar moments.

I did some research and found out that only 15 states are mandated to provide infertility coverage. Oklahoma is not one of those states. Im not sure where I need to start, but my next step or goal is to start the process of fighting for Oklahoma to provide infertilty coverage to couples struggling through infertilty. This cause is definitely near and dear to my heart now. I believe that infertilty treatment should be affordable to people like my husband and I.

CD12 and only two more Days!

Just got back from seeing Dr. H for my CD12 check on little follies. As of this morning the largest is 16,13,12 and two more days of injections. My iui is scheduled for Friday. I am so excited this go around! The thought of having progesterone makes me estatic! Im sure most of you ladies know how nasty it can be, but I am hoping this has been the missing link all along. Not sure if I mentioned this or not, but for last two months on 7DPO my progesterone levels have been a 4. Dr. H says that is enough to ovulate, but certainly is not a friendly enviroment for implantation. I know that its possible for this to be failed iui #3 and the chances of successful iui's are very low. I think all my blogging friends that have been successful at pregnancy failed through iui's and were successful with ivf. If you notice my ticker to the right..... only a few months away from our 1st IVF so at this point im feeling pretty darn confident that one way or the other I will be getting my wish :)

If any of my new blogging buddies have any advice on progesterone, please let me know. From what I have read, it mimics early stages of pregnancy...

Holiday Blues ( Cont.)

First of all I want to thank my fellow blogging buddy Knitting Vixen for making me realize that its ok to put my feelings on my blog, negative or postive.

I deleted this blog this morning after I posted it. Here goes the 2nd version.

 Last year I was ok during Thanksgiving and Christmas, and this year is the complete opposite. My biggest problem is being around my SIL. She had a new baby recently and also has a two year old boy. Dont get me wrong, I love this kiddos, but I am having a real issue being around her and the baby. I feel so bad because I know this also effects my husband and I want to be by his side, supporting him, but at what cost to my sanity? Do I go make the trip during Christmas and put on a completely fake smile and pretend to be happy and excited? Do I pretend to be ok when no one wants any information on how things are going for us? Do I put on a fake smile while I hear how hard it is to take care of children under the age of 2?

All these thoughts going through my head and I ask myself, why am I being so damn selfish? Why cant I truly be happy for other peoples blessings? Why are my feelings so hurt that people dont want to know what its like to suffer from infertility. They dont want to hear all the negative ways it effects your life daily. No all people want to know is the good things and the happy things. Should my feelings be hurt that I have one side of the family that acts as is nothing is going on?

I guess the big question is, do I put on my big girl panties and fake smile and try to make it through this holiday to support my husband? The answer to my question is yes. I love him with every ounce of my heart and would do anything within my power to support him


And maybe hold on to the dream that one day we will have our baby. Then I can let go of all the harsh feelings that I have. I have said this many times and will continue to say this again. I have a true respect for any couple who sufferes through infertility. I know that this disease makes us stronger and more determined to prevail.

Waiting is the worst.

Just got back from Dr. H's office. I had a corpus luteum that was 31 x 22. He gave me the go ahead to start my injections today as long as my blood results come back ok. The last time this happened my estrogen was way to high and I was forced to sit out a cycle. My husband keeps telling me to have postive thoughts, but its hard sometimes. I guess the worse that could happen is I lose another month. I learned there are always plenty of months, ugh.


Since im lazy and didnt want to re=post....... Dr. H just called and my estrogen was only 57, so I start my injections tonight!

Fun Memories

Since I am in between cycles right now, I thought it would be fun to post a few pictures from my life. These are just a few pictures that always make me smile.

                                           From right to left: My lovely Cierra, niece Briley &Bailey

Briley combing Uncle Al's (owls) hair

My BFF being silly

My handsome Boomer

My husband and I during roller derby phase

My metro-sexual Izzy

Quick Halloween picture!

My two nieces at halloween. One looking scary and the other looking scared!

November, a new month, a new attitude!

After much thinking, I am making the decision today to be more postive and less consumed with infertility. I promised myself when we started this journey that I would not be one of those bitter, fire breathing woman. Well guess again, that is exactly what I am. I watch the news and get so frustrated on drug addicted woman having babies and not because they want to bring a new life into this world and raise them with unconditional love, no because they are all doped up on drugs and only care about screwing.  Or seeing babies with their moms and wondering if that mom had to go through the emotional and phyisical toll of trying to concieve. So yes I am definitely one of those people now, and it stops here!

Starting this month I will make the choice to look at other beautiful things in my life. Such as my wonderful husband who loves me endlessly, my firecracker teenager daughter who sits in her room for the most part because im completely uncool. My two absolutely beautiful nieces who are growing up so fast and learning so much as days go by. The fresh crisp breeze in the mornings as I walk out the door while watching an amazing orange and red sunrise.

These are the things that I want to be engrossed in, not bitterness. Please dont get me wrong, any woman going through infertility is entitled to all and any feelings. This is a personal goal for myself that I believe I need at this point.

I know a feel people who read my blog will say that I dont have a right to most of the feelings that I have, because I already have a child. Well my response to that is, you are wrong. Secondary infertilty is a horrible feeling also. I always thought after the birth of my daughter (15years ago) that having another baby wouldnt even be an issue. Boy was I wrong. Infact for many years, I thought I would only have Cierra. One day I met the man I was meant to be with my whole life. My husband and I didnt meet until later in life when I truly gave up hope on getting married again or having any more kids. There he was and now we are married and want to share our love by creating life together, and for almost two years that hasnt happened.

I will start injections again hopefully Monday for our 3rd IUI, this time with progesterone. I am going into this cycle with all postive thoughts and a big smile. If it doesnt happen in November, then I will still look at all the great things that did happen this month.

Decisions Made

My husband and I decided after talking with the Doctor at our clinic, that we are dropping out of the study. This decision wasnt made lightly, but it seems that its the only logical decision to make. We will start our new cycle next week. This cycle will include the menopur injections and this time we will have progesterone. It seems after many months of feeling hopeless and like I was wasting valuable time, now we are on track, on the right track.

We went ahead and pushed our IVF to Ferbruary. This allows us time to get at least 3 cycles of IUI with the correct medicines to give us a better chance.  I truly feel IVF is the way to go. The success rate is so much higher.

I have many blog buddies right now that are very early waiting on beta's, I  am cheering for you guys!

IUI #3 Again.....

I got more blood results from my RE this morning, The pregnancy was a false alarm (of course). In 11 days I will start injections again for the 2nd time this cycle. Back to square one....

#3 Cancelled Again!

I was scheduled for my 3rd iui today, that didnt happen. I went in and talked to the nurse about giving me something for nausea. For the past 10 days with these injections, ive been sick and horrible headaches. Since 14 days ago, I did have a positive pregnancy bloodtest at 16 but then dropped to 6, the doctor is questioning if I am pregnanct now. Not thinking on anyones part, they had me do a urine sample for pregnancy test, it came back postive. Then the iui was put on hold. After a lengthy dicussion, of course it was positive because I had HCG trigger yesterday. This puts us all in bad situation. The doctor doesnt want to perform the iui just in case I am pregnant. So I gave more blood today and will go back Saturday for more blood.

We will then determine where in the hell to go from here. So as of right now, I have two healthy eggs from 10 days of injections, an HCG trigger shot yesterday and on hold for IUI until next cycle. I think I will take things upon myself for next few days.

I really am trying to stay postive, but OMG my life has turned into a freaking roller coaster. Everything is so planned, nothing is spontaneous anymore. Trying to create life, almost sucks the life out of you.

Anyway, enough whining for today.

I will update Saturday.

Over sensitive? Maybe, Maybe Not

As most people already know, my husband and I are involved in a study for unexplained infertility. This includes (4) IUI's with injectable Menopur. We will be having our 3rd IUI this Thursday. My progesterone is way low and thats a big factor on why our IUI's are failing. We spoke with our RE last month about options from here on out. He said after our study is over that he would like to put us on clomid and progesterone along with IUI's. He also stated that he thought I would react very well to IVF since my ovarian reserve was so good.

Al and I talked about it and made the decision to get on the IVF waiting list since it was so far out (6 months). Until that time, we would pay for (2) IUI's out of pocket and see if that worked. I talked to the nurse this morning and she told me that we start our stimulation for IVF on/or around January 21st, 2012. This is a possible problem. Our last study IUI will end at beginning of December, which leaves us no time to try another round with the mediciations that doctor suggested.

My husband wants to prolong our IVF and try a few more rounds of IUI. This pissed me off for the fact that, I am the one that attends doctors office multiple times a week for blood, the horrible violating wand treatment, taking medications that cause my head to feel like its going to explode. etc. etc. IT SUCKS! Infertility treatment effing sucks!

So im thinking that IVF has a much larger success rate and im getting tired. I want to just do that? Ugh im not sure what to do.

A nice break

On the TTC front, I am on Day 8 on injections and only have two follicles. One is a 14 and one is a 16. I go back tomorrow to check again and looks like Thursday will be procedure day.

Bailey (right) and Briley (left) 

Im helping Bailey fish

Briley happy that Uncle Al (owl) brought her Nutella

Looking for wildlife

Canton Lake

Here are so pictures from our camping trip this past weekend. We spent time with our two nieces, my sister and brother in law. Had a great time and spent quaility time with the family.

Ugh Day

Today is day 5 of my menour injections. Just got done at doctors office and as of today, I have one follicle about 11 and one about 12. I am on injections 3 more days and checked again. I am having horrible headaches, or let me rephrase that, Ive had a continued headache since Monday, ugh. This is normal with the injections but I would like a small headache break :)

I was talking to the nurse today and she was apologizing for all the blood they have to draw through this AMIGOS study we are in. I told her its ok and that I signed up for it and will see it through. I am a little depressed today on the fact that this cycle is basically a "wasted " cycle. Since I cant get any progesterone being in this study, the chance of getting pregnant is "slim" but what can you do? Nothing, just keep trucking along.

Sprinkling baby dust out there for all my IF buddies :) Keep on trucking ladies :)

False Alarm

Doctor just called me and said my levels went back down. I am the talk of office this week, lol. The lady with weird periods. I am starting menopur tonight and getting ready for IUI #3...... They arent sure why my levels went up. This past month, I wasnt on any meds due to my cysts, who knows. Im going to keep trucking a long.

What?

Quick update. Went to doctor this morning to get ultrasound and bloodwork so I can get started on my treatments for IUI. Everything went good and looked good. He thinks I just started my period early. I left his office and they said they w ould call with my blood results and I could start injections tonight.

WRONG!

I got a call from  him this afternoon saying my pregnancy test came back postive and it was a 16 (whatever in that hell that means) he said it is very low but could possible by a very early pregnancy. Then he said that things with my case have been weird for past month or so and hes not sure what is going on. I have to go in Monday morning and take another test to see if it is rising or not. I have zero hope that if I am pregnant, it is a viable pregnancy. If my levels do go down then I can start injections for my next cycle on Monday night.

Crazy day. Oh then he asks if I have any questions and im like " ummm im having a full blown AF even though its a week early, how could I be pregnant"? He did say things like that happen. Let me say again, crazy!

Guess I will see what happens Monday. IF anyone has heard of this before, please let me know. I am starting to feel like the weirdo in a crowd.

What is going on here? ( Very woman sensitive post)

Ok so this is a very personal and probly TMI but I am at a loss. AF was on September 25th and I was told I had to take a month off until next round. I have been spotting on and off for over a week in a half now. This morning I woke up with AF cramps and guess what, yeah I think AF. Fun thing is, today is only day cd 20. I dont know if all these hormones ive been on have completely messed me up or what. I have a call in to the RE office. Maybe they will know what the heck is happening. Ugh.

Every time I think I have a handle on this whole situation of going through IF, I break down and lose it. I try so hard to keep my emotions in check. Against my will, I find myself getting upset at certain people that have babies, I am getting bitter and I dont want to be that person. I just dont know how to keep all my emotions on the positive side and keep moving along, Ugh.

What a freaking shitty day.

IVF VS. IUI

After all the blogs ive been reading lately, it almost seems like we should move on from IUI to IVF. Is there anyone out there that can share your story with me? How many cycles of IUI did you go through? Did you switch to IVF? I would really appreciate any feed back on this.

Still Hanging

I have about 1 1/2 weeks before we can go back to the Doc and hopefully start injections again! I've been passing time with reading blogs from couples that are going through similar experiences. Infertility is like a whole other world that I never knew existed. Once you are in the club, you realize how many people are in the same boat.

My wish is for all people struggling with this, I hope and pray that you get a healthy baby.

My sweet niece Brileys 3rd Birthday

Al and Conner (love this picture)

Niece Briley and nephew Conner

Uncle Al in the pit with kiddos

Look at that sweet smile

My two beautiful nieces

Briley fixing Uncle Al's hair

Am I a weirdo?

I can honestly say that I have never experienced all these emotions until we started trying to have a baby (WTH). Ive been really upset lately. I wont mention any names, but there are people close to my husband and I (family members and friends) they NEVER ask about our treatments or how we are doing. We have been trying to get pregnant for almost two years! It makes me feel like they just dont care what is going on with us, or they dont think its that big of a deal. News flash, it is a huge deal! I dont want to say anything and cause un-nessary drama, but jeez. This is something that I probly wont forget about and I know that sounds horrible, but thats how I feel.

Now on to the friends and families having babies. This is where I might be a little weird. I know and completely understand that this affects couples trying to concieve pretty hard. With me, its different. I love the fact that I can buy baby stuff and I love the fact that I can spend time with the kiddos and share my life with them. Although I want a baby so badly, I feel so blessed that I do have friends and families that welcome Al and I into their families :)

Well I have about 2 1/2 weeks (fingers crossed) and we can start treatments again. This next cycle (3rd) I have zero confidence it will take since my progesterone is so low and I cant take it with the study. With that being said I do have ALOT of confidence for the future. I know we will get there and have a baby, just working on LOTS of patiences.

I would love to hear suggestions from anyone struggling with infertility on how to deal with family members, friends etc. that completely ignore what you are going through. How do you change your attitude from being negative to postive?

Stopped at the Start Line

I went into the doctor yesterday to see if my cyst had shrunk enough to start my injections. It decreased from 30cm to 27, so the doctor said I was a go as long as blood work was good. Within last few cycles my estrogen has always been within the set guidelines. I got a call and my estrogen is way to high this cycle, so its a no go until next month. I should be happy about this so all these darn cysts will go away, but im really not. Oh well.

Guess I will see you in a few weeks.

My IUI's

I am putting all of this down so I dont forget.

IUI #1 (Menupor) injections for 7 days
HCG trigger shot
IUI was on 8/24/2011
Sperm count was 30 millon and not sure of motilty
Had 2 follicles both on right side largest was 23mm
BFN (luteal phase of 10days) Progesterone was a 10

IUI#2 (Menupor) injections for 9 days
HCG trigger shot
IUI was on 9/16/2011
Sperm count was 45 millon and 89% motilty
Had (3) follicles this time.. two on left side and one on right, largest was 20mm
BFN (luteal phase of 10 days) Progesterone was 4

IUI#3 (Menupor ) injections
See doctor tomorrow to proceed (hopefully) if my cyst has shrunk enough.

Update

Its been a while since my last blog.  Al and I were referred over to an RE and did ALOT of testing. I had an adheision on my uterus and it was surgically removed in June. Now we fit in the "unexplained infertilty category (oh what fun). 

Since Al and I have zero infertilty covered, we fit into the guidelines for a study that includes (4) iui's with injectables. Started our first cycle in August? Sorry time really starts running together after a while. A treatment  consists of a baseline ultrasound and not the fun on top of your belly ones :). along with bloodwork. You get to start on injections daily, usually for 4-9 days. Then you get a shot to induce ovulation and day after is procedure. Our first procedure went pretty well. I had alot of cramping and sharp pains for about a week after. 10 days after iui I had AF. Second iui, I had some complications and the procedure was pretty bad. After a day of rest I felt alot better. This time around, I had zero symptons of anything. I think I knew from the beginning it didnt take, but I didnt want to be a downer to everyone.

I was told by doctor this morning that he believes my luteal phase is so short for implantation and we need progesterone after iui. Now heres the catch. The study we are taking part in wont let you take progesterone. I feel so torn on this issue. The treatments are free and if we were paying out of pocket for these, it would be about $3000 a cycle. On the other hand, without progesterone, my chances are slim to none of getting pregnant.

I think the right thing to do is keep in the study. I signed up for it and I shouldnt be a quitter. I talked to the IVF coordinator and our RE. He believes that with my ovarian reserve, IVF should be a success. As I said earlier, we have zero insurance. I do think its worth the cost though. The waiting list is six months out for the procedure and the RN is going to put us on it.

I will start cycle (3) of my iui in two days. I was suppose to start today, but I have a huge cyst on my ovary so the doctor wont start me on anymore medications until it shrinks some.

I havent used this blog in so long and that is so stupid. At least here, I can express what is going on and I wont feel like im burdening ppl with my problems. It seems that people dont really care what is going on with all of this. I was told by a very close friend thats not the fact, they just dont know what to say.......
I guess I dont either. Its much easier to write on her then to talk to people about it.

Progesterone Test

Well I had my progesterone test today to see if I ovulated this month..... figures crossed..

Feeling Blah

Well I finished my second cycle of Clomid and the side effects are much worse this go around. I have constant pain and cramps, hot flashes, painful intercourse.... ugh. I find out next Tuesday whether I ovulated or not (fingers crossed). All of this is worth having a little miracle bless our lives. Many people know that I am on the fence with religion, but I know if we get pregnant that someone ALOT bigger had a hand in it...

My doctor visit 3/16/2011

Al and I found a new doctor and she was wonderful.. She took the time and sat down with us so we could understand things better. At this point, we finally have a plan and that is exciting news. I have to take a test in two weeks to see if I ovulated with the Clomid I am on. I also have to go back next month and check the quality of my eggs and possibly have my tubes checked to make sure there isnt any blockage. I am on cycle 2 of Clomid and the side effects are blah..... I am broke out like a pre-teen again, my emotions are all over the chart, but I will do whatever it takes.  I know right now that my biggest fear is, my eggs are not good anymore since I have waited so long to get pregnant again. Right now I want to remain as postive as possible until we know for sure.

First Entry

I married the love of my life on April 24th 2010. I have a wonderful daughter from a previous marriage and she is 13. I thought for many years that having another baby was not in my life plan, until I met Al. We discussed having children and how important that was to us. So here is my thought as of April 24, 2010...... " this is really happening, we are going to get pregnant" which brings us to almost a year later. I suffer from severe anxiety which I think has played a major role in us not getting pregnant. At first I wasnt sure what was wrong with me. I went to my doctor and he referred me to Neurologist thinking it was neurophy, but I also tested postive twice on my ANA test. I was then referred to a Rhemotolgist thinking I might have Lupus or possible Sjogrens. This has been dragging on since last August with no definite answers of what is going on with me. All the doctors to agree that I have severe anxiety though which is effecting me in many ways.

Month after month goes by and I feel stupid in ways. My gyn tested myself and Al and said we are fine, maybe a little on low side of things, but not enough to worry about. I take ovulation test(s) monthly and they are ALWAYS negative. All that goes through my head, is what is wrong with me? Why cant I get pregnant? I feel like a complete failure as a wife, as a woman. I am so damn tired of hearing "relax and it will happen".

We have been on clomid for one cycle, but it causes my hormones to go crazy and then my anxiety is out of control. Next week I will see my new gyn for a second opinion. I hope and pray daily that this is the month we will concieve our precious baby.