2012

Well 2012 I hope you turn out to be a good year. I will put the fact behind me that I have a horrible head cold going into the new year and know this isnt a sign of things to come :)

I have decided in 2012 that I will work on being acceptive and happy with my life just the way it is, a baby or no baby.

I have been down in the dumps that I lost some friends that were really close to me over this past year, but I also picked up a new friend and even being pregnant, she has been the best support system. I am truly thankful for her friendship. I guess we all think we have great friends and the real test is when you go through something "trying" in your life. At this point the true friends shine and the other fade away. I will not spend anymore time upset about this and I choose to really be thankful for all the people who have stuck with us throughout this.

I also want to take the time to acknowledge the amazing woman I have met through my blog. Some of your stories I read makes me realize how special you truly are. I also have to say that I have never met a stronger, determined, more supportive group in my life. Some of you have finally got a BFP and are off to be wonderful mothers and some of you are in the middle of a loss and trying again. Some of us are still working on seeing two lines. My hope for all of us, is that 2012 is a year of happiness. Regardless of what the circumstances, I hope that we all can have some joy in our hearts and make the best of this new year given to us.

Finally. I will take time today to sit back and think about all the wonderful things that did happen to me this year. Honestly, that is a pretty big list. Most of all, I have my health and so does my family.

Too a Happy New Years ladies!



 

There is a bright side.........

While on our break until ivf, there is a bright side. Here are some of the things that I gladly dont have to think about for a month or so..

#1. No dildo cam. This means I get to keep my pants on and no audience checking out my goodies up  for     display.

#2 I dont have to shave my legs in a last minute attempt before heading to RE office!

#3 No injections that burn like hell :)

#4 No Menopur induced migraines lasting a week!

#5 No sitting in the RE's office looking at other woman as sad as I am.

#6 No hoping my ovaries produce some quality eggs this month

#7 No timed intercouse so my husbands sperm level is just right and has great motility

#8 No rubber cathedar shooting sperm into my uterus, while I have the "un-lubed metal duck bills stuck in me"

#9 No progesterone

and finally the best......................................

#10 No expectations which include early testing and hoping we get a BFP....

So this is what I am completely thankful for. There actually is a brightside, you just have to pick it out of the clouds  that block our vision.

I look forward to 2012!

My Name is Tonisha and................

Hello everyone. My name is Tonisha and im a Google addict. This relationship started out so innocently and then went to hell in a hand basket so quickly. At the beginning of our infertility journey I used google for common things, such as googling: side effects of medications, procedures I was having done and recovery times etc. The rest is a blur and im not sure how it got to this point, but...... its like I woke up one day and I find that there are a millon of couples just like me! They are suffering through primary and secondary infertility. There are thousands of websites with all kinds of information about iui's, ivf, progesterone, luteal phases, chemical pregnancies. You name and bam its there. I learned that all these other woman also had a "google phd" just like me! They also knew their doctor was wrong and why couldnt the doctor see what was really wrong and fix it, just like me! I do have to admit, its absolutely amazing that I am an expert on reproductive endocrinology and I didnt even have to go to college. How many people can say that?  I learned many interesting facts by googling. Did you know that chemical pregnancies are very common? Yes they happen (according to what website or forum you look at ) 25%-70%  of the time. A luteal phase is (according to what website or forum you look at) anything from under 10-12 days. It is also possible when you insert Crinone for it to work better if you stand on your head and fart really loud, twice. (sorry I had to add that one). Well I think everyone gets my point. So where do I go from here? At what point do I give up control and let my doctor do his job? I mean he is obviously qualified, right?


I sat down last night and had a conversation with my husband about moving on to IVF. It is honestly scaring the shit out of me. I told him since we had multiple chemical pregnancies maybe we should consider genetic testing before moving forward. ( I got that idea from Dr. Google also). Or maybe we should get a second opinion? How is it possible that my doctor, being as sweet and nice as he is, could possibly care about me getting pregnant as much as I do. My husband said I need to stay off the internet because its turning me obsessive and complusive (my words, not his). I told him I dont want to do IVF unless he can give us some assurance that we wont end up having more chemical pregnancies and wasting all this money. I know that the doctor cant do something like that. I also know that most of you are paying completely OOP and know the huge hole it is leaves. We can only afford to do this multi-cycle thing one time. What if it fails? So many fears going through my head and I am so unsure about everything.


I did promise my husband last night that I would  "try" to quit googling. I dont know if I have mentioned this to any of you before, I quit smoking a little over two years ago. I started smoking when I was a teenage at 14 and smoke until I was 34. I thought quitting smoking was the hardest thing I have ever done, but it doesnt hold a candle to quitting "googling". I know that sounds super lame, but its so easy to get online and find so many different people suffering along with you.


Well I guess I have blabbered enough today. There are things for my New Years Resolution and the top two are: quit googling and put trust in my doctor and hope all  his years in college will ultimately pay off for me.

Beta #2 Chemical (Lesson Learned!)

Just recieved call back from doctor and hcg was 14 and progesterone dropping. At least I can say this is the most unique Christmas gift ever! I have to go back next Tuesday and be tested again. They will test until my levels reach zero..... (and the fun never stops,huh) insert sarcastic laugh and a middle finger.

Thanks for being so supportive ladies. It seems you are the only ones I can talk to about this. I had a friend from my real life text me and ask if we should take a break from all the stress. Any person knows that going through IF, it just pisses you off worse when ppl ask if you should take  a break (even with the best intentions).

I learned a VERY  important lesson from this. NO more early testing, ever, ever, ever. If I didnt test on the day of my missed period and just waited, this would have been SO much less stressful.

Well I had to go in this morning for my 2nd Beta. I took another test and there is still a line, but no darker within last few days. My nurse is so sweet and so geniune. Everything was fine until she asked me to describe the bleeding. Are you serious? Its red and its blood thats been here for 3 days (pretty self explanitory). I told her not to bother calling me with the results that I already knew what was going on. She then said that unfornantely she had too. They have to follow you hcg levels down, unless it is lower today. Then she would have to contact me about starting my birth control for ivf preparation. I dont know why I am taking this so hard, but I am. I am in a complete slump and have a total F U attitude, ugh this isnt how I want to be. Maybe after today since im no longer testing, I can start moving forward and focusing on ivf. I think my biggest fear now with the two chemical pregnancies with a few months is we are going to pay and go through ivf and find out there is something wrong with chromos and then we are out of 20,000. Heck I dont know. That might not even be a legitimate thought, but it seems the most sensible out of all the ones im having.

I will update later on test results. The office closes at noon so she said she would, (at my request) email instead of call by noon.

Pour some more salt in the wound.

I called my doctors office this morning to see if I could go ahead and get this bloodwork over. I have sat home four days now, one minute seeing I was pregnant and the next minute bleeding and still showing im pregnant. Test going darker and lighter and darker and lighter. Well they wouldnt let me come in today and get this shit over with. I guess I am the only one who would like to be in some peace and not string this out any longer. Why couldnt this have been simple and just been a BFN like im used too? I mean I wouldnt wish this on my worse enemy and it seems as nature, god or whoever is suppose to be in control of things is just pulling those strings and laughing it up. I am beyond bitter at this point and not understanding why I couldnt go in one day fucking early and at least have a definite answer so I could start moving on. Ugh. That is pretty well sums everything up today. This has been the worse Christmas. I want the New Year to just get here already.

The Ultimate Tease

Well I woke up this morning to hoping to see a darker line on my test. My FRER had one line and my clear blue easy said not pregnant. Yes you heard me correctly. This last cycle was the ultimate tease and on Christmas no less. After a minute of my faith being restored within last few days, thinking that wow this could honestly be a Christmas miracle...... today its gone. I guess in some ways I feel relieved. I knew it was to good to be true. I havent been able to get pregnant for two years now, why would this have done the trick. I feel so stupid for getting excited about all of this. My husband is absolutely heartbroken. I feel so bad for him. He doesnt understand all that can "not" happen after a positive pregnancy test. I tried to explain to him that it takes so much more after the test, but he thinks it says pregnant, so we are pregnant. That only happens to the lucky people as you are well know. Well enough with self pity. I refuse to let this ruin my Christmas. I am blessed with my family and friends. Looks like we are on schedule for IVF#1 starting February 2012!

Before I go, I want all of you to know how special I think you are. The support that goes around in this group is absolutely amazing. I get more support and love from you ladies then I do so called "true" friends I have in real life, with the exception of a few.. (they know who they are) I know that some of us have and/or will go on to get pregnant and some of us wont, but I know for a fact that the support will always remain strong between us.

Merry Christmas!

1st Beta

Well I got the results from my bloodwork. Since im only 10DPIUI she said it would be low. My hcg is 10.7 and my progesterone is 13.9. Which this is the highest my progesterone has ever been. I am on Crinone so actually my progesterone is alot higher since it doesnt show up in blood. She said im definitely pregnant. They dont usually test this early. I wont test again until Tuesday morning. I hope this is it.

Why is it that when we get a positive test or 2,3,4,5 etc. that we still have to question everything. I should be overjoyed right now, but im just really scared. I guess its probably good that on 9DPO anything showed up in bloodwork. I just hope and pray this is for real..

Pregnant

According to my clearblue easy.... It says 99% accurate?

9DPIUI

Since AF is suppose to be here tomorrow, I decided to test. After looking and squiting I thought I saw a VERY faint line. To make this even sicker I have carried the test with me to work and keep pulling it out to see if the line gets any darker. I think the kicker is, its all in my head and my mind just wants me to see one. Can I please get the "ate up" award for the week? Geez I feel pathetic. I have no symptons, but I also have no AF symptons either. I guess my last cycle couldnt end quietly and uneventful.

8DPIUI

Ok here is my theory. I think that iui's are complete and total bullshit. I was looking on Cycle Sistas yesterday and there were (6) of us going through iui this month. Unfortnanetly (4) didnt take and the other (2) are still in 2WW. I have a huge feeling I will be the next on the "didnt work" list either. I sit back and think that I effing hate iui's and it is put in place to tease woman with the possibility of pregnancy. At the end of the 2WW it says " haha not this month". Why did I even waste my time with this crap? If I would have tried one or two cycles, then I could have moved to ivf and "possibly" been pregnant for Christmas. Ok. Yes I know im sounded like a complete bitter bitch today, but this gets old.

Symptons today.... a big fat...............................Nothing! and I should be starting period on Friday unless the progesterone wants to be a cruel bitch and prolong. I think we will have about a month possibly before we start preparation for our ivf cycle. I was waiting until we got the bfn for this cycle before I started getting prepared for next step.

I still plan on having a good Christmas and hanging out in pjs for a few days and stuffing my face. I have a bottle of wine that hasnt been cracked open in ages, maybe a glass of wine. Oh and enjoy some intimate time with my husband and not have to worry about procreating in a sample cup to cathedar to uterus.

On a lighter note, here is our 12 Days of Christmas (Thanks to 999 reason to laugh at inferility)

On the first day of Infertile Christmas, my true love gave to me
male factor infertility.
On the second day of Infertile Christmas, my doctor sent to me
a bill for our failed fertility.
On the third day of Infertile Christmas, my mother said to me,
“Why aren’t you pregnant yet? We have a fertile family tree.”
On the fourth day of Infertile Christmas, cousin Sally said to me
She’ll announce her latest pregnancy after dessert and tea.
On the fifth day of Infertile Christmas, Aunt Bess offered her advice
“Just relax and it will happen” was her very helpful vice.
On the sixth day of Infertile Christmas, my period said to me
“I’m showing up on Christmas Day with evilness and glee.”
On the seventh day of Infertile Christmas, your little sister sang a tune
she is now three months pregnant from her honeymoon.
On the eighth day of Infertile Christmas, PCOS said to you,
“You won’t see ovulation until 2022.”
On the ninth day of Infertile Christmas, my mother said to me
“My friend’s daughter got pregnant after drinking some special tea.”
On the tenth day of Infertile Christmas, my fertility nurse said to me
“we’re closed during the holidays but you still owe us a fee.”
On the eleventh day of Infertile Christmas, your mother-in-law began to wave
“please make me a grandmother before I’m in the grave.”
On the twelfth day of Infertile Christmas, hope said to believe
that one day it will happen and you will conceive.

Whether you celebrate Christmas/Kwanzaa/Chanukah or Festivus, don’t let infertility ruin another holiday for you. You’ve wasted too many tears and  too many special moments already. It’s time to celebrate your life right now.

7DPIUI

I have a few words to sum up how I feel..... TIRED and DIZZY. Since I always start 10 days after ovulation, I have decided to test on Thursday.

Still Hanging In

Today I am 6DPIUI and I have a good feeling this month that my progesterone is actually working! I have had sore boobs, lower back pain, fatigue, and on/off again nausea. Its kinda exciting in the fact this is the first month I think it has actually worked. I go in tomorow for my week post u/s and progesterone test and I am sticking to my guns that I dont want to know my level. I want to continue breezing through this cycle and put all of my thoughts and effort to my ivf.

This weekend I went over and helped a very good friend decorate their nursery. They have a little boy that is due at the end of February. We decorated in a jungle theme with little monkeys everywhere. It was so cute. I cant wait to meet the little guy. After helping them we stopped by the SIL's house and seen our niece and nephew. I have tried to stay clear, but my husband really wanted to go. I thought since we are staying home for Christmas that I could let him have this. For some reason it doesnt bother me to be around a friend that is pregnant, but its different (as I have previously stated) with Sil.

My husband went out and bought a ham for Christmas dinner. His family is really upset that we arent going to their house during Christmas. My DH told them it was due to doctor appointments and our treatment. His dad has been guilt tripping him about not coming. Heck just to make things fair, I decided we wouldnt go see my family either. If I had one Christmas wish besides the obvious of getting pregnant, it would be that other people could understand what infertility does to you mentally. If you have suffered from it, you have no idea.

I went to get my hair colored and cut on Saturday and my hair dresser is about 6 weeks pregnant. She told me that she thought she had a urinary tract infection. She didnt know that frequent peeing was early sign of pregnancy. She is hoping to get a vacation in before the baby is due and she already found a photography to take newborn pics. She says all of this with best of intentions. I mean she is a great kid and is a great mother to her little girl. It just goes back to the point, if you NEVER suffered from infertility then you have no flipping idea how somethings you say are hurtful to someone that is going through it.

The longer we get negatives on our cycles, the more I try to pull deep inside myself and stay postive. I want to remain the person I have always been. I want to know that I can accept that fact that I might never have a baby with my husband. We might always be the "cool" aunt and uncle. At this point, that is a very possible. I have been asked by certain people if we would consider adoption and/or fostering. My answer to that is no. There are certain people in this world cut out to adopt, I am not one of those people. If we ultimately cant have a child together, then like I said, we will give our attention to family members and friends. Maybe more vacations and toys. I have been blessed once in my life already with my daughter Cierra. If my plan is to only have one gift, then I should be grateful that I had that chance. She will be driving in a year and graduated in a few (how time flies).

For anyone reading this, I will apologize for my grammer and punctuation now :) Guess I was sleeping in class all those years ago.

3DPIUI

My thoughts this cycle hmmmm, well I have felt anything! Last month I had ovulation pains so I knew confidently that I had ovulated. This month nothing? I wonder when you get the hcg trigger shot what are the chances that you dont ovulate? Well that would be pretty rich that I didnt ovulate on my last cycle :)

Anyways I am looking forward to Christmas at home with just Al, Cierra, and me. Heck I might just stay in pajamas for 3 days :)

Final 2WW for 2011!

My iui went amazingly smooth today. I have to say that my doctor is a perfectionist and I like it. Our egg count was great, lining was great, but this month our sperm count was the lowest ever. Usually we are anywhere from 30-55 million, today was 18 million. It is what it is. My clinic likes to see at least 5 million so we are above that. My husband seemed somewhat disappointed. I told him that there is no "set" perfect cycle. We have obviously learned that during our procedures. It only takes one egg and one sperm, thats all. So I am off on my 2ww and I will not "google" or "test" this cycle. Either I will get pregnant or I wont, but I refuse to stress out this go around. I think it also helps that I know we are moving forward to ivf in February. Now that we have our finances and choose what program we will use, my stress levels is down to almost zero (which is new for me). I go in next week for my progesterone level test. I already told the nurse and doctor that I dont want the results this go around. It has always been under 5 with exception of one month and it causes me to worry even more.... Not this month.

I have a few blog buddies that are in the two week wait also and/or going to be within next few days. I wish you ladies all the luck in the world and hope you get a BFP.

Ivf is paid for!

Well my husband did exactly what he promised and we are now able to afford the multi cycle program through Attain! OMG I cant believe this is happening!

Iui #4

I just got back from Dr. H's office. Looks like repeat of last month with follicles. I have (3) above 18 and (1) around 16 and (1) around 15 and my lining is around 11. Our iui is set for 11am tomorrow. This is kinda of a bittersweet moment for me. I am happy to be done with the iui's and taking a break until ivf in February. With that being said, it will be really weird not going to the doctor office so many times a week. Yes I will be able to sleep in on Saturdays and Sundays now.

As many of you know we are scheduled for our first ivf in late February. We have been running around like chickens with our heads cut off trying to figure out financing on ivf. I know I am not the only woman to not have any coverage, but this is so beyond crazy! It is so unfair that couples who dont have infertily coverage have to come up with around 20,000 out of pocket. I made a promise to my husband last night that I would let him mess with the financial aspect of ivf for the next two weeks and I would try to stay as stress free as possible. That means I have to give up control (which isnt easy for me).

I know many of you are thinking I shouldnt get ahead of myself, that there is hope for this iui to take. Maybe. I have had almost four amazing cycles with iui. Great sperm count, motility, good number of eggs. So its hard for me to be a "postive patty" on this cycle. Plus if I get my hopes up, it makes it so much worse when the cycle fails. I made that mistake last cycle and it wont happen again.

Well im off for the 2WW. Technically for me, its the 10 day wait :) I hope everyone luck that is on the 2ww with me and I hope you get your BFP. My only Christmas wish this year is to be able to get ivf financing in order for February.

More or Less?

I recieved my email today from Attain. We were medically accepted to participate in the "Refund Program". I am really hoping to make the right decision on this. The refund program is pretty expensive and you get 6 cycles, (3) fresh (3) frozen and if you dont go home with baby you get a certain % refund. If you get pregnant first try then you have spent alot of extra money. The second option is multi cycle program which consists of 4 cycles, (2) fresh and (2) frozen. There is no refund on this, but it is also significantly cheaper then the other. As for both programs, there are certain things that neither of them cover and this will add up to another few thousand out of pocket. I feel like I am flipping a coin here and hoping its the right call.
After speaking to my doctor, he feels that we have a great shot, I mean 45-50% per cycle sounds like good odds to me.

Have any of you going through ivf had to make a similar decision? If so, could you tell me what your thought process was on making this decision? I would really like to hear from people that have been here and done this.

Acupunture

So acupunture was definitely not what I expected. First of all I didnt know that they hook electric up to your needles. I had needles put in the back of my calves, four in my back, one in each ring finger and one in my right thumb. I explained to the doctor that I dont liked to be touched as is. He was very considerate with that information and didnt touch anymore then he possibly had to. About 20 minutes into the procedure my foot was feel weird so I tried to wiggle my toes. This set off a weird sensation through my body that caught me off guard and I had a panic attack (ugh) after breathing through it I got control back and finished the procedure. I guess basically our goal yesterday was to get more blood flow through the ovaries to carry more medicine. The doctor was very religious and kinda pushed that off on me, but I didnt feel like debating religion while hooked up to electricity. After the procedure was done I was very dizzy and lightheaded (he said that was completely normal) for first time.

Fast forward to this morning: I slept all night(which I havent done in months) My week long headache has disappeared, my back is no longer hurting and im not sick to my stomach this morning. I feel freaking amazing! So if my iui fails next week, I will continue to see this doctor for my ivf work up. Maybe I will just put ear plugs in when it comes to discussing religion.

Oh yeah this was the reading material in waiting room, not what I expected to see:

Im getting poked tonight!

Yes you read the title correctly. I am getting poked tonight after work. This is my first ever experience with acupunture. I found someone that has worked very closely with my clinic and comes highly recommended. Wow it feels so weird for me to say this. Never, ever, ever did I dream I would get fertility acupunture done. Infact I remember saying a year or so ago. "that is such crap" hmmm maybe it is maybe it isnt, but I willing to give it a shot now.  I am going right now for my iui and then will start seeing him six weeks prior to my ivf. In all honesty I am still giggling about this. I always thought this was like a hippie thing, never got into eastern medicine. I hope no one takes offense to that statement, just being honest.

Today is cd 8 and here is my follie count so far: Right side largest is 12, 10 then 10 less than 10. Left side is 13,10 and 8 less than 10. Go back Saturday for another u/s to see how my little ladies are progressing.

We are IVF bound.

We had our consult with Dr. H and covered everything under the sun plus some :) We talked about my issues with progesterone. He did agree my progesterone levels were low, but that really shouldnt affect getting pregnant. As for last cycle that failed, he assured me that my progesterone levels were within range of being able to get pregnant. He told my that my ovarian reserve is "fantastic" for my age. He said that I have done very well with the stims and he feels IVF is our next step. I probably forgot to tell everyone that I put myself on the ivf waiting list without consulting with my doctor. The waiting list was long and I felt in my heart that iui's would not work. He found out a few weeks ago. I told him I was being aggressive with treatment. Anyhow we have about 46-50% chance of pregnancy per cycle of ivf. This is a HUGE difference from iui and that is shown in the cost!  We also discussed the "what if" this cycle doesnt work? Dr. H believes that a clomid w/iui is a huge step back from where we are now. With the injectables, we have the highest chance with iui for pregnancy.

My conclusion to todays consult is we are finishing this cycle and then taking a break until we start process of  ivf. So we will most likely start our birth control pill in beginning of February. I feel very much at peace with our decision. Now we have to get started on the financial aspect of ivf and that I am not looking forward to.

Feeling Much Better

Well its been almost a week since I found out that my iui failed and two days since I started my injections for next go around. I am feeling so much better this week. For some reason, failing my 3rd iui really hit home with me. I was an emotional, crying mess for days. From day one of realizing we had issues concieving I always knew in my heart that we would, it might just take some time. Maybe the failure of #3 made me realize that concieving might not happen for us (idk).  With the fact that I am feeling much better, I still have zero hope for this cycle to work. I will do my iui, take my progesterone and wait for AF to get here. Dont get me wrong, I am not being negative about all of this, I am being realistic :). 

Counting down the days until stims for my ivf :) I have a feeling that one day I will say " it was worth all the heartbreak, tears, stress for my beautiful baby(s).

I will update on Wednesday after our consult.

As always I have a few blog buddies that are in early stages of little beans sticking. Good luck ladies :)

CD 4

Well this hasnt been the greatest week. First I find out that #3 was another bust, then my Sooners get an ass kicking from OSU (which makes me want to puke). And to put cherry on top, our weather man said yesterday we were suppose to get 3-7 inches of snow and now today we arent getting anything (Blah).

I had my doctor appointment this morning. Since I am cycle day #4 and our consult isnt until Wednesday, I had to make a decision today to either start next cycle or take a break. Well "a break" is not in my plan. We decided to do our 4th and last Iui with injectables. My regular RE was off this weekend so I had the other one in office. She decided we would be more "aggressive" this go around. Including my estrogen levels are low enough today, I will start Menopur tonight and instead of (2) vials I will be on (3) for (3) days and then backed down to (2) for (2) more days. She said she wasnt planning on getting us pregnant with triplets but thought we needed to be more aggressive. I dont think the "triplet" theory will be an issue. This including last cycle I had (5) matured eggs and nothing, or the fact that my progesterone levels are so low.

Im really looking forward to Wednesday to find out what our new treatment plan will consist of until ivf.

As for the rest of the crappy week, I am going to clean like a mad lady today. Cleaning is my therapy and it is very relaxing.

Consult

I just heard back from the RN at Dr. H's office. We have a consult on December 7th to discuss a new treatment plan. She said they usually like to have three failed cycles before a new consult and new plan. We are going in this weekend to start on next cycle though. I dont want to miss out on a cycle waiting on a consult.

Hopefully we can sit down and discuss everything. Just to let you know how good my RE's office is, I sent an email about my concerns and had a lengthy reply from RN and new consult scheduled within 30 minutes. I am thankful for that.

Angry As Hell!

I have been angry almost all week since my RE appointment on Monday. Im not sure if in my head its easier to blame the doctors office or just accept that things arent working. I know he is a doctor and im not (well maybe Dr. Google). I am just second guessing the decisions made at my RE office. I told the RN on Monday that I felt cramps and knew my AF was going to be here on day 10 again, this after another under (5) progesterone level. She just gave me a look. Maybe I took the look the wrong way, but I  even asked my husband if he seen it and he said yes. In his defense he prob was smart enough to just agree with me this week. I find it very odd that all (3) cycles of IUI and the exact same result. I start my AF on 10 post iui and always have  below (5) on progesterone. Is this just me over anaylizing things?

Im very confused, angry and an emotional fucking wreck. I feel like crying 24/7, I cant sleep at all and im just a mess! I think this is all really starting to hit home. I go into each cycle with actual hope, hope for what, seriously? Our cycles have been perfect, but I guess my body wants no part of it

A blog buddy brought something to my attention the other day that I never even thought about. How can I spend over 15K for ivf with these issues? If the doctors cant get my freaking progesterone to even the lowest normal level, can will that work?

I know that I am all over the place here, but just having all these thoughts pop into my head as I type, sorry.

I am thinking this Saturday when I go in to the doctors, im going to tell him its time for plan B to be put into place. Maybe I should start clomid this cycle and forget the injectables. I know clomid helps with progesterone and ovulation. I was on it for 6 months before seeing RE, but not with assisted IUI. I also know that injectables have a higher chance of pregnancy, but I dont think that is the case with someone in my situation.

Dont get me wrong ladies, this is only making me more determined. I will figure things out, learn from mistakes and more forward because I am a fighter and this is a battle I will win. Just need to figure out another straegy.

I welcome any thoughts, suggestions or comments from fellow bloggers or anyone that is new to my blog.