Casino Day

We originally put this day down at our jobs over a month ago for a fall camping trip to Natural Falls. The start of this week, the weatherman kept predicting rain and a lot of it. I was already upset due to the fact that the county had a burn ban so no campfires. What is camping without a camp fire? Then on top of no fire, we would be in campers all weekend due to inches upon inches of rain. Tuesday my husband cancelled our reservation to the camp ground and they kept our deposit. Since according to the rude lady on the phone, " they have no control of the weather and it is not her fault that they are under a burn ban and getting ready to be flooded." Well it is her fault for having a crappy attitude problem.

Mid week I already decided I was still taking my Friday off, so I talked hubby into also taking Friday off. We are going on one of our favorite things to do. Casino day! Since Oklahoma has about 500 casinos, my husband and I like to take day long road trips and visit new places. We usually lose a couple hundred dollars and sometimes win a couple hundred, but it is fun us time. So today we are off in the fog and rain to go have some lunch a new discovered place during the drive and some casino time.

HOpe everyone has a great weekend.

 

Levels Dropping

I finally have some bittersweet good news to share. My beta today from 871 on Sunday to 755 today!

That's all :)

Still Here

Well I am still here and still feeling a little better each day, emotionally and physically. The bleeding completely stopped two days ago. I am still lightheaded, nauseous, and having stomach issues big time. The tenderness in my boobs are going away and the cramping and pain are slowly disappearing. Tomorrow is beta #8 so I will know if the levels are dropping after the methotrexate shot. I know that it is a possibility, but I really don't want another shot of that evil stuff. Please keep fingers crossed that I am on the downhill slide of this nightmare.

As far as emotionally, I am doing so much better everyday. When I found out this pregnancy wasn't viable, I was destroyed. Then I found out that it was ectopic, I was very scared for my own health. Now I have accepted that this cycle failed and there is nothing I can say or do to change the results of that. I did look back on day 15P3DT and stared at my two dark lines. I wanted to remember that we did come so close.

I really sat down and talked to Al about the last two in half years and wanted to see how he felt about everything that happened. He looked at me so calm and said, " Tonisha I believe that whatever happens in our lives is meant to be". He is right. It is very possible that we weren't meant to have a child together. I know that people don't want to accept that, but I believe that whatever is meant to happen will for us. It feels very peaceful to be where I am right now. I could sit here and tell you how stressful all the visits are, the ultrasounds, the medications, the blood draws, the surgeries, the failed cycles, but everyone of you know the feeling. It feels like I just washed away all the negative and am finally starting this new chapter of my life and it excites me! I can't wait to see where this road will lead us. One day at a time and one foot in front of the other.

I will update on beta numbers within the next few days.....

Before I forget, one of my friends and fellow bloggers texted me this morning with a early pregnancy scare. I don't want to mention her name, but if any of you pray please send out a prayer for good results today to a great person. Thanks.

Feeling Better

I have to say that out of the past three or four weeks, today has been a pretty good day. I went in this morning for beta #7, but I won't get results until my beta #8 on Wednesday. When I went to the ER last week they took my levels and according to my RE since the labs are different then the results will be different. So today's lab and next Wednesday's lab will be tested through the hospital lab so we have accurate results. For the last few days after the shot I've had lots of cramping, pressure, mild pains, lots of lightheaded and nausea, oh and stomach issues. I am feeling more at peace though. I know this process is getting closer to being over everyday. I won't lie, this failed cycle scared the shit right out of me. We had discussed trying some more cycles next year after a nice long break, plans changed. After what I just went through, I don't want to be pregnant, get pregnant or continue any sort of treatments. I might even go out on a limb and say I would consider using birth control for the next six months or so (even though that is overkill). I am still scared. At this point, I couldn't imagine visualizing anything positive and pregnancy together. That might change after some time, but for right now we just want to move forward with our lives. Hopefully by next Wednesday my levels will start dropping and ultimately be zero within the next few weeks.  

A fellow blogger blogged something that hit so close to home for me this morning. She talked about people in our community basically having ill will or a battle on where they are in their journey compared to others. I will be the first person to admit when my cycle failed and some of my other fellow bloggers got their BFP, I was pissed and angry and sat in my dark little corner thinking who deserved it more. Yes, I actually did that. I tried to sit there and justify why I deserved it more then someone else. You know what, I didn't. I don't deserve it more then another woman in my shoes, just as she doesn't deserve it more then me. But, it happens everyday and it will continue to happen everyday. For every failed cycle there will be a person right there in the wings with a success story. Just the way things work. I am working on my bitterness day by day and I will overcome it. I will be 100% happy in my heart for every other person that has gone through years of infertility and overcome it. Not because I have to or it is the right thing to do, because I want to. Of course from this day forward I will have good days and bad and learn how to move on without fertility treatments, but I will prevail. I will learn to live a different way and think a different way. I will make changes in my life for the rest of my life. 

As of today I am okay and plan on getting better everyday. I have learned throughout this whole struggle that I am truly a strong woman and I have a strong marriage. There are many people in the world that can't honestly say that. Some of them might have a house full of children and all the money in the world and still be miserable. So there are many things to be thankful for. I was not dealt the hand I wanted, but I will make it the best hand yet.

I know that I say this so much, but thank you all for the support you have given me in the last 2 1/2 years and will continue to give me. You have helped me through some dark times and been with me through some good times. Thank you.

September ICLW

I have skipped a few months due to our ivf cycle. We just finished our last and 2nd ivf cycle in August and had our beta on September 5th. It was positive and our second almost tripled. After that things went down hill very quickly. I was spotting from day 10DPO and on our third beta our numbers only raised about 100 points within 7 days. Same thing happened with #4 and #5. Doctors suspected the pregnancy was not viable and possibly ectopic. I ended up in the hospital for ectopic pregnancy yesterday and received my 1st methotrexate shot. This was our 2nd failed ivf and previous to that, we had 4 failed iui's with injections. Not sure where we go from here, but definitely know that we are taking a nice long break from treatments. With no insurance coverage we (like most of you) are over $20,000 in debt and emotionally drained from this process. 

I would like to say thank you for stopping by and checking my blog out. Always love to have new followers and read new blogs.

Update

Yesterday I woke up to heavy bleeding followed by cramps and pressure like I needed to have a bowel movement. I thought I was just feeling bad due to the bleeding. When I got to work I started feeling lightheaded and sick to my stomach. I put a call into the RE's office. My doctor was gone and the other RE was in with patients, so I left a message. After about 45 minutes I started feeling much worse and panic set it. I drove myself over to the ER and my husband met me there. I guess he also called our doctors office and was told she was in a room with a patient so he waited on hold for her to get done. The ER was crowded and people were everywhere. I told the lady at the window what was going on and Al told them our doctor was calling the ER supervisor  and she would send over one of her residents to check on me. Sometimes it is nice to know people in higher places. Since Al works for the hospital I was taken back immediately. The doctor had already ordered blood and u/s before I was even checked in. When they took my vitals, my pulse was 199 and blood pressure was 189/100. I think alot of it was my panic attack. They didn't see anything on ultrasound in my uterus. Of course the ER doctor automatically assumed we didnt have ectopic because they didn't see anything. He did say my hcg levels were 667 which 24 hours prior they were 498. Huge jump. My RE finally made it over and looked at the u/s and bloodwork and then he did exam, He said I do have ectopic and my levels were still too low to see it. Due to the pain, bleeding, and all the other symptoms. He gave us two choices; Choice #1 was to go in and do a Lap  and D&C or do a shot of the Methotrexate. His only concern is the shot doesn't take effect immediately and the embryo could grow before then and possibly rupture my tube. My husband and I made the decision of the shot. I just had surgery in July and I don't want another one so soon. We will go back in on Sunday and have levels checked. He said it is very possible I will also need a second shot.


After being in the hospital for 9 hours yesterday, it reality of this situation hit Al and I. I know it is early and I might be a little traumatized from this whole ordeal, but I don't want to get pregnant. I don't want any kids. I am scared to death after this. The doctor prescribed me so Valium for the next few weeks. I had a panic attack in the ER yesterday that was like the first one I ever had 20 years ago that landed me in the hospital. I wanted to die. Only people who suffer from severe panic attacks can understand that statement. It is the scariest place to be. They did give me some medications in my IV because my pulse and blood pressure where so high. I don't ever want to be there again. I want to move on in our life. We had talked about continuing treatment next year, we decided against it yesterday.

Ectopic in hospital

Ultrasound

Sorry I didn't have much information yesterday due to the fact my husband talked to the doctor and then passed information back to me over the phone. The doctor is concerned that this pregnancy is ectopic due to the fact that my levels are still rising. Here are my levels so far:

9/5- Beta #1   59.9
9/7- Beta #2   148
9/11- Beta #3  237
9/13- Beta #4  298
9/19- Beta #5  500

Since I have been having some light shooting pains and have been bleeding daily since 10DPO or 7DP3DT, he feels that there is a good possibility this is ectopic. He did mention that it could also be possible that the embryo is in fact in my uterus and not viable. We are scheduled for a ultrasound next Monday morning. The reason for waiting until Monday is, my levels are still low for ultrasound. They usually don't see anything until your levels are closer to 1,000. He seems to believe by Monday he can see if the embryo is in my tube. He also said if I start having significant pains to go to ER a.s.a.p, so fingers crossed that Monday is marks the last day of this on going suck ass situation. 

Yesterday our geologist came in while I was on the phone with husband and over heard the conversation about ectopic etc. She knows we have been going through fertility treatments. She asked if I was doing okay, so I explained what was going on. She of course said how sorry she was and then proceeded to tell me that it's not over. HOLD on to your hats ladies, here comes the fun statements we all love to hear. Actually I want a plaque with all these fun little full of shit only fertile people believe in horse shit facts:

Her 1st comment:

"Oh well you can still get pregnant if you relax" or "have you thought about adoption because I know people who adopted and then got pregnant"

I looked at her nicely and said "as much as I like you Connie, these are absolutely bullshit statements with NO medical backing." "I would go as far as to say these comments are things that fertile woman believe because they have never dealt with this situation". 

She is a very sweet woman and only had best intentions saying that stuff to me, but OMG when is the ignorance going to end?

Well I go into the pcp today for some medications, wish me luck.  

Beta #5 Bad News

My husband just called me and my levels are still rising, they are at 500 today and the doctor is  concerned that it is ectopic. He urged Al to have me come in for an ultrasound to see if he could find the pregnancy. If it is in my tubes then I can get a shot to dissolve and if it is in the uterus somewhere it will dissolve itself. He asked about my bleeding and if I was having any pains. My bleeding is still light and yes Ive been having sharp shooting pains. I am so torn. My husband is worried and wants me to go in and have this done. The doctor said if I didn't want to see him to please go to the emergency room or to another doctor.  When will this end? Haven't I been put through enough? What in the hell did I do to deserve this?

Beta #5 Day

I have been dreading today. I don't think my levels have dropped to zero and basically I am throwing my hands and feet up in the air having a five year old tantrum. Done with the blood test for this ivf, done. When we went in this morning there was a woman with her one year old son. Out of the years I have been with this RE, there have only been a few occasions that there were kids in the waiting room. Every time has been when I am getting either a negative beta or finding out that a cycle failed. Interesting how things happen, huh. As you all know I am in fact one bitter person right now, but is a RE's office really a place for kids? Can you not get a babysitter or daycare for them? Okay so back to my story. Sorry I am jumping all over the place this morning. We get in the room for the blood test and I tell the nurse to please write my husbands number on the folder and have the doctor call him with test results. She agreed and then made a comment about my vein and how torn up it is with all the blood I've been giving lately. Really? it is not by choice that I am coming in and donating blood. Well I thought this would be the perfect time to let her know this was my last blood deposit. She looked up and me and smiled and then said " well depending on your results, you might need to come back in". I looked at her and said, "this is the last time I am coming in for this. I am done with this cycle". Not sure what will be said to my husband, but I made it very clear to him that unless I have an ectopic pregnancy or am dying (sorry little insert of humor) then I would not be going back. I honestly haven't made up my mind whether I will ask my husband what the results were. I think at this point it doesn't really matter. It is time to shake it off, pick  up the pieces and move forward. I just want all of this to be behind us right now. Phase 1 done, next Phase 2- break time, much needed break time.

Here is a pic of my last blood draw for my failed cycles. Thought I needed to post this as closure.

Attitude Change

Well I don't think I am going to give up. My husband doesn't really want to continue treatment due to the cost out of pocket and the emotional strain it is has put us both through. I do agree with that part. But, I want a baby. I have fought so hard for the last few years to have one and I feel if I walk away now, then I have fought for nothing. I am not a quitter. I asked my husband if he would consider going to the other RE in our city and getting a consultation. He said yes but with the understanding that we take a few months to clear our heads and get over all the disappointment of the last year. I can agree with that. I do need to clear my head and heal my heart. I am still crying everyday and sad beyond belief, and angry, very angry. I definitely need time to heal myself. 

After tomorrows visit to my current RE, I am letting them know that I am 100% done with their clinic and I am done with the freaking blood test, that I am DONE. I think after 4 iui's and 2 failed ivf's that it is time to move on to someone else. What do you think?  Plus this other place has a much higher rate of pregnancies. Don't know if that means anything or if it would even make a difference for us. My husband is afraid that with this new consultation, he will say that he would have done this or that different and I will get my hopes up again. Honestly right now, hope is the only thing I have to hold onto. I need something to pull me out of this darkness, even if it is the hope of seeing a new doctor and doing a few more iui's. I don't think we can really afford another ivf next year. Maybe if we saved up again we could do ivf in 2014. That doesn't seem like a very feasible idea though. I do know that right now statics for us says we will most likely not have any successful pregnancy. I will keep that in my mind and not get swept away with fantasies of anything else. As for right now I just need my levels to hit zero and to take a break and get my head straight. Yes I am still going to the pcp on Thursday to start back on my depression and anxiety medications. I really, really need them right now. Pregnancy announcements are literally making my stomach cringe and my whole body fills with anger. I have never been this upset about woman other then me getting pregnant, never. 

I will update with my levels tomorrow. Please keep your fingers crossed that my levels have dropped. I am still only spotting and have been of my progesterone for 5 days now. 

Rock Bottom

I thought I was okay, but I am not okay, at all. I thought I would suck up my anger and bitterness and accept that  we aren't going to have a child together. I have really, really tried. I find myself crying at least a few times a day. We went to the State Fair today and it was filled with so many pregnant bellies and strollers filled with little tots. I tried to pretend it didn't bother me, I tried to smile and keep walking. My eyes just wanted to fill with tears and my heart hurt so bad. There is a huge void of emptiness and hurt right now. All my other failed cycles were basically just failed cycles. This one was different. There was a embryo that attached and my levels went up, I saw two dark lines on my hpt's. That just made this failed cycle even worse and the fact that we can't do anymore cycles. I have hit rock bottom. My sister recommended that I talk to a physiologist again. I have been to a few different ones due to the abuse I suffered as a child and honestly, it didn't seem to help. I just can't imagine that going back is truly going to make a difference. I know that so many people think that I am already lucky to have one child, and I agree. I sure wish that when I got pregnant at 20 years old I didn't take it for granted. Boy things sure would have been so much different. I wasted the one and only pregnancy I will have due to blissful ignorance. I think living with that makes things much harder. Also, my daughter won't have a sibling after I am gone. That breaks my heart and makes me even sadder. I think I am calling my pcp tomorrow and going in to see if I can start my depression and anxiety medications again. I have been off of them for almost two years now. I feel like I have hit rock bottom and I don't want to stay in this dark place. I think unless I get back on medications that I may be here for a while. I told my husband tonight that I don't even want to celebrate the holidays this year. And honestly, I don't. I also told him that since we can't have any kids then I no longer want to be around kids (absolutely ridiculous).

As many of you know, I quit smoking almost 4 years ago in November. Let me tell you I came SO close to driving to the store and buying a pack of cigarettes this weekend.  I swore I would never go back to smoking and in a moment of sadness I remember one thing that used to help me cope. God I was so freaking close and that scared me. I don't ever want to pick up that habit again. I know if I did that I would not quit for the second time. It took me so many years to quit this time. I started at the age of 14 years old. Regardless what it is an addiction I will have for the rest of my life and I can't and won't give in, I have made it way to far in my life. But so close,  I came so close.

So many of you have been so supportive to me over the years and I feel like a pretty shitty person for saying this but it is the way I feel. I can't really follow along on the pregnancy blogs right now and especially the newly pregnant blogs. Please don't get me wrong, I am SO happy for all of you that are getting your well deserved miracles. It just makes me hurt so much seeing all of the new pregnancies and knowing I will not be one of those people. I just can't follow you guys right now and I am so sorry. Maybe after I get my medications started and some time goes by, idk.


Finally this is a really sore subject but I want to make it clear. So many of my friends etc. have told me to have faith, to put trust in God, that he always knows what is best for us etc. I am sorry my friends I disagree with that. Not just because of this failed cycle or the numerous failed cycles in last 2 1/2 years. It isn't God that is controlling this, it is science. Statics say that people under the age of 35 have a higher % per ivf cycle for it to be successful. There are many factors that play into the outcome also. I think that having unexplained infertility is one of the worst diagnosis you can have because there is no treatment plan. Of course having any kind of infertility is painful. I don't want anyone to think that I am making it sound like I have it any worse then other people, because I don't. It was just the statics that wasn't on my side for treatment, pure and simple. Also my intention of mentioning God on here wasn't to offend anyone that has put 100% faith into religion and God. I really do respect your beliefs, so I hope you can respect mine when I have a true problem believing God doesn't feel like I and so many other good woman are fit to be parents. 

Guess I have spilled enough doom and fucking gloom for this evening. Check in with me on Wednesday after beta #5 and I am sure there will be more of this to come.

The Day After

I quit my progesterone and today I am having hellish cramps, wow. Hopefully that means that my levels are dropping and this can all be over with. I don't even know what this pregnancy was considered? I was told there was implantation, just don't know where. Is it still considered a chemical with my levels going up to 300? Guess it really doesn't matter. 

After a few long discussions with my husband, this is what we came to a conclusion about. We are stopping all treatments for sure this year and probably into next year as well. After talking to the RE we are going to decide from there if we will do a few more cycles of medicated iui's. Since it is pretty clear that I have egg quality issues from all the chemical pregnancies within last few years and the fact that I never got pregnant after having my daughter 15 years ago. We have accepted that we will most likely ever have children of our own. We also decided we are not going further into debt to try more ivf's with no promise of children. I do have about 3 more refills on my clomid. I might just use that and see if anything happens. Like I said though, we have accepted that it is not going to happen for us. 

I can't tell you how much the last 2 1/2 years has taken from me, my marriage, and my life with my husband and daughter. So many tears, so many anxious moments, so much anger, so much disappointment, so much frustration, so much jealously, so much physical pain from procedures. I want happiness, I want to laugh again, I want a strong healthy marriage, and I want a great relationship with my teenage daughter. I don't want to stay on all my infertility sites and listen to the anger and hurt  constantly anymore. It is not healthy for me. I have to move on, I have no other choice if I want my life back. 

As far as this blog. My husband thinks I should delete it because of all the memories here and it will be constant reminder of what we don't have. That is hard for me to do. I think the only reason I made it through these last few years is because of you ladies. I want to see your babies when they are born and I want to see the cute pics you take and all the things they accomplish. I feel so connected to all of you and your children or future children (hope that doesn't sound stalkerish). I am still considering what to do with my blog. I don't know if I am ready to let go of you guys yet, I really don't. From here on out though my blog will be changing. I guess you will be reading a lot of post on traveling and things we have done and things that have changed without infertility playing a part. 

Beta #4

The hcg levels are still rising. Yes I do know the feeling of beta hell right now. My levels went to to 297. I am stopping my progesterone this evening. The doctor feels they may keep rising even though I am quitting progesterone. They want me to come back in next Wednesday for my 5th beta. Seriously, will this ever fucking end? I explained that I just want this over and don't want to come in for any more blood test. She then explained to me on how important it is that I could have an ectopic pregnancy and for my health we need to make sure that the pregnancy is completely over. I think the weirdest feeling of all is knowing there is a embryo inside me right now. God I just want this over!!!

I am such a complete mess right now. I can't work and I can't stop crying. I didn't know it would be this hard.

The Call

As many of us know, you never want to receive a phone call from the doctor while waiting on beta results. My first and second results I received a call from the nurses, so I knew it was bad news yesterday when I answer and it is Doc. H. Being polite and caring he explained that my levels only went from 148 to 248 in four days (which is completely un-accceptable). They wanted to see them at 500 or 600. He then went on to explain that his thoughts were this pregnancy is not viable. He also mentioned that is extreme cases there are vanishing twins or the second embryo that implanted but then died. Even in that case it still wouldn't explain my levels only rising that much in four days. I think  he was trying to give me some shred of hope (it didn't work). He then went on to say that he wants me to continue on my progesterone and they will test me again on Thursday. He won't discontinue the progesterone until my levels quit rising. Just so you know I totally disagree with this and I feel as I am being strung along as this is already painful enough. After speaking with my husband last night, we came to the conclusion that I will go in for the blood test Thursday and then we are done. I refuse to go in so they can test until I am zero. 

I had a gut feeling for days that my levels weren't rising. I had a gut feeling that bleeding from 9DPO until 20DPO is not normal. I know many woman have bleeding in early pregnancy, it still doesn't make it normal. Almost all the stories I read woman started bleeding at weeks 5, 6 etc. not before they even took the pregnancy test and never stopped. Yes I am angry and bitter right now. I am tired of what 2 years and 8 months of failed infertility treatments have done to me. I see so many ivf success stories and most of those people are in their 20's and early 30's. Don't see so many success stories for ladies over the age of 35 +.

As of today we are officially done with fertility treatments. Since it is obvious that my egg quality is shit, there is no sense of moving on with anymore iui's and we can't afford anymore ivf's especially since we would need to go with  DE.  Guess our journey ends here. I am still in the process of decided whether to delete by blog. I have received so much support from this community. I just don't think I can go on watching all the success stories and knowing that will never be us. Please don't get me wrong, I am happy for every single one of you whom succeeded. I am just very angry and bitter it wasn't me and will never be me. I think the best way for me to get past this is to just get rid of the "infertility" part of my life and move on. I don't want to be one of those ladies who is always complaining about pregnant people and crying when they see a new birth or pregnancy announcement on facebook.I don't want to be poor pathetic Tonisha who can't get pregnant.

I will update you guys on my blood work tomorrow. As for today, I took the day off and I am going to clean my house until it sparkles. I am going to promise myself I won't turn the t.v to TLC and watch all the baby shows. I need to get past that part of my life.

Before I finish this post this morning. My sister said something to me on the phone this morning that really rang true. She said the "only positive thing about what you and Al have been through is all the other girls you met who are going through it and can show you support" Those words are so true and I don't know how I would have made it through this last ivf cycle without all of you. Thank you from the bottom of my heart, thank you.

Beta #3

Doctor called and pregnancy isnt going to be viable levels only went to 238

16DP3DT

Just a thought about my spotting. Since I have been on baby aspirin since day of transfer, I wonder if that could contribute to the spotting due to the fact it thins the blood? I could be way off here, but I wonder if it is a possibility? I woke up this morning with zero spotting and couldn't believe it. A hour later hello spotting is back :) I guess we are becoming best friends.

Tomorrow is beta #3. Counting down the hours. 

15DP3DT

Hope everyone is having a nice Sunday. I have been working on crocheting some washcloths until Hobby Lobby opens tomorrow. I told my sister I would make her a OSU blanket (even though they lost their 2nd game of season, LMAO!)

As you noticed I am still putting days after transfer verses weeks pregnant. I know my 2nd beta almost tripled, but I am still spotting. I called my clinic this morning to see if I could go in tomorrow for my blood test verses Tuesday. I was told no.
Since we are doing all my blood work has been every 2 days (even day) and tomorrow would be 3 days (which is odd day) . Seriously? I explained that I am scared about the bleeding and I have zero symptoms. Looks like I am waiting until Tuesday and I am not very happy about it.

So I broke my promise and bought a few more pee sticks this morning. I know they can't indicate if my levels are rising like they should. My last bloodwork was Friday and I was 13DP3DT and my levels were 148. So it is very possible things are the same right now. I have to admit that looking at two dark lines does make me feel a little more at ease. At least I am pregnant as of today. 

I really don't know how those of you that went passed the original tww and had to do this, did this. 

Quick rundown of maybe symptoms and symptoms I don't have.

Frequent urge to pee (No)
Sore boobs (No)
Fatigue (Maybe)
Cramps (On and Off)
Weird sensations in uterus (Yes)
Spotting (Definitely)
Headaches ( not for last two days)
Bachache (No)
Nausea (Not really)
Thirsty (Not really) 

Guess I am off to crocheting. I am really trying to keep my mind busy but nothing seems to work. I am scared to even think about being pregnant due to the fact of things going wrong. No wonder I have so much anxiety. I am so freaking high strung and I don't think anything will never change that. I wish I wasn't the "glass half empty" girl.

14DP3DT

Still here and still nervous, happy, and in shock. I think I would feel much better if I weren't spotting. I haven't stopped spotting since last Friday. Yes it is still some red, some red & brown and some brown. Still not enough to wear a panty liner (which is good). I know that bleeding is very common especially among ivf pregnancies. We all associate bleeding and pregnancy to be a bad thing though. I'm not stressing over it to much. Of course there is nothing that can be done about it anyway. I called my clinic late afternoon to let them know I was still spotting. The doctor said that as good as my levels looked, she wasn't worried about it one bit. Guess I shouldn't either. Any of you whom are currently pregnant or have had lots of spotting in early pregnancy, I would love to hear your story.

Anyway I hope everyone has a great weekend. Here in El Reno Oklahoma we are sitting at a mild 62 degrees at 8:49 in morning. Here's to hoping the 100+ temps are finally gone for the season. 

13DP3DT

Beta # 1         56 and progesterone 24
Beta #2          148 and progesterone 33



 I am  really pregnant!!!!!!!!

Still Waiting

I'm sure you guys are anxious to hear the results also. I am still waiting on a call from the doctor's office. This is my first time experiencing this and it is NOT fun. I feel like I am about to crawl out of my skin. 

Will update soon, hopefully.

12DP3DT (15DPO)

As of today I am pregnant. Wow did I just say that? I had a lot of time to lay in bed last night and reflect about things. First I will tell you why I was in bed by 8:00 p.m. last night. My husband shot me in a nerve again last night. Poor guy I feel so bad for him having to give these progesterone shots. I tried not to show him how badly it hurt, but it hurt! As I laid in bed last night I thought about so many things. I did come to a conclusion on this pregnancy. Yes my numbers aren't near as high as many of my fellow bloggers on a successful pregnancy BUT, I am happy. Al and I have never made it this far. If I go in tomorrow and my levels have dropped then I will still be grateful to have made it to this point. Yes this was our last ivf, but it worked if even for only a few days to a week, it did work. That makes me smile :) knowing that one little boy or girl decided to fight and try to stick with us (hopefully for the rest of our lives). 

I also thought about how freaking crazy I went with the pee sticks. I am not going to lie, I am still confused what went down with that whole situation. I have seen PLENTY of ladies get progressions on their pee sticks! The only thing it did for me was turn me into a freaking crazy, paranoid lunatic. You will be happy to know that all the pee sticks in my house have been retired to the garbage can and I haven't tested since the night of 10DP3DT when my lines all but disappeared. 

Tomorrow is my 2nd beta and I truly hope that my numbers rise. It is completely out of my hands now and I have to trust that whatever happens is for the best. I am still having red spotting every morning. Usually two or three wipes and it is gone then the brown starts again. We up'd my progesterone to 1 1/2 cc's last night. Hopefully that will do the trick. I do know that bleeding of any color is VERY common among ivf patients so I am not really stressing about that at this point. 

Today Courtney from Our Pathway to Parenthood is having her FET transfer of two little embies. She had a super hard time during her fresh ivf retreival and wasn't able to transfer any at the time. So stop by and wish her good luck today!

My friend Stephanie from Sometimes is going through her D&C today after the loss of her sweet baby. My heart is breaking for her today. She is one of the strongest people I have met.  

Please keep your fingers crossed for me tomorrow that my levels will rise.
 

11DP3DT Beta

Beta was................................................

56 hcg
25 progesterone

Sitting here in complete and utter shock.

UPDATE due to some questions:

I was originally suppose to have my beta tomorrow at 15DPO or 12DP3DT and she told me that on that day they like to see levels from 50-100. So today's number was "very good" and she said my doctor was very excited.  I do have to up my progesterone to 1 1/2 cc's due to it being a little on low side and she said that could be what is causing me to spot. 

Chemical Pregnancy

I don't need the beta to confirm tomorrow, this was chemical pregnancy. I came home tonight to test and the worst possible outcome happened. The lines are almost gone.

Thanks for all the support. I am done with this crap.

Beta Moved

I just talked to my clinic about the message I left yesterday. She wants me to come in and do by beta tomorrow morning instead of Thursday. She said that way I could have #2 done on Friday instead of waiting all weekend. She said that what I am doing is the reason why they don't want us to test early. She said that all the hpt's are different and my lines will always be darker or lighter especially when testing daily. I was then told the only thing I should worry about is if I took a test and it was positive and then it went negative (that isn't the problem). Now I am super nervous about the test. If we waited until Thursday my numbers might have been higher. I am guessing my blood level will be about 25 or 30. Any other guesses?

10DP3DT

Let me start off this post by saying I hate freaking pee sticks! I will NEVER ever test early again, EVER.

I am going to post pics of progression and todays test at 10DP3DT (12DPO). Please tell me if I am wrong, but these test are not progressing like they should. If I had a beta today with this line, I would be lucky to see maybe 20? I just think by looking at all these test that I won't have numbers high enough Thursday to substain a pregnancy. If I am over-reacting, please tell me because my feelings won't be hurt. I am looking at all of this with jaded eyes verses your guys are looking at it with logic. Before I forget, I am still having dark brown spotting today and some cramps still. No more red spotting though. Just a little yesterday morning. Brown started Friday and is still going. Any thoughts?

Ok here are pics...... Ugh.

9DP3DT P.M.

Well my wondfo is darker then yesterday, but my FRER is lighter. Does that even make any damn sense? Maybe I didn't hold my urine that long before testing tonight. Still having brown spotting but very light and its been happening on and off all day. Anyway here is a pic of my wondfo. Ugh.

Blanket

Well it took me a few months but I finally finished Cierra's blanket! It was much larger then I anticipated originally, therefore took me longer. I am hoping to learn some new patterns next... hopefully granny squares.

 

9DP3DT A.M.

I have woke up for the past three mornings with red spotting and then it goes away. I really hope this isn't a bad sign of things to come. Here is a pic of wondfo this morning. For some reason I get my best lines on FRER at night, the morning lines suck.

8DP3DT P.M.

I want to start this post off tonight and from this day forward, that if you know me in real life PLEASE KEEP THIS TO YOURSELF. If a pregnancy does come out of this, I want to share it and I don't want ANYTHING said on Facebook.

With that being said, second of all..... I am already feeling some guilt that my test are turning positive and there are other woman on here that have to look at 100 pics of my pee test. I don't blame you if you don't want to look at them anymore. My beta isn't until Thursday so there will be more to follow.

Without further a due here is my FRER for tonight:

I am in complete shock and disbelief. I just never thought this cycle was going to work. I know it is really early but it is looking promising! Please pinch me and tell me I am not dreaming. 

8DP3DT A.M.

Last night before I went to bed I had some RED spotting. I woke up this morning and a little more red then it was gone and  a little more brown. I am only using my FRER's in the evenings now because they are expensive and I seem to get best lines then. Here is my picture of last night wondfo (top) and this mornings (bottom). Yes I know it is early still. As all of you know, I started getting lines on Friday so I would think that today's line should have been darker. I have a deep fear in my gut that this is a repeat of Decembers chemical pregnancy. The only difference is I am not bleeding but that could be due to progesterone oil.

Pee Sticks and More Pee Sticks

Yes I know I have it bad. Here are pics of tonight's FRER. There is a line but very very faint. 

 

7DP3DT A.M

So I got up at 4:45 this morning and used a FRER and to my surprise there wasn't a line, well there was a shade of a line (just like my chemical pregnancy in December). I went back to bad really sad and feeling defeated. I just got up again and took two more. On my wondfo same line as last night it hasn't gotten any darker and on the FRER same thing, just shade of a line. There are only three possibilities of what is happening:
1.   Another chemical pregnancy
2. It hasn't even been a fully 24 hours since I originally started testing. Maybe levels are rising yet.
3. Looks like I had implantation yesterday morning so it might still be took early.

I hope it is choice 3. I still have mild cramping but no other symptoms. I just told my husband that I am off to Walgreens for some more FRER and digital test. He said it is only going to make me crazy. Well when it comes to the tww that is a given regardless what I do.

So anyway I know so many of you are rooting for me and I just wanted to give an update this morning. I am still trying to keep hope just because of the symptoms as far as cramping and the brown spotting yesterday.

I will take any prayers, hopes or wishes.................................................