Feeling Better

I have to say that out of the past three or four weeks, today has been a pretty good day. I went in this morning for beta #7, but I won't get results until my beta #8 on Wednesday. When I went to the ER last week they took my levels and according to my RE since the labs are different then the results will be different. So today's lab and next Wednesday's lab will be tested through the hospital lab so we have accurate results. For the last few days after the shot I've had lots of cramping, pressure, mild pains, lots of lightheaded and nausea, oh and stomach issues. I am feeling more at peace though. I know this process is getting closer to being over everyday. I won't lie, this failed cycle scared the shit right out of me. We had discussed trying some more cycles next year after a nice long break, plans changed. After what I just went through, I don't want to be pregnant, get pregnant or continue any sort of treatments. I might even go out on a limb and say I would consider using birth control for the next six months or so (even though that is overkill). I am still scared. At this point, I couldn't imagine visualizing anything positive and pregnancy together. That might change after some time, but for right now we just want to move forward with our lives. Hopefully by next Wednesday my levels will start dropping and ultimately be zero within the next few weeks.  

A fellow blogger blogged something that hit so close to home for me this morning. She talked about people in our community basically having ill will or a battle on where they are in their journey compared to others. I will be the first person to admit when my cycle failed and some of my other fellow bloggers got their BFP, I was pissed and angry and sat in my dark little corner thinking who deserved it more. Yes, I actually did that. I tried to sit there and justify why I deserved it more then someone else. You know what, I didn't. I don't deserve it more then another woman in my shoes, just as she doesn't deserve it more then me. But, it happens everyday and it will continue to happen everyday. For every failed cycle there will be a person right there in the wings with a success story. Just the way things work. I am working on my bitterness day by day and I will overcome it. I will be 100% happy in my heart for every other person that has gone through years of infertility and overcome it. Not because I have to or it is the right thing to do, because I want to. Of course from this day forward I will have good days and bad and learn how to move on without fertility treatments, but I will prevail. I will learn to live a different way and think a different way. I will make changes in my life for the rest of my life. 

As of today I am okay and plan on getting better everyday. I have learned throughout this whole struggle that I am truly a strong woman and I have a strong marriage. There are many people in the world that can't honestly say that. Some of them might have a house full of children and all the money in the world and still be miserable. So there are many things to be thankful for. I was not dealt the hand I wanted, but I will make it the best hand yet.

I know that I say this so much, but thank you all for the support you have given me in the last 2 1/2 years and will continue to give me. You have helped me through some dark times and been with me through some good times. Thank you.