Ramblings

I figured while I was sitting at home waiting to go see the dentist today and get a tooth pulled, I would update on some emails between me and my clinic.

Last week I had emailed my clinic about the article that Dr. Braveman wrote in reference to positive ana test and the link between miscarriages. My doctor said he was not a strong believer in the fact of postive ana and miscarriages etc. When I read this email I was so beyond pissed. I emailed my RN at clinic and basically told her that Al and I both feel like Dr. H has given up on us and that is a horrible feeling. I didn't know where to go from here because if we quit treatment our chances of getting pregnant are even slimmer then now. I also went on to say that I am sick and tired of doctors dismissing studies etc. so easily without even trying treatment. I mean seriously what can it hurt? She emailed me back immediately and tried to tell me that Dr. H has not given up on us and is willing to implement some of the procotols I asked for (short term). She asked me to please give them another shot and wait until my next u/s to come in and speak with Dr. H. face to face. I hate this! I feel like we are stuck in between a rock and a hard place with him. There is another doctor in my clinic that I love and she is Dr. H's collegue. Would it be inappropiate of me to ask for her instead of mine? I feel as a woman she is more in tune to my needs and is so kind and amazing. She may not agree with the immune protocol either, but I feel that she would maybe work harder for me? With this being such a small clinic, would it create bad feelings etc? When one doctor is gone, the other does procedures, u/s etc. so I would still have to see and be treated by Dr. H. Such a hard place to be.

I have talked with my husband about getting a second opinion and possible treatment through another clinic here in Oklahoma City. Our insurance wouldn't cover appointments, bloodwork or u/s. That is a huge added expense on top of what we pay now. Since ivf is out of the question, I don't really see the point of a second opinion. I can't imagine any doctor saying to just stick with iui verses ivf. I just don't know.

Maybe it is our lack of wanting to change doctor that is keeping us in this position? I do have some hope with the possibility of seeing Dr. Kim later this year though. We only have this  year and possibly part of next year before we move on and move past having a child together. 

I just never thought almost (3) years later I would be here. Never.  I also think that being at this point (3) year later really makes it a realistic thought that it won't happen. It starts to settle in more with me and I think I am learning to accept this situation more daily. I am ashamed to admit, but my chemical pregnancies are getting easier to handle. My failed cycles aren't as painful. I don't think I will ever get excited about seeing a positive pregnancy test again. Or be excited after a positive beta. Please don't get me wrong, I am not bitter or even angry....... I am coming to the point of accepting what is. That doesn't mean I won't continue trying everything I can while we have the time, because I absolutely will.