Thursday, February 13, 2014

I remember

I remember our first visit to Dr. H in early 2010. Al and I walked into the clinic knowing that this doctor would have all the answers and we would be pregnant in no time. We never even thought twice about it.

I remember being accepted for the A.M.I.G.O.S study through my clinic which included 4 cycles of injectable iui. I just knew that first iui was going to work and never thought twice about it. On 10DPO I started spotting and remember distinctively knowing it was implantation bleeding. It actually was the start of my period instead.

I remember going through all four of my iuis and getting pregnant twice (chemically). 

I remember not thinking much about a chemical pregnancy. Mainly I remember that something was actually working instead of failing. 

I remember deciding to move forward with ivf because that always works, no questions asked. Al and took a $20,000 loan from his ira account and prepaid for the Attain program which included 2 fresh cycles and 2 frozen cycles. I remember thinking that we would get pregnant on our first fresh cycle and then we could donate all our additional embryos to couples that needed them. Still thinking at this point we were getting our baby soon. Never even thought twice about it. 

I remember our first ivf we had so many eggs retrieved 23, 17 were mature and 15 fertilized. We transferred two and none left to freeze. I remember being disappointed, but still knowing this would work. It didn't. 

I remember our second ivf and this time not so many eggs, only 9 of them. We transferred three and none left to freeze. We get pregnant! I remember hearing that my numbers weren't rising correctly and going to the emergency room for ectopic pregnancy. After that ordeal was over I remember it finally hit me. Holy shit we have spent $20,000 + on something was was suppose to work and it didn't.

I remember going through my two hysteroscopic surgeries and hoping that would fix the problem. Also going through a LAP surgery because it is suppose to work

I remember getting pregnant a few more times and numbers dropping.

I remember my last pregnancy a year to almost the day. We got pregnant with Femara on a timed intercourse cycle. My betas always doubled but were always on the low side. Going in for u/s and finally seeing a yolk sac and a heartbeat. We have finally made it three years later. We have made it. I remember Al having a meeting that morning and I had to go in for my ultrasound alone. Something just didn't feel right. Our little circle didn't have a heartbeat any longer. I remember the anger and sadness and all the bleeding and cramping for weeks and months after that. 

I remember finally making an appointment with a specialist in Chicago. She specializes in immune disorders with reproduction. We saved and finally made it to the appointment, weeks later had our consult to learn I had underlying immune issues. Finally we have our answer! Finally we will be parents! After all of these years we are finally here. 

I remember all of this very vividly and I mostly remember that we are no closer today then the first day we walked in that doctors  office back in 2010. 

I remember every emotion I have been through since this ordeal began. The thing is, I am grateful to have this experience in my life. I want to remember all the trials that tested me in my life and I prevailed. 

Mainly I remember the love and support my husband has given me through all of this. I want to keep remembering all the love we have for each other. 

It doesn't look like a baby was in the books for us, but I still want to look back later in my life and remember how hard we fought to have one.


  1. You are a fighter. One of the most optimistic fighters I have encountered on this journey. I'm not always as 'upbeat' as you but your blog always reminds me to take a look at what I have and be thankful for it instead of being sad for what I don't. You are an inspiration.

  2. awe girl I am have been through so much! Praying for you!

  3. I am so sorry girl! You have been through so much. I'm praying for you as always!

  4. I'm so sorry. What a difficult journey you've had to get here. You are so strong and I admire your ability to say that you are grateful for the experience.

  5. I agree with Infertile625, you are such a strong woman. A fighter and an optimist. You have helped so many of us to stay positive too... I am thinking of you!

  6. I didn't realize you had so many pregnancies. That must be horrible getting so close so many times. I still have faith it can happen but I also see why you would feel defeated. I'm here if you need anything. :(

  7. Hugs Toni. You are a strong lady. Sending you prayer and love.

  8. You really are an inspiration! Thank you for sharing your memories...I agree that it's important remember...the good and the bad. I hope the future holds experiences that will create more of the happy kind!

  9. I remember so much of this too. Watching from afar as you went through each of these steps. Here's the thing that is really amazing about you T: this is stuff that breaks people. Full on turns them into bitter, resentful people. You have not only risen above, but done so with grace.

    It's been said time and again that getting a baby at this end of the journey does not mean one has conquered infertility. And I've seen so much evidence to support this. So I can easily say, without a doubt, that no matter how this journey ends, you have not only conquered it, but set a shinig example of how to live life to the fullest.

  10. Such a fighter! Hugs and love your way. That's a lot to remember, and sometimes it's just hard to remember all this stuff we go through and be ok. PRAYING!

  11. You've been through so much in life, and yet you continue to prevail. You definitely are a strong woman and you deserve to be happy, however that happiness finds you. Keep on keeping on. Love to you my friend.