Today is 15DPIUI or 4W1D. I am still testing and my lines are still getting darker each day. For the past few days the test line has been pulling from the control line. As of right now everything is looking perfect, yet I sit here and still won't think about a future with a baby. I can't think about a nursery, boy/girl, being pregnant, maternity clothes etc. My husband won't say anything but " It is still early and we need to wait". I feel so bad for him. I never ever wanted him to be so scarred from all of this. I never wanted him to experience the pain from our losses. He we both are so scared to even think about this pregnancy for the time being. I know that many of you out there say that "today you are pregnant" and yes that is true, but I think this has become a defense mechanism to protect myself after things didn't work. I do promise that if we make it to the u/s and have a beautiful heartbeat that I will start accepting all of this and be so happy :) Promise. I just need to make it through the next two weeks.
I have always said in this blog that infertility would not steal everything from me regardless if we got pregnant or not and I still believe that. Some days she has the upper hand, but more then not I do. So even if today she is winning the battle, I promise to come back ten fold and prevail.
Somedays I wish I was naive and didn't know so much about this whole process. Boy would that make the days easier to deal with :)
Here are pics from 14DPO and 15DPO tests.
There is such truth to your words. I hope the next two weeks bring you the peace, comfort & excitement you SO deserve.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much. I will find peace one way or another :)
DeleteThose tests look great. I totally agree with being reserved in the beginning stages. Although I have recently been excited, it really only started once I had my u/s. But each week and each day comes with it's own set of worries and anxieties. You rock, friend! So strong!!!! I am so happy for you! :)
ReplyDeleteMorgan, when is your first u/s? We are pretty close together on our bfps!
DeleteI had one on 3/5, I have posted it on my blog. However, I started bleeding today so I was rushed in for another beta. Hopefully all is ok, and it was just a little left over wiggling it's way out. I may have another u/s depending on my beta today, and then for sure one on 4/2. Ugh, the stress of it all can be no fun.
DeleteWonder why I can't see that post? When will you have results? You are definitely in my thoughts!
DeleteWell, I thought for sure I would have them by the end of today, but seeing as it's now 5pm, i'll probably have to wait until the morning. There wasn't a ton to see, you can see the yolk sac and a tiny blob that would be baby. Since I am still early they didn't expect to see much more :) The post is called: Miracles are for ME.
DeleteI understand where you're coming from. It took a very long time to get to a place where I accepted I was even pregnant and, even then, I still felt very disconnected with my body and didn't fully bond with he Beats. Honestly, I think after multiple losses, it's just a natural consequence to be guarded.
ReplyDeleteSo, don't force it. Focus instead on doing what you can to make it through each day as sanely as possible. It may be awhile before this becomes a reality for you and there's nothing wron with that. Just keep doing what you're doing.
Lines are looking great! Sending love and grow vibes your way.
That is great advice Cristy. Thank you so much :)
DeleteTake your time and process it whatever way you want. It is so hard to let down that guard. I haven't had a loss but I still struggle with full celebration and I am almost 21 weeks. Infertility takes so much away. I will be praying every step of your pregnancy friend.
ReplyDeleteOne of these days I hope that the medical community finds away to beat infertility and make it affordable to everyone.
DeleteIt's so tough, being one of the ones who understand what can happen, isn't it? It sure makes us appreciate the good things, but it makes the process to them a lot harder. I haven't yet had a successful pregnancy, but I know from my friends who have - that it takes a long time to let that guard down. I hope the next couple weeks bring only good things, and the reassurance you need and deserve...and then I hope it's a swift and healthy pregnancy and healthy baby! Praying for you!
ReplyDeleteI know EXACTLY what you mean about holding back. My husband didn't start acknowledging that I was pregnant until about 10 weeks. Till tha point he basically pretended I wasn't and it was totally a way to protect himself from heartbreak if we lost the babies.
ReplyDeleteYou know I'm rooting for you and hoping this time really is the one that will take you all the way to the end for the grand prize.