Tuesday, September 17, 2013

Today is CD1. I called the clinic yesterday to get a prescription for Femara. My idea was to start it on CD3 and on my follow up consult with Dr. Kim, ask her whether we could actively try this month. Therefore I would feel completely prepared in case she said yes. On the way home last night I told me husband of what I thought was a completely brilliant idea that no one understood but me. I could totally tell in his face that he didn't think my idea was in fact that brilliant at all. He said he didn't want us to mess up anything and be put in the waiting stage even longer. The first thing I wanted to do was be defensive and try to prove that I knew better and was right. The thing is, I don't know better and I'm not right. I am just tired of this waiting game. Al is tired of waiting. We are so close now and I can't let my emotions over take common sense. The prescription is already called into the pharmacy. I will pick it up today and put it in the medicine cabinet until next month. I did come into work today and email Dr. Kim. I let her know that today is my CD1 and our follow up with her will be on CD8. I asked if we could actively try this month or if I needed to sit out again for another month. In my heart I know the answer already. I know that it is her job to give me the very best care with her knowledge and in the end it will pay off. So I am waiting for a response and I guess as of today I can start counting down to a new cycle with Femara/Follistim and IUI..... T minus around 28 days and counting!!

We are taking a much needed camping trip this weekend. It has been planned for a few months now. Unfortunately I found out on Sunday that my ex MIL only has a few days to live. She was diagnosed with colon cancer 3 months ago. She went through surgery to remove the cancer, but they found out it spread into her liver and other major organs. Sunday I took Cierra to the hospital and said my good-bye to her. Cierra wants to be with her grandmother until she passes, so tonight I am meeting her dad and she will be with them until early next week.  I have mixed feelings about all of this and feel guilty that we are going camping this weekend while she is with her dad waiting on her grandmother to pass. It is a very hard situation and I told Cierra if she needs me, I will be there in a flat second. I think they want to share this within her dad's family and use this time to reconnect with each other. So I am stepping back and seeing what happens. She packed some fingernail polish last night so she could paint her grandmothers finger nails. The one thing that does help me feel better, one of the family members of her grandmothers husband is a Army Chaplin and he has promised me that he will talk to Cierra extensively and help her while she is there.  Why do I feel like a bad mother? 

Better get to work and finish packing boxes for our move.


10 comments:

  1. As much as waiting SUCKS (believe me, I did a lot of it), one more month is totally doable.

    I'm sorry about your ex MIL. It sounds like this weekend will be a good time for Cierra to bond with her dad's family so I wouldn't feel guilty about going camping. If she calls, you will be there. Otherwise, she will have other support with her.

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  2. Don't feel like a bad mom. She has family around her, and she knows you are thinking of her. I hope you enjoy your camping!

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    1. Thank you so much. I love this place we are going. It has nice hiking trails and a beautiful waterfall.

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  3. I'm glad you checked with Dr. K. I know it's hard to feel like you are doing nothing, but in fact, you are! You are focusing on your eating habits and walking. Still doing that, right??

    You are NOT a bad mother! I think you are doing the right thing by letting her to be with her dad's family during this time, as hard as that is. You wil be there for her if and when it is needed. A few summers ago, I watched my Grandpa die of cancer. As hard as it was, I cherish those last days I had with him. If Cierra is wanting to be there, she should be there. If she needs you, she will let you know. In the meantime, focus on taking care of YOU, too.

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    1. I am still walking and eating better :)I wish my husband would start walking with me in the evenings though. I did order some headphones so now I can at least listen to music while walking.

      I did tell Cierra to call me if she needed anything and I would be there.

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  4. Please...you are not a bad mother. She's gonna be just fine. And she knows how to reach you if she needs you. Also, how sweet of her to think of her grandmother by bringing nail polish. It's clear you have done a great job with her.

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    1. I am so proud of the woman she is growing in to.

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  5. You are an amazing mother Toni. Don't ever forget that! Cierra knows that you'll be there in an instant if she needs you. (((HUGS))) to Cierra!

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