Anger

As you can tell I am more then a little frustrated with Mr. "Dont do as I do, but as I say". There has been alot of controversary on the article where he stated "I believe life begins at conception, and the question I was raising was what happens to embryos in fertility clinics, and I would favor a commission to look seriously at the ethics of how we manage fertility clinics,” Gingrich said at a news conference outside another Baptist church here. “If you have in vitro fertilization, you are creating life; therefore, we should look seriously at what the rules should be for clinics that are doing that, because they are creating life.”
It finally hit me this morning like a brick in the face. Up until this point I couldnt really figure out why so many couples were so private about going through ivf. Why wouldnt they be? Hell look at this jerk who is making all of us feel like we are completely immoral and horrible people because we want children. Last time I checked, our embryos are OURS, not the  governments and not lawmakers, but mine and yours. I know that no law will be put in place before my ivf, but I worry for woman down the road. I dont want thier right to seek treatment to be taken away from them.

One thing I do know. I am so very proud that we are going down this road. It has not been easy, infact its one of the hardest things Ive ever done. I will continue to be very open about our struggle and our treatment. I will be very proud to say we got our baby through ivf. No one will ever take joy away from me, ever.

As far as people like Mr. Cheating pants...... well I think the karma bus will turn his corner one day.

RE/OB

I dont know if I have mentioned this in my blog but after 6 months of ttc and having no luck, my pcp mentioned that I should take some valum or anything that would " calm me down so I could get pregnant". Yeah he was a complete asshole and very insenstive. I then found a ob after that and went in to have a pap and bloodwork done. She seemed to think everything was fine and just suggested I keep doing what we were doing. Well I am a very outspoken person and that just didnt cut it. I informed her that with my age and 6 months of ttc and nothing, I wanted to be put on clomid (thanks Dr. Google). and if she didnt, I would find another doctor that would. She agreed and we started clomid, another few months and nothing so I decided to find a new ob at the hosptial my husband works for. I found the ob/gyn clinic and called for a new patient appointment. The lady answering the phone was so very sweet and asked what doctor I wanted. I didnt know there were multiple doctors, so I told her that I would perfer a woman and she set me up with an appointment with Dr. Hansen. Our first consult with her lasted over an hour and she talked to us about everything. I felt so happy and content that I actually found a great ob, FINALLY! Well she had me stay on the clomid for another month or so and did all the necessary testing on sperm, fsh etc. Everything came back normal. Our next appointment she went over our test results and said that we needed to get referred over to a RE. Guess what............ my RE that I am seeing now is her husband. Yes a husband and wife team. Let me tell you what, I have never been so happy with my choices, as the day I chose her. My last hope is that her husband will get me pregnant (not personally, lol) and I can go back to seeing her through a pregnancy. I know most woman have that fear of being released to the ob , but I know for a fact I would never be in better hands and have a compassionate woman who knows and can understand what we went through to make it that far.

I love my clinic and I dont really care what the success rates are with ivf, or if they are in the top ten list of clinics. I have something so much better, a place that truly cares for my best interest and will listen to me and give me a shoulder to cry on. Now that is priceless!

Just Another Sunday..........

Ok so my dogs are so funny! I woke up this morning to let them out before feeding them. About 20 mins later I am laying in bed and my sheltie "izzy" starts knocking on the back door. He was saying "ok mom we are hungry". I think it is so adorable when he does that and I love the fact how much animal can communicate with us. Gosh I love all of my animals. I might go as far as to say that I am a beginning animal hoarder. We have (3) large dogs. "Izzy" is our sheltie, "Boomer" is our chocolate lab, "Porter" is our lab mix that was rescued off the mean streets of Trenton, N.J. We also have "Max" our tiger stripped kitty and "Lillie" our tabby. I also feed (3) neighborhood cats that owners left them. Oh and my fat ole squirrels :) Ok yes I have a problem, but I love animals so much! They depend on us to live and that is one task I wont default on. Plus they give you such unconditional love. I wont lie though, keeping my house sparkling clean with this many animals does eat up alot of time. Im sure there will be adjustments made if we get pregnant.

Yesterday we met up with two great friends for hibatchi. They are expecting their first little boy anytime now. Out of all the pregnancy annoucements I get on a weekly basis, I am SO happy about this one. They are amazing people. NOt to go into the whole story, but my one friend was told she would never get pregnant and basically went on with her life and accepted it. Surprise! They also asked my husband and I told be god-parents ( which is such a compliment). I already know that I will love this little guy to pieces :) Now for all the other pregnancy annoucements, they call shove a sock down their throats because im not hearing it.

I read a blog last night about a fellow IFer suffering through a horrible case of OHSS and I wont lie, it has scared the shit out of me! That has been my biggest fear all along with moving forward on ivf. My doctor already said I response so well to stimulation medications. I know that on all of my iuis at baseline I had about 20 or more follicles. I know that what will happen, will happen, but its still really scary to think of that. Today is day 6 on bcp and im feeling pretty well. Ive had some headaches and fatigue, but thats about it. Hell I had worse side effects from Menopur so this is a walk in the park so far. Ive also caught myself commiting the ultimate IFer cardinal sin. I have been googling baby furniture and nursery sets. I know, know, know that I shouldnt do this but I can help myself. I feel pretty confident of our chances with ivf, even if it doesnt take the 1st time, we have bought multi-cycle. Someone slap me back to reality. I know all of us handle going through ivf differently and early pregnancy differently. I hope and pray that "IF" we do get pregnant I can accept it and enjoy it and not stress out about possible problems. As high strung as is already, that might cause me to have a freaking heart attack. I know, easier said then done. An unfortanate side effect of suffering through this is knowing ALL the things that could happen. NO more blissful ignorance from any of us...... Geez what I would do to have the blissful ignornance.

Well our next big appointment is this Thursday for our ART consult and hopefully our SHG and mock transfer go well. I also am very thankful that my clinic will knock me completely out for our transfer!

Birth Control Fatigue?

Ok ladies im curious to side effects from bcp. Have any of you had extreme fatigue from taking them? I shouldnt complain because im actually sleeping all through the night now. I have suffered from insomnia for many years and now im tired and in bed before 9, its kinda nice. Oh and im itchy! Not super itchy, but itchy.

Any input would be appreciated!

I am really starting to believe that there is something to this acupuncture. When I left last night, I felt absolutely amazing! I went to bed last night and slept through the whole night and my husband had to actually wake me up this morning. I know for a fact that my stress level is WAY down. If not for any other reason then stress, I am happy that im seeing him. At first I questioned the fact we are spending almost $1,000 for treatments. I thought this was money that could have went elsewhere, but know I realize its the best money I have every spent.  Since I am on the birth control period right now, my acupuncturist is doing a nice relaxing method and getting my body ready to become pregnant. I get to lie on my back with pillows and listening to relaxing music. Heck I almost feel like im floating around. The one thing I have noticed while undergoing this treatment. Dont ever move any limb where a needle is at. A nice pain will shoot through your body and then tingle, not the best feeling :) When we start our stims he will switch over to the other treatment with electric. I wont lie, I am not at all fond of this treatment, but hopefully we will only do it 2 or 3 times.

My DH and I are doing great again. Heck in the (3) years weve been married I think weve had about 2 or 3 fights. We really sat down and talked about the finances involved. His big problem wasnt until after baby is born and the cost of baby and paying off ivf cost. Luckily we did a budget and figured that with some trimming we could have everything paid off in record time. We did have to give up some things that we enjoy doing, but it was well worth it.

one the bcp front, im on day (2) and 26 more days to go and I can throw these suckers out the window :)

Dare to Dream

So last night I caught myself actually planning for a baby. Up until this point I havent really thought about this stuff because I dont want to get hurt anymore. I wonder if it is ok to really open myself up and give myself permission to think about a cute nursery, how will my older daughter react to a new baby? What about my dogs? And yes we have already picked out names for either boy or a girl. This has been done for almost a year in a half now, so that is one thing I dont think about. I keep telling myself not to have these thoughts, but it seems like that is the only thing right now that I can have..... is thoughts of what a new baby would be like.

Our clinic gave us a 50% chance of ivf working. My acupuncturist also said that our treatment will increase our 50% chance. Hmmm could this really be a possiblity? I am still trying to prepare for the worst and hope for the best. I think that is the safest option right now. Hopefully this Christmas I will be able to use one of my baby names. A girl can dream :)

Also reading over my calendar on last day it says " Pregnancy Test is 15 days after the egg retreival. Once pregnant, plan to continue progesterone until 10 weeks of pregnancy" Did you notice it said "once pregnant" ? hehehe, me giggling.

Of course since we have already picked names, we have also picked a bedding set too. I picked this out about 2  years ago and loved it so much, espeically being neutral.... What do you think?

Whos Starting.....

Who is starting bcp? Its me, its me! I start my pills tonight. The nurse asked when the last time I took bcp was. My answer was ummmm maybe when I was like 16? It could have been 17, but it has been way to long. She explained to me how to use them and they dont want me to start my period next cycle ( Didnt know that one). Our ART consult is February 2nd! I know that all you ladies already know this, but its new for me so im going to post everything. We will do our mock transfer and SHG, plus get our calendar. She said we should start stims around Feb. 26th.. Right on track.

UPDATED: I just recieved my calendar. I am scheduled for retrevial on 3/6, 3/7 or 3/8.

Part 3 and (hopefully) Final Installment

So after a very lengthy dicussion last night with DH, I am moving forward with our treatment. I talked to the nurses yesterday at my clinic and they said that the latest I could start bcp is tomorrow. Talking about a last minute decision.  I think more then financial reasons, my DH thought I didnt really listen to him and I was dismissing his thoughts in general. I can understand where he is coming from, I tend to be very harsh to most people, but I have really been working on this, especially with my husband. Financially we did look at other ways for the rest of money owed on ivf and I think we came to a good compromise. This journey is not at all what I expected. Honestly ladies I dont know how we all keep our shit together and make it through this. I do know one thing for sure. We as in woman who suffer through (IF) are much stronger mentally then woman who dont.

Thanks for all the support during the last day. I know that whatever happens to me, I always have such an amazing group of woman that have been there and know how im feeling. Having a support group going through this is absolutely priceless, thank you so much.

Looks like I will be starting bcp today and/or tomorrow. I am back on track and it feels good.

Stick a fork in me (Part 2)

Ok so I left work this morning and came home. I couldnt keep my shit together good enough to do anything. Let me start all of this over and hopefully it will make some more sense. After the taxes last night I was really upset with DH since we were going to use this on our medications. I was hoping that we wouldnt have to take out another loan if we got enough back on taxes. As of now we have to pay 152 dollars to federal and 651 to state (which is really ok and not a big deal). For anyone that knows my DH knows he is a HUGE tight ass (seriously) he ALWAYS stresses about money. To put this in perspective, we dont have any insurance to cover IF, but we dont make 6 figures between the two of us. We are not starving by anymeans.  He grew up with his parents always struggling and poor and he thinks that will be us if were not careful. I would like to remind him that he grew up with one person working in family and his mom staying home with (3) kids, that is a HUGE difference. I should have know taking this loan was going to push him over the edge.

So on the way to work this morning (we drive together into the city) he said that he was up all night thinking about our situation. He came up with (3) options:

1. To get an additional loan to cover cost of medications and other things not included ( $,5,000)
2. Get a refund from Attain and pay for one full cycle through our clinic (that way we could get meds)
3. Get refund from Attain and finish paying off our two vehicles, plus his one cc and that way we could be completely out of debt and save around 1,500 a month for 6 months and pay for a cycle through our clinic.

He then went on to tell me that his "suggestions" were not thought of emotionally like mine are and this is a very good finanical decision for us. This way we dont have to be stressed about paying loans etc. while getting pregnant. Well I was so fucking pissed I told him he had lost his mind. Sorry but at that time I couldnt get my shit together to debate on why his idea wouldnt work. He then said that over the six month period we could work on our relationship due to how stressed its become going through all of this. Which may I add, he said he did understand why I dont like having sex and I think of it as a job.

Ok here is my rebuttle to his financial new plan for us:

1. Even though the doctor said I have a good ovarian reserve, we are 36 going on 37 this year. Putting this off for at least 6 months doesnt make sense.

2. Attain program is 15,450 for (2) fresh cycles (2) frozen cycles. If we get refund and pay for cycle by cycle at our clinic, its 10K plus medications for fresh and about 2,700 for FET.

3. If we do pay of vehicles and his little credit card, what then? Things always pop up financially. How do I know that we will save that 1,500 a month for ivf? He always stresses about financies, how would this be different?

I think I also have very valid points. Furthermore I think the thing that pissed me off most about this whole conversation was..... When I asked why he didnt say anything sooner, his response was " you said you were doing this with or without me" Ok that is something I never remember saying. He is my partner, how would I make this decision without him? That is the most hurtful part. He hasnt been against any of this until the zero hour and then watch out DH is going to get everything off his chest.

Now I feel whatever decision I make, its a decision at all. If I fight for our chance to do ivf with Attain, then maybe he will go along with it and resent me. If we get our money back and do it his way, I will resent him for doing this to me. It is a lose, lose situtation. I hate to say this, but im to the point where I want to throw my hands up in the air with my white flag and surrender, seriously. I didnt know the amount of stress this causes on marriages and people. Its days like today, I wish I wasnt married. I love my husband so much, but I am completely overwhelmed and I dont know how much more of this I can really deal with.

Thanks for all the support. I know my earlier post was kinda scattered and bits/pieces. I dont know where we go from here. I called my clinic  yesterday and left a message about starting bc and having our consult. I never heard back from them today, (Maybe its a sign) that this isnt the road im suppose to be on.

I dont know if I will talk to DH about this tonight. I am still so filled with anger and hurt that its going to be hard to even look at him. I feel betrayed more then anything. I have no idea where I stand with our clinic as of right now. When I said he dropped the bomb on the zero hour, I meant it.

Stick a fork in me because im done.

WARNING THIS BLOG WILL CONTAIN EXPLICT LANGUAGE:

What a way to start off the week. At work, in tears and my makeup is completely gone. So on the way to work this morning my husband decided to drop a bomb on me. Last night while filing taxes I found out that he claimed (2) on his w4's and so did I, big oops. Now instead of getting money back that we were going to use on the cost of medications, we owe money for federal and state. Well anyone that knows my husband knows he freaks the fuck out about money. So this morning driving to work he informs me that we need to pull our money from the Attain Program. We need to pay off both vehicles and a credit card and then save money for a ivf treatment through our clinic and that way we wont be in debt. Oh and then we can work on our relationship (that has been suffering) Since I now look at sex as a job and we are stressed out. Really? you fucking drop all this shit on me while driving to w ork on a MOnday morning? Furthermore he said that I didnt give him a choice in this decision. Really? Cause I remember having the conversation with you! I am so fucking pissed right now I could seriously knock someones head off! How dare him bring this shit up on the day im suppose to go in and start bcp. So we can get our money back and pay off bills and then what comes up next that we werent expecting to pay. We will never be able to afford ivf then. I am throwing in the towel. I am so over fucking stressed that I just cant deal with this shit anymore!