The Day After

I quit my progesterone and today I am having hellish cramps, wow. Hopefully that means that my levels are dropping and this can all be over with. I don't even know what this pregnancy was considered? I was told there was implantation, just don't know where. Is it still considered a chemical with my levels going up to 300? Guess it really doesn't matter. 

After a few long discussions with my husband, this is what we came to a conclusion about. We are stopping all treatments for sure this year and probably into next year as well. After talking to the RE we are going to decide from there if we will do a few more cycles of medicated iui's. Since it is pretty clear that I have egg quality issues from all the chemical pregnancies within last few years and the fact that I never got pregnant after having my daughter 15 years ago. We have accepted that we will most likely ever have children of our own. We also decided we are not going further into debt to try more ivf's with no promise of children. I do have about 3 more refills on my clomid. I might just use that and see if anything happens. Like I said though, we have accepted that it is not going to happen for us. 

I can't tell you how much the last 2 1/2 years has taken from me, my marriage, and my life with my husband and daughter. So many tears, so many anxious moments, so much anger, so much disappointment, so much frustration, so much jealously, so much physical pain from procedures. I want happiness, I want to laugh again, I want a strong healthy marriage, and I want a great relationship with my teenage daughter. I don't want to stay on all my infertility sites and listen to the anger and hurt  constantly anymore. It is not healthy for me. I have to move on, I have no other choice if I want my life back. 

As far as this blog. My husband thinks I should delete it because of all the memories here and it will be constant reminder of what we don't have. That is hard for me to do. I think the only reason I made it through these last few years is because of you ladies. I want to see your babies when they are born and I want to see the cute pics you take and all the things they accomplish. I feel so connected to all of you and your children or future children (hope that doesn't sound stalkerish). I am still considering what to do with my blog. I don't know if I am ready to let go of you guys yet, I really don't. From here on out though my blog will be changing. I guess you will be reading a lot of post on traveling and things we have done and things that have changed without infertility playing a part.