This month I made a rookie mistake. When I say rookie mistake I am referring to my own experiences and not others who are going through infertility. I got my hopes up on a cycle. This hasn't happened but a few times since we have been trying to have a baby. I found that the let down is so much worse when you get your hopes up and think a cycle is going to work, verses just focusing on the treatment and future treatments. I am not sure what it was that made me put my guard down. Maybe the fact that I had my first IVIG treatment, maybe the fact that my progesterone was almost 20 on 5DPO, maybe the cramps and back pain I had, maybe the spotting I had on 9DPO? Yes while looking at all the things I can see why I got my hopes up, but it was my rookie mistake and I won't be doing this again. I need to get my head back in the game and focus on treatment and treatment plans.
I know that many people reading this right now might think that I need to have hope a cycle is going to work and get pumped about it. Maybe years ago I would have agreed with you, but I am way past that point and just trying to deal with things I have control of and not get carried away with those that I don't. It is times like this that I allow myself to get emotionally vested and in order to keep sanity I can't do that, I just can't.
What ifs........................ I truly dislike what ifs.
My husband said something to me yesterday that totally made me stop in my tracks. We were talking about how I haven't been pregnant in almost a year. I told him that I just don't understand what is going on. He said that maybe the new immune treatments I am on aren't helping, but making things worse. I don't think it could make things worse, but I am almost wondering if it is truly helping me? It has only been about 4-5 months doing this treatment, but one does have to wonder. It wears me down. It really really does. I know that everything I do is for a baby and I don't have any other choice but to do it, but it really does break you down slowly. No matter how strong, how determined you are, it chips away slowly and steady.
I sent my husband to the store today and he is buying me a 2 liter of Pepsi. I am going to have a few glasses, probably eat some carbs, listen to Pandora and sulk for a day. Tomorrow will be a new day with new starts for next cycle.