Holiday Blues ( Cont.)

First of all I want to thank my fellow blogging buddy Knitting Vixen for making me realize that its ok to put my feelings on my blog, negative or postive.

I deleted this blog this morning after I posted it. Here goes the 2nd version.

 Last year I was ok during Thanksgiving and Christmas, and this year is the complete opposite. My biggest problem is being around my SIL. She had a new baby recently and also has a two year old boy. Dont get me wrong, I love this kiddos, but I am having a real issue being around her and the baby. I feel so bad because I know this also effects my husband and I want to be by his side, supporting him, but at what cost to my sanity? Do I go make the trip during Christmas and put on a completely fake smile and pretend to be happy and excited? Do I pretend to be ok when no one wants any information on how things are going for us? Do I put on a fake smile while I hear how hard it is to take care of children under the age of 2?

All these thoughts going through my head and I ask myself, why am I being so damn selfish? Why cant I truly be happy for other peoples blessings? Why are my feelings so hurt that people dont want to know what its like to suffer from infertility. They dont want to hear all the negative ways it effects your life daily. No all people want to know is the good things and the happy things. Should my feelings be hurt that I have one side of the family that acts as is nothing is going on?

I guess the big question is, do I put on my big girl panties and fake smile and try to make it through this holiday to support my husband? The answer to my question is yes. I love him with every ounce of my heart and would do anything within my power to support him


And maybe hold on to the dream that one day we will have our baby. Then I can let go of all the harsh feelings that I have. I have said this many times and will continue to say this again. I have a true respect for any couple who sufferes through infertility. I know that this disease makes us stronger and more determined to prevail.