Mixing Pot

As usual my post will be about this and that today.

I have been thinking about this post for a while now and couldn't think of a way to word it without it coming out wrong. Let me say first and foremost, I love my husband and I am truly blessed and thankful to have him in my life. 

As you know we are a little over 3 1/2 years of fertility treatments. Most of you have been with my blog and that and vice-verse. Over this time I have noticed that so many husbands have been very pro-active with your blogs. Such as doing guest posts etc. Al is very aware of my blog and has never asked to read it or ever become involved in it. He doesn't speak about our infertility issues, our losses, the fact he wants to become a father, our treatments. Of course I talk about all of it frequently and he listens to me, he comforts me, but I can never see his feelings on everything that has happened or what we are currently going through. I am not sure if he feels he has to be strong for me? Throughout all of our miscarriages he was there to hold me while I cried and asked why this kept happening to us. He has always went along with treatment, he is my support and rock. I guess since we really got into treatments, I decided at that moment I was going to throw myself 100% into awareness and support for couples going through this. I have dedicated the majority of my time with my facebook group of amazing woman, blogging, quilts etc. This is something I felt that I needed to do and will continue to do regardless. So maybe he feels like this is my passion and he will just let me do what helps me get through? Regardless I know how blessed I am to have Al in my life and I won't ever thank that for granted. I love my husband so much. I do want to give him a baby so much, but more than that, I want to be the best wife I can to him. I want us to grow old together and love each more 20 years later than we do now. 

Okay on to something more up beat. Guess what I have to share today?? Remember the quilt pictures I said I was going to share? Well some of my moms had their babies and sent me pictures of the little ones with their quilts I made. I still have a few moms that are very close to labor and I will do another post showing off the babies and quilts. As for now,  please enjoy all the sweet babies. Each and everyone of them hold a special piece of my heart. 

This is little Eleanor & Evelyn

 This is little "J"

 This is little Elliana "Ellie"

 This is little Max & Harper

 This is little Elaina

MTV (True Life)

Yesterday MTV aired the episode " I am desperate to have a baby". Months ago I was very uncertain about how this program would turn out. They were asking for woman in between the ages of 18-29. When I saw this my first initial thought was, " Who has infertility at 18 years old"? So I kinda blew off the whole thing and actually forgot about it until yesterday. I was having a nice relaxing Sunday watching old Lifetime movies and while flipping channels came across this. I thought what the heck and gave it a shot. Now I have to say I was pretty impressed with the episode. I know there has been a lot of negative feedback that they didn't mention all the medications etc. Well going through ivf, I knew exactly what meds they were using and the whole procedure. To be very honest, anyone watching this show that hasn't suffered through infertility could probably give two shits less about what medications these woman were using. If you didn't watch, they had two couples.

1st couple- Had suffered through infertility for over two years and they got pregnant on their first ivf.

Now the couple that truly impressed me and stole a piece of my heart was the 2nd couple

2nd couple- Had been trying for six years and had 5 failed ivfs under their belts. This time she was going in for their last attempt and doing a FET. Before her FET I noticed the doctor put her on heparin and she was also doing infusions to stop her body from attacking the embryos. Well two days before beta she couldn't take it anymore and tested. It was negative. I think at that moment she knew in her heart that it was over. They tried to stay positive and wait on beta, it was negative. She was absolutely devastated. I almost cried watching this. Knowing the feeling of years and years of failed cycles. They had already spent over $60,000 on treatments. Well they decided not to move forward with anymore ivfs and to instead find a surrogate to carry her last two frozen embryos. This will cost them $40,000. At the end they both said no matter what they would have their family. I loved this couple!

I did have a hard time trying to relate to the first couple. But, I do know there are many people out there that have been successful with their first ivf procedure.

All and all I was very impressed with this special and I hope it opens the door for more information on infertility in the future.

 Quick update on anxiety meds:
Effexor is not working. I have a call in to see where to go from here.

Funny Infertility Friday

This & That, Episode (Alot)

Well we just finished up cycle #40 for our long awaited baby. I don't want to say it was a failure because I don't feel like it was, but it was a bfn. I did ovulate and produced numerous follicles this cycle so I do know my body is working as hard as it can with what we have to work with. These conditions can be hazardous :) As I said before, Al and I decided to take this next cycle off before seeing Dr. Kim so I can mentally and physically prepare my body for this visit. I am not sure how exactly my bladder is suppose to hold 30 ounces of water. All of my previous treatments my RE had me empty my bladder because it was to full and that was only with about 24 ounces. I just don't want to pee on anyone and I am sure they feel the same way. I guess if I do, it is something I can always remember with this trip. 

For anyone who has seen Dr. Kim or could give me advice in general, what questions should I be prepared with? It seems like the past three years I have asked every question under the moon and now I am just drawing a blank. Even though this is a new appointment I still have been here many times (if that makes any sense). I know all the basics and the real questions I have is "why can't we get pregnant with all our test being normal"? well no one has an answer for that. So any advice on that would be awesome. Also, did you drink 30 ounces of water before your appointment? Did you have to wait for all the blood work to come back before she decided on treatment? I noticed on many people who have seen her, they go on to do TI, has she ever told you to go ahead with IUI verses TI? Oh and if you are wondering, I have :

1 month, 1 week & 2 days ladies!! 

I have posted this on my infertility blog, but wanted to post here also. If you are one of the woman who I made a quilt for and had your baby or babies, can you please send me a picture of them on the quilt? I want to do a very special blog post with all the of the quilts and their new little owners:

 You can email me at tonisharapp@yahoo.com with the picture if you will allow me to share with my blog followers.

As you know I am still on a break from making quilts. I am still searching for that sparkle I had that disappeared. I know it is around here somewhere and I just need to locate it again. Please know that even though I am not making the quilts right now, you ladies that are pregnant hold a very special place in my heart.

 

We are back!

We survived One Direction ladies! Here are some pictures from Cierras 16th birthday party and our trip to Dallas. It was HOT, HOT,  HOT. 

 Cierra was beyond embarrassed that I got up on red carpet and had Al take my pic

 Not our vehicle but someone else with teenagers staying at our hotel. Wish I would have thought of this!

 I also have a video of the girl mob after the concert running down the road after the tour buses. I need to figure out how to upload it though.

I have one happy daughter :) Her sweet sixteen was very sweet indeed.

When I came back to work this morning, this was sitting in my chair. I did laugh (just a little).

 

Happy 16th my daughter

I am not sure I will have time to get on tomorrow and blog. Sixteen years ago on July 21, 1997, I gave birth to my amazing daughter. The past sixteen years have been filled with ups and downs, but I would never take back one second of it for anything.

My sweet daughter, you will always be my baby girl even when you are a mother yourself. I am so proud that you can me mom and I had the opportunity to have you in my life. Soon you will be driving, graduating high school, starting college and starting your own life. Thank you for letting me be your mom.

Love you!


Tomorrow we are taking Cierra out to hibachi for her birthday and then off to Dallas on Monday for the One Direction concert. I will take lots of pictures  .

If I never am able to have another child, I know how blessed I am in life.

Funny Infertility Friday

Downward Spiral

These last few weeks have been hell. I don't know of any other way to put it, but I am just not me. I have been filled with so much outward anger, irritability, and just plain pissed off 24/7. I am having problems at work because of trying to deal with co-workers and its not going well. Frankly, I am so fucking tired of being the person responsible for everything. Whenever a question is asked, guess who should automatically know or deal with even if it isn't in my department. As much as I loved this job in the past, it has many flaws also. Since we only have three, actually two employees plus one that comes to work every once in a while, there are no set guidelines at our job. We don't have anything in place for vacation or sick leave. We don't have any type of job manual for what is our job description and what isn't. There isn't anyone that is above another employee (even though some think so). This fills up my work time with many  problems. I was hired on as a Landman and executive assistant for my boss. I don't do accounting or never signed on for anything accounting based, so why is it that I should know other peoples jobs and they get a fucking hissy when I call them out and they have to do their own job? Well I could go on and on about my job right now, but I am sure no one really wants to hear about it. This attitude is also flowing over into my personal life. Al was driving us into work this morning and I wanted to slap the shit out of him because his driving sucks! It annoys to me to every end of my being!

See what I mean? I have so much negative energy going through me and I don't know what to do to stop it..............................

I really hope this gets better because I can't keep going on like this for much longer.

3DPO

Well I woke up this morning to cross hairs on my Fertility Friend. For the most part I think this chart is pretty accurate. Although for the past two months my date of ovulation has been off by a day. For some reason it keeps adding day of ovulation on the day of my trigger. I know for a fact that I haven't ovulated on those days. I do like obsessing over my temps during the 2ww, it gives me something to do so that the time doesn't go so slowly. If this cycle doesn't work I should start around July 27th and that cycle following, I am taking a break. I will still temp, but I have decided not to have intercourse while I am ovulating. This way I know for sure my next cycle will be on time and I don't add any additional stress or anxiety to my already anxiety filled body. From everything I have read about Dr. Kim, she likes for woman to come in before ovulation and after there monthly. I looks if all goes according to schedule that I should be seeing her a week after my cycle starts. So about CD 10 and I don't think it gets any better on timing than that.

I am also starting up my new anxiety medications so that will give them a little while to start fully working before my appointment with her. I am still not happy with the fact that I had to start up medications again. I wish that I had a choice in this. My anxiety is affecting my work, I can't concentrate or remember anything. It is not easy to come up with excuses on stupid mistakes. I know my bp is very high again today because my face is burning up. I have been practicing breathing etc. Although I have a dental appointment later today for a implant and I know that is not helping my nerves at all. Regardless what happens from this point forward, I think that starting back on medications was a "must".

Oh and before I forget, the dreaded time has come! Yes ladies in a few short days I will be driving my 16 year old daughter and her cousin to Dallas for a One Direction concert. All the screaming girls you can imagine and probably some screaming boys as well. Al and I had to take next Monday and Tuesday off work because the concert in on a Monday night and we live about 4 1/2 hours from Dallas. My daughter is so excited and I am happy she loves her birthday gift, but I am seriously dreading this..... One good thing. We got a beautiful hotel 3 blocks from concert so Al and I can walk girls down there and pick them back up and don't have to sit there the whole time. I will definitely post pics of her most memorable moment as a 16 year old girl :)

Doctors Appointment Update

I knew for the last few days that my blood pressure was high. My face has been red and very hot. This morning it was 149/84 at the doctors office. I really liked him. We talked for a little over an hour and he actually looked me in the eyes and asked me questions. He seemed interested in what I had to say. After our long talk, he has decided to start me on Effexor for my anxiety and Trazodone for sleep as needed. I go back in a month for a follow up to see how things are going.

Has anyone ever been on this drug?