Passed by

I was clicking on my blogger list this morning. It is a very odd feeling to have 97% of the friends you are following to be pregnant now. I remember when I originally started this blog about 97% of the blogs I followed were trying to concieve.  Heck even the people I know in RL are getting pregnant. I am not sure how I feel about this. Most of the time I just ignore my feelings and pretend it doesnt bother me. Most of the time I keep telling myself that we dont need to have a baby, that we have other things in life. Maybe going on more vacations, and having our time. It seems to work some of the time, but mostly I just get really sad and wonder why everyone is getting pregnant and I keep failing.

Last night I watched the E True Story on Guilianna Rancic. I knew that she had went through ivf and failed, then they discovered cancer before she had her breast's removed. Wow this woman is a true inspiration. She actually got pregnant her first ivf and miscarried at 9 weeks and then the second ivf (they expected to work) she found out a few days before Thanksgiving that it failed. This at the same time her sister was pregnant with their fourth child. The sister thought they could both announce at Thanksgiving they were pregnant. Although it failed for Guilianna, she was nothing but purely happy for her sister and didnt once show any jealousy or envy. I think that takes an amazing woman with great character. I wish I could be more like her.

Well I will be starting clomid within the next week. At this point I have nothing to lose. About 4 months until our last ivf and that makes me sick to my stomach. I cant imagine going through another failed cycle. And deep down in my heart I know it will be another failed cycle. When you finally make the decision to move on to ivf, you go into with the thought that ivf works, but the truth is, it only works sometimes. Same as iui's, or natural cycles, or cycles with just fertility meds, only difference is you pay about 15k a  cycle. When do you know if it is time to move on to another clinic? I have so many doubts running through my mind. After this next cycle, if we did switch to another clinic, we cant afford another ivf, so really what is the point?

Oh well I am done ranting today. I am going to work for a bit then head over to the doctor. My blood pressure has been really high lately and my migraines havent stopped for almost 3 weeks now. I really hope I can get some relief soon.