Pic as Promised

Okay before you look at this, I promise that IFL you can see a faint line on the hcg strip. This  is also my second one of the day. I couldn't get the first one from this morning out of trash. Top one is the ovulation strip and  you can see the line on that one. IF you don't see any line, that is okay too :)

UPDATE!

Just went to bathroom because of cramping and there was dark brown spotting. Is it possible to start AF only 9DPO? Now I am scared.

6DP3DT

I POAS (cheap wondfo) this morning and there was a shade of a line. When I say shade, it was a shade but my husband saw it to. I know it is really early and this doesn't mean anything. I am staying positive though. Lots of cramps yesterday all day long. So far today just weird feelings in my uterus and some cramping. Has anyone got a faint line on 6DP3DT? It is 11 days after trigger so I don't think it could be the trigger still. I will test again tomorrow. For any of you that have kept up with my blogs, know I usually don't have positive feelings about my cycles. On day 3 and yesterday I told my husband I think it worked this time. I hate to say that incase I am wrong, but I have felt so much more stuff going on this time. Please keep your fingers crossed for me.

5DP3DT Update

I might be having a few symptons today. I've had cramping on and off all day so far. It seems a little high in my stomach though. I was thinking that implantation cramping would be low down in pelvic area? Since last night I am so bloated. This didn't happen last cycle either. And finally, headaches. Here is a picture of my serious bloat that has started since yesterday.....

5DP3DT

Honestly I will be so glad when all of this is over. Rather my test is positive or negative I just want to quit feeling so crummy. If the test comes out negative I am going back to the doctor to see if I can start my prozac and xanax again. I never imagined that after a year of having these attacks under control that they would come back with such a vengeance. I am having problems with go places and even at work today. It seems the only place they aren't bad is at home. Unless you have personally suffered with anxiety and panic attacks, it is so hard to understand the horrible nature of them. I have been to a few therapists and also psychiatrist and it has just left me with empty pockets and attacks. Ugh I just feel really bad today.


I am feeling lots of cramping this morning, but it is higher in my stomach (just below my belly button). I think that would be to high for implantation cramping.

Five	The blastocyst attaches deeper into the uterine lining, beginning implantation

Panic Attacks

I know that you guys can definitely give me input on this problem. Anyone that has suffered from a history of panic attacks and anxiety, did you attacks become worse while on ivf medication or during the process of treatments? I went out to lunch with my sister today and as soon as I walked in, I had a huge panic attack. Dizzy, sweating, feeling sick, stomach problems etc. Most of the time I have this under control, but when we go through ivf, they seems to spiral out of control. I hate this! Any suggestions?
 

4DP3DT

Well my sister and niece are coming to visit me today. I'm really looking forward to this because I'm going stir crazy in this house. Maybe taking off a week from work wasn't the best idea. At least I go to work tomorrow!

Nothing to report on symptoms. I had mild cramping for most of the day yesterday, but it is all gone today. I finally tested out of my trigger this morning. Yesterday during all the cramping I started to feel like this might have worked. I think it was just a fluke or progesterone related though. Only 3 more days before I start testing.

3DP3DT

INSOMNIA SUCKS! I haven't slept in days. I know the progesterone didn't do this to me the last time. I purposely stay up all day and don't sleep, been staying up later and listening to my meditation cd before bed. I fall asleep for about an hour and then I'm up all night long! Guess tonight I will try the benadryl. I hate the way that stuff makes me feel though. 

Nothing else to report. I need sleep.

2DP3DT

I just realized I didn't let you guys know how my transfer went. If you remember last time, it took an hour in half and the doctor had to go in twice. A lot of pain and A lot of un-needed trauma on my uterus. I am happy to announce that this transfer only took about 45 minutes. It was still a hard transfer, but not as traumatic. Of course my bladder was to full and I knew that going in. The doctor felt it was just right until he tried to get the speculum in and it kept coming out. After about 20 minutes of trying he asked me to go empty my bladder about half way. I came back and got on the table and after about another 20 minutes of trying, the catheter finally went through. I would say that my surgery last month was a success for the most part. He felt much more confident this go around that the placement was better and there was far less trauma. 

So today is 2DP3DT and I am trying to think positive. Listening to my meditation cd's, laughing, and hopeful. I keep saying to my little embryos that please let one stay with us. 

My husband was not comfortable with transferring (3). Although after Dr. H said he had NO problem, it was a done deal. We decided the night before that we would do whatever the doctor thought was in our best interest. My husband also told me that we would be okay if this ivf didn't work. He said that we would be okay to live our life without a children together and that he loved me regardless what. I think that took some pressure off me. This has been a long road. We talked and talked. After some thought, I think we might be able to save up money for one more ivf next year if needed. I know I am getting ahead of myself, but as all of you know, I am a huge control freak. I guess we will cross that bridge when we get there. My husband really wants to go back to iui's. He said we had more luck with those then ivf. At least we had two chemical pregnancies. I have also considered donor eggs if we go through this again. I don't have a lot of information on it, but I am hoping the cost would be around the same as a fresh ivf cycle.  My eggs are shit, pure and simple.  I was almost shocked this go around. We stimmed slower, I was on vitamins to help with quality, did acupuncture again and the doctor said the eggs this time were a little bit behind the ones last time at day 3. I will be getting the call today that the other (3) were crap and didn't make it to freeze. I really hate that phone call. But, at least this time I was already prepared so it won't be such a huge shock.

Finally, here is a pic of my retrieval and transfer socks I got from Trisha :)

Of course no symptoms this early but I will keep you updated.

1DP3DT

Since the three day transfer is a new thing to me, I wanted to ask a few questions. It seems that my 10,000 trigger shot is already out of my system, how is that even possible?

Any tips for insomnia?

Did you have or not have any bed rest? My doctor office only says to "take an easy" for a few days. I have tried the best rest yesterday and now my whole body hurts. Don't think I can do it again today.

How early can you start testing on 3 day transfer? 7DP3DT?

Thanks for any information. Plus I love to obsess on the tww as you all know :)

Transfer Day

Had my transfer at 9:00 this morning. We transferred (3) embryos. (1) 7 cell, b quality, (1) 8 cell, b quality, and (1) 10/12 cell, b quality all with assisted hatching. I thought I would have to cry and beg my doctor to transfer three, but the firs thing he said when walking into the room was "  I have no problem transferring three today." I think in a way that made me feel even worse. The remaining (3) embryos were bad quality, as of today there were (2) c's and (1) d. So it is safe to say that we won't be freezing any. This go around I am choosing not to name the embryos or say I am PUPO ( the until proven otherwise) is really starting to get to me. 

Here are pics of today's transfer. Hopefully I will sound more excited another day.

 

Btw has anyone here had assisted hatching before? Does this cause implantation earlier then usual?

 

Three Day Transfer

I just heard back from my clinic and we are doing a three day transfer. I already knew in my heart with only 7 embryos we would most likely do a three day. Here is the embryo report as of today:

(1) embryo didn't divide or grow so its out of the picture
(6) are grade b

I asked about the possibility of transferring (3) tomorrow since we most likely wont have any to freeze and this is our last ivf attempt. My husband is nervous about that but we are both leaving it up to the doctor to tell us what his thoughts are. I hope he will let me transfer (3).

Fertilization Report

As you know we retrieved :

 and

Were Mature


And

 

Fertilized

Doctor said that was an exceptional fertilization rate

Retreival

I am going to be very honest and whiny here. They retrieved 9 and I am doing everything possible to hold back my disappointment and fear. I know it only takes one and I know that it is quality over quantity. Doctor H explained since we are working with far less eggs this time, they decided to do ICSI on all of them. Most likely if we can transfer any, it will be a (3) day transfer instead of (5). My fear is I will still have bad quality this go around and none to transfer. Just wanted to update you guys. I am going to bed.

Change of Plans

Well I received a call from my clinic at 5 this evening and there is a change of plans. I trigger tonight at 11 p.m. I asked why the change from this morning and she stated that my E2 levels are starting to plateau out. Yesterdays level was 1428 and today's level was only 1526. I guess when that starts to happen there is a risk that everything will stop growing and that isn't good. My retrieval is set for 10 am on Wednesday morning. Just took my last Follistim, Menopur, and Lupron injections. Please keep me in your thoughts because I am really nervous about being put under again and having some anxiety.

Slow Cooking

Stims Day 10

Lining is 10.5
Yesterdays E2 was 1429 (waiting on todays)

Looks like my retreival is going to be on Thursday instead of Wednesday. I am slow cooking this cycle. I also like the idea of another day my follies to grow bigger and stronger.

Maybe I will have a great belated birthday gift?

Stims Day 9 & Happy Birthday!

Just got back from the doctor. My lining is at a 9, still waiting on E2 levels and it looks like my transfer will be either Wednesday or Thursday. The doctor said this time I am stimulating very slow and have a lot less follicles (which she believes is a good thing). Another doctors appointment tomorrow morning. As it looks today, I have a cluster of about 10 follicles and the remaining 8 or 9 are in the wings behind the rest. 

I did discuss my concerns about my blood pressure shooting up after my surgery in July. I was really nervous coming out of anesthesia and them having to give me medications for the blood pressure. I am scared it will happen this time also. If I never have to go under again, will be to soon. I do think that during retrieval you don't go as far under as you do with surgery, or that's what I keep telling myself.

I forgot to mention but today is my 37th birthday :) My husband is out of town until this evening, so I am celebrating by sitting home and crocheting. 

Funny Infertility Friday

Stims Day (7)

Lining is 8.5

E2 levels- 826

As of today I have about 13 measurable follicles. As always my left ovary is the champ that never lets me down :)

My follistim was increased on Wednesday because my E2 levels were on the low side. Doctor said we are most likely looking at next Wednesday for retrieval 8-22. Getting close.

Hope everyone has a wonderful weekend :)

Question Answered

Today is Stims Day 5.....

This morning ultrasound went pretty well . I keep trying to remember something a friend said, "don't compare your ivf cycles". So every step of the way that is the first thing I want to do and then I talk myself out of it. This is a brand new cycle and anything can happen!

Here is a breakdown of my visit:

Stims Day (3) E2 levels were 151

Stims Day (5) E2 levels (308)
Uterine lining is at 7.5 today!
Right side ( 3 follicles around 11 and 12 smaller then 10)
Left side (3 follicles around 12 and 6 smaller then 10)

Dr. H asked me about ICSI this morning and if I remembered our conversation from a few weeks ago. I explained to him that I did remember and he had decided we would do 100% natural fertilization since the numbers were the same for that and ICSI. Then I told him I wasn't very comfortable with that decision. He went on to explain that he spoke with embryologist  and he recommended half ICSI and half natural again this time. I guess the last time even though my fertilization rate was the same, the eggs that fertilized naturally had a split nucleus which can effect the development of the embryos and stop further growth. I was definitely happy with this decision.

All and all I think I am pretty happy with the progress of this cycle. I am stimming much slower this time. I have less follicles and my lining is thicker. It seems that things are in better control. If this ivf doesn't work I can say with 100% certainty that we did everything possible for a successful cycle, but my body just refused to accept that.

One more question. Did any of you going through acupuncture for ivf have electric hooked up the the needles for better stimulation? I guess it is a very common practice for the Colorado Reproductive Medicine and they do have very high success rates. I was suppose to have it the last time, but I was over stimulating so much that we decided not to. This time I have had it once already and go in again tomorrow for the second treatment.

LATE DAY UPDATE:
 We are upping the follistim from 150IU to 200IU. 

Overreacting?

This is completely non infertility related but I need some advice. I started working at my current job about 2 1/2 years ago. Before I moved here to marry my husband, Cierra and I lived in a small town and I worked for a oil company in a pretty small city, actually the outskirts. So we move here and I start working for a oil company smack dab in the middle of Oklahoma City downtown area. It was a complete culture shock and I still think I am trying to figure the bigger city out. Okay here is my problem. We are located right next to the local bus station and just on the outskirts of tourist area where city and tax payers have spent millons of dollars trying to pretend this is a family friendly and safe place. Here are the things I have dealt with in the last two in half years at my job. Remember I am the first one here in the mornings.

• Countless piles of feces on our sidewalks
• Needles from drug use
• Used condoms
• Had a group of guys smoking pot right in front of my door while trying to enter by myself in morning
• Had my truck kicked and punched by group of people while trying to park
• Had countless homeless people sleeping in back alley where I used to park
• Had people sleeping on our sidewalk while trying to enter my work
• Of course trash everywhere

Okay I admit I am from a small town and not used to this. Am I over-reacting when I want my bosses to do something about this? I don't ever feel safe coming to work in the mornings. We leave our door locked until our bosses are here. Is this a city thing? I mean should I expect this working downtown? I took a picture of the guy sleeping this morning to start collecting evidence to show my bosses. After the people hitting my vehicle, my boss told us to start parking up front in the parking lot. There are so many shady characters around this area, ugh.

Here is the pic I took this morning. Would this freak you out?

And yes I know some people think "Oh poor homeless people" and I thought that until I started working here. Most of these people are homeless because of drug addiction and they are very un-predictable.

Saturday my daughter had a dentist appointment to have a cavity filled. Well it turns out she needed a root canal. As I sat there in the chair looking at her goofy on the gas I was about to throw up. $919 out of pocket with insurance. I started thinking that our dental insurance isn't that great. When did things start costing so much freaking money? The dentist had a talk with her and said if she doesn't start maintaining her teeth better that she will lose them by the age of 35. I think this is something I passed onto her and I'm not proud. I am scared shitless of the dentist. Yes I do brush and floss and use mouthwash, but I don't go to the dentist like I am suppose to. I am actually 4 months overdue for my cleaning because I am a huge wuss. Guess I better step up and be a better role model. We are going back Wednesday for the second part of root canal and temp crown. Then back in a few weeks for permanent one. I had them stress the importance of brushing and flossing to her so fingers crossed she listened. Guess what? One of my teeth started hurting on Saturday evening and now I think I have a cavity. Trying to figure out if I should go in this week and have it fixed or wait until after our ivf.

Sunday we took Cierra school clothes shopping and then came home so I could paint our front door. I love the doors on HGTV, the reds and copper etc. So I decided to paint our front door copper. Here is what it looks like so far. I only finished one coat yesterday.

And finally in ivf news, I went in for bloodwork this morning. I started my stims Saturday night. I never know how to count the days. It seems like today's bloodwork would be Stims day 2 since I don't take my injections until the evening. Waiting on my E2 levels to come back later today and make adjustments to medications.

Funny Infertility Friday

Friday Update:

I am feeling much better today. Guess I just needed a nice breakdown to get all of my feelings out. Thanks for the comments and suggestions yesterday. I think many couples, especially with no infertility coverage freak out over the cost of multiple cycles of ivf. I think I was looking at it the wrong way though. I should be grateful that we were able to do this. There are so many people out there that because of finances can't get a loan or save up enough money for one ivf cycle. For that I am grateful and I need to take my own advice and just breathe. Start stims tomorrow. This is actually my favorite part of ivf!

Emotional Breakdown #1

So I offically had my first emotional, bawling breakdown of this ivf cycle. Even better I am at work. It started by looking at my bank account and not seeing as much money in there as I thought I should have. Cue....... mass panic.

• Cierra starts school next week and I don't have all of her clothes and no school supplies. She needs lunch money also. $$$$$$$

 My mind then goes to:

• We need to have $500 for anesthesia in two weeks. $$$$$$$

Then:

• Oh my god what happens if this ivf doesn't work (again). Will my husband be disappointed in me for failing at this (again). Why do I keep letting him down? Why can't I get pregnant? Where are we going to get more money for fore treatments? How will we keep from going in debt? Will are marriage survive not having children together? Will he always feel like he was robbed if we stay together?

Like I said a complete emotional breakdown at work. Only positive thing, I am the only one here at the moment. I hate having all these feelings and not having control of a situation. I want this to work so badly. I have done everything I can for this to work and it is so far out of my hands. I hate this. Why does infertility have to take so much away from you? Despite fighting it and trying to not let it win, it still does.

I just wish I knew what to expect.....

Baseline Appointment

I had my baseline appointment this morning and I have some mixed emotions. I won't have my bloodwork results back on estrogen until this afternoon though. My lining was nice and thin at 4 and here is the kicker:

IVF #2 (Todays baseline)
Right ovary- 8 follicles
Left ovary 10 follicles

Verses:

IVF #1
Right ovary- 14 follicles
Left ovary- 15 follicles

I had significantly less this go around. My biggest thing leading up to this round was quality over quanity and still is. Guess I just thought I would have about the same amount this time and just stim slower so they have a chance to grow slowly and beautifully. I am happy with the results though. I will update later on my E2 levels and if we have a go for stims Saturday.

3:00p.m. Update
Estrogen is nice and low. Start stims on Saturday. Thankfully he lowered my dose of Follistim this time to 150! Nice and slow is what we need to keep our fingers crossed for.

ICSI

I am kinda torn on something. According to my last visit with Dr. H, he stated that last time my fertilization rate was the exact same for both ICSI and natural. This time he thinks we should for go the ICSI and just let everyone fertilize naturally. I do know that through natural fertilization you are suppose to have better quality embryos. This really scares me though. With it being our final ivf, what if none of them fertilize and we are left with nothing (like a fellow blogger on her first ivf). Should I tell the doctor that we still want some of them fertilized through ICSI? Last time it was half and half. I might even feel better knowing a 1/4 of them were done that way? Have anyone here done just natural knowing you didnt have any male factor etc?

Feeling Better

Thank for all the support last week. I was so sick for over 8 days and was so close to throwing in the towel on this ivf. Things really started turning yesterday morning. I woke up not being dizzy, no body pain, no headache, no cramping stomach and no nausea. I don't know what happened but I am feeling 90% better. Friday was my last bcp and now I am on just my lupron injections. I have my u/s and bloodwork Wednesday for my supression check and then (fingers crossed) my stims start Saturday.

Decision Made

Well the decision was made for me. My clinic called yesterday and told me that the ganirelix was unavailable through the pharmacy. Since it was on manufactures back order, only certain people could get it and I didn't fit the criteria. Today is my last bcp and continue my Lupron. Guess I am going to keep trying to get through this.

Here are a few pics I thought I would share:

 Half of my animals in my room trying to make me feel better. Notice my cat Max under the bed with the "look".

New blanket I am making for my daughter Cierra. She picked out the colors and I told her it reminds me of a baby blanket.

Hope everyone has a good weekend.

My two choices

I left work at 2 today and went to acupuncture hoping that would help. Unfortunately it didn't. I know that it is making a difference but I couldn't tell this week just due to feeling bad.

Heard back from RE and I have two options:

Option #1: Keep doing what I am and just try to get through this

Option #2: Quit taking Lupron and try another protocol. Problem is the medication needed in on a medical back order and they don't even know if they can get it from the pharmacy, it could take months. I didn't ask what medicine it was because that didn't sound like a great option either.

I guess at this point I am going to try to hang on for another week until I start stims. If I miss work, then I miss work. I am not really sure what else I can do. Oh  yeah my panic attacks are back full force. I've had two in the last 4 days. I know that it is also from feeling so bad. 

I just need to make it through this rough patch. I am telling you that I'm not the same person I was a few weeks ago. I feel like a completely out of control basket case that should be in a padded room on lock down. Geez what I would do for a few xanax, seriously.

Not Good

I called my husband and told him I dont think I can continue with this ivf cycle. My body is going crazy and I honestly feel so bad. For the first time ever during this infertility process I want to give up. Not sure what to do. I almost got in a wreck coming to work this morning because I can't even focus to drive and the dizziness is killing me. I know it is only a few more weeks but I just don't know if I can do it. Ugh I feel like I want to be someone else.