Tomorrow

I printed our boarding passes a few hours ago. Looks like this is actually going to happen. I won't lie though, I started medicating myself with Xanax a few hours ago and will continue this until we land in Chicago tomorrow around 4:00pm.

I have so many emotions going on right now and I am trying to stay focused on the task at hand. I think my biggest fear is having all of my test come back normal. At this point I think that is the biggest slap in the face that I could possibly have. Al keeps reassuring me that regardless what happens, we are seeing the best doctor and if there is anything to find, she will find it. My appointment with her is broke down into 4 different appointments on Tuesday, September 3rd;

8:45 am  - U/s
10:00 am - Labs
10:30 am - Gyn
11:00 am- Consult with Dr. KK

I am sure that none of my test will be back for a few weeks after our appointment. Instead of waiting any longer, Al and I decided to move forward with IUI #6 at the end of September.

I will take lots of pictures during our trip and hopefully have some news to share when we get back.

3 Days!

I had a melodramatic post this morning on here and decided to delete it. I can't spend anymore time being stressed out about this stupid flight. Time to put on big girl panties and move on. Next on agenda, packing for our trip. Here is the forecasted weather while we are there:

Saturday- 89 degrees
Sunday-  88 degrees
Monday- 75 degrees
Tuesday- 71 degrees

Okay I have one little carry on suit case to pack and I am trying very hard not to over pack and just take what I need. So far I have:

Two pairs of jeans
2 long sleeve shirts
1 dress
1 pair of tennis shoes
1 pair of flats
1 pair of walking sandals
4 pairs of undies
2 pairs of really cute socks for my lady part scan :)
2 short sleeve shirts
2 pairs of capris

I am going to get any toliety items I need in Chicago (what hotel doesn't offer). Hopefully only thing I will be adding is

Basal thermometer for ovualtion (should happen on Saturday)
toothbrush
hair brush
deodorant
make up
a very special bracelet a friend gave me for my visit
phone charger
camera
Paperwork for my visit


Any of you that travel, am I forgetting anything or even packing to much? Should I bring a light jacket for the evenings?

Any advice is definitely wanted and accepted

Another beautiful quilt memory....

If you have ever wanted to know why I make quilts for woman pregnant after infertility; this is why...

Welcome home H & E!



4 more days until we leave for Chicago. Yesterday I had a little mishap and fell down the stairs from my daughters room. The laundry basket took out our t.v, but also helped some my fall at bottom, along with the front door lol.... I feel so lucky that I didn't break anything and am only sore today with a few bruises and some carpet burn. Whew!!!

The Little Things Part Two

Remember my post a last week about the little things in life being so big? Well I wanted to share with you some things on a Saturday morning that make me smile!

My beautiful roses:

 The stray kittens that I feed: ( This is only two out of the four)

 My kittys, Max & Lillie:

 Izzy & Porter:

 My husband cooking breakfast:

 My sweet Boomer:

 My daughter is under the blankets somewhere:

All smile worthy things on a Saturday morning!

Update to Flight

Just thought I would give an update to our flight situation. Al and I sat down last night and decided we didn't want to fly with Spirit. Since I already have such high anxiety about flying, we didn't think that added stress would help. Now we are officially booked on Southwest Airlines for our flight. We do have a layover that is about an hour, but I can definitely deal with that. We ended up getting part of our money back from Spirit, but more than anything, I have some peace of mind!

It hit!

So today I feel like I have been hit in the face with a brick. The anxiety and panic decided to hit me full force today about flying. How is it even possible that a person can be so effected by flying in an airplane? Let me catch you up on the events of flying to Chicago.

My husband make our flight reservations about a month ago. We decided to drive four hours to fly out of Dallas and save a few hundred dollars. Great idea right! Well not exactly. As I am a planner on everything, today I decided to make sure I have the correct reservation numbers etc. for flight, rental car, hotel and so on. I went on Spirit Airlines webpage and pulled up our reservation and then it all started... 

#1 You pay extra for any bags, carry on or check in. You are allowed one small personal bag such as a purse, briefcase and/or backpack. 
Well Al and I decided last month to make our trip easier we would try to fit our clothes in one carry on suitcase each. I knew that would be a struggle. What I wasn't prepared for was the cost of each carry on bag. 

 THIS IS FROM SPIRIT WEBSITE:

Like I said above, I am a planner. So today I ended up paying an additional $100 for two small carry on suitcases.

Now if you think it ends here you would be mistaken. I then looked further into our reservation and we were not assigned seats. Those are an additional cost also. So another $72 later Al and I were proud renters of airplane seats. Oh come to find out their seats are also smaller than the average airplane seat.

I know I did tell you when Al booked with this airline I did a quick review on them (after he purchased tickets) and the reviews were bad. Well today I did a in depth review of this airline and to say it was bad would probably be a huge compliment to them.

Cue freaking out! I guess they are also well known for cancelled and delayed flights. You have to even pay $3 for water. Nothing on this airline is free! The great price we got was for no luggage, no seats and I guess just putting us in the bottom of the plane with the luggage that people did pay 1/2 of their mortgage to fly with.

I called Al freaking out and then freaking out some more. We can't get a refund so we have two options as of right now.

#1 Book another flight with SW Airlines for additional $700
#2 Stay with Spirit, take a lot and I mean A LOT of Xanax bend down and kiss my ass goodbye   hoping it works

Okay that may be a little dramatic, but my blood pressure is sky high right now and I am SO dreading this flight.

What the hell was I thinking?

Funny Infertility Friday!

7 days until we leave for Chicago! Looking forward to having some time away with husband.

I believe this quote sums up my life. Maybe not when I was younger, but definitely within the past few years. It is truly amazing how we grow into a new person the older we get. For me it has been a positive and well needed change. I can tell you that  5 years ago I couldn't walk outside and look at my beautiful rose bushes and just appreciate the beauty. I don't think I could have looked up at the sky and stopped for a minute to think how amazingly blue it was. I find myself noticing all the smaller things in life and realizing that they have really helped me transform myself. I don't think anyone could really understand where I am coming from unless you knew me throughout my life. For so much of my younger years I blamed all the bad decisions I made on others. I always saw the negative first in everything. I can honestly say I wasn't the best person or even close to it. I will go further to say that I truly believe in my heart that Karma did catch up with me and has given me a sentence that I have to serve and set things straight. I know that many of you don't believe that and I totally respect and honor that. For me, I do believe and I think it has changed me in so many ways for the better. I am happy. Regardless what battles are thrown in front of me, some hard some hurtful, I will deal with it one day at a time. I will always stop and look at all the little things in my daily life and know what a lucky woman I am.

I also realized something the other day. I have spent the past 3 1/2 years stressing out about getting pregnant. I know in my heart that it is going to happen for us. Up until a few weeks ago, I knew that I would be okay either way, but now I know it is going to happen. This has given me such peace. I know that many of you will probably think I have lost my damn mind. But you know what? There is absolutely NO reason why I can't get pregnant, so why wouldn't I?

It has been a rough road the past few years, but I have prevailed. I made it through all my miscarriages, shots, ivf's, iui's, tears, pain, anger, loneliness, sickness, etc. I made it and only because I made the choice that I had to. I still think about my little Circle. It has been almost six months and now the sadness of losing this baby, now makes me smile when I think of this beautiful little miracle that Al and I created together. I think of the day where I actually heard the heartbeat. I loved hearing that. I remember smiling so big that day. I wish to take away all the great things about those few weeks I was pregnant with a beautiful life, until it happens again and we have a baby in our arms.

Okay enough of the mushy today. I just wanted to write down a few things. I want to look back and see how much my life has transformed.

And........................................................

We leave in 8 days for Chicago. Appointment is 10 days away!! Hoping to start my next iui second week of October! Things are definitely moving in the right direction.

A Story of Hope

This morning while I was going through my emails, I came across an email from a lady named Heather. Instead of summing up what she told me, I would like to copy her email and the link to her video. While I sat there and watched this video I had so many emotions running through me. The point that Heather really delivered was, no matter what you have in your life, you always have to keep hope and keep fighting! This goes out to anyone, not just couples suffering from infertility, but people suffering with cancer, loss of a loved one, depression, etc.... Hope has really helped me through difficult times in my life and it is what keeps pushing me every single day....

Before I post the link to the video, please read this email and if this touches you as much as it did me, please share with friends and family etc.

Hi there!

The reason I have reached out to you is because of your blog! My name is Heather and I am a wife, mother, and a mesothelioma survivor. When my daughter was 3 ½ months old, I was diagnosed with this rare and deadly cancer, and given 15 months to live.  My prognosis was grim but I knew that I needed to beat the odds for my newborn daughter, Lily.  It’s been 7 years now and I feel that it is my duty to pay it forward and inspire others.

I clung on to hope throughout my whole journey with mesothelioma. When you have hope, it makes the battle easier.  I want people to be inspired by me, I want to make them fight; give them something to hold on to when all else fails. That is why I do it.  If I inspire one person, I've done my job.

I'm using my personal story to help raise awareness of this little known cancer, and to provide a sense of hope for others facing life’s difficult challenges.

Here is a video of my story that I am hoping to use as a tool to raise awareness. I would love it if you would be willing to share it on your blog with your readers!

Here is the link: www.mesothelioma.com/heather

Let me know what you think!

Heather

Baby quilting update

Not sure if I have told you that I am slowly getting back into the groove of doing my pregnancy after infertility baby quilts again. Here is a little preview of what I have been up to within the last week.

Tonight I finally finished these special quilts for a friend and fellow blogger. For her little boy "H" and her little girl "E"

 I also started a set of cute little girl owl quilts. When I saw the fabric at Hobby Lobby I knew I needed to make a quilt out of it, but didn't know at the time who it would be for. After starting the toppers, I knew immediately who I wanted to have this set of quilts. She is a friend and fellow blogger who knows the infertility struggle all to well and is now pregnant with twins. 

 As of today I only have the one of left completely done. The one on right is only the topper and still under caring construction..

Finally this is a quilt I started messing around with two weeks ago. I didn't have any pattern in mind. I dug through my fabric box and just started cutting and sewing. This is what I came up with and I have to say I really love this quilt. Unlike all my other quilts, this one is going to my 1st cousin. She struggled for five years to get pregnant again and is now expecting a little girl in another month.

Thank you special ladies for letting me share these quilts with you. I love looking at your beautiful babies on quilts that were made from lots of love. I hope to continue this for years to come.


TTC Front:   13 DAYS until Dr. KK!! Someone also donated some more medications to me. It is so awesome to have such kindness in the world!

Weekend/Birthday

We had a wonderful time on our trip to Arkansas this weekend. My SIL's husbands family owns about 1,000 acres on a beautiful mountain. I made the comment that if I lived there, I don't believe I would ever leave the mountain. Our niece and nephew are growing up so fast and it does make me a little sad that they don't really know us. We visit on Christmas and once a year for a birthday. Our visit was full of great laughs and fun with the kids. We all loaded up after the party and my SIL's husband took us on a tour of their 1,000 acres and also showed us where they plan on building their future home. All I can say is WOW! Waking up every morning with those views. I took pictures, but they just don't do the scenery any justice. Of course I will still share with you guys.


Al's niece Kenzie

 Al's nephew Conner

 Al's Dad, Mom, Cierra and Conner

After we got back yesterday, I tried my hand at binding. I was so frustrated and angry by the time I was done. Why can't my projects just turn out perfect and make it easier on everyone? You can't really tell from the pictures, but the edges are wrinkly.

Okay on to my "perfect birthday" gift I recieved from my husband and daughter!

My very own rocking chair for the front porch! I absolutely love it. I sat out there last night with my iced tea and watched the dogs run around, listened to the birds chirping. What a beautiful night it was.

Btw, today is my 38th birthday. I didn't think I was going to be excited about it and boy was I wrong. This year has so many good things in store for me ( I just know it). No, I am not talking specifically about a baby either, but that would be the cherry on top. I am going to embrace this year with everything I have.

14 more days!!!!!

TTC News:

I talked to Dr. KK office this morning. I wanted to start Femara with this cycle. She said I could, but would prefer I wasn't on any medications and/or vitamin supplements. I want to ensure I get the most accurate testing possible so I have decided not to take Femara and just wait until next month.

Funny Infertility Friday!

17 days!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Quick Update

Today was my one month appointment with my psychiatrist to check up and see how things are going. I parked in the garage and was heading to the elevator. There was a woman singing her ass off waiting on the elevator and I mean singing! I was a little taken back and I won't lie, kinda scared. The elevator opens and I walk in behind her while she is still dancing and singing. She sees me and was a little shocked. She then explained to me that she is learning a new song and it is hard to sing with her asthma. Did I mention she wasn't wearing a bra and the ladies were hanging down to her waist. I smiled and had small talk with her until we reached the 3rd floor. I checked in and each visit you weigh and have your blood pressure taken. Bad news here. I have gained 5 lbs in a month and my blood pressure was  high again at 144/92. After I get done I go out to sit in the waiting room (here is where it gets fun). A lady starts talking very loudly and walking around with a box of tissues stating that last week there was only ONE box and today there is TWENTY ( I counted, there were two). I looked up at her and she must have been a picker because her face had huge scabs all over and she had some crazy hair. Well Miss American Idol chimes in and said " Oh thank you lord, my cup runneth over" because there were tissues in the waiting room. I was just sitting there completely stunned and hoping the doctor would come get me very soon. Thank goodness he came out in a few minutes.

So here is a breakdown of my visit today. I was on Effexor to help with panic and anxiety and Trazadone to help me at least get a few hours of sleep a night. Neither of them worked, or at least not to the extent to be considered helpful. I was nauseous and have tummy issues with the Effexor and the Trazadone made me feel like a zombie the next day with only a few hours of sleep. My new protocol starting tomorrow is, Celexa for the panic and anxiety and Ambein for sleep. I also broke down about flying to Chicago. He prescribed me a few Xanax for the trip. I hope this works! I have another appointment in one month to see how the new medications are working. He wanted to try Paxil, but it is a Class D drug. I know Class C isn't much better, but it is better then Class D. Unfortunately some people require to be on medications that aren't 100% safe for pregnancy, just to survive day to day. That is the sad truth of the matter.

I think all and all, today was a successful visit. 

20 days!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Cam WoW

 

Enough Said, LOL!

Simple Sunday

Well this weekend has been beyond wonderful. Here in Oklahoma we usually are in the middle of a 100 degree heatwave this time of year. Yesterday I had my windows opened in the house all day long! It was 84 degrees yesterday and it looks like more 80's this week coming up. I think this amazing weather has done something wonderful for my soul this weekend. I started quilting again. Not quilting like I was, but quilting :) I have decided that I am going to make quilts and when they are done I can decide who I want to give them too. This way I am not under pressure to finish and trying to make quilts for all the ladies I know that are pregnant after infertility. I wish I had 3 set of arms though and that way I could make them for everyone, but unfortunately that is not an option.

Here are two quilts that I am working on this afternoon. It is owls and super cute. 

Topper #1

 Topper #2

Well Al and I took a drive to my new office building! To say I am excited would be a total understatement.  The bosses close on September 6th and this will be my new working environment.  Not sure if I get an office or not, but if not I am totally happy either way. I don't ever have to go to nasty downtown again and that makes it all worth it. Plus I have a beautiful little pond to look at every day and a back patio to sit on and eat lunch. How can you beat that?

Pretty nice huh? 

Well I am getting back to quilting. I will post better pictures later.


22 days!

I totally stole this from Attain Fertility's page......... Such a true statement.

The Little Egg that didn't (Part 2)

Well I finally broke down and called Dr. Kim's office again to ask the all important question. I was told that she would still see me if I did get pregnant and she would want to move my appointment up so they could try to save the pregnancy. That made me feel good, but I explained to her that we were abstaining this cycle and our plane tickets are non-refundable (that is what you get for booking with super cheap airlines) I will go into that here in a minute. According to my chart, my temps jumped this morning so I think I have already ovulated. This cycle is a done deal and I don't have any regrets about choosing what we did. I think it was the smart option. 

Okay on to flying! As you all know, I absolutely HATE flying, hate, hate, hate.................... I have an appointment in two weeks to get some Valium and/or Xanax to help with my anxiety. We booked our flights to Chicago through Spirit Airlines. After we booked I decided to check reviews on this company. Oh boy, big mistake. Their reviews are beyond horrible from everyone! Every site I checked had the same reviews. I definitely think that my happy pills will come in handy during this trip.  I am going to do the 24 hour check in and hopefully Al and I can get seats together. I keep reminding myself that it is only a 2 hour flight, I can do this.... right? Lol.

Before I forget, I had an overwhelming interest in joining my facebook group. Thank all of you ladies who emailed me and joined. I really hope you can get the support you are looking for. I know I am  happy to have the new members and some new stories/experiences. I still am looking to add about 5-10 more people if you are interested. Just email me at tonisharapp@yahoo.com.

Well the frustrating news for the day. My daughter failed her driving permit test. I am very frustrated about this. I have been after her for a month (daily) to study her driving manual. She had the false confidence because she passed a sample test the school gave her earlier in the year. I think this is a good lesson about having false confidence. I am going to take her back in a few weeks to test again. Fingers crossed that number 2 is the magic number :) 

25 days!!!!!!

The little egg that didn't

The little egg that didn't have a chance this month *insert kinda sad face*.... In order to torture myself fully because obviously I need that, I have been temping this month and using my ovulation strips. This is what the little beauty looked like today:

Since I am not sure if I can still see Dr. Kim if I get pregnant, I decided to make the hard decision to not try to get pregnant this month. As I know it is only one month, I have to admit, this is truly killing me. It is so much harder than I thought it would be. I also think because I can't BD, that is all I want to do. Funny how those things work huh! Of course of the girls in my group yesterday had to go through the same last month because of a surgery and she so delicately stated they had to do the "pull out" method. I laughed so freaking hard! Also funny how we get to a point where we are very open about something that is usually a very private matter.

Okay well thanks for letting me vent a little. I will peek at my beautiful pee stick another 10 times and then remind myself of the bigger picture....

It is beautiful though............huh......................................

Accepting New Members

As you all know, I have a small facebook group. This is a bittersweet moment for me. For the past few months most of our group has passed over to the pregnancy after infertility group ran by one of my members. I set up this group for all chapters through infertility, including pregnancy after, but we need some new woman who are currently going through treatment or trying to conceive. There is a small catch about my group and I want to give you all the information before you make up your mind on joining. Unlike the other groups out there, I pride myself on running a very positive and supportive group. I don't want it to be over run with stories of drug addicts getting pregnant with baby number 10, but not us. That is a totally valid feeling to have and especially going through this, but I don't have room for that in my group. I mainly want to support others by letting them know that as bad as it gets things will be better in one way or another. I care for every single woman in my group. I think the best part of it is, seeing woman get their positive pregnancy test. Some woman in my group were trying for ten years plus! So that is pretty special to me. 

If you are interested, please send me an email at: tonisharapp@yahoo.com. My facebook group page is called Chapters Through Infertility & More. It is 100% private group so none of your friends or family can see any post. I have woman whom are adopting, going through ivf, TI, naturally trying, and some are in the middle of taking a well needed break right now. I also have a few that are done with ttc completely. So we have a nice mix of ladies. 

If you do send a request, please email me first to let me know. I don't add anyone that I am not familiar with into the group for the above stated reasons. Hope to see a few of you!

Life is good.................

I have been so extremely nervous and anxious about our upcoming trip to Chicago for months now. As of today we officially have 25 more days until we fly out and 27 more days until we see Dr. Kim. I find myself talking about the possibilities all the time with Al now. I worked on stocking up on fertility medications for the last few months and have enough now to do about 9 months worth of treatment. I also have stocked up on other things that I'm sure Dr. Kim will prescribe for me. Al and I decided that the remainder of this year we are going to most likely do TI w/medications. Maybe one iui before 2014. Once 2014 gets here I am planning on getting pregnant! That will be our last full year of the ttc journey before moving on to other avenues of our life together. Since I have been pregnant six times within the last two years, I can confidently say we don't have issues getting pregnant just staying pregnant. I can also say with 100% confidence that I do believe Dr. Kim is going to put me on a protocol that will be much more helpful to me than what my RE currently has us doing. With that being said, I do believe that my RE is doing everything he is capable of to help us get pregnant. After seeing Dr. Kim we will still see Dr. H and  they will work together on getting us pregnant. 

I believe that 2014 is our year!!!!

As you know we decided to take a break this cycle because I didn't want to take the chance of getting pregnant and messing things up with my visit. Our plane tickets are non-refundable and I would hate to be out of pocket that money. More than anything, I am so ready to get back to medications and aggressively ttc again. 

Luckily we have the next few weekends planned so that will help pass time until we fly out on August 31st. In two weeks we are driving to Arkansas for our nieces 2nd birthday. My bosses also bought a new office building outside of downtown (THANK YOU!) so we are packing and moving. My daughter is starting school and Vo-tech in next two weeks. She is going for her drivers permit test this Thursday. We have a company party coming up on the 24th, so lots of stuff to keep me occupied.

I couldn't imagine or want anyone else s life but mine. It is amazing how blessed we are in life with just the little things daily. 

Oh before I forget a BIG congratulations to Lisa Lynn on the birth of her beautiful son Graham. For any of you still in the trenches I highly recommend reading her blog. Talk about inspirational!

http://lisabttc.com/our-ttc-timeline/ This girl has been through it all and then some. I know she is a personal inspiration for me and I also know that she beat all the odds with this pregnancy, even when her RE told her she would need donor eggs and couldn't get pregnant with her own. Guess what, she did.

Funny Infertility Friday!

If for no other reason, smile because it is Friday!!!!!

30 day countdown until visit with Dr. Kim!!!