For some reason within the last few days all of the pregnancy blogs are hitting home with me. Not that I am upset with them because thats not the case. I am upset with myself. I know that infertility is a medical condition and I know ivf is diagnostic. I still cant help but to wonder what I am doing wrong that all of these procedures have failed. I am really trying to work past this, but I still feel so defeated. Here within the last few days I started thinking about the chances of getting pregnant with ivf, then the chances without. How in the hell is it even possible to get pregnant without it now? You dont know how badly I wanted to walk away from this failed cycle with new hope and I know I have really tried, but so much negativity comes flooding back.
For weeks now I have prepared to be done trying to get pregnant, be done with any hope we will have a baby. I look at all these sweet ultrasound pics of newly pregnant blogger friends and all the symptons and it makes me so happy for them but at the same time so sad for me. Which brings me back to the fact, why is it not happening for us? If there is such a thing as karma, am I being paid back for bad things I have done in life? If that is the case, I think I have more then made up for those things and more. I was so afraid to write this because I know that all of the woman who become pregnant after suffering through IF some how feel guilty (and then shouldnt). Maybe is a sense, seeing all of the bfp's of the woman who cycled with me is a good thing. It does truly make my heart smile seeing them so happy and excited about bringing their new babies into this world. And we all know that ANY woman on here or anywhere else that has gone through infertility deserves that.
Sorry for my drugged induced rambling this morning.
I leave you with a pic of a "not so happy" Toni this morning, but working on it.
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