Rock Bottom

I thought I was okay, but I am not okay, at all. I thought I would suck up my anger and bitterness and accept that  we aren't going to have a child together. I have really, really tried. I find myself crying at least a few times a day. We went to the State Fair today and it was filled with so many pregnant bellies and strollers filled with little tots. I tried to pretend it didn't bother me, I tried to smile and keep walking. My eyes just wanted to fill with tears and my heart hurt so bad. There is a huge void of emptiness and hurt right now. All my other failed cycles were basically just failed cycles. This one was different. There was a embryo that attached and my levels went up, I saw two dark lines on my hpt's. That just made this failed cycle even worse and the fact that we can't do anymore cycles. I have hit rock bottom. My sister recommended that I talk to a physiologist again. I have been to a few different ones due to the abuse I suffered as a child and honestly, it didn't seem to help. I just can't imagine that going back is truly going to make a difference. I know that so many people think that I am already lucky to have one child, and I agree. I sure wish that when I got pregnant at 20 years old I didn't take it for granted. Boy things sure would have been so much different. I wasted the one and only pregnancy I will have due to blissful ignorance. I think living with that makes things much harder. Also, my daughter won't have a sibling after I am gone. That breaks my heart and makes me even sadder. I think I am calling my pcp tomorrow and going in to see if I can start my depression and anxiety medications again. I have been off of them for almost two years now. I feel like I have hit rock bottom and I don't want to stay in this dark place. I think unless I get back on medications that I may be here for a while. I told my husband tonight that I don't even want to celebrate the holidays this year. And honestly, I don't. I also told him that since we can't have any kids then I no longer want to be around kids (absolutely ridiculous).

As many of you know, I quit smoking almost 4 years ago in November. Let me tell you I came SO close to driving to the store and buying a pack of cigarettes this weekend.  I swore I would never go back to smoking and in a moment of sadness I remember one thing that used to help me cope. God I was so freaking close and that scared me. I don't ever want to pick up that habit again. I know if I did that I would not quit for the second time. It took me so many years to quit this time. I started at the age of 14 years old. Regardless what it is an addiction I will have for the rest of my life and I can't and won't give in, I have made it way to far in my life. But so close,  I came so close.

So many of you have been so supportive to me over the years and I feel like a pretty shitty person for saying this but it is the way I feel. I can't really follow along on the pregnancy blogs right now and especially the newly pregnant blogs. Please don't get me wrong, I am SO happy for all of you that are getting your well deserved miracles. It just makes me hurt so much seeing all of the new pregnancies and knowing I will not be one of those people. I just can't follow you guys right now and I am so sorry. Maybe after I get my medications started and some time goes by, idk.


Finally this is a really sore subject but I want to make it clear. So many of my friends etc. have told me to have faith, to put trust in God, that he always knows what is best for us etc. I am sorry my friends I disagree with that. Not just because of this failed cycle or the numerous failed cycles in last 2 1/2 years. It isn't God that is controlling this, it is science. Statics say that people under the age of 35 have a higher % per ivf cycle for it to be successful. There are many factors that play into the outcome also. I think that having unexplained infertility is one of the worst diagnosis you can have because there is no treatment plan. Of course having any kind of infertility is painful. I don't want anyone to think that I am making it sound like I have it any worse then other people, because I don't. It was just the statics that wasn't on my side for treatment, pure and simple. Also my intention of mentioning God on here wasn't to offend anyone that has put 100% faith into religion and God. I really do respect your beliefs, so I hope you can respect mine when I have a true problem believing God doesn't feel like I and so many other good woman are fit to be parents. 

Guess I have spilled enough doom and fucking gloom for this evening. Check in with me on Wednesday after beta #5 and I am sure there will be more of this to come.