They are here

Yesterday at 30 week exactly I started having contractions at 4:00 am and had a C-section later in the afternoon. Lilah Grace was born at 2:08 pm and Olivia June was born at 2:15. Lilah weighing 3 lbs and Olivia weighing 3 lbs 5 oz. They are in the NICU and as of tonight Olivia was taken off her cpap and is breathing room unassisted. Lilah was able to do Kangaroo care with her daddy. He has been the one changing diapers, taking their temps and cleaning the feeding tubes. As of tonight I am still so nervous with the girls. You would think it would be the other way around. We have to wait for Olivia to get her Pic line done ( in a few days) before she can do kangaroo care. I decided to stay in the hospital my full four days so I can be close to the girls. I plan on going back to work on Monday, this way I will have my full maternity leave when the girls come home. Since Al works at the hospital he can check on them many times a day and I am planning on visiting before work and after work each day. The NICU doctor told us to expect them to be in NICU for 6 to 10 weeks. But, she also told us that the girls are doing amazing for their gestational age. It could be earlier. Here are a few pics.


Lilah

Olivia

Distance

I've been meaning to blog about this topic for a few months now, but have struggled on how to express my feelings about it. I know many of us that are now pregnant have struggled with the guilt etc. and worrying about our friends that are still ttc. I still struggle with this daily. Since I have been on both sides of infertility (as have many of you), I can understand the feelings from both sides. I guess where I differ is, when going through infertility I was still able to be happy for those who became pregnant. This didn't only go for my friends that had struggled for years, it went for friends that never knew what it was like to struggle. I didn't mind attending baby showers, or looking at their children on face book etc. I guess I always felt in my heart that going through infertility was SO unfair, but it was even more unfair for me to treat my pregnant friends or mom friends differently because they had something I wanted. 

I know I have shared this story before, but I feel like I need to share again. My friend years ago got pregnant and for a split second I did have the (normal) jealously that goes along with the announcement. Weeks later she miscarried and I felt like such a stupid asshole for having those feelings about her. If I was a " real" friend then isn't it my job to support her through whatever happens in our lives? I am not going to say for a minute that it doesn't hurt every now and then because I know it does. Since that point I have tried my hardest through the next  few years of infertility to see the positive in everything. It helped me through some dark times. Is this right for everyone? I don't know. It was for me. 

Now I find myself on the other side of the fence. I find myself losing friendships with some of my friends still struggling. Does this bother me? Yes, it bothers me very much. I still think of them and try to be supportive, but don't get any support on my pregnancy. I do feel it is very unfair. I often wonder if these woman that turn off the support once you get pregnant will expect support during their pregnancies? I will support a friend regardless, like I always have, but I feel it is very unfair to have support and then to get pregnant and be treated like you have a transmittable disease. I want people to know that once you get pregnant, we still have feelings also. 

I am not sure if this is a fixable gap between the two? Can either side (pregnant or still ttc sit back and be able to have relationships with each other, after we have transitioned to the other side? Am I suppose to let these friendships go? Am I suppose to stop supporting my friends that are still struggling because they have done so too me? This is a very hard situation and I hate it. 

I honestly feel like I put in my time and I deserve to be pregnant with my girls. I also feel that you should be supportive of friends if you are truly a good friend. Not to say that it is always easy, but it is what makes the difference between a friend and people just choosing to be friends until it doesn't fit in their lives anymore.

Either way, it has really effected me and upset me over the past months when I see and hear less and less from people I thought were my friends. I do hope that in life all of us find our happiness regardless. I always wish the best for my fellow infertiles and I always think of you ladies. Just because I am on the other side of the fence, please know that all the struggles, hurt, anger and sadness never fully goes away. I do remember what it was like and that will never change.

C-Section or Vaginal?

From day one when we starting seeing the OB, he asked if I wanted a c-section or vbac. My immediate response was c-section. The reason behind this was basically I already had previous c-section and plus I was pregnant with twins and didn't want to have any complications arise trying to birth them vaginally. Throughout this pregnancy my mind has swayed away from c-section, until now. Actually a few weeks ago at the 4D u/s and the tech said both girls were head down. I had a few different occasions where the thought crossed my mind for a few seconds. Maybe I can have a vbac. Then last week during my u/s with MFM and the girls were still head down. After being admitted I had to sign paperwork about emergency delivery etc. and it was brought up again. Did I want to try vaginally? My answer at the time was " I want whatever is best for the babies in the situation". So we signed papers that we would do either depending on situation. Now this week has been non-stop thinking about this. Of course I want what is best for the girls. I have been told by my OB and MFM that at this point we are great candidates for either and both at this point are safe.  Here is my pro/con list:

PRO's for Vaginal birth:

Less time  recovering from major surgery
Less time in hospital
Depending on different studies, could be easier for the girls
Get to experience vaginal birth and bonding with the girls
Al would get to experience the birth of his girls



PRO's for C-Section:
 I don't have to worry about delivering one vaginally and being rushed in for surgery if something goes wrong with second baby.
I know what to expect from previous c-section
It is planned and therefore I feel like I have more control
I will be able to get my tubes tied at same time

It is weighing heavily on me and I do hope that I ultimately make the right decision or something happens to help me make the decision. 

Any twin moms have input on this?

29 Week Update

Still here. Still pregnant!!

I was released from the hospital on Monday and things are still about the same as far as dilation. Yesterday was pretty rough day. I was having a really hard time getting my breath and in a lot of pain, but I pushed through it last night and thank goodness I did because I feel 100% better today. Had my OB appointment and we just went over things to be on the look out for. He said 20% of woman will have their babies within days of preterm labor and I have passed that mark. He seems to think we might be able to keep these little ladies in until 32 weeks. As much pain as I have been in lately and feeling really bad, I want to keep them in as long as possible. I remind myself that it is only a short time of things being unpleasant and it will all be worth it very soon. And of course I want to do the best thing for the girls. We have switched me over from Lovenox to Heparin. Also trying to figure out the right dosage of Glyburide ( it seems to be bottoming out my sugar levels) I am sure we will find that magical number soon though.

Today we are meeting with the Director of NICU and having a tour. Also got some pretty exciting news yesterday. Not sure if any of you saw where I posted that my hospital was going to put cameras in the NICU so parents could log in and see the babies if they weren't at the hospital. Well it looks like Al and I are going to be the first parents to try this out. They prefer to use an employee to try everything out on before going forward. I am pretty stoked about it. I will be able to see the girls no matter where we are.

I am back to work. Thank goodness. I talked my doctor into letting me work because my job is only 10 minutes from the hospital and my house is over 30 minutes away. My bosses are being completely amazing and so giving. They told me to lay down on my couch whenever I need to.

Let me also brag on my husband.  I know I could not go through all of this without him. My god how I got so lucky, I will never know. I promise I don't take advantage of him. During my stay in the hospital he was taking Cierra back and forth to work, taking care of pets and the house, plus seeing me. He is now doing all the cooking, cleaning, driving, etc. I know he is going to be the most amazing father ever. I can't wait to see him meet his girls. I love this man so much. I never knew that marriage was seriously suppose to be like this. I always thought it was so much work to have an "ok" marriage. Now I know that in my marriage, I don't have to work at things, I found my soul mate and it all just comes the way it is suppose to. I will say again I am so LUCKY.

Okay here is my 29 week bump pic and lets hope there is a 30 week!

 Also. Thank you for all the emails, texts, etc. checking on me. I have made such amazing friends within the past 4 years and met such beautiful woman. Thank you.

Day 4

The word just came down that I am going home today. I explained to the doctor that I am scared I won't know when to come back in and he promised me that I would. He told me to call or come back if I am worried about anything. Since I have twins head down with a opening cervix, It is normal to be worried and I should be precautious. They don't want me on bed rest though because of my APS and risk of blood clots. He wants me to rest as much as possible, but make sure I move my legs and walk around some. I asked if I could go back to work and they agreed because my job is only 9 miles from the hospital and my house is over 30. Plus I have a couch in my office to rest and I don't really do much except sit at my desk during the day. He did say I might want to just work half day etc. I am also going in to see my Doctor twice a week from now on and also the MFM clinic to have NST scans done on the girls. SO I do feel better knowing I will have heavy monitoring. Still scared and unsure what the follow days, weeks will bring, but I am ready to tackle whatever I need to. My personal feeling is, they will be here before 30 weeks, or on 30 weeks, but hoping they can make it to 32-34 weeks and even better yet 36. Not sure how long babies can stay in when mother is 100% effaced with twins and dilated to 1 1/2- 2 cm.


Please keep my girls in your thoughts and prayers...

Day 3

Well I should have knocked on wood yesterday when I mentioned how bored I was. It turned eventful last night. First of all I was confused on exactly what status my cervix was in. Turns out I was 100% effaced and dilated to 1 cm. For some reason I had it in my mind that I did indeed have cervix left, but no such luck. My back starting hurting around noon yesterday so they kept an eye on things. I am doing the monitoring for girls and contractions twice a day. There were no contractions on my afternoon monitoring. Around 7 after my shower my back was still hurting and I started cramping so they decided to hook me up again. To my surprise I was having pretty good contractions at 2 minutes apart. They called the doctor to do a check on me. I am at 1 1/2- 2cm and she was able to feel the sacs. After a few hours of IV meds they slowed down and eventually stopped. I won't lie I was really freaked out and scared.. Even though the doctors keep telling me that the girls will be just fine at 28w4d, it doesn't make me feel better. I don't want them here this early. I am going to do everything and anything to keep them in until at least 30 weeks. I am cramping this morning though. Waiting on my team of doctors to come in and see me. Not sure how this day will play out, but lets hope it is BORING!!

Thanks again for all your support and please feel free to share your stories of pre-term labor or stories of friends that are in my situation. I am not sure if the 100% effacement makes a difference on how long I can keep these ladies in. Doctors seem to think a week on the longer side.

Day Two

Not much to report. I thought I might be going home today, but the MFM doctor came in this morning and said he would feel better if I stayed until Monday or Tuesday. Of course I will do whatever I need to for the girls, but hospital stays suck. Very boring indeed. I had some contractions last night and a few this morning. Nothing has really changed. They switched me from Lovenox to Heparin just in case we need surgery. I am also taking Procardia every six hours. Here within the last hour my back is starting to hurt pretty bad. Waiting to see what is next. Basically I have been sitting here today watching Lord of the Rings reruns, blogging, facebooking, eating amazing cupcakes from the hospital and napping.

I will update with any changes. I hope you ladies are having a wonderful Labor Day weekend!

Admitted

I went in for my MFM appointment this morning. Both girls were measured. Baby  A is 2lbs 7oz and Baby B is 2lbs14oz. I told the tech about the groin pain and pressured I had been experiencing for the past week or so. She decided to do an internal u/s to make sure my cervix was still long and closed. She finished up and I asked how everything looked. Her response was she was going to show the doctor and he would come in and talk to me. She also asked that I stay undressed in case he wanted to do another exam. At that moment I knew things weren't good. After about 15-20 minutes the doctor came in and said he was concerned because the u/s showed my cervix was open. Cue internal freak out. I wanted to cry at that moment, but I kept my shit together. He did an internal exam and told me I was dialated to 1 cm and my cervix was open. He wanted to admit me to the hospital for steroids. I asked if it would close back up, and he said no at this point they hope to just keep it like is and for it not to open anymore. I truly didn't expect for this to happen today, not at all. I was admitted this morning around 9:30. Since then I had my first dose of steroids, penicillin, and Procardia to stop contractions. I have been told over and over that even if the girls come within the next few days, that things will be okay. The girls will be okay. As of now I don't have much information where we go from here. I know I will be here for two days at least. At that point they will determine if I need to stay longer or if I will be released. So much is up in the air and that is what scares me the most. I wonder when the girls will be born. Now or weeks from now? Will I go back to work? Will I know if released that I am in fact dialating more ( Since I had no idea this time). So many questions and so little answers. For now I am thankful that Lilah and Olivia are still inside where they belong and I  will take it day by day. Who knows, I could still make it to 37-38 weeks. Crazier things have happened :)

SPD

Has anyone else experienced this? I was hoping it would wait a while longer before hitting me. For the past few weeks I've had a lot of groin pain and it is much worse when I get up after sitting or laying down. Walking really hurts. Within the past few days it has really intensified. The doctor said I could take Tylenol for it, but I honestly think that Tylenol is a wasted medication. It doesn't even help when I have a headache.

For anyone that has went through this, I would love to hear some feed back on how to manage the pain. I know there is no other option than to push through the pain and keep going. It is just getting much harder these days.

Thanks for any suggestions.

Today I Am A Rockstar

Today I feel like a total rock star. Tomorrow, who knows. Yesterday was my post week visit with the dietician at the Diabetes Center to check on my sugar levels and see where to go from there. The visit didn't go as expected. I had lost weight and she told me that I was basically starving myself for the past week and my levels were still high with the small amount of carbs I was eating. Then she said that diet was not going to control my sugars and that I would most likely be put on insulin or glyburide, but my OB would need to decide on future treatment. I knew I was really hungry for the past week. I was also feeling very faint and lightheaded. It was because I wasn't eating enough for the three of us. I felt like a complete loser. Before I left her office she made me promise to tell my OB it wasn't her that starved me, LOL. Which brings me to today's visit:

I go in and the first thing done is weight. I had lost around 3lbs since my last visit four weeks ago. I know most people get excited to lose weight and I have even seen a few pregnant woman brag about losing weight, I am not one of those ladies. I was very upset because I know at this point it is so important to be gaining and giving the girls what they need to grow and be strong and healthy.  I explained to her about my GD diet and the weight loss. She said the dietician already called and emailed them to explain the situation. Dr. S wasn't real happy with the weight loss and gave me the okay to pig out again! He is putting me on Glyburide for right now and trying to skip the insulin. I will still need to test 4 times a day to keep an eye on blood sugars and we will just take it day by day. I was so happy to hear I might not need the insulin! Of course now with the GD I am seeing him every two weeks until 30 weeks and starting 30 weeks I see him and MFM every week for u/s until the girls are born. 

Okay rockstar moment::

He did the fundal height measurement (which I never ask what it is), well lately I have been told by everyone, friends, complete strangers, co-workers etc. on how "HUGE" I am.  It is a little irritating but I keep reminding myself I am cooking two babies and not one. Well I broke down and asked how many weeks I am measuring. His response was 

30 WEEKS!!!

Only two weeks ahead of how far I am and those measurements are made for singleton pregnancies. I felt like a total rock star! It made me feel like I am doing everything I am suppose to.  Sorry but I had to pat myself on my back for a moment.

We also spoke about my c-section. The last one I had 17 years ago my arms were strapped down to the table. He assured me that this time they would not be. It was such a relief to know that. I also asked if I can have my tubes tied while he is doing surgery. I know most people would scratch their head at this. I am being real. I am almost 40 having twins. Al and I could not be prepared to have another baby. I don't want to be one of the stories of natural pregnancy after infertility. I feel blessed with our girls and want this for us. So he agreed to do a tubal at that time. We also discussed what vaccinations people will need to be around the girls. I got my whooping cough today. He wants anyone in contact with the babies before they reach the age of 2 months to have one, along with their flu shot. I will be sending out emails to our families that I need to see proof of vaccines or no visits. I can't jeopardize the girls health and especially since they will be early. 

I go in Friday to see how much they have grown!! I love my MFM appointments :) 

LIke I said, today I feel like a rockstar, tomorrow, who knows? 

Here is my 28 week bump pic:

Also,  I haven't posted this in a while and want to make sure that the woman I know still TTC...... I think of you often and always try to keep up with how things are going with you. I will always continue to keep you in my thoughts daily and know the struggle. Please don't ever give up. On days you feel that it will never happen, do something for yourself, try reading some blogs of woman you find inspirational, but please don't give up.