The Call

As many of us know, you never want to receive a phone call from the doctor while waiting on beta results. My first and second results I received a call from the nurses, so I knew it was bad news yesterday when I answer and it is Doc. H. Being polite and caring he explained that my levels only went from 148 to 248 in four days (which is completely un-accceptable). They wanted to see them at 500 or 600. He then went on to explain that his thoughts were this pregnancy is not viable. He also mentioned that is extreme cases there are vanishing twins or the second embryo that implanted but then died. Even in that case it still wouldn't explain my levels only rising that much in four days. I think  he was trying to give me some shred of hope (it didn't work). He then went on to say that he wants me to continue on my progesterone and they will test me again on Thursday. He won't discontinue the progesterone until my levels quit rising. Just so you know I totally disagree with this and I feel as I am being strung along as this is already painful enough. After speaking with my husband last night, we came to the conclusion that I will go in for the blood test Thursday and then we are done. I refuse to go in so they can test until I am zero. 

I had a gut feeling for days that my levels weren't rising. I had a gut feeling that bleeding from 9DPO until 20DPO is not normal. I know many woman have bleeding in early pregnancy, it still doesn't make it normal. Almost all the stories I read woman started bleeding at weeks 5, 6 etc. not before they even took the pregnancy test and never stopped. Yes I am angry and bitter right now. I am tired of what 2 years and 8 months of failed infertility treatments have done to me. I see so many ivf success stories and most of those people are in their 20's and early 30's. Don't see so many success stories for ladies over the age of 35 +.

As of today we are officially done with fertility treatments. Since it is obvious that my egg quality is shit, there is no sense of moving on with anymore iui's and we can't afford anymore ivf's especially since we would need to go with  DE.  Guess our journey ends here. I am still in the process of decided whether to delete by blog. I have received so much support from this community. I just don't think I can go on watching all the success stories and knowing that will never be us. Please don't get me wrong, I am happy for every single one of you whom succeeded. I am just very angry and bitter it wasn't me and will never be me. I think the best way for me to get past this is to just get rid of the "infertility" part of my life and move on. I don't want to be one of those ladies who is always complaining about pregnant people and crying when they see a new birth or pregnancy announcement on facebook.I don't want to be poor pathetic Tonisha who can't get pregnant.

I will update you guys on my blood work tomorrow. As for today, I took the day off and I am going to clean my house until it sparkles. I am going to promise myself I won't turn the t.v to TLC and watch all the baby shows. I need to get past that part of my life.

Before I finish this post this morning. My sister said something to me on the phone this morning that really rang true. She said the "only positive thing about what you and Al have been through is all the other girls you met who are going through it and can show you support" Those words are so true and I don't know how I would have made it through this last ivf cycle without all of you. Thank you from the bottom of my heart, thank you.