I've had fear since this pregnancy began. Some times it seems less and other times it is in full force. I think this is something that each woman pregnant after infertility deals with in her own way. I don't think there is a right or wrong way to deal. My fear is back and I think its because I'm so close to 24 weeks and the big "V". I have read so many blogs of woman getting so close to their 24 weeks and losing their baby or babies. This scares the hell out of me. I have made it so far. I still listen to to their heartbeats every single day. I compare my pregnancy to others in my twin groups (which I shouldn't). I feel some movements. On Wednesday I will be 22 weeks and still no kicks :( It is so hard to see all the other twin moms in my group talking about feeling kicks at 18 weeks and husbands are feeling them also. I guess it just adds to all my fear about this pregnancy. I wish there was a crystal ball that could tell me that my girls will be born into this world. I know there are SO many people out there that can't understand where I am coming from because they have never experienced all the losses and years of treatment and that is okay with me. I keep getting told by everyone that the girls will be fine and to quit worrying. Well honestly, no one knows that for sure. I look at their cute little faces on the u/s pics daily that are taped to my computer. I smile when I hear the their little heartbeats on the doppler and feel little bubbles in my tummy. I hope everyday that I will meet these two girls and be their mom. I look at their cribs and imagine them laying in there giggling and just staring at me, as I stare at them. This has been my biggest struggle in life. Getting pregnant, staying pregnant and hoping it is not taking away from me. As for today they have nice strong heartbeats at 165 and 168 and I am doing everything I can to keep them healthy and alive.
Please universe, let us have this gift........................................
Let me make it to 24 weeks, then 27 weeks, then 30 weeks, then 34 weeks (at least). If you are feeling generous I would love to make it to 37 weeks :)
Carrying them has been the hardest and most rewarding thing to happen to me in a very long time. Regardless of the hardship of carrying twins physically, nothing compares to growing two little humans in your body. It absolutely amazes me.