Thursday, February 27, 2014

Is there a difference?

This is a post I have been thinking about for a while. Over the years this subject has been brought up many times to me personally and in groups, blogs etc. 

Is there a difference between woman who can get pregnant but have early miscarriages verses those who haven't seen two lines on a test?

This is a great question and I am sure if people want to be honest and admit their own feelings, some may say that what ever circumstance they  have gone through might be the more painful of the two? 

I remember the first positive pregnancy test I saw after about 13 years. I was about six months into this blog. I went into the bathroom that morning and peed on my stick. 

I just looked back to my blog from December of 2011. I sit here now and smile. I said thank you to all my followers and was so over joyed. Did I think that this was going to end in a few days at the time? Honestly, no I didn't. I always though a positive pregnancy test meant you were having a baby. Of course a few days later my levels dropped and that started what has now been six miscarriages. 

Do I think that "at least I can get pregnant"? Of course I thought that originally. I was so happy with the fact that I could in fact get pregnant and just needed to wait for that cycle where everything lined up. 

I can tell you for a fact as someone who has been through this, after a certain point it is very hard to be optimistic that you can indeed "at least get a + pregnancy test". Does this make my pain any worst then a woman who has tried for years and never seen a +? I don't think it does. I think that both are truly painful and I think that they both are part of suffering through infertility.  

It doesn't hurt me talking about this anymore. I have always been very open and honest with my feelings while going through this journey. 

For all of you out there going through this pain. My hope is one day and one day soon you will get your miracle. I hope that all of us see a positive pregnancy test followed by great betas and a beautiful heartbeat, with a growing baby to hold in our arms at the end of the day.

I am so happy I was able to do this blog post today. It is a tough road, but we ALL have the strength to make it through anything that is put in front of us and prevail. 


  1. I am so happy I found your blog
    I think about this topic a lot!

  2. Great post... And I agree pain is pain. And infertility is infertility.

  3. A post of hope, strength and belief. Just what all of us dealing (or have dealt) with infertility need. Glad to have found your blog.

  4. This is excellent! My friend (who is also struggling) and I talk about this topic a lot. As she has never seen two lines and I have seen a few that were fleeting and ended too soon.... I'm glad we both agree that regarless of which journey we are on, it's painful and terribly unfair. Great words girl! XOX

  5. This is a great post. I agree with you, I don't thing there is a difference. To have a positive and then to have a take home baby is such process for an infertile. It's so messed up that's that how it happens. I'm so thankful and thank my lucky stars everyday that I look at my son. After all the losses, you still never forget, at least I don't all that pain. Of seeing a positive pregnancy test to all fading away weeks later. But I wish for you so much that you get that a beautiful healthy baby. I wish so much that your next test is positive and that it results in what you've been working do hard for.

  6. I feel so bad that I said that to you yesterday. I didn't mean it the way it came out. I guess I was just surprised about the number of pregnancies. I would never want to say anything to make you hurt worse. I am truly sorry and I hope you will forgive my insensitivity. :(

    1. I sent you a message on fb. PLEASE don't feel bad :)

  7. You've been reading my mind.

    And I'm in complete agreement with you. As someone who's been on both sides of this equation (unable to become pregnant on my own and then dealt with 2 losses) I agree that this idea of "worse" is only measurable for the experiences of one individual. Comparing between people is in no way fair, as it doesn't take into account life experiences, perceptions and even outlook.

    Been thinking of you a lot and am keeping you close to my heart. And as always, hoping.

  8. Thank you for posting this. (I just stumbled across your blog for the first time - Hello!) How serendipitous, I was having this very conversation with my partner yesterday. I have lived in both camps - we went a long time with no + then we got our first +... and our first miscarriage. We've since had one healthy baby (amen!) and 5 more losses (the most recent a chemical pregnancy from IVF in January). I think it's very painful getting pregnant and losing the baby (especially after seeing that flickering heart on the ultrasound screen) but I believe never getting a positive test result is also agony and makes one ask oneself the same questions - what is wrong with me? will this ever happen? why me/us? etcetera. I don't know how one could know what's worse because each person's experience is their own and both are awfully painful and sad when you're living them. I don't know if there is any point comparing but I did say yesterday that in my case, never getting a positive test was worse. At least when I keep getting pregnant but losing the babies, I have hope that we might still get lucky... some day. Though that hope is fading fast now as my age has hit the "almost never successful" category in the stats.

    Wishing you all the best on your journey.

  9. I loved all the feedback on this topic. Thanks!

  10. I don't think anybody can ever say "my pain is worse than your pain." As you know, I've been on both sides of this spectrum. We went 13 years before ever having a positive. Then we had a chemical pregnancy and a miscarriage at 9.5 weeks. The loss was much more gut wrenching for sure, but at least I could say I got to experience of feeling that joy of seeing the two lines and hearing the heartbeat. I got to experience telling Hubby's parents we were expecting. It was much more gut wrenching to experience the loss for me, but prior to that when I never thought we'd ever even get to that point, was more of a long lasting heartache of what we thought we'd never have. Which one is worse? I don't know.