New Start Date!

I heard back from my clinic this morning and they had a few openings in August. I am starting my stims on 8/11. That is such good news. I am so ready to have this done and over with!

We had a great weekend even though I am worn out. I really love spending time with my nieces, they are such amazing young ladies and always make me smile. The festival was good. We had our hands full with my two nieces and Al's nephew (spit fire). I think next year when we go, we are going to take our camper and camp at Natural Falls. As much as I love Al's parents house, it can be crowded with all of us and I dont sleep well at all. Here are some pictures of Natural Falls this weekend. We took the girls down there for a nice hike.

On ttc front I am bored out of my damn mind. I am so tempted to push my next ivf back to August instead of September. My mindset right now is...... I want it over and done with, success or fail, it doesnt matter. I think this whole sitting here waiting is killing me. I am going to email my clinic and see if they have any openings earlier then September. I really wish I could be optomistic about this last ivf, but I am not. Infact I have about zero confidence it will work. I wish we wouldnt have gone with the multiple package, since we will never be able to use our FET's. I think the first ivf truly ruined me. I know that we learn alot from our failed cycles and thousand's of dollars, but that really isnt good enough for me. I dont think I am happy with the fact that a doctor is using my failed cycles and hard earned money as a learning tool. Guess I am still bitter about this whole damn thing. I just want to get it over with so bad already!

Oh by the way.... I did get a call from my pcp last week after my husband turned in a complaint about the medications. He personally called me and apologized. Him and the director both offered to buy the mass quanities of clomid I have now. He explained to me that he didnt write the prescription, it was a mis-communication with his nurse, but ultimately it is his responsibility and he was very sorry. I told him that his office is very incompentent and it wasnt only that problem. I guess the nurse also forgot to tell him I called about the mix up and she blew me off. He did promise if I gave him a second chance that I would  have nothing but the best care from now on. I am a fair person and will give his office one more chance. I also turned down their offer to buy my clomid from me. Figured I will keep it and maybe donate some of it out to people in need.

Time for my pics! (Sorry ladies, pics is about all I have going on right now)

Funny Friday!

A good friend posted this on my wall yesterday. She said she was thinking of our trip to Mexico next month. This made my day!

Weekend Trip/Clomid

So I found a clomid calculator online a few days ago. You plug in the date you started clomid and it gives you the ovulation times. This really seems to be a good thing for me. I have NEVER been able to get a damn + on any ovulation tests. Do you know how freaking annoying that is? I see two lines but never even close to the same darkness. My OB told me a few years ago that you couldnt really trust OPK's while on clomid anyway. So according to the calculator, I told my husband to prepare himself starting Sunday-next Saturday :) so romantic huh. Oh well we have really been working on our romantic lives since our ivf failed and I have to say that I am happy with things right now. At least  I am not going to visit Mr. Wand or bloodtest  a few times a week, so we are good.

This weekend we are taking our nieces and daughter to the Dogwood Festival in Siloam Springs Arkansas. We go every year and love it. They have the natural springs that flow through town and all these vendors set up tents with cool homemade stuff in it. Plus the food! Its like fair food but better :) I am going to get some alligator on a stick this year for sure. I will take lots of pics like I always do. This is a special weekend for us because it happens every year on the same week as our anniversary.

Well on the incompetent doctors office? Al went yesterday and personally talked to the director over the whole clinic. He was beyond shocked and said that the medicine mix up was not acceptable. He asked permission to give my file to the head doctor over there and have him investigate what happened. They also are investigating the office staff and their lack of properly referring information. He then told Al that with our permission he wants to switch us over to another doctor that he know will take great care of us. Phew it was nice to have someone take this complaint serious.

Thanks for all of the feedback on my flying panic attacks. I am definitely going to try to get some medications before we fly. Hopefully this will keep me at a level were I am not screaming that we are going to crash and get duct taped to a chair. We are also going to beg the day of and plead to anyone that will listen and hopefully trade us seats. I will break out the crocodile tears if needed.

Frustration Part II

You ask if my day can get anymore frustrating after my last post and my answer is yes. I was just going over our iternary for Mexico and noticed that we only had assigned seating from Dallas to North Carolina and then the flight from North Carolina to Cozumel didnt have any assignments and from Cozumel back to North Carolina didnt have any assignments. Guess what..... I called the airport and no more seats side by side. I paid an additional $120 to have adjacent seats across the isle. So you ask what is my problem with that? I have major flight anxiety and I am losing my shit just typing this. I cant even bare to think I have to set next to strangers and have my husband across the aisle from me. Fuck me.... seriously just fuck me. I guess when I break out into a serious freaking panic attack, start sweating, have trouble breathing and about pass out maybe there will be a doctor on board.

Frustration caused by???

I have a major case of frustration today. Dont know if it is clomid induced or not, but jeez I want to scream. Today fertile people are making me what to put duct tape over their mouths and possibly their noses also. The doctors office has proven again to be even more incompetent then originally thought. Since my husband works there, he is going to file the offical complaint for me. Hopefully this way the problem is taken care of so future patients can get the care they deserve. My migraines are better but only due to the fact I have been popping ibeupfren like its going out of style...... which we all know is a major no no when ttc. He has left me no other choice though. I refuse to take those damn beta blockers! Oh and my cat ate half of my vitamins that I left out this morning. He didnt like my all natural prenatals or the COQ10 but LOVED the baby asprin! Guess he will be heart healthy for the day and have better blood flow.

Happy Anniversary

Today is my 2nd anniversary with my amazing husband Al. I have already told the "how we met" story so I will skip that. This will be short and sweet today. Here is my facebook post this morning in reference to my anniversary today, it sums things up perfectly.

"Two years ago today I married the most generous, giving, loving man ever. He has shown me how to love with the purest part of my heart. To have true love is so completely different from lust. He is my best friend and sometimes my "not so best friend" ( when he uses the damn windshield fluid 20 times on a 10 minute drive) but I can accept that small annoyance. Seriously though....... this has been the best two years of my life. Al accepted Cierra and I into his life no questions asked. Even with all the tattoos and truck driver mouth. Happy Anniversary Al and many more to come!"

 

Today is day two of my clomid experience again. Not to bad. I am cramping some and feeling irritated and moody but otherwise I am freaking great :)  I did alot of thinking last night and decided not to help the clomid cycle along. I promised myself I would for the most part, take a break until September. So you ask .............. isnt taking clomid putting you back on actively trying?" My reply is ............. Yes and No. I need clomid to ovulate, but I will not add the insanity of temping, POAS & progesterone shots. If it happens, it happens and most likely it wont so I will be less stressed :) It cracked me up because (5) people have already told me to have fun on our trip and relax to make a baby. I had to inform them that I WILL NOT BE OVULATING ON MY TRIP, LOL... Simple science, you can only get pregnant while ovulating :) Just thought I would throw that out there. Dont get me wrong, I will be drinking, and having plenty of sex with my husband (wink, wink)..

 

Before I forget...... Good luck today Leslie!!!

Boring

Oh my goodness my blog has turned into "boring central" since we decided to take a break from ivf. I started clomid yesterday morning and decided to go with 100mg. I have a trigger shot at home, but I dont think I could use it without being monitored first, right? I also have left over progesterone from our first ivf. Wondering if I should take after ovulation due to my way low progesterone. Sorry but I am new to all of this "unmonitored" stuff. So used to doctor telling me when to do everything........ ugh.

Well I had a very productive weekend! On Saturday I got my entire front deck stained and it only took 8 hours. My back felt it also :) On Sunday my husband and I decided to treat ourselves to new living room furniture so we went into to town and bought a new leather sofa and two recliners. (Yes we are the old people with recliners) Lol. To save a penny, we decided to pick up furniture and bring home. So we move the old couch and loveseat out and the new stuff in. OMG I never thought we would get the new couch through front door. After taking off legs, door, screen door and trim we were able to finally push that sucker through. Whooo lots of work :) I planted my flowers for the year and finished mowing the yard. A friend of mine made me a quilt, we went over and picked that up also.

I posted lots of pics. That seems like the only thing I have to do right now. Hope I dont chase everyone off with pictures of my flowers and decor.

 My favorite rose!

 Newly stained deck and flower bed

 New furniture (Looks black but is actually chocolate brown)

 The Rapp's Recliners :)

My beautiful new quilt!

Advice plus This & That..

Ok I was hoping someone in this community could help me with this question. I have searched the internet until going crossed eyed. I need to mail some follistim and it needs to stay cool. Do you think it would be ok if I just wrapped it in an ice pack and then bubble wrap and Fed-Ex'd overnight? If not I would love any suggestions on packing it and sending.

On clomid front, looks like I will be starting up again on Sunday!!!!! My doctor doesnt seem overly excited about it and doesnt even think it will make a difference but said it wouldnt hurt either. Jeez ever since my failed ivf, I've had so much anger towards my doctor. There were so many red flags that indicated that cycle should have been cancelled. I mean on day two of stims my estrogen was almost 400. They knew from day one I was stimming way to quickly. It was also a very known fact that there was something stopping a cathedar from getting into my uterus. It had been a problem from my first iui. Maybe I am trying to find someone to blame for a failure, idk but I am still very angry about it. I guess it just makes me more furious when he is like well go ahead and take this but I dont think it will make a difference. After this next ivf, we are done with ivf's but like I said, will continue to move on with medicated iuis. Should we switch RE's just for iuis or just stay where we are at now?

Ok the "this & that" part..... since April is ending, I have a few last pics for the month. This is pics of my beautiful roses. For some reason this year our flowers are absolutely amazing and growing out of control. I have a few others that I will post next week after finish blooming.

Quick Update

Just a few quick  updates on things I have mentioned within last few post. The prescription mess up? Well I heard back from both offices, my RE and PCP. The nurses from both offices made it sound like the mix up was no big deal. Since my husband works in the executive offices of the hospital, he is taking me to fill out an offical complaint against my pcp. Like most of you said and I completely agree. If I didnt already know how to take clomid and took two pills a day for 30 days, um that could be very dangerous or at very least my ovaries would be asking me what the hell is going on. Not to mention I shouldnt have even recieved a prescription for clomid in the first place. So either I am totally over-reacting (which I dont believe) or the doctors dont want to me to believe it was a big "f" up on their part and just move on.

TTC front. I told everyone that my RE did start me on clomid starting this next cycle, for (3) un-monitored cycles leading up to my second and final ivf. Well since my body over heard that conversation, it has decided to hold up on AF that was suppose to be here Sunday. Yeah no joke. I dont have a premenstral cramp, pimple, backache or any other sympton. Yes I know the next question, no I am not pregnant either :). I am thinking that the failed ivf we had somehow messed up my schedule. So when it does come I will start my clomid cycle days 3-7. Here is my next thought. My RE put me on 50mg dose but nothing happened the last time we were on clomid 50 mg dosage. Of course that was early into us trying and even before we started seeing RE. I have considered playing Doctor Tonisha Rapp and bumping up to 100mg. Any advice on that?

Finally, I started tanning before we leave for Mexico. I havent tanned in many, many years. I talked to the tanning salon and they said I should do the "high pressure" beds. they are the most expensive beds and have the shortest tanning time. I was told that these beds "bronze instead of burn" First night I went and everything was fine. Then I went last night and this is what I look like today..............

This is what my whole body looks like and the worst part is my behind and chest area. Maybe I am color blind but this looks burnt not bronze. The price I am willing to pay so I look like a tan hottie in Mexico huh.

First Date......

Well what I have been dreading for years is happening ladies. My daughter is going on a date this Saturday to the movies, with a boy. I am not sure how all of this happened and when she grew up, but she did (insert sad face). She will be driving next year and then graduating and THEN off to college. Jeez where does the time go? Last time I checked, I was 21 having her. Does this mean I am offically coo coo for trying to desperately to have another baby?  I think as hard as we have been trying within last few years and nothing, now my daughter is growing up (BOO). Well good news is I have one more ivf and 180 clomid pills to take.

Heres a few pics of my (not so) little girl anymore....

Incompetent PCP

The title of this blog is 100% accurate.  As you know about 2 weeks ago I went to see a new PCP for my migraines. After waiting forever he finally came in to see me and we discussed my history with my RE. I told him that my RE has me starting clomid this cycle and I can only do (3) UN-monitored. He was pretty knowledgeable about infertility.  Our meeting ended with him going to call me RE to see if I could take a beta blocker for my migraines. Days and days pass and nothing. I finally got my prescription today after work. I thought it was odd that it was $50.00 and I had two bags. It wasnt until I got home that I noticed......... DRUM ROLL PLEASE

This doctor prescribed me 60 pills of clomid and on the bottle it said to take 2 a day, EVERYDAY! Anyone of you that have taken clomid know you only take for 5 days! Thank god I know my fertility drugs. I called the pharmacy furious that they would even put a label on the bottle. They should have known what clomid was and they should have know you cant take it everyday! What kind of doctor prescribes someone 60 pills and (3) refills? Now if you have been paying close attention I went to him for migraines medications NOT clomid. I did get that prescription also but now I am scared to take it because it says if you stop taking it, you can have sharp chest pains, slow heart rate and possibly a heart attack. Looks like I am going back to ibuprofen.

Is it just me or does this seem very negligent to anyone else? I called and left a message with my RE's office because I know my doctor will shit a golden Twinkie when he sees what this new pcp did. I wonder what would happen if you took two clomid a day for 30 days? 

Sorry this was a rant but I am completely in shock right now that this medication made it from a prescription pad all the way to my house.

Our Trip and then some

Hi ladies! I have been out of network since Thursday. We had a wonderful trip this weekend. Originally we planned on visiting San Antonio. Arriving there on Friday after Al and I had a wonderful dinner and some shopping. Then we walked the riverwalk late into the evening. Saturday morning we woke up around 7 am and decided to get a jump on exploring before the whole town of San Antonio and tourist's. About 45 minutes into our walk Al looked at me knowing I love the ocean and asked if I felt like going to Port Aransas which is near Corpus Christi. Ummm you dont have to ask me twice. So in the car for another 2 1/2 hour drive to the coast. We had a wonderful lunch about 3 blocks from the beach with fresh seafood. Sitting outside smelling the salty ocean breeze and watching seagulls. We were in absolute heaven. Before we knew, the whole day passed and it was about 6 in the evening so we headed back to San Antonio.  We went straight to our room and basically went to bed. All that ocean air wore me out! Sunday morning we woke up and headed to Dallas for my Al's sisters wedding. It took us about 4 1/2 hours to drive there. I told Al that he needed to talk with the hotel and upgrade us to a nice big hot tub room. Since it was Sunday evening, they upgraded us for $30 additional, SCORE! The wedding was very beautiful and unique. His sister and her husband are really into the Japanese cartoons etc. so their cake had a huge dragon on it and she has a beautiful head piece (she reminded me of  Princess La from Star Wars). The ceremony was a mix of Jewish faith and Christian faith. It fit them so perfectly! Had so much fun. 

This weekend was filled with distraction from our nightmare of a life trying to conceive. We drank wine and enjoyed each other. So much fun and exactly what the doctor ordered.

When we came home today there was another surprise. I will not go into a lot of details, due to a request by family member, but I came into some money. When I first looked at the check today and realized it wasn't a joke the first thing I thought was " wow we can buy a few more cycles of ivf". Like I said that was my first thought. I then realized that I am not spending more money of ivf cycles. I know people probably wont understand that but I want to spend this money on stuff in my life that I have. Not something that I might have or might not. I want to make solid investments with it. I spoke with Al and he said it is my money to do with what I choose. I choose not to waste it on ivf treatments. We have our last treatment in September that is paid for. If that doesn't work, we have decided to move ahead with iuis. Although we didn't get pregnant with iuis, we did have two chemical pregnancies which is much more then I got through our ivf and cheaper. This might not make sense to anyone else besides me and Al and that is ok, it doesn't have to.

Here are some pictures from our trip......

From Left to Right... Al's dad, mom, sister, me Al, nephew, sister, niece and brother in law

My redneck sunburn from the beach, LOL

Hoot Hoot

I decided to add a little fun to my work clothes today. I love these socks so much. I recieved them from Leslie @ Myhormonecoaster as a prize drawing along with some amazing homemade body soaps and body butters. If you guys havent checked out her website, please do! http://www.lillasystersoap.com/

Update Doctors Appointment

Well I just got done with my doctors appointment. I am sitting here waiting on them to call me with hopefully a perscription of something. My blood pressure today was 146/100. This really confuses me. I have lost almost 15  pounds and im eating healthier, not drinking caffiene, not smoking, wth.  He wants to put me on a beta blocker for my migraines and it also helps lower blood pressure. All of them are class c medications though. I explained my whole infertility situation (new doctor). I was really surprised on how knowledgable he was on infertility. He is going to call my RE and discuss what treatment options we have and see what he thinks of me starting on the beta blockers. He also wants to me to do a blood screening for my blood sugar since I come from a family with insulin dependent diabetics. I went ahead and did something that I wasnt suppose to do, I took a ibuprofen 600. At this point anything that takes the edge off is my friend.

Passed by

I was clicking on my blogger list this morning. It is a very odd feeling to have 97% of the friends you are following to be pregnant now. I remember when I originally started this blog about 97% of the blogs I followed were trying to concieve.  Heck even the people I know in RL are getting pregnant. I am not sure how I feel about this. Most of the time I just ignore my feelings and pretend it doesnt bother me. Most of the time I keep telling myself that we dont need to have a baby, that we have other things in life. Maybe going on more vacations, and having our time. It seems to work some of the time, but mostly I just get really sad and wonder why everyone is getting pregnant and I keep failing.

Last night I watched the E True Story on Guilianna Rancic. I knew that she had went through ivf and failed, then they discovered cancer before she had her breast's removed. Wow this woman is a true inspiration. She actually got pregnant her first ivf and miscarried at 9 weeks and then the second ivf (they expected to work) she found out a few days before Thanksgiving that it failed. This at the same time her sister was pregnant with their fourth child. The sister thought they could both announce at Thanksgiving they were pregnant. Although it failed for Guilianna, she was nothing but purely happy for her sister and didnt once show any jealousy or envy. I think that takes an amazing woman with great character. I wish I could be more like her.

Well I will be starting clomid within the next week. At this point I have nothing to lose. About 4 months until our last ivf and that makes me sick to my stomach. I cant imagine going through another failed cycle. And deep down in my heart I know it will be another failed cycle. When you finally make the decision to move on to ivf, you go into with the thought that ivf works, but the truth is, it only works sometimes. Same as iui's, or natural cycles, or cycles with just fertility meds, only difference is you pay about 15k a  cycle. When do you know if it is time to move on to another clinic? I have so many doubts running through my mind. After this next cycle, if we did switch to another clinic, we cant afford another ivf, so really what is the point?

Oh well I am done ranting today. I am going to work for a bit then head over to the doctor. My blood pressure has been really high lately and my migraines havent stopped for almost 3 weeks now. I really hope I can get some relief soon.

Easter Weekend

Before I start my post about this weekend, thank all of you from the bottom of my heart for you support on my last post. I really thought long and hard before posting it and didnt know what the feedback would be like. I was truly amazed.


Well our weekend went very well. We went over my sisters house on Saturday and had a Easter lunch and egg hunt with our neices. We took the girls back to our house for a sleep over. Before leaving my sister gave me all the instructions on constructing an easter basket for the girls. What went in what basket and whos basket was whos. We started laying the girls down for bed around 9:30 explaining the bunny would be coming so they needed to get some sleep. My (3) year old niece then asked if the bunny was magical and if he could look through the window to know they were sleeping. I have made the mistake before of telling the girls different stories then what my sister tells them, LOL. Finally around 11 they were asleep and Al and I began to construct the Easter baskets. I snuck back out of our room and placed them perfectly, while Al peeked and made sure everyone was asleep. Seriously this takes some skill! Jeez we love those girls, they are such a joy in our lives.
Here are some pictures from this weekend.

I am happy to say that I only have a four day work week this week and next. We are heading out to San Antonio on Friday morning for a short get a way and then off to my SIL wedding Sunday evening.

Results Are In....

First of all, thank you so much for participating in my survey yesterday. I noticed a handful of possible new followers that commented and that was wonderful. Please feel free to comment more often :)

The results of yesterdays survey is.............. HOPE.  Yes it is that simple. After reading all of the your stories yesterday, it restored my hope that it might actually happen for us. Regardless if you were suffering from PCOS, unexplained infertility, egg quality issues, sperm issues, tubal issues etc.  Some of you were successful with natural cycles, some iuis and some ivfs. Some of us havent been successful with any of the above. But you have completely filled my heart and soul back up with hope and faith. For that I say thank you. Al and I might have another failed ivf, we might decide to try a few more iuis. Shit we may just give up and go on with our lives and get pregnant naturally. Anything can happen.

Ok I hope you guys dont think my survey was to lame. I needed to be able to feel hope again. I think the rest of us need that to. So please if you are just joining in today, read all of the stories from my survey yesterday and know that anything is possible :)

I leave you today with lovely pictures of our storm that came in after work. I love clouds during and after a storm. You look at them with all of their beauty and just know that things will get better.

Quick Survey

Hi ladies. I want to conduct a purely non scientific study and would love for everyone to participate. I have 66 followers and would love to have as many responses as possible. Ok here is my question: I would love to know how many of you have gotten pregnant and what your diagnosis is/was. Please let me know if it was natural, iui, ivf etc. also how long did it take? I know a few people that follow my blog closely and I do the same, I want your answers also.

Thanks in advance for you help with this...... If you want to add additional information, please feel free. I look forward to reading your answers.

Cloudy and Gloomy

That is what it looks like outside today and that is what I feel like also. My migraines havent let up any and I cant count how many consecutive days I am going on now, but it feels like a freaking eternity.

For some reason within the last few days all of the pregnancy blogs are hitting home with me. Not that I am upset with them because thats not the case. I am upset with myself. I know that infertility is a medical condition and I know ivf is diagnostic. I still cant help but to wonder what I am doing wrong that all of these procedures have failed. I am really trying to work past this, but I still feel so defeated. Here within the last few days I started thinking about the chances of getting pregnant with ivf, then the chances without. How in the hell is it even possible to get pregnant without it now? You dont know how badly I wanted to walk away from this failed cycle with new hope and I know I have really tried, but so much negativity comes flooding back.

For weeks now I have prepared to be done trying to get pregnant, be done with any hope we will have a baby. I look at all these sweet ultrasound pics of newly pregnant blogger friends and all the symptons and it makes me so happy for them but at the same time so sad for me. Which brings me back to the fact, why is it not happening for us? If there is such a thing as karma, am I being paid back for bad things I have done in life? If that is the case, I think I have more then made up for those things and more. I was so afraid to write this because I know that all of the woman who become pregnant after suffering through IF some how feel guilty (and then shouldnt). Maybe is a sense, seeing all of the bfp's of the woman who cycled with me is a good thing. It does truly make my heart smile seeing them so happy and excited about bringing their new babies into this world. And we all know that ANY woman on  here or anywhere else that has gone through infertility deserves that.

Sorry for my drugged induced rambling this morning. 

I leave you with a pic of a "not so happy" Toni this morning, but working on it.

This and That

This weekend was a fun one indeed. On Saturday we watched my very good friends little man, he is six weeks old. I can tell you that this little guy got all of the love, kisses and cuddles while with us. We decided to make a trip down to my sisters house to see our nieces and just have a fun day and cookout. I feel so blessed that Al and I have people in our lives that basically share thier kids with us. We have so much love to give and since its not looking good that we will ever have a baby, I think it is absolutely amazing we have such wonderful friends and family members.

Here are a few pics from this weekend. On the ttc front, nothing is going on that I am aware of. I do know since our failed ivf that my body is definitely going through changes. I am still losing weight, my appeitite is almost no existant. Think I am eating once a day and a snack or two. I am having horrible migraines again but I dont want to get back on my topomax because the neurologist said I had to be on birth control while taking it and possibly even back up ( that is almost laughable). All and all I feel like complete shit. Every time I eat I feel nausea and every time I dont eat I feel nausea. I have a new pcp that I have an appointment with next week, hopefully he can help me start feeling better.

Here is Al and Bentley. She loves to crawl up on your chest and/or shoulder and hang out. Unfortnantely when she did that to me, she kept falling (due to no boobies to sit on) lol.

Cierra and Dace. I think she would be a wonderful big sister.

My sweet oldest neice Bailey and Dace.